Feels like I'm going Crazy

[jennifer1983]

I don't know what to do anymore...

 

I'm with a guy who was married for 13 years and recently got divorced after being seperated over a year. We do argue a lot..mostly from my starting them due to my jealousy and control issues. I know that what I am doing at times is something nobody should do as far as controlling someone else. I try and try to work on these issues but when something happens I guess I lose track of my goals and get really mad.

 

For example, the guy I am with has kids with his ex wife and it seems like that is all anybody wants to talk about or they have to find a way to bring her up all the time. To me that is like they are wanting to throw her up in my face all the time or something or wants him and her to get back together. I told him that made me feel uncomfortable and asked him to ask his family to not sit there and talk about her all the time or feel the need to tell him what she is doing all the time. They did seperate a few years ago and then after a year decided to get back together. He said it was for the kids..but I really don't know the truth on that issue. She cheated on him all the time and left him for another man. They did try to work it out after they seperated this last time but that dissolved when she moved in with the other man..so I don't know if the divorce was what he really wanted.

 

Well fast forward to last night, he was staying with me for the weekend and his friend was staying at his house. He called his friend and asked if he had any messages and his friend goes "how close is she?"...well I flew off I was like why is he asking that if it wasn't something about another woman. Well so he says do I have any other messages and finally his friend says yeah Kristy(his ex wife) called but I didn't want to say anything. I knew she was supposed to call about his child support thing, I was aware I mean he told me she was supposed to call. But I got so mad because his friend said that and it makes me wonder what else is being hid. So we argue and he said he doesn't blame his friend for not wanting to start anything and that he doesn't think its going to work now because hes not going to be controlled.

 

The thing is we break up like every other week. He says he doesn't want to work things out then EVERY time we break up he doesn't wait more than two days to call me back.

 

I love him so much and I know a lot of our problem is our issues, but I mean I am sure a lot of other people would have been a little suspicious over what his friend said.

 

When we talked this morning he said he doesn't want it to be over but he thinks its best...like he has said several other times. I know he is still angry and this is how he does everytime we have a huge argument like this. I have tried to talk to him but in some ways I agree its best its over....but then its like everytime I am with anyone when they say they want it over I feel like no matter what I want I have to know they want me. I stay with people when I know its not really what I want or what is best. I guess I am just scared to be alone. That is what I posted I guess because in my heart I guess I really know it would never work between us but when it comes down to it I can't let him go or I feel in a state of panic or something because he says he wants it over.

[bluebutterfly_rising]

I don't even know why we feel jealousy because it serves no purpose.

 

I can tell you this: Jealousy will get you nowhere. You can be as jealous as you want, but it does absolutely nothing but make you look haggard, insecure and crazy.

 

Okay, maybe a tiny smidge of jealousy can let a person know that you care about them, but anything more than that, you look like psycho girlfriend.

 

If you want to stay with this guy, and you want things to work out, then stop all the jealous behavior. Just stop it. I don't care how hard it is, I don't care if you have to bite your tongue off just to get through one moment of feeling jealous, don't express it.

 

Jealousy is BENEATH you. You're too good to feel jealous about anybody or anything. You want to look good and feel good about yourself, then stop being jealous. Look, if being jealous was going to do anything to help you, I'd tell you to flaunt your jealous ass all over the place, but think about it. It does absolutely nothing. NOTHING. It just makes you look bad.

 

Now, it does go without saying that if someone really loves you, they don't engage in behaviors that makes you feel insecure. They try to make you feel safe. But I know how hard it is to let go of someone when you love them. We've all loved those kind of people who makes us go crazy with jealousy. Really, you shouldn't be with someone who makes you feel this way.

 

But, if you're determined to be with him, then stop feeling insecure, or at least don't show your insecurity. Because it does absolutely nothing. It's totally useless. In the past, you've shown your jealousy and look what its gotten you. Nowhere! Now try something else.

 

Get counselling, take medication, I don't care what you have to do to stop feeling jealous but do it. Because jealousy is totally useless in relationships. All it does is make you look bad.

 

Blue

[notmakingsense]

Jennifer --

 

I think that you have to realize that when you get involved with a divorced man w/ kids that you are getting involved with his ex and kids also. Its part of the package. A man in this situation will continue to have a relationship with his ex because of the kids. He's only been out of the marriage for a few years, so this is relatively new to boot. Kids, depending on their ages, will often be agitators -- not accepting of the new woman/man for quite some time, so you will just have to realize that they may be bringing her up on purpose -- but, they are just kids -- let it be.

 

Your bf's friend obviously heard about how sensitive you are about his ex, so him asking "is she close" probably had nothing to do with any other woman -- and if I were your bf's buddy, I'd probably have done the same thing.... you have everyone walking on eggshells.

 

Jealousy/Insecurity is a tough thing to deal with, I know, I've been there. You can take one of two approaches: (a) do some serious work on your issues, or (b) recognize that some types of relationships won't work well with you. For example, being in a relationship with a man that needs to be involved with his ex, or being in a relationship with a salesman who meets a lot of women... you get the picture. There is nothing wrong with accepting who you are and finding people who are more likely to fit in better with that.

[jennifer1983]

Thank you both for such a quick reply. I think truly in my heart I should find someone else who would just as you both said, would work better for me. He does do things sometimes that would make anyone be a little insecure. I know in my heart jealousy gets me nowhere but how do you stop it when youre in the heat of the moment and he says or does something and my heart stops and I get in this state of panic thinking it is really him lying to me. I really do WANT to get past this...but HOW? I mean not for him, for me. I know this has caused a lot of my relationships in the past to go downhill and even I am not happy with how I am at times. He is a good guy he did cheat on his ex wife and he was open and honest about what he did and his reasons. He has been honest with me about everything I guess. It really is just when we argue that he stops putting effort into anything. He quits trying to work on his issues and doesn't want to work on anything. I guess when he said he thinks its best its over I just need to go on with my life. I know he is mad about what happened and maybe thats his reasoning for saying that, I really don't know.

[bluebutterfly_rising]

He/she is 100% right in what they posted. But I also know that you are not ready to let go of this relationship, so here's exactly what you do in the meantime:

 

Repeat to yourself daily, even multiple times a day: Jealousy is totally useless.

Look, if jealousy was going to work for you, you'd have a wonderful relationship with this guy.

 

Remind yourself every minute you get that all that jealousy is going to do for you is make you look bad. Look, you might have every reason in the world to be jealous. He might really be doing things to make you feel insecure. But it doesn't work to show it. You really shouldn't be in this kind of relationship. But since you are choosing to be in it, you can't let yourself look like pyscho girlfriend. Come on, how's that going to help you?

 

In the heat of the moment, when you're really feeling the full blast of jealousy and insecurity. Take a deep breath and tell yourself: This is ONLY going to make me look bad. And then decide that you're not going to do what DOESN'T work. SHOWING JEALOUSY DOES NOT WORK.

 

Do anything opposite of what you're feeling. Yawn, look at your watch, look around the room, start reading a book. Shrug your shoulders. Look bored. Flirt with other people. Anything at all.

 

Blue

[jennifer1983]

You're right blue, it just feels like when I do try to think of something else or just put it past me that is all I think about. The thing really is I don't know if I really want him or not or if its just the fact I am scared to make the wrong decision and let him go if really I was the problem to begin with. Although most of my friends say I deserve better....I do downplay myself and have low self esteem hence the jealousy and control thing. I do feel like everyone is out to do me wrong I know that sounds crazy but in the past few months I have realized that I think so negative because of what has happened in my past. I am so insecure that I second guess every decision I make. I realize all these things its just putting myself in that mindset to change things is different. I can see what I am doing wrong its just putting these realizations into practice is something different. I am miserable with myself even with the way I act sometimes I just don't know how to make myself suddenly realize not everyone is lying to me when that is all I have ever known.

[Kristin]

Hi Jennifer,

 

I had a similar problem with my ex. The first half year he behaved and gave me the feeling that I can totally trust him, I had never doubts.

But after a half year his behaviour to care for the realtionship and me changed and went less. He stopped telling me everything.. His behaviour gave me the feeling of being insecure. I recognized his change and was wondering if he had some secrets...

Added to this situation, I recognized that his life (he has a daughter with his ex) didn´t really fit into my needs. I stood at the last position in his life. Everything came first. And that he stopped to care for me, said I am childish, when I need some care when I am ill and little but really really painful things like this.

I cried very often and thought everytime when I left his home that I will never come back because of this deep heartbreaking pain of his horrible behaviour to me.

I thought over three months to beak up because he was not able to give me the smallest things to feel beeing loved by him. I didn´t want end up in this kind of relationship-

 

But in some way I really (still do) loved him too much, than to loose the hope that we will find a way back to how he was a few months before.

 

At the end, he broke up the relationship. He said he is loving me very much, but not enough...

 

So, also that I thought the whole time baout breaking up... he did it at last and I feel horrible...

To know, that I will never see him again in my life and lost someone who still loves me but doesn´t want to work things out....

 

It is painful, really heartbreaking....but at the end, he could never have given me in the realtionship what I need. And also not a little bit of this...

I will get over him oneday and will find a man who cares for me and doesn´t stop it after the first half year... But to find this, I have to go through so much pain.. I will endure it, because I want to choose a happy and not sad and disappointing life.....

 

 

Kristin

[jennifer1983]

Thanks Kristin...at least I know I am not alone in my situation.