I don't get it

[consumed]

So here's an update to this thread I made last week. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80368/We went out Friday night, I took her to a fancy restaraunt in my city. We talked and talked, then went and saw a show and talked more afterwards over coffee. I thought she had a great time, she said she did. Anyways, there was a little bit of affection, hand, goodbye kisses.... and we parted. I called her up today again, asked if she'd want to go see another show (She's a movie buff). So time come's I pick her up, and after the show she didn't want to go anywhere else so I drove her home. We get there and she spills the news.

She isn't over her ex-bf yet and need's space and time. So no dating anymore. My luck has been pretty crappy as of late. First I'm in a 8month relationship where I move to another province with my gf so she can be with her family. Shortly after moving there she tells me she doesn't know what she wants and says I have to move back to my city. In Dec I start dating a girl who after 1 month tells me the same thing as this girl, she isn't over her ex-bf and needs space. And now it happends again with this girl. I should give up... I try so hard... maybe that's my problem. I've been on probably 8 dates in the last 5 years, taken the girls to fancy restaraunts, movies, open doors everytime, even the car doors, and look where it got me... I'm single...

On one hand you want to be with someone and build a relationship yet with everyone that fails your hopes and confidence goes down but then on the other you get sick of it. What am I doing wrong. The girls always say it's not you it's me. I am an outgoing guy, I'm not really shy or quiet... I give up... I must have bad luck. What I don't get either is this girl from what people told me at work really had feelings for me. I mean, she even told me that yesterday...

[hyakku]

Stop Now.

 

I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself drifting from your body and hovering above yourself. Now in your new spirit form read this post. Look at how pathetic it sounds man.

 

DO NOT START THINKING NEGATIVELY. We can help, but first stop being so hard on yourself. Now ask yourself, what have you been doing to make all these girls feel this way. I think you said it yourself:

 

I should give up... I try so hard... maybe that's my problem. I've been on probably 8 dates in the last 5 years, taken the girls to fancy restaraunts, movies, open doors everytime, even the car doors, and look where it got me... I'm single...

 

You said it yourself. You are losing confidence, you are trying WAY too hard, and you aren't being genuine. When you first go out don't go to some fancy restaurant or the movies. Opening doors and car doors is GREAT, don't stop that, that is CLASSY, you aren't as bad as you think. But you are your own worst enemy in this scenario. So let's get cracking.

 

First off, stop all of this wussy talk. Stop it all. Stop getting down. Stop it all, because you know what it does? It drags down EVERYTHING about you. Your attitude your energy, and most importantly your body language. When you walk around like you have been defeated and walked on by women, more women are gonna say, "Well he's just another average joe" Or "he's just another loser", because you DISPLAY this image. Pep it up, be happy, you live in 2006, imagine living back in old days where people were dying at the age of 30 and people had to fight on horseback in order to survive. You live in America (I'm assuming from the way you sound), you live in a great place, so you're having a bit of women problem, nothing that can't be solved, so STOP BEING SO DOWN. It makes everyone else DOWN, and no one likes to be with someone who is down. You need to be confident. You..are consumed! A lady dumped you? Damn thats too bad its HER loss. think this way, you are a great guy, it IS her loss, there are billions of other women out there, only ONE you. Think this way, because if you think this way, you will act this way, women will enjoy you, and you will enjoy yourself (not that way you sicko ).

 

Second, make some friends who are really successful with women or are at the level you wanna be. Good thing David DeAngelo talks about (seriously suggest you invest in his ebook and advanced series, guarantee it will change your life) is reference groups. IF you are surrounded by pessimistic people, you are going to BE pessimistic, if you are around optimistic people you have no choice. Guys who are really succesful with women, unless they are professional pimps, or some type of "Tough gangster 'The world is against me and I'm against her' " guy, will WANT to help. They like helping other guys out and learning. You gotta hang with guys who KNOW what they are doing. Walk up to em and say, "Hey you've got a talent there for talking to women mind if I buy you something to eat and I ask you a few questions, I'm having a problem with women in my life and I wanna get it settled." Most guys will say sure and you can start talking, etc.

 

Third, notice how all the women said the SAME thing. I'm willing to bet that one of these ladies ex boyfriends was an "a**h***" or a "jerk that traeted her bad", most of the time they really werent. You do NOT buy your way into a woman's heart, taking her to fancy restaurants, spending tons of cash when the relationship first starts, doing all this screams "I'm afraid you don't like me for WHO I AM, so I'll buy you dinner and make you/guilt you into liking me".

 

Stop all this, first date have fun, do something UNIQUE, if not just get together for coffee and tea and just talk and have fun, tease, flirt, the main goal should not be, "How quick can I get her to be my girlfriend" the main goal should be FUN. If you are both having fun, she will want to have more FUN with you. If you are just doing boring, average stuff, she can get that from ANYONE. Again, don't lay all your eggs in one basket, its not wrong to date more than one woman at a time as long as they know you are dating around. People don't find their soulmates by dating one person for 10 months going, "Nah sorry not gonna work" and then waste year after year looking for the one, more people are trying to do this, and the divorce rate is at an all time high. Dating around makes it more possible to find someone you TRULY want to settle down with. Date around, have fun, meet women and just be concerned with enjoying life. Another is indifference. Be INDIFFERENT. This is something YOU aren't too good at, be indifferent to the outcome. "If it works, great, if it doesn't all well her loss" THINK THIS WAY. You need to be confident, do you know why guys get friendzoned? Because they act like a womans GIRLFRIEND and not a MAN.

 

To sum up, Confidence is key. Stop blowing tons of cash in the hopes of making a woman fall in love with you over dinner, do something unique and interesting on dates, but for the first maybe just grab a cup of tea or coffee for fun and if you get hungry get something light to eat, you don't have to dress up and all to enjoy yourselves. Look to have fun, not how quick you can make her your girlfriend. Date around, you aren't going to have much look finding your soulmate by hopping around the nation dating one woman.

 

Oh and two last things I didn't address. Stop being needy, talking on the phone an hour a day is friend / girlfriend behavior. Don't seek approval, "I hope you had fun." "Did you have fun?" "Where do you wanna go?" "Maybe I can take you out some time." None of this. Make the decision where you're going, assume she is having fun, be the LEADER, the MAN.

 

And absence makes the heart grow fonder, I know its hard but you do NOT need to contact her every day, once or twice a week is fine, maybe going out two times a week if you are really trying to get into a relationship.

 

And finally, this isn't to say you can't do any of this stuff any of the time, but save it for when you are more involved, not first dates.

[consumed]

2 of the girls I dated were serious relationships. I dated the one girl for 8 months, and the other for over a year.

[hyakku]

Congratulations...? I couldn't really think of anything else to say.

 

Again, you don't wanna smother them, if they all are saying, "Its not you its me" I hate to be harsh but, it most certainly is you. You've tried all that way, try changing up a bit, it can only help you.

 

And I noticed you are in canada, sorry about that a bit tired.

[consumed]

Believe me, when a girl says It's me not you.... I know it's me... they don't have to beat around the bush. But I dunno... I guess I'm getting tired. I want to date but I don't. I look back on teh past 5 yrs, the girls I've dated and what I've done and I think... what happened? Take for instance some of the things I have done.

For my last ex, I moved to anotehr province 2000km away so she could be with her family. I moved with her from my city of 3 million to her town of 300 people. I bought her flowers once a week, I spoiled her. At nights I would get her tea, I would get her blankets... you name it. And look where that got me. It got me a "I want you to go back to your city... I don't know what I want anymore."

And my ex before that? I won't even go into the things I did, crazy stuff. Drving 50km to bring her msdonalds and then 5 minutes after getting there having to leave because her paretns don't want anyone over past 12.

For evergirl I've done soo much more. My 2 serious girlfriends would always tell me I treated them better then anyone they knew and 100x better then their ex bf's. But yet... where am I after 5yrs....

[hyakku]

Believe me, when a girl says It's me not you.... I know it's me... they don't have to beat around the bush. But I dunno... I guess I'm getting tired. I want to date but I don't. I look back on teh past 5 yrs, the girls I've dated and what I've done and I think... what happened? Take for instance some of the things I have done.

For my last ex, I moved to anotehr province 2000km away so she could be with her family. I moved with her from my city of 3 million to her town of 300 people. I bought her flowers once a week, I spoiled her. At nights I would get her tea, I would get her blankets... you name it. And look where that got me. It got me a "I want you to go back to your city... I don't know what I want anymore."

And my ex before that? I won't even go into the things I did, crazy stuff. Drving 50km to bring her msdonalds and then 5 minutes after getting there having to leave because her paretns don't want anyone over past 12.

For evergirl I've done soo much more. My 2 serious girlfriends would always tell me I treated them better then anyone they knew and 100x better then their ex bf's. But yet... where am I after 5yrs....

 

I responded to this for you. You know what this says to a woman when you are doing all of this?

 

"I'm insecure, clingy and needy. I need you to lead my life and drag me around by my balls. I want to be with you for ever and ever, and even when your dead I'll still be your servant. When we are alive I will bring the universe to you and I will simply overpower you with all of my gifts, affection and suffocate you with all my wussiness."

 

Stop this man, romance is a SPICE. a SPICE. not a five course meal. It's not ROMANTIC if you are doing it every day or week. It needs to be random and when she least expects it. A good guy said roll a thirty sided dice and in that amount of days maybe do something romantic and then wait a while. It keeps it fresh and actually romantic, not the norm. When you start off doing all this, you can only go down. When you start off without doing all this you can only go up.

 

What comes up most come down. If you are always with the perfect balance you don't have to worry about going up or down.

[consumed]

what did you mean by this?

 

"guys get friendzoned? Because they act like a womans GIRLFRIEND and not a MAN."

 

arn't I always being a man on the dates?

[hyakku]

Did you get that from another thread you sly dog you?

 

No what I mean is there is a zone alot of guys refer to as a friend zone where women slot men in here often with the phrases such as:

 

"Let's just be friends."

 

"I don't wanna ruin such a great friendship."

 

"It's not you its me, I just need some time off" (What you've been getting).

 

"I need some ME time"

 

Etc.

 

You are being a male on dates, not a MAN. A man is confident that the woman will enjoy him, not the meal, not the flowers, not the movie, HIM. You want to show her that you are the prize, you are a catch, she is getting the better end of the deal from this, you dont wanna say it, you wanna SHOW it, by showing her a unique but AWESOME time, having fun, flirting, teasing, busting on her, etc. Seriously suggest you sign up for David DeAngelo's mail bag and there's another guy that slips my mind.

[consumed]

ok. I see what you mean now, think you are right. I've been trying to concentrate more on the dinner, movies, and not making me the prize.

[hyakku]

Now you are getting it when you are confident and have FUN and interesting stuff planned for your date and you say, "Had a great time, *throw in some small talk* well look I'm going to run now but are you free "X" day. She says yea, "Great I'll pick you up "X" time be ready. Oh and let me ask you (just learned this technique today) because one of my pet peeves are flakiness. What are the chances on a scale of 1-10 that you may flake out and not make it or not show up? If she says I'll definetly be there, alright great, I don't need to waste my time if you don't plan to come. If she says something like 7 or 8 or something just say, "Forget it, I can't stand around wasting time like that, give me a shout when you can make it and I'll see if I can find room for you."

 

shows that you are the selector. Again, when you have fun and INTERESTING stuff planned out, and you know SHE is having fun, you aren't going to be so worried about screwing up, making mistakes etc. You're the prize, when she's with you make sure she has a good time and you won't be dealing with this.

 

Of course this doesn't mean look down and condescend on people just know that YOU are a catch.

[Lala7819]

I responded to this for you. You know what this says to a woman when you are doing all of this?

 

"I'm insecure, clingy and needy. I need you to lead my life and drag me around by my balls. I want to be with you for ever and ever, and even when your dead I'll still be your servant. When we are alive I will bring the universe to you and I will simply overpower you with all of my gifts, affection and suffocate you with all my wussiness."

 

OMG! I was thinking the same exact thing.

I had a BF for a year, we lived together for a bit, but he tried to do EVERYTHING for me. Finally it annoyed me so much (cause I can do stuff on my own) that I made him leave, I told him I needed some space (about the size of the universe is what I really needed between us.) He was kinda whiney and acted like he was everyones doormat/slave, so I dumped him. When I was done wit him I felt so free. I could do stuff for my self, go places by myself (he was like a freaking klingon) and no longer had to cheer someone up constantly when they were all self-loathing.

My whole point is summed up in the quote. Most women want guys that are self-confident, give you your space (especially when first dating), and don't wait on you hand and foot (it's nice to have a servant, but it's really not all that attractive).

 

Just an example, when I first started dating my current boyfriend, on the second date I believe, at one point when he turned around he said "I have a nice ass, maybe someday you can see it." It sounded so cocky (I took it as a half-joking remark), but at the same time it was such a relief that I wouldn't have to be reminding him of how great he was, because he has enough confidence on his own, also, it makes him fun to be around.

 

 

And, a direct tip for you: Before you try to get anymore girlfriends, work on yourself, gain some confidence, and on your next sate, don't try too hard. Opening doors=pleasent surprise, Pushing in chairs=a bit much(for me anyway), Fancy dining on a first date (especially for an 18 year old)=intimidating, and not very comfortable (especially if you have to dress up and can't be yourself)=Way overboard

[hyakku]

OMG! I was thinking the same exact thing.

I had a BF for a year, we lived together for a bit, but he tried to do EVERYTHING for me. Finally it annoyed me so much (cause I can do stuff on my own) that I made him leave, I told him I needed some space (about the size of the universe is what I really needed between us.) He was kinda whiney and acted like he was everyones doormat/slave, so I dumped him. When I was done wit him I felt so free. I could do stuff for my self, go places by myself (he was like a freaking klingon) and no longer had to cheer someone up constantly when they were all self-loathing.

My whole point is summed up in the quote. Most women want guys that are self-confident, give you your space (especially when first dating), and don't wait on you hand and foot (it's nice to have a servant, but it's really not all that attractive).

 

Just an example, when I first started dating my current boyfriend, on the second date I believe, at one point when he turned around he said "I have a nice ass, maybe someday you can see it." It sounded so cocky (I took it as a half-joking remark), but at the same time it was such a relief that I wouldn't have to be reminding him of how great he was, because he has enough confidence on his own, also, it makes him fun to be around.

 

 

And, a direct tip for you: Before you try to get anymore girlfriends, work on yourself, gain some confidence, and on your next sate, don't try too hard. Opening doors=pleasent surprise, Pushing in chairs=a bit much(for me anyway), Fancy dining on a first date (especially for an 18 year old)=intimidating, and not very comfortable (especially if you have to dress up and can't be yourself)=Way overboard

 

Now you can believe me. Exactly what I just said. Oh and tell your boyfriend I'm using that line.

[consumed]

thx for the replies. Reading all of this has been a huge wakeup call. I'm starting to relize what the heck I've been doing wrong. Everything you said in you're first reply (I read it over a few times) is right on the target. It's like reading me. It is me. I really need to start changing my ways, stop trying to impress with where I take them and focus more on me and carry that attitude of "If it goes it goes, if not screw it, their loss." I need to focus on having a great time and not trying to read into everything and the girls actions.

[hyakku]

thx for the replies. Reading all of this has been a huge wakeup call. I'm starting to relize what the heck I've been doing wrong. Everything you said in you're first reply (I read it over a few times) is right on the target. It's like reading me. It is me. I really need to start changing my ways, stop trying to impress with where I take them and focus more on me and carry that attitude of "If it goes it goes, if not screw it, their loss." I need to focus on having a great time and not trying to read into everything and the girls actions.

 

THERE ya go, you're starting to get it. Life is too short to be fretting if ONE woman doesn't like you, there are millions and billions out there, same goes for women reading the thread, there are millions and billions out there (of course only one me so if you find me on the streets make sure to pick me up and take me to a fancy restaurant . Don't worry I like being wined and dined.)

[consumed]

Yeh, some of my good friends have told me I'm letting girls take advantage of my generosity and kindness too much. When I hear that It annoys cause here I am trying to be mr.nice guy and yet some of the girls probably think it's great they are being taken out, wined and dined.

Take this girl I was just seeing right? On Friday after the dinner and movie so says "Well thanks for everything and the good company.." and I'm thinking... good company?? wtf?!?

[hyakku]

See but you can change for the better believe me .

 

Read this thread at this site:

 

http://www.cad-forums.com/showthread.php?t=51732

 

Same title as your thread and everything and look at the GOOD advice they give at that board. Read there if you don't its an AWESOME community for help with your love life (and video games .)

[consumed]

good read. sounds like he is in the same boat.

[consumed]

To understand my situation here’s the link to my previous post. Basically, the last girl I took out on a few dates blew me off with the “It not you it’s me”. Anyway that was 2 weeks ago and last night I got the same thing from yet another girl L I’m puzzled… believe me.

We met at my work same place where I met girl #1 but it’s a big retail store. In the last week we’ve been talking online and actually last Wednesday after talking online she wanted me to come over because she was home alone. Well I didn’t go simply because there was another guy at the work who was suppose to go see a show with her, although he doesn’t have any interest in her really so it didn’t end up happening.

Then this past Sunday we do go on a date, but this time I didn’t go all out. I dressed normal, no dinner this time, just a show (she wanted to see) and coffee before. That went well, and then for 2 days we had no contact. Yesterday I email her telling mentioning that I would still love to join her at a small concern in a local bar where her sister was playing. We met up there and I drove her home, which is where I get all confused.

See we arrive at her house, have a half hr make out session and then she dumps it on me.

“I just don’t get that butterfly feeling in me when I’m with you and I know I should.” Well we spent the next hr in the car talking about things, were we wanted to take things but mostly in the end all I got were a bunch of mixed and dead-end answers. I wasn’t sure if she just wanted friendship with the added benefits, or was seeking a relationship.

After about an hr, she mentioned (and did before) that she wanted to cuddle and asked me to stay the night. Well we both stayed on her couch although I didn’t get any sleep nor did she. One thing lead to another of course. That’s were it comes into question: what’s on her mind? She thanks me a few times, we talk for 2 hrs, she mentions how she feels bad for taking advantage of me (just for that situation I mean). I asked her many time’s what she wanted to do, but all I got like I said were mixed answers that I couldn’t pick anything from. She said everything from, “So if I see you around town I’ll give you a hug”, “I might call you….” “I like my comfy life right now where things are just the way they are”…. And lots more was said. Originally we had planned to get together on Saturday although now after asking a few times it seems that is up in the air. I told her I’d call her on Friday or send an email seeing if she still wanted, although I made clear nothing was expected, we would both know nothing is there, it’s just us getting together. She seems REALLY confused over what she wants, or maybe it’s me (I can’t tell you how many times tonight she said I was too much of a nice guy, even for her.) I did try and fix that by making some moves but I’m the type that won’t make any move on a girl unless I am 100% she wants it, but it seems from at least the girls I’ve dated they like someone who takes risks and will go for things. I left her place a few hrs ago and I’m really confused now L. Even if she doesn’t want a relationship right now, I told her that’s ok. I told her if anything happens, it happens but even I would not go into it expecting anything. She hasn’t dated anyone or been with anyone for 2 years and so she feels scared she said. Both in our mid twenties.

[Super89Rex]

Dude, I know what you mean; I have had the same luck as you with women the past few months. The last one which JUST happened like yesterday decided that she wanted to just be friends, thats cool.. I try not to take these things personally anymore, and just try to use them as a learning experience; it basically teaches you WHAT doesn't work, so next time around try something different; but don't repeat the same things that don't work.

 

Best of luck.

[consumed]

Thing that stinks is that I've dated a few girls that I really could have seen my self with for years if not very long term. Unfortunately I didn't have alot of relationship experience back then and make the mistakes I'm learning and using towards new relationships. Just makes you wish you could go back in time with all you're knowledge and try and make things good again.

[Super89Rex]

Yeah man I know what you mean, it does suck; because you look back and basically kick yourself in the head thinking what if I only did this differently, then she may have stuck around a bit. But, each and everyone one of these “failures” isn’t so much a failure as it is a valuable learning experience, and when you finally find “the one” then you will be thankful you learned as much as you did from the other women, that taught you how to get the real woman of your dreams.. Dude, PM me if you want to talk about this;its always nice to have a buddy on MSN whos in the same boat.

 

Matt

[consumed]

Is you're pm enabled? Does not give me that option.

[Super89Rex]

[email protected]