Touche Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Excuse me.. but what's wrong in being careful the next time around? Shame on me only if I do the same mistake again by going after the same type of girl.. Go figure! Same "type" of girl? HELLO!!! Not all Jewish girls are the same! Don't you get that? Just like not all Christian girls are the same. Get it now?
Touche Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 Sorry, IC. Didn't mean to hijack. It's just I hate bigotry of any kind. So sorry, it didn't work out last time with her. Can you call her parents and talk to them. For your own sanity you must step out of this. You must. That is abnormal behavior. It' s not you and don't let her make you think it is. There's NOTHING you could have done right according to her. She is ill. Let her parents and doctors help her. Find peace and happiness somewhere else.
noclobber Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 ICS, I think for your own mental health and stability you need to move away from this person. In time she will mess you up too... I know it's heart-breaking to let go but it looks like you have a real situation to deal with. She can't just keep throwing one temper tantrum after the other and then expect you to forgive all that she did. There is a limit! Cut the cord and move on... good luck
Walk Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 I think I kind of understand how you feel with this girl. It's so frustrating dealing with the constant mood shifts, the never understanding what's going on... and then after you've gone through emotional hell for several hours or days, this person says you over reacted. That you should've just waited for the mood to pass, that you made it into a big deal. And you start second guessing. Thinking that maybe there is something you can say that will make them understand how horrible they made you feel. Or maybe you did over react, maybe it would've just passed and that you missed the opportunity to be with the person you love. Its probably the worst feelings I've had in my life. I'd be so happy to see my bf walk in the door... and half an hour after he got home he just stops talking. Suddenly it seems like I've done something wrong, like he's mad at me, or I've done something to upset him. I question him, but he won't respond. If I keep questioning, he blows up. If I let him be, sometimes he cools off by himself. Other times he won't talk to me for days. Its the worst hell I've ever felt. And I didn't do anything wrong.... There's no way to help her. You have gone above and beyond in your generosity toward her. You've been more understanding then anyone could expect, and she hasn't given the same amount of effort back to you. Sometimes we need to let go of someone who is mentally and emotionally killing us, even though we still care very deeply for that person. You are not responsible for her actions. The best you can do is contact someone in her family and explain your concern with suicide, and step away from the situation. She's trapped you with this now. She knows you will run to her if she goes to extremes. She won't let you leave her, no matter how horribly she acts toward you because she knows all she has to do is threaten suicide, or attempt it. And you will have to come back. The problem is, you can't help her. I don't mean to say this as your at fault, or wrong, but you contribute to the problem too. She is playing to your reactions. Each time you try to pull away from her, she is going to go to further extreme's. You are too close to this to help her. Find a family member.. if they are helping her with bills then they are willing to help her. They're probably just as frustrated as you on her moods and mental instability. Call them and tell them what is going on, and that you are stepping out of their daughters life, and then go. You aren't able to help her. This will be the rest of your life. Forever. Its no way to live.
Walk Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Well you did. Should a person who has been hurt by a Christian person never date Christians again? What a stupid view to hold! Stupid and ignorant. Jewish girls would be better off without YOU' date=' that's for sure.[/quote'] I think noclobber is stating an opinion that could've been expressed in less black and white terminology. This is a public forum, and because of that we all need to be as politically/socially correct as possible. Every one is an individual, and should not be lumped into broad generalizations. I learned a new phrase psychologist use, called "Primitive splitting". The brain automatically goes into an all or nothing mindset when dealing with issues that anger/frighten us. Kind of a "Us vs Them" philosophy. Having said that... I am extremely reluctant to ever date a proclaimed Christian again. I would ditch and run if I learned they view themselves as such. I have had several experiences with so called Christians, and they (the people I interacted with) were the most selfish, uncaring, users I have ever met. So I can kind of understand where noclobber is coming from as far as reluctance to date a certain religious group. However, I know that not all Christians are bad, and would not automatically assume they are. From my experience though, I feel our view of life is too different to be compatible romantically. So don't over generalize a whole group because of one individual.. My grandparents were Catholic. I'd hate to be lumped in a group based on their belief system. I might hold some of those beliefs still. I don't hold all their beliefs as religiously as they did. and think it unfair that I should be relegated to evil because of such.
hyakku Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 ICS end it. Please man. Do it in the day, people get more "daring" at night, just do it. Stop wasting time, trying to salvage the relationship. ITS NOT GOING TO WORK. END IT NOW.
Author ICS Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 Walk, you are right thus far, and everytime I see her again, she has proven to me that I simply cannot have a relationship with her. Last night I saw her again. Different story, but similar outcome. Everytime that I begin to have faith that I have triggered her to change, I lose that faith within days after riding through another rollercoaster ride with her. I know a story- a real one- from a friend of mine. His uncle's wife happens to be someone who is stuck at a mental age of 14 years old and requries constant medication to keep her emotionally stable. More and more now I am seeing this in this girl too. Her mood swings and emotions are inconsistent and mostly inexplicable. I have now told myself that I cannot have a serious relationship with this girl, and that everything I do now- all the time I spend with her will be solely to help her. I know it might be in vain, but the situation is quite drastic. Her parents literally hate me because I am not Jewish and not from a wealthy family like theirs, and refuse to associate with me, plus right now they are away for the winter (for half a year). Her friends are mostly in university out of town, with her roomate being her only close friend- but with whom she is on bad terms with. I am really going out of my way to help this girl, but I just cannot see any better alternative or anyone else who could possibly set her life into motion and rid it of all its depressive moments. She voiced out to me that she just wants to be happy, but could not feel any happiness in her life. I want to take her to a doctor...a psychiatrist maybe. But let's hear what you guys think.
hyakku Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 Walk, you are right thus far, and everytime I see her again, she has proven to me that I simply cannot have a relationship with her. Last night I saw her again. Different story, but similar outcome. Everytime that I begin to have faith that I have triggered her to change, I lose that faith within days after riding through another rollercoaster ride with her. I know a story- a real one- from a friend of mine. His uncle's wife happens to be someone who is stuck at a mental age of 14 years old and requries constant medication to keep her emotionally stable. More and more now I am seeing this in this girl too. Her mood swings and emotions are inconsistent and mostly inexplicable. I have now told myself that I cannot have a serious relationship with this girl, and that everything I do now- all the time I spend with her will be solely to help her. I know it might be in vain, but the situation is quite drastic. Her parents literally hate me because I am not Jewish and not from a wealthy family like theirs, and refuse to associate with me, plus right now they are away for the winter (for half a year). Her friends are mostly in university out of town, with her roomate being her only close friend- but with whom she is on bad terms with. I am really going out of my way to help this girl, but I just cannot see any better alternative or anyone else who could possibly set her life into motion and rid it of all its depressive moments. She voiced out to me that she just wants to be happy, but could not feel any happiness in her life. I want to take her to a doctor...a psychiatrist maybe. But let's hear what you guys think. No. She's just using you. STOP IT. CALL HER. WHEN YOU ARE DONE READING THIS POST I WANT YOU TO CALL HER AND END IT. NO QUESTIONS ASKED, DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU. DON'T THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING. CALL HER AND END IT. LISTEN to me man, look how she is DESTROYING, you're life, and she has you on a leash whether you realize it or not, every time she feels you are about to do the right thing and leave her, she plays a little game like she's getting better, then wants to say, "I wanna be better I just don't know how." She ****ing knows how, she dropped her OWN medication, she stopped seeing the psychiatrist on her OWN. Leave her, let her do what she wants on her OWN. She's done it so far on her OWN, let her finish it on her OWN. IF she calls you up saying she's going to commit suicide, **** IT, she isn't going to do it. Don't become a slave to some psycho's mannerisms. IF SHE KILLS HERSELF, it WASN'T YOUR FAULT. She was going to kill you with her. Believe me she isn't going to commit suicide she's just crying for attention. Call her, break up with her, and if she seems like she's going to do something stupid, call the cops tell them to get to her house and let them deal with her. STEP OUT OF HER LIFE. PLEASE. PLEASE. I'm asking you as close of a friend as I can possibly be for knowing you only a short amount of time, stop torturing yourself. Stop letting her torture you. End it.
newbby Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 your story touched me. i feel for you and you sound so lovely. i feel for her too. i have had mental health problems in the past and its not nice. you really do have to stand back. (i think) kitten chick said that people usually have to hit rock bottom before they will help themselves. whilst you are there, she is not going to help herself, it is too easy to put it onto you. she might not realise that she is doing this and she is genuinely distressed, but you being there, does not help her. she is manipulating you, and probably from a very painful place, but you cant keep letting it happen.
newbby Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 i tried to pm you. why do you not have it enabled?
Author ICS Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 i tried to pm you. why do you not have it enabled? Newbby, I just enabled the pm feature. Thanks for being such a friend!
newbby Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 i had a guy who was interested in me when i was going through a mental episode and he drove me mad. he really tried to help me but i was mad at him because i felt that he only wanted to help me because he wanted to be with me. it drove me crazy, i threw things at him, screamed at him etc. i genuinely felt bad about it but then it would happen again. i phoned this guy when i was suicidal and he came miles to help me. he was also in love with me, i ended up screaming at him to leave me alone. the only way i can describe this to you is this: i was desperately depressed. i wanted a friend, but this guy wanted more than that, (and it doesnt matter how well you try to disguise it, she knows), i found it draining. so draining. i already had more than i could deal with you see. i needed somebody but he was the only one there for me, but he wanted his feelings reciprocated. he wanted something from me that i couldnt even begin to think about.
Author ICS Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 Guys, I appreciate all the advice, and I am considering it, but I have more news again... Yesterday she called me up crying a few times and I was completely clueless as to what happened. Then last night she called me up and told me that her parents will no longer pay her credit card bills. When I questioned her, all she had to say was that she does not know why. Fortunately she told me that her best friend's mom is willing to help her, and promptly gave her some money. Now, I don't know if she has hit rock bottom yet, but I have a feeling that her parents (foster parents) are going to abandon her soon and in the coming months may stop paying for her rent too. She has no job, is completely depressed, and the money given to her is only temporary of course. But there is more... while her best friend (let's call her georgia) may be a very good friend (fun to be with, etc.), she is also not a very good influence on her life, let me explain why. Georgia is supposedly in university right now-2 hours away, but 4 days of the week she is back home here for no good reason, and has a very disordered life. To make a long story short, she is young and reckless, regularly tries drugs, and is mostly manipulative and even selfish. I know I am not saying very many nice things about Georgia, but I am not blowing it out of proportion. Georgia's behaviour is further supported and encouraged by her own circle of friends. If you have been reading my threads from a long time ago, you'll remember that my 'girlfriend's roomate (a bisexual guy supposedly), exchanged naked pictures of himself with his friends-including my 'girlfriend', but that's another story. Georgia is also part of that circle of friends, and takes naked pictures of herself and exchanges them with her friends of both sexes, including my 'girlfriend'. So now.. what are we looking at here? Her source of financial help is also a horrible influence in her life. They get into regular fights because of Georgia's behaviour, but in the end my 'girlfriend' always forgives and forget- always, all it takes is a simple hug. Her life just got even more chaotic, and I don't want to watch as a spectator, but I know that it is utterly useless to even try sticking my foot in. I haven't been able to sleep all night because of this. Help..
newbby Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 is she not entitled to any financial benefits? i think she should look into this. as for the naked pictures, i dont see the problem myself?? but drugs, really dont help her. however, i think that you have began seeing yourself too much as her carer, it really isnt up to you, who she has as friends etc. i mean this in the nicest possible way, but, you sound like her father in this last post. maybe you should focus on yourself a little more.
noclobber Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 God, what a mess! ICS, the more you write the more clear it is that you got to end this chaotic drama that is going out of bounds.
Author ICS Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 is she not entitled to any financial benefits? i think she should look into this. as for the naked pictures, i dont see the problem myself?? but drugs, really dont help her. however, i think that you have began seeing yourself too much as her carer, it really isnt up to you, who she has as friends etc. i mean this in the nicest possible way, but, you sound like her father in this last post. maybe you should focus on yourself a little more. I am just worried about her... and wish that I could do something. Her life is in such a big mess right now and it's hard to see her go through it without any planning or direction. In my previous post when I was talking about her friend, I know that she'll be of help to her financially, but in the way of helping with her mental state, I know her friend might even make her worse off than she is now. Right now all I want to do is to help her as a friend, and I really don't see any way a relationship with her is going to make her any better right now. Then again, maybe the best help is no help (from me), and just staying out of it, because she needs to find herself on her own. I really dont know.
Author ICS Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 For the last hour I have been pretty unhappy and even felt sick thinking about what I am up against. Do you think that someone like her could be mentally contagious? Could putting up with someone's behaviour change you and introduce eccentric thoughts into your mind? I think I sometimes have a skewed perception of things now and I think part of the reason was from this relationship with her, where I tried to accept her behaviour as temporary and tell myself that it'll be ok eventually.. that it'll be worth it if I am just a little more patient. There's no way that I can think that anymore. I really need someone to talk to right now.
Ladylay Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 If someone scares you, you should not be with them. Sweetie remove yourself from this right now. Let her family deal with it.
Ladylay Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 She was really starting to scare me alot as above sorry i cant edit my posts yet:(
newbby Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 For the last hour I have been pretty unhappy and even felt sick thinking about what I am up against. Do you think that someone like her could be mentally contagious? Could putting up with someone's behaviour change you and introduce eccentric thoughts into your mind? I think I sometimes have a skewed perception of things now and I think part of the reason was from this relationship with her, where I tried to accept her behaviour as temporary and tell myself that it'll be ok eventually.. that it'll be worth it if I am just a little more patient. There's no way that I can think that anymore. I really need someone to talk to right now. i agree with ladylay, how can you help somebody without first helping yourself? if it is making you unhappy, then you should not be there. oh, another thing: you should always accept somebody in a realtionship AS THEY ARE, not as how they potentially could be. if you cannot accept them as they are, which means, if you are NOT happy, then you should not be with them. if you are going to remain with her, then at least focus on yourself and sorting yourself out if you are unhappy. you cant say your happiness depends on her happiness, because it doesnt. thats being dependent, whcih isnt good for either of you. cant you see how dependent you are on what she does. THIS is your problem, not hers.
Author ICS Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 I understand that my happiness should not be dependent on hers, but I think this unhappiness for me and her is perpetual.. a cycle that wont stop until someone breaks the chain. My hapiness, nonetheless, is correlated with her actions towards me. When she had suicidal thoughts and took a bottle of aspirin, I put all my priorities aside and stayed with her for 2 days to take care of her. I wouldn't have it any other way, because I can't just sit there and think that she'll be ok, and helped as much as I could for 2 days. Last night on the phone though, she told me that her best friend really cares about her and is extremely helpful. I didn't mind.. until she told me that she knows I care too and have good intentions, but I am not very helpful at fixing up her life like her friend. That hurt alot, when she needed me the most I was giving it my all to make sure she is allright, but her comments were so blunt I felt so painful, especially because my best effort wasn't good enough for her. But you brought up a good point, and I don't think I am perfect, and perhaps depressed at times too. I am a very sensitive person, but on the other hand, she is much less sensitive, and sometimes blunt even. So now I think: what problems would still exist if we are both happier? By this I meant: there are characteristics of people that are associated with their personality, whereas there are also charactersitics of people that are affected by their current state. It's hard to know where to draw the line here, there is alot of inconsistency in her actions, and that is why I find it especially challenging to make the correct decision, because I don't want to seem as though I am fooling around and manipulating her mind.. I have no such intentions. Right now I could think of several options: 1) taking a break from her until I decide what to do, 2) tell her I just want to be a friend, 3) put everything behind me and leave.
Mary3 Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 You have a manipulative girl/friend ( whichever she is ) who used suicide as CONTROL as in controlling YOU. ( One of many things she does ). You cannot be FORCED to look as pathetic as all this is getting... You are a PARTICPANT to her sickness. My advice is to turn her over to someone and tell her you cannot help her and will not help her any further as you are moving on with yor life. If you STAY you are co depedant on her * needing * you. Needing to abuse you as she has done so far. Please get the strength to stop visiting her , taking her calls and suicide threat calls. If she is going to kill herself she will eventually succeed. She is making you feel guilt in the Pity Pot. Please have enough respect for yourself to GET OUT .
newbby Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I understand that my happiness should not be dependent on hers, but I think this unhappiness for me and her is perpetual.. a cycle that wont stop until someone breaks the chain. so why arent you breaking it? My hapiness, nonetheless, is correlated with her actions towards me. When she had suicidal thoughts and took a bottle of aspirin, I put all my priorities aside and stayed with her for 2 days to take care of her. I wouldn't have it any other way, because I can't just sit there and think that she'll be ok, and helped as much as I could for 2 days. what happened when she took the aspirin, did she get her stomach pumped etc? Last night on the phone though, she told me that her best friend really cares about her and is extremely helpful. I didn't mind.. until she told me that she knows I care too and have good intentions, but I am not very helpful at fixing up her life like her friend. this is understandable, when you try and help her, you are dependent on her being helped by you. whether you delude yourself that it is purely altruistic or not. i am not saying this as a criticism, but since your feelings are involved and you "want" her to be happy, thats quite alot of pressure you are putting out, without even realising it.That hurt alot, when she needed me the most I was giving it my all to make sure she is allright, but her comments were so blunt I felt so painful, especially because my best effort wasn't good enough for her. which only further shows that this is not altruistic. therefore you are DEPENDENT on her.So now I think: what problems would still exist if we are both happier? this is an imaginary situation, not the reality at all. its a good goal to aim for, but you can only make yourself happy, not her. if your happiness is deendent on her happiness, neither of you will be happy. By this I meant: there are characteristics of people that are associated with their personality, whereas there are also charactersitics of people that are affected by their current state. it doesnt really matter. unless you are analysing yourself, in which case you can work on self improvement. there is no point in you analysing her, because you cant change her, only she can do that. therefore you can only deal with her and the situation as she already is. It's hard to know where to draw the line here, there is alot of inconsistency in her actions, and that is why I find it especially challenging to make the correct decision, because I don't want to seem as though I am fooling around and manipulating her mind.. I have no such intentions. never make decisions based on how you think somebody else will percieve them. for one, that kind of decision doesnt come from a true place, and for another, it is impossible to know how they will percieve them. Right now I could think of several options: 1) taking a break from her until I decide what to do, 2) tell her I just want to be a friend, 3) put everything behind me and leave. taking the situation exactly as it is NOW: are you happy in this relationship?
Mary3 Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 Never depend on someone else to make you happy. Happiness is a state of mind ,a feeling which comes from within. Its not her job to make you happy. Its not your duty to make her happy. Once you feel its forced upon you the relationship is doomed. Show her you care by contacting NAMI : National Alliance of the Mentally Ill. They can find a doctor to help treat her depression and mood swings. You could call the Police the next time she threatens suicide, that way her care and control are taken over by the officials and the state as a threat to herself and she would be committed to a hospital where she would receive immediate and long term help. Please take immediate action.
hyakku Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I understand that my happiness should not be dependent on hers, but I think this unhappiness for me and her is perpetual.. a cycle that wont stop until someone breaks the chain. My hapiness, nonetheless, is correlated with her actions towards me. When she had suicidal thoughts and took a bottle of aspirin, I put all my priorities aside and stayed with her for 2 days to take care of her. I wouldn't have it any other way, because I can't just sit there and think that she'll be ok, and helped as much as I could for 2 days. Last night on the phone though, she told me that her best friend really cares about her and is extremely helpful. I didn't mind.. until she told me that she knows I care too and have good intentions, but I am not very helpful at fixing up her life like her friend. That hurt alot, when she needed me the most I was giving it my all to make sure she is allright, but her comments were so blunt I felt so painful, especially because my best effort wasn't good enough for her. But you brought up a good point, and I don't think I am perfect, and perhaps depressed at times too. I am a very sensitive person, but on the other hand, she is much less sensitive, and sometimes blunt even. So now I think: what problems would still exist if we are both happier? By this I meant: there are characteristics of people that are associated with their personality, whereas there are also charactersitics of people that are affected by their current state. It's hard to know where to draw the line here, there is alot of inconsistency in her actions, and that is why I find it especially challenging to make the correct decision, because I don't want to seem as though I am fooling around and manipulating her mind.. I have no such intentions. Right now I could think of several options: 1) taking a break from her until I decide what to do, 2) tell her I just want to be a friend, 3) put everything behind me and leave. That's it I'm not being nice anymore, everyone else needs to stop too. The only thing you are getting from this forum right now is a ****ing pick-me-up. Stop being such a loser, END IT. What the hell is wrong with you? You need to stop thinking, "Well what happens if she does this or this." STOP CARING. She obviously doesn't care about you, I honestly would be more surprised if she HASN'T cheated on you. Her friend will stop her from committing suicide, you need to leave. Not be a friend. LEAVE. LEAVE and DO NOT look back. Second thing you need to do is go through a ton of self help. You need it, I'm not gonna ****in sugarcoat it, you really need some damn help yourself. Not only are you suffering from low self esteem, but this crazy girl is making you insane. Invest in a few books and materials: David DeAngelo: Mastery. Sure you can get the book, but you need to get your ****in life handled, and he's got some incredible guest speakers in there (especially the women) that will really get you thinking straight again, of course he's good too. http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/index.php Get that. Next you need some serious self improvement help, These two can help but I'm sure there are even more. Luckily you shouldn't be in too bad of shape right now, but really PLEASE get those, ANYWAY you need too. If you don't want to buy it, download it. You absolutely NEED this, theres no questions, you need help. And again, STOP BEING SUCH A WUSSY AND ****ING BREAK UP ALREADY. ITS NOT DOING HER OR YOU ANY GOOD. IF YOU COME BACK ON HERE ONE MORE TIME BITCHING AND WHINING ABOUT HER TREATING YOU BAD, YOU ****ING DESERVE IT. Sorry man, I had to do it for you, you needed it. Again get the **** moving and do it.
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