LonelyinOhio Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 ok I'm sure this has been addressed before, but please help me here....she left me three weeks ago today, and I haven't been able to shake her or get her out of my mind for more than 5 minutes over this entire time....yes, I'm working on ME, I'm reading, working out, and even in therapy, but I can't seem to let go and it feels as though it's eating me alive. I have been in no contact for the entire time -- except once, when she contacted me for the 3rd time after the BU, I asked her to no longer contact me....that was almost 2 weeks ago and I've heard nothing... So, should I contact her and arrange a meeting, and try to gain some closure from all this? Will it help me to move on? I'm split right now -- on the one hand, I feel that seeing her and having a rational discussion would help me - God knows nothing else has yet - , but on the other hand -- well, she already knows how I feel about her, and I don't want to appear to be in a position of weakness or pity. I don't plan to beg her to return to me, of course - but I just want everyone's opinion on IF this makes sense - or has it just been too soon (3 weeks today) and I should give it more time? thanks to everyone!
gfto Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 stick with no contact. I've been in your shoes. Those first several weeks, you always want to contact her. But, don't kid yourself. You're not looking for "closure." You're looking for a sign from her that she'd like to get back together. I was in this situation almost a year ago. After about a month, the urge to call passed. And, I was extremely glad that I didn't call and try to get "closure." She sent an e-mail several months later. I read it for my own amusement, smiled, and deleted it without replying. A few weeks later, I met my current girlfriend, and I couldn't care less about the other girl. It feels great. So, stick with no contact and get lots of new phone numbers!
LonelyinOhio Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 gfto, I know you are right -- and I know that meeting with her would be a disaster...especially since it's VERY important to me that she not think of me in anything less than a STRONG light - I really don't wanna let on to her that I'm somehow going through great pain right now. I think maybe, someday, I'd like to do it -- but only when I REALLY don't give a damn about what she's up to. And that time is not right now.
jerbear Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I would stick with no contact. Honestly, if you told her to not contact you well... it would be best to not contact her. It just makes it wishy washy.
UT_longhorn Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 do not contact. it will bring you back to day one. it wont give you closure. it leaves you with more questions. closure comes by you slowly accepting. her actions say enough. if she wanted to call, the phone is an arms length away. dont.
magda Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 do not contact. it will bring you back to day one. Yup. Closure happens when you think of her one day and realize you've forgotten her and no longer have the same attachment. Talking to her isn't going to give you that - it's just going to push her back into the forefront of your consciousness. Or, it's going to give you the opportunity to get rejected all over again. Distract, distract. Keep doing what you're doing and STOP TALKING ABOUT HER. Don't even post about her.
LonelyinOhio Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Magda -- the problem I am having is, she IS in the forefront of my conciousness....and no matter what I try so far, I can't seem to shake it. It's been 3 weeks, and still always CONSTANTLY in my thoughts. It is for this reason alone that I thought it might be good to sit down and have a discussion with her -- I know there are inherent risks that it will set me back, or that it will make me look 'weak', but is there any other way to get her out of my head? I'd REALLY like that to happen on its own, but it just doesn't seem to be happening.
gfto Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I think maybe, someday, I'd like to do it -- but only when I REALLY don't give a damn about what she's up to. You'll be amazed to find that when you reach that point, you won't even want to contact her! It's a great feeling. You simply won't care at all!! But, it takes longer than three weeks. You should feel it in another few weeks.
LonelyinOhio Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 gfto - I appreciate your optimism on my time frame - but based on how I feel now (3 weeks and 1 day later), which is to say, emotionally devastated -- I can't imagine getting to that point in just another 3 weeks. Does the recovery process start to hockey-stick at some point? cause there are so many days when I feel like I'm just about to fall apart. And I can't express to everyone how helpful it is to have your support.
gfto Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 I can only speak to my own experience, but it has never taken me more than a month to get over someone. It would always kind of sneak up on me. I'd just suddenly realize that I hadn't even thought about her in several days, and that's when I know I'm past it. A few suggestions for you that worked for me: (1) realize and accept that the relationship is permanently over (don't harbor any notions of getting back with her); (2) delete any e-mail messages from her that you've saved, and get rid of any reminders of her (pictures, cards, etc.)...just throw it all away, because it doesn't matter anymore; and (3) look forward to the excitement of meeting a new girlfriend (very important). Good luck!!
AltplanB Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 dude do not contact her. Something i realized way to late. I still break down and write out messages or dial her number without actually going through with it. Everytime i do, i feel better later for not. Keeping contact with her has made me unable to move on after 3 months. She moved on in 3 weeks and started a new relationship. After that fizzeled, i tried again and got shot down, now she is starting another relationship and i am left feeling terrible...aching for her to return. She is not coming back, something i recently had to accept. And even after finally concluding that i still, in my depressed state, find myself pining over her and thinking of ways to get her back. So trust me, no contact.
LonelyinOhio Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Altplan - I understood the danger of doing that, as soon as she ended the relationship. I have no desire to fall down on my knees and beg...for me, it was more a matter of seeking answers, trying to make sense of (what I deemed to be) the unsensible....but I realize that even this is a waste of time. I've been friends with all my ex's over the years, and I've been able to have some very good conversations with them, much later, about what happened to us. But this one - well, my emotional attachment to her was greater than anyone, ever - and for that reason, I fear I will never be able to return to the level of platonic friend. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME right now, is not 'healing'...that will come in time. The most important thing I feel I can do, is to make sure she has no idea that I am in pain from it -- to keep her wondering what I'm up to (if she even cares, which she may not) and to understand that the double-bonus of no contact has to play itself out: that you heal faster and move on faster with NC, and that if there is ever to be a re-unification, it can only come from NC. I'm 3 weeks and 1 day out of the relationship, and 3 weeks into no contact -- unless you count the one time I asked her to not contact me any longer. And that, is that.
UT_longhorn Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 lonelyinohio... i am a bit torn tonight about NC when you are in limbo and are wondering and feel like no closure. i have been preaching NC and only NC, but after I broke NC 3 weeks into mine, I got some odd sort of closure. sure it hurt just like the first day and it took me time to get over it...but i kind of think it helped me move on by it helping me to stop wishing and start getting angry and pushing forward. my ex was blunt. not wavering. near the point of being cruel. it was her defense mechanism for dealing with the guilt maybe. im not sure. that really sucked. it really will bring you to day one. but i bounced back a week later and i think it may have actually helped. but i will say..now that i am sure..i will definately maintain NC. until i am completely over her.
LonelyinOhio Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 UT; I definitely don't need that -- I received the "blunt" email from her, after we broke up - so I don't need to hear her say it to my face. In fact it was because of that email that I initiated NC immediately. So, as far as getting any closure from having her be blunt to the point of cruelty, I can't imagine that would do me any good. In fact, it would set me back. I've decided to stick to nc. It may or may not be the best thing I can do, but that's the plan for now. As I said before, I'll reach out to her when I *really* don't care what she's doing. Meanwhile, I'll bear this cross alone.
jerbear Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Meanwhile, I'll bear this cross alone. It is a path taken alone but friends would be at your side.
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