cygny Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Don't know why I'm putting all this pressure on myself all of a sudden with her. The reality is, this is not going to be a long-term relationship even if we do click. She's got her plans and I've got mine. I guess a part of my ego just wants this. yeah this is what i've been suspecting, amer. what the hell is up with this? just trying to score so you can feel better?
Author amerikajin Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 yes i think you should be more open, just not way open, lol. be relaxed and confident in yourself. talk about a few more serious things. she's not likely to let her guard down until you're willing to reveal more of yourself. a kiss would be ok. what's up with the dinner invite though? sounds like you expect her to go to bed with you next time??? forget that, she's not the type. Nah, I'm certainly not expecting it. what the hell is up with this? just trying to score so you can feel better? I think I've just been confused about what I've wanted all along, cygny. I'm drawn to her, but my head's saying 'Wait a minute, what about the future?'
cygny Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 I wouldn't be surprised if that's what she's thinking too, amer. That would be what i would be thinking. And since she seems like she's not the loose type looking for some action, I have a hunch she's torn--attracted to you but also holding back some. I've met men that I really liked, they were drawn to me. we went out a few times, and we've become REALLY good friends--even though now we live on opposite sides of the world. If it's someone you think is great and who you respect, perhaps going the friends route would be better. I know I'm better off with these men as long-term friends than if i'd treated them as flings for a few weeks or months. I'm really glad I still have them in my life.
Author amerikajin Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 cygny, Just wanted to say thanks for straightening me out a little. I've finally 'got it'...I just hope it's not too late. I've been reflecting on previous conversations and comparing it to our behavior. The more I think about it, I think it goes back to something that was mentioned earlier in the thread. I think she somehow got the feeling like this might have been a staged event and it might have thrown up a red flag. One of the things she commented early on is that she's irritated at how much lust comes her way (and no, she wasn't being vain or obnoxious when she said it). I think she's still feeling me out, trying to decide if this is just a game or if there's something more genuine involved and I guess she's also trying to decide just where the f*** I stand on any kind of future relationship since I haven't really made that clear either. I at least got the date, but at the same time I have been in situations where a chick will give a guy one more shot knowing that she's leaning away from him going into the date. How do I not f*** this up? I could not sleep too well last night...I really think that there's more to this than just a piece of a_s.
cygny Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Talk to her confidently about yourself--let her see what a decent, purposeful guy you are. Maybe a bit about your long-term goals, your determination to succeed. Not in a heavy way, but just a few words, then let the rest of the date be carefree fun. No pressure on the sex. At the end of the date, give her a strong, purposeful, confident kiss, then smile at her and walk away.
Author amerikajin Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Got it. If this works out, I'll owe you.
Author amerikajin Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 Thanks to all. Special thanks to otter, cygny and Tanbark, I've thought alot about what ya'll have written...it all makes sense now. I have no idea if this is going to work out long-term or not. For a variety of reasons, the odds are against it. I didn't really like the idea of dating a co-worker, but when she showed signs of interest the guy in me was compelled to respond in kind. That's just natural raw attraction working, the dynamic 'spark' that ignites all relationships. It's the conscious collective ego and spirit that takes it further. It's a basic fact check, to make sure that what you experience adds up to what you thought was there in the beginning when eyes first met (i.e. making sure the other person isn't full of s***). Too much aggression and she's likely to think that I'm just out for my own self-serving purposes, or that I've got issues and 'need' her to resolve them. Too little aggression and she's likely to think that I'm indecisive and can't figure out what I want. Neither's attractive. It's still a learning process for me. I was a late-bloomer physically and my family never really was good at showing me how to be build an intimate relationship. I've had to learn all of this on my own. I'm just trying to enjoy the lessons, whether it's this girl or not.
Author amerikajin Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 Well, it's over but I guess I'm more relieved than disappointed at this point. As ya'll recall, we set up the fourth date. I had initially suggested dinner in one part of town but then decided to change it to dinner and live music, which she likes. But this time I began to sense that she was cooling off, both in terms of her body language and also just in terms of communication as well. For example, before, whenever I texted her, she would answer quickly - not that she had to or there was some kind of time limit or anything, but it's just an observation. But she was gradually letting more time pass between responses, and her responses were short and unenthusiastic. And last night, she didn't respond at all. I texted her this afternoon just to make sure she got the message because sometimes the service can be unreliable here. She replied with a quick 'ya, will see you then'. Soooo...I finally decided it was time to cut through the s*** and just tell her that I did not sense the chemistry between us was there on all levels. I told her that I liked her as a person and so forth but that it was really awkward with work and everything, and that I just didn't want to go too far down that road under the circumstances. What puzzles me is, she told me that she thought we already were just friends, as though she wasn't acknowledging that it was a possibility that it might lead to something else. She said 'You're thinking waaaay too much here, AJ' Okay, I totally understand that we weren't 'exclusively dating' or 'officially dating' etc...but we were dating, and I told her I thought that's where this was going, and I thought we were on the same page here. Anyway, I think I did the right thing. My penis disagrees vehemently with this decision but I think my mind and heart are on the same page here. 1
alphamale Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Well, it's over but I guess I'm more relieved than disappointed at this point. thats a shame AMERIKAJIN....next time you need advice on women just PM me and I'll be happy to assist.
blind_otter Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Bummer, but I kinda got that from your posts. Granted my tendency to go for people with whom I have a tremedous spark has no historically been the best, but IMO it's like 50% of the groove with someone. I mean, if you really have the hots for them, you forgive a lot. Which could be bad, but it helps get over the "just friends" hump. Honestly, I'll tell ya that I almost always know when I'm going to f*** someone within the first 5 minutes of meeting them. Meating them. hahaha.
loony Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 BO is right. If you have the right connection it doesn't matter what you do on your dates. There didn't seem to have been any and therefore no matter what you did to attract her to you it didn't work. I think you wanted her more for the fact that she was a hottie and good for an ego stroke than because she would have been a nice and good partner for you.
jerbear Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 amerikajin: I wish you the best of luck. I have followed this thread for awhile and didn't really speak up. I am / was thru this and I did exactly what you did. As Cygny has made great friends from prior dates. This maybe a route you should explore. As it was date 4, not much has really happened. Yes, my other head was not happy but the other parts felt better.
Author amerikajin Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 I think that despite all this, I've reached a turning point of sorts when it comes to my approach to relationships - I'd like to think that anyway. I used to get angry and take it so personally when something didn't work out, but I'm honestly not feeling that right now. I wish her well...I know that there will be other opportunities for both of us. I feel like I grow with each relationship, whether it's four months, four years or only four dates. I feel like I'm catching up to where I should have been a long time ago in terms of relationship maturity. I was talking with a good buddy of mine who's married. He's an exceptionally mature young man and he made me realize something, and I think that's when I actually began to see this most recent experience in a different light. He was talking about how he met his wife, about how he met her in a bar (i know, worst of all places but that's where he met her) and she was all alone, practically in tears. She had just broken up with her bf and he said he just knew that he had to go talk to her. Couldn't explain why but he knew he had to...like a light shone on her or something. I thought that was, dare I say, 'sweet'. Thing is, he's committed to her. He sees the whole person, and maybe I haven't been willing to do that as much as I should. As I said sometime back, I think my ego is getting in the way of my relationships, and that's why I'm still single at 31 (not 32 for another f'ing 5 days! thank you very much). So yeah, I'm relieved, and humbled, and better for this somehow.
alphamale Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Honestly, I'll tell ya that I almost always know when I'm going to f*** someone within the first 5 minutes of meeting them. Meating them. hahaha. Ummm...b_0, I think that most women are like that.
Author amerikajin Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 I think most women know if they are sexually attracted to someone within the first five minutes of meeting someone. In most cases, that's what leads to a first date. Hyopthetically, a woman's thinking 'yeah, if i were drunk or on an island, i'd get it on with this dude and not look back'. But there's also the conscious ego that comes into play, and most women will use this after the first five minute f*** test has been passed. It moves from a question of 'would i f*** this guy if i were on a deserted island' to 'would i f*** this guy under normal circumstances, and if so, what else do i want?' That's been my experience with the female species anyway.
blind_otter Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Hah! I;ve never done the "desert island" mental tango...
Author amerikajin Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 You should try it sometime. Tell me, do you know within the first five posts whether or not you'd hook up with an LS'er. ?
blind_otter Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Plead the fifth on the grounds that anything I reveal may incriminate me. So there, poop head.
jerbear Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 You should try it sometime. Tell me, do you know within the first five posts whether or not you'd hook up with an LS'er. ? I know of at least one to a few... plead the 5th on who(m) ....
alphamale Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 I think most women know if they are sexually attracted to someone within the first five minutes of meeting someone. In most cases, that's what leads to a first date. that's why i say that if you meet a chick you like and you get the 'vibe' from her then ask her out quickly. talk with her for 10 minutes, ask for the digits, get the digits, split, then call her a week later (after you told her you'd call her within a week) it works, trust me. some dudes think they need to get to know a chick for weeks or months before asking her out. then they get all anxious and nervous cause they've built it up for months and months. if a woman likes you adn she gets the "feeling" she'll say yes to a date right away.
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2006 Posted February 6, 2006 Bang on alpha! It's true. And all that week she'll be looking forward to that call too.
Author amerikajin Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 Damn, I just can't quite let this one go yet. Here's the thing...I've been thinking that we were going to slow, and that because of the fact we worked together, it was going to be even slower than slow. I also felt that things have been slightly awkward since the time I leaned in to kiss her (she referenced that in our conversation by the way). At the same time, I think kat made a comment that I've wondered about. Some women really are slow to warm up to men. I guess what I want to know is, how do you know when a woman is just slow to warm up to men, or if she just doesn't have any interest? It just seems to me that I was destined for 'friends zone' and I didn't want to go there with her. I can be her friend but I don't want to be one of these guys who hangs around expecting or hoping for romantic interest to develop. But at that same time, there's a part of me that wonders if I wasn't being too pushy or aggressive, which for me is not usually an issue...I'm usually not aggressive enough. Oh man...I wish I knew what I was doing when it comes to relationships. I keep f***ing up. I'm tired of f***ing up good things.
Author amerikajin Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 I think I might have actually f***ed up in the worst possible way. I saw her today at work and after our conversation I was hoping we could still be friendly, but she was clearly avoiding me. Is she just worried about things being awkward? Maybe she's just worried that I'm still stuck or something? Or is she genuinely pissed off at me for calling this off - is it possible that I jumped the gun and ended things too soon? Maybe she didn't really want to end things just yet? I'm really confusing myself here. It's official: I'm f***ed in the head. Today I've had this horrible feeling all day...it came from a dream that I had. I was at a shrine...there was a procession...the occasion was somber and somehow, I felt her presence there. It was like a funeral or something. That's the way I've felt all day...somber. I think I would be eaten alive with guilt and regret if I pulled the plug too early on this.
Art_Critic Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 If she is acting this way before anything major happened then think of what life would've been like if you 2 did click and break up.. Give it time.. it'll blow over..
alphamale Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 At the same time, I think kat made a comment that I've wondered about. Some women really are slow to warm up to men. I personally don't believe in the "women are slow to warm up to men" theory. As we've discussed before, women know within 5 minutes of meeting a new dude whether or not she'll sleep with him. Haven't you ever seen a good looking, confident and masculine dude walk into a room full of women and they all start to fidget and play with their hair and start preening? That is not a slow warm up.... If a woman is attracted to a man sexually she'll warm up pretty damn quickly. If she's unsure (which is highly unlikely) then she'll take longer. Trust me on this one cause i've had my fair share of 1st date sex.
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