Author ICS Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 I read hokey's story two nights ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t31207/ it really touched me and I tried to relate it to my own life, and then I thought.. maybe this is the same story that is unfolding for me, that maybe there IS light at the end of the tunnel. For a moment I suddenly had new faith in my relationship again, but I think I was just being foolish and stupid. Last night when I had that new faith again, I was going to see her for a little- I thought that everything could be ok.. it's a stupid thought. I told her I would have to see her a little later than expected because it was rush hour. She text messaged me to assure me she didn't mind. During the next phone call from her, she started talking to me and then suddenly hung up and shut off her phone completely. Surely I didn't think I did anything to upset her. At that moment I was worried that she might be going through another depression-filled day, and I wanted to be there for her. After many attempts to call her without success, I stopped over at her house, rang her doorbell at least 10 times, and there was nothing- I was under the impression that she was out of the house. When I got back into my car and drove off, I saw her shadow at the door, looking out at me, so I drove back and tried to talk to her. Without a doubt she ignored my phone calls and pretended to be not home. She told me to leave and didn't want me to be in her house- but all I wanted was an understanding of why she was so irritable.. I had no idea what had gotten over her, there was no reason in the world for her to act that way. She sweared at me and promptly shoved me out of the house, but I was firm on trying to understand what had happened. ( I was overly patient, I didn't want to fight but she was outrageous in her behaviour ) There was nothing I could do, I just left her house, and she ran to the door and forcefully locked it behind me. All the while this was happening, I lost my faith in her totally.. there is nothing left, and I also had the conversation here on LS in my head, I knew it was time to let go. A few hours later, I called her up and tried one last time to figure out what had gone wrong. Hang up after hang up, I finally told her that we should just break up because I've tried so hard but I know I can never make her happy and that she might try to kill herself again if my actions trigger such an impulse, and the events that occurred a few hours ago pointed out how her happiness is indeed dependent on me. She went "uh huh, goodnight" and hung up on me once again. Just before bedtime she called me up several times again- talking all sweet and trying to explain her actions-justifying that her actions were actually based on my decision to delay my visit to see her tonight. She also added that it's up to me if I want to break up with her, but she wants me to be a friend. I didn't buy that, but her sweet-talking doesn't help me, it made me feel as though I made a mistake or that I've left her in the rain alone. I got off the phone with her and this morning she called me up again, seemingly happy- very happy and spirited. I didn't want to talk to her and explained that I was busy. Lunch time came and she made another phone call, but I didn't pick up- I simply don't know what to say to her or what she is trying to do. P.S.: Newbby, I gave her what you had suggested (two nights ago), whether or not it'll mean anything to her.. I have no idea. From here on she has to help herself.
Vertex Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 She is playing so many games with your mind. Don't let her control your actions -- break it off immediately and don't let a seemingly good mood make it seem like she's completely over her issues. The way she treats you is uncalled for. You need to tell her to stop calling, and move on. She is only coming to you because she's been taking you for granted, and now that you're moving towards permanent separation, she is scared and wants you to reconsider. In my opinion, there's too much damage and mindgames going on to consider going back a viable option.
newbby Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 P.S.: Newbby, I gave her what you had suggested (two nights ago), whether or not it'll mean anything to her.. I have no idea. From here on she has to help herself. ics! you make it sound like something rude!! on a serious note, i really dont think she wants to be with you either, but doesnt want you to hate her. just get out. stay away from her, not because she is a bad person, but because together, you do not work. AND as everyone has been telling you over and over again, you need to do some SERIOUS WORK ON YOURSELF. cant you see that?
Author ICS Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 ics! you make it sound like something rude!! on a serious note, i really dont think she wants to be with you either, but doesnt want you to hate her. just get out. stay away from her, not because she is a bad person, but because together, you do not work. AND as everyone has been telling you over and over again, you need to do some SERIOUS WORK ON YOURSELF. cant you see that? Newbby, no I didn't mean it as something rude She keeps calling me and I don't know how I can possibly give her what she (and I) want without everything crashing and burning again. I know I have to remove all traces of her from my life, but how? I had a long talk with my friends last night and them too agreed I did the right thing. A while ago someone told me to not be afraid to be alone. It wasn't until that comment that I had thought about the implications of breaking up with her and never seeing her or talking to her again. To be honest, I really am afraid of being alone, I have a very quiet life with few real friends who now live out of town, so it's very hard to find someone to talk to or spend time with, and before you know it, I think about her again. She was my first girlfriend and now that I think of it, maybe I made the wrong choice to be with her in the beginning- if it wasn't because of that, maybe there wouldnt be all these complications and unhappiness and hurt, we could have been long term friends, I would rather choose that. Suddenly this world just became a much colder and more painful place to be in.
newbby Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 ics, congratulations on recognising that you have some problems which made it difficult to let go of this relationship. its difficult to look inwards sometimes. really do some work on yourself, read some self help books for yourself, really make the most of realising that you were vulnerable and exploring yourself. sometimes that can be such an exciting journey in itself, that you wont feel lonely or bored.
newbby Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 oh and HOW?, read some of the numerous threads on nc, they should help you. look up cali guy, i think he is the current king of nc
Guest555 Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I stopped by at the nearest place that was still open, and bought myself quickly a slice of pizza. After all, I just didnt want to go out on an empty stomach. The whole time I was having pizza she was sitting there and began to act very annoyed and irritated with me. It didn't help when I questioned her out of concern. She rushed me to finish my food but I could only go so fast. You teach people how to treat you, stop acting like a victim. She is obviously a spoiled brat, used to getting her own way. I'm sure her life of idleness and pondering is very hard and I'm sure she suffers greatly, but you must move on. She needs to be dropped in Africa for a couple of days that will cure her depression. I say this as someone who was exactly like that girl and frankly I don't know why anyone put up with me during those years. It was when they no longer did that I changed.
Author ICS Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 The unexpected happened today. She wrote me a text message and told me that she will be in the hospital for the weekend. It looks as though her mom cut her trip short and came back for her. She opened up to her mom about taking aspirin and wanting to kill herself, and her mom decided to call up psychiatrists - they all suggested for her to go to the hospital. Somehow they got the cops involved too. Even though it was just a couple of text messages, I really feel bad for her. She talks about them keeping her at the hospital against her will. And I can't do anything for her but sit and read her messages, it's very depressing.
newbby Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 ics, maybe this is actually the best thing for her. now i know where you are coming from and i dont always agree with that sort of treatment, but, her mother has actually come to help her through this too. this means she will be getting alot of support that she didnt have before. it is good news! ics, do you think in some way you may be also transferring your own unhappiness on to her? i really think you also sound very depressed, and i dont think this is because of her. you are viewing even positive developments in her life in a negative way. maybe you think you are not entitled to feel unhappy unless it is unhappiness for somebody else?? this is just a thought, but maybe one that you could explore by trying to help yourself. try some good self help books, you have been recommended a few.
Author ICS Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 Newbby, you are right, I really should be happy for her, because this is something that could potentially heal her in the long run. I am not a very happy person, or rather- I can be easily made unhappy. I believe I put myself in other people's positions too much, and when I do, it doesn't usually paint a pretty picture. What I felt today was likely a result of putting myself in her shoes and realizing that the world thinks she is insane and that they are holding her there despite her discomfort. It generated a lot of negative emotions and feelings for me. To be honest, the words of her text messages were almost screaming out for desperate help from me, but I am not the person to help her, and I can't. In the afternoon she called me up from a public phone too, but I did not know what to say to her, and eventually she hung up on me. And Newbby, you are right, I should look at improving myself right now, that should be priority.
Mary3 Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 She has depended on you during her sickness. Its an unhealthy dependence coming from someone who likely needs meds and therapy. Once she gets healed and stronger she may look back on your friendship and remember that you were there for her . Its time she got help. Maybe later you can both renew your friendship once she is better.
newbby Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 also transferring your own unhappiness on to her? i really think you also sound .... grrr, i meant projecting not transferring!!! i dont know whats wrong with me lately! i have the flu and pmt and my brain is not working! yes ics, some good advice from mary3 there. she will remember that you helped her. take lots of care.
Author ICS Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 Since she is allowed visitors during the day, would it be so wrong to visit her at the hospital tomorrow? I want to see how she is. It can't hurt, right?
Author ICS Posted February 26, 2006 Author Posted February 26, 2006 I really need to talk to someone right now.. For the last week or so I haven't really called her and she hasnt really called me. Truth is, I have been quite busy these days, and I wasn't intentionally avoiding her altogether. Last week she has been trying to see me almost everyday, but I didn't allow that to happen, I knew it was for the best. Finally, at the beginning of thisweek, I told her we shouldn't be together because I am not neccessarily the best thing for her right now. She didn't believe my explanation and blew up at me. I couldn't call her because that would have escalated the argument to a new level- and there was no point in that. For the rest of the week, she has called me less and on saturday I was going to see her (the first time in two weeks) because I thought: "hey it couldnt hurt right?". Anyhow, I was so tired because I went without sleep the night before, so I messaged her and took a nap for a few hours. When I woke up and called her, she wasn't anywhere to be found. An hour later, she messaged me and I was about to see her, but she blew up at me for not having seen her earlier in the day (it was 7pm). I explained that I still wanted to see her, but she blew up at me once again and called me manipulative. She told me she doesn't even care about me, and that it's over already. This morning she called me- I didn't pick up, and just now I got an email from her telling me how much she had wanted to see me or spend time with me the past month, but that I had let her down. She thinks that I had gotten a new girl and the letter was more or less a closure for our relationship. After today, I would never hear from her again, and probably for the best too, but in her mind she will always think about the events that unfolded this month- and tell herself that I don't really love her when the truth is quite the contrary. I want to call her up or write her a letter about what really happened and how I feel about her, but I know there would be no meaning in it. Maybe it is better that her lasting impression of me is a poor one because that way she would be doing her part of keeping me away from the temptation of being with her in a relationship- I feel it sometimes because I can't help it. I will always have the same feeling about her- and remember all the good times we had together, but everytime I think of that, I'll remember that it was a time long ago- because the girl I love no longer feels the same about me, all because I had wanted better for the both of us.
johan Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 It's hard to have relationships with messed up women, and it's hard to get out of those relationships. Sorry it's been so hard for you, ICS. I can relate to much of what you've been through, because it's similar to how things went for me with my ex. I often feel thankful that she never allowed us to get really close, because it has been relatively easy to let her go. But it's still a loss, and I loved her. I always thought she and I would get it together at some point, when she learned to trust me and let her fears go. But we didn't. We went through stuff like what you went through. Hang in there and look forward at where you want to go in life. Don't look backward at what went wrong. You did your best.
Author ICS Posted March 2, 2006 Author Posted March 2, 2006 It's hard to have relationships with messed up women, and it's hard to get out of those relationships. Sorry it's been so hard for you, ICS. I can relate to much of what you've been through, because it's similar to how things went for me with my ex. I often feel thankful that she never allowed us to get really close, because it has been relatively easy to let her go. But it's still a loss, and I loved her. I always thought she and I would get it together at some point, when she learned to trust me and let her fears go. But we didn't. We went through stuff like what you went through. Hang in there and look forward at where you want to go in life. Don't look backward at what went wrong. You did your best. I haven't talked to her ever since last week. I made no initiative to call her and ignored all her phone calls. As far as NC goes, it's not going so bad, but I always get the temptation to talk to her.. to just pick up the phone. The other day she kept calling me, but I never picked up, maybe some things are better off the way they are. Yet sometimes I feel more depressed without her in my life at all... but maybe it's for the best? Johan, did you keep contact with her after your relationship ended?
BMW Posted March 3, 2006 Posted March 3, 2006 I would say i am a mild version of you GF. Maybe she just needs the meds long enough to rebalance her chemicals. She should be cool as long as she doesn't stop taking them abruptly. Maybe she will feel better to know that if she thinks crazy she's not. Crazy people don't know they are. Best of luck to you.
Author ICS Posted March 19, 2006 Author Posted March 19, 2006 Over the past few weeks I have been reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder- which is what my ex has. There are books out there that I could almost completely relate my relationship with her to. For anyone who is in a similar situation as me, I would suggest some reading up on the net about this disorder.
Recommended Posts