Lishy Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 So you meet a guy, you go out on a few dates and the subject of past relationships comes up! How much do you tell? If you are not sure if you are ready for a relationship do you tell him? If you tell a guy that would he assume you was just after a casual thing? Is it too premature to even talk about what you want when you have just met someone? How do you not give him the wrong idea when you do not even know yourself what you want?
cal gal Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Don't know Lishy... I will be interested to see how your advice goes because I tend to be very frank and upfront about everything in life. This seems to have intimidated one guy I was corresponding with. I do believe he viewed me as aggressive, when that is not my style. I just don't like games and dishonesty from anyone in my life. To keep things simple and honest is what I prefer. Maybe it's better if this guy couldn't handle the upfront nature, as I don't have the time or energy for the silly games. Just wish companionship was on the horizon with someone nice.... but noooo Good luck in your venture!
Author Lishy Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Well I am very upfront and honest - But in that situation if I told the guy how I REALLY feel it could knock things off balance real quick! If I was honest I would say "I am not ready for anything serious, I just want to have fun" A guy could read that as "I want casual sex" WHICH I DONT! Then say I do say that and a while later I change my mind? He would see me as fickle and flaky - And I am not either of those! I am so scared of getting into a FWB situation again! 1
cal gal Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I am wondering if there is a need to say anything about intentions, especially at the beginning.... Maybe when I do get started with it all I won't committ to my feeings out loud, just wait and see how I feel about a guy before it is stated???????
Author Lishy Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 I am talking about if he brings it up in coversation
933KJL Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I agree being upfront. He probably already knows you are not about the FWB deal. But I woudl appreciate your honesty if we were dating. "Hey, you know I have had a few good relationships in the past, and I have no control if I fall madly in love, but right now I am not looking for it--if it develops, great, but I love spending time wiht you and who know it may get there" 1
hyakku Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Well I am very upfront and honest - But in that situation if I told the guy how I REALLY feel it could knock things off balance real quick! If I was honest I would say "I am not ready for anything serious, I just want to have fun" A guy could read that as "I want casual sex" WHICH I DONT! Then say I do say that and a while later I change my mind? He would see me as fickle and flaky - And I am not either of those! I am so scared of getting into a FWB situation again! If you said that to me I might ask you to marry me. Most guys don't go on a date to go, "Is this going to be my future wife?" And most successful relationships start off taking it slow (not slow as in physical, slow as in how fast they want to get involved with each other) and just aiming to have fun. If you told a guy this, most secure guys will be happy that you aren't ready to rush into anything. Believe me if a guy gets upset that after one date you said you just want to keep dating and having fun, you didn't want him in the first place. Though I do have to ask, is there a reason you are talking about past relationships on your first few dates? I mean talking about breakups and whatnot just bring negative energy, unless he's really interested in it, I'd just take your approach and just have fun.
alphamale Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 So you meet a guy, you go out on a few dates and the subject of past relationships comes up! How much do you tell? so lets say you've been out on 3 dates with someone, each of which lasted 4 hours. that totals 12 hours or one-half of one day. What are you giong to tell them about your past history or relationships???? NOTHING!
slubberdegullion Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 The couple is in a restaurant, it's the 4th date. The meal is fine, the candles are shimmering, she's looking radiant, he's looking confident. "So," he says, a nervous timbre in his voice, "what happened with your last boyfriend?" She's got a choice. She can tell him the truth, she can brush it off or she can make a joke about him. Sizing up the situation, and really liking the guy across the table, she bites her lower lip. "Well," she says, hesitating, "he was a nice enough fellow, but he wanted more from me than I was prepared to give." "In what way?" he asks, his mind dancing with images of her naked body next to his. "Oh, it was just one of those things. I'm not ready for anything deep and meaningful, and I'm not one to just fall into bed with anyone no matter how good looking and decent he is," she says, looking at him right in the eye. She folds her hands into a little teepee under her chin. "So what is it that you do want?" he askes, somewhat puzzled. "I like the company of good men," she responds, smiling, "like you. I am just at a stage in my life where I enjoy meeting people, staying active and socially connected, without any of the pressure of high expectations." He's not quite sure how to take this. Does she mean that she's just using him as a meal ticket? The images of their intertwining limbs gives way to a jumble of questions. "Some of my relationships in the past were more serious than others, but I guess I never was clear about my expectations. I got hurt, and I don't have any desire to get hurt again. So I'd just like to keep relationships light, easygoing." "I'm not sure I know what you mean, sweetie," he says, fumbling for words. "Do you mean you just like to go out with guys for fun but don't want any sort of relationship?" "Well, it's not exactly like that," she says, "it's more like I'm in a place in my life, my career and my child that the sexual expectations and the dynamics of a serious relationship are just not on my radar screen." He feels crestfallen. "So you're telling me that we have no chance. Is that what you're saying?" "No, that's not what I'm saying. But I am saying that I enjoy your company, because it comes without strings attached, without the pressure of sexual expectations, without the overbearing feelings of a serious relationship." He ponders for a moment. She smiles at him. He smiles back. He realizes that he isn't going to end up in her bed tonight, and though he's disappointed, his respect for her has increased dramatically. This is a smart woman who knows what she wants.
Art_Critic Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 You tell what you feel comfortable telling. Each person you date will give you a different amount of being comfortable so there is no hard fast rule as far as time goes. If you date 2 guys for 3 weeks you will feel different about what amount to tell each of them. I do feel that as soon as you know that the relationship is on the launchpad that you need to tell/answer all the questions with complete honesty
Vincent Vega Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Tell him the truth, and don't make him pay for any more dates. If you're not intererested in sex, tell him that too. Go dutch on the rest of the dates though, otherwise you are just using him.
dgiirl Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Tell him the truth, and don't make him pay for any more dates. If you're not intererested in sex, tell him that too. Go dutch on the rest of the dates though, otherwise you are just using him. That's an interesting perspective. If she's not into a serious committed relationship, or casual sex, she's using him? What happen to dating to get to know people? Dont ppl _date_ anymore? Lishy, nice post, I'm curious on the answer too. But if the topic of past relationships comes up, just be honest without dwelling on it too much. If you find yourself talking too much about your ex, just say "ok, this is boring, lets talk about something else" So you spend a little bit of time answering his questions on past relationships, but you also show him that it's in the past and you want it to be there. Dont show bitterness or anger, just tell the truth while keeping your own dignity. I think the way I would handle it would be along the lines of "I'm not really sure what I want at the moment. I'm not ready for a serious relationship, but I'm not one for casual sex either. So right now I just want to get to know people, have some fun, and see where things go"
riobikini Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 RE: Lishy: "How do you not give him the wrong idea when you do not even know yourself what you want?" In just this past 6-mos. 'thing' I was in , I can truly say, that making sure what each other's goals and expectations are, have to be the primary consideration. If one of you knows what he/she wants while the other is unsure, it could be a formula for heartbreak down the road. In my case, tho, -even that didn't work, as I actually emailed him my expectations and we were supposedly seeing only each other. Not only did he pretend to want the same things as I, -he was an active member on at least two other internet dating sites the entire time we saw each other. So much for good advice, Lishy, -but good luck, anyway! (Smile) -Rio
Vincent Vega Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 That's an interesting perspective. If she's not into a serious committed relationship, or casual sex, she's using him? What happen to dating to get to know people? Dont ppl _date_ anymore? What's wrong with going dutch sometimes? Some women act like they don't have to pay for anything because they are some kind of treat...well newsflash, there's plenty of girls out there.
Art_Critic Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 What's wrong with going dutch sometimes? Some women act like they don't have to pay for anything because they are some kind of treat...well newsflash, there's plenty of girls out there. NewsFlash..If it is a date then it shows good manners for the guy to pay.. if it isn't date for one but it is for the other then it should be dutch..
Vincent Vega Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 NewsFlash..If it is a date then it shows good manners for the guy to pay.. if it isn't date for one but it is for the other then it should be dutch.. This isn't the 50s anymore. Going dutch is perfectly acceptable. If she makes the guy pay all the time and she doesn't plan on telling him she doesn't want anything more serious than a free dinner, she's using him, plain and simple. Hey if he wants to pay, fine, but if she expects it...that's ridiculous.
dgiirl Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 This isn't the 50s anymore. Going dutch is perfectly acceptable. If she makes the guy pay all the time and she doesn't plan on telling him she doesn't want anything more serious than a free dinner, she's using him, plain and simple. Hey if he wants to pay, fine, but if she expects it...that's ridiculous. I dont mind going dutch. Even if I was seeing someone, I would go dutch some of the times. But the original impression I got from your post was, if she's not going to be committed to him, nor sleep with him, she HAS to go dutch everytime otherwise she's using him. If he wants to pay for dinner, and he knows my expectations, then why not let him pay for dinner? I'm not going to feel obligated to sleep with him because he pays for dinner, nor do I feel I'm using him.
noclobber Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 So you meet a guy, you go out on a few dates and the subject of past relationships comes up! How much do you tell? If you are not sure if you are ready for a relationship do you tell him? If you tell a guy that would he assume you was just after a casual thing? Is it too premature to even talk about what you want when you have just met someone? How do you not give him the wrong idea when you do not even know yourself what you want? the subject of past relationships and ex lovers is such a turn off during a date. is it not??
dgiirl Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 the subject of past relationships and ex lovers is such a turn off during a date. is it not?? Sometimes it has to come up. I'm divorced, so it's something I have to bring up early in the relationship. When I mentioned I'm divorced, they usually have some questions, which I should answer. I think you should try to avoid it as much as possible, but if it comes up, then speak briefly about it with not much anger and then change the topic.
Recommended Posts