ICS Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 One day a few years ago, I saw the most beautiful girl... Of course, I couldn't take my eyes off her, and despite everything, I got the opportunity to talk to her. A couple of months later we started going out, I felt so extremely happy- but the relationship was not without its own complications. In the begining, her parents gave her a lot of grief because they were Jewish and almost literally hated me because I was not like them. By the way, they have never met me or talked to me, but either way they just hate me for who I am. My girlfriend at the time was very fair to me, because even though she did not develop very strong feelings for me yet, she continued to be with me despite her parents. However, from time to time she would be very emotionally unstable when we get together, due to her parents giving her more and more grief for being with me- or so I thought. The story is actually alot more complicated from that, and only almost 4 years later do I begin to realize it. Over the summer she began taking anti-depressants because 3 psychiatrist diagnosed her as being depressed. She saw her psychiatrist regularly and for the first time since I have known her, I really began seeing a clear future for us, as the relationship was no longer filled with arguments, and she told me the same too. Half way through the summer (about 2 month s after she began her medication), her best friend had a chat with her about anti-depressants and how they might affect her when it comes time to stop taking them. She began to feel very scared and almost immediately stopped. Not to exagerate, but ever since then, our relationship was once again filled with arguments, and she once again became emotionally unstable from time to time. For instance, she might ask to see me, but then ask me to drive her home after only 10 mins of being with her. Hanging up or being silent on the phone after calling me up is not unusual too. A few months past, and it just continued to worsen. In fact, she told me that she could not stand her psychiatrist "interogating" her and eventually just walked out on him and never saw him (or any other psychiatrist) again. Lately she has moved out of her parents house and began living with her best friend (ever since october). She had always told me that her parents were always the ones to make her life so miserable, and that moving out has made her so much happier-or so she thought. Earlier this month I went to see her one day, and we were prepared to spend the night watching a movie together. The night turned out a disaster. To make a long story short, when I arrived at her house, she told me she could not find her keys, so she could not go out-after 20 minutes of waiting for her downstairs. When I offered my help, she refused it and asked me to leave. I had nothing to say, I felt used and foolish- even stupid. That night she called me up telling me how sorry she was for treating me so badly, and how she does not know why she could be like that sometimes. She said she was very mad at herself for hurting me, and told me that she still feels miserable sometimes even though she no longer lives with her parents. I guess I should also mention that this is her 3rd year out of high school and after going to university for one year, she dropped out from failing courses because she was so depressed. She tells me that she wants to go back to university soon but has yet to do much despite her circumstances. To make matters worse, she also quit her part time job because she "could not tolerate" the people at work and basically walked out. Her parents are foster parents and aside for paying for her rent, they no longer support her living expenses. So what we have here is a girl who has no income, no motivation/confidence in herself, and little happiness. But I could safely say that the girl really does love me, and right now I am only concerned about helping her-for the most part. She is fully aware of how she could mistreat me alot of the time, and how that can hurt me, but she also told me that she could not change enough about herself to make me happier- which I fully understand, because that is the same way she lives her life.. without planning and without goals. Last night she even told me that she knows how destructive her behaviour is to my life, and that she doesnt want to hurt me, but cannot change herself enough to make a difference right now. I never though I would hear what she said next: "I really love you, but I can't stand myself for destroying your life and hurting you. You really shoulnd't be dating me" She meant her words sincerely, but I would never thought of hearing the very person I love tell me such things. I love her and want to help her, but I know it is just silly because she could barely open up her feelings to me most of the time, and most of all, her life is in pieces. Relationship-wise, if she does not have her eccentric behaviour, she would really be the perfect girl for me. All this sadness is really cutting into my life. Please offer your comments, Thanks
Neptune Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Not in a comment mood but gotta say one thing. I know a man who endured probably 25 years of a mentally ill woman. This was confided to me by someone who has the ability to make others open up and talk to them . He said that he married her because he thought he could help her. This woman put him through hell and cost him over a million dollars.
hyakku Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I'm sorry man and I know you don't wanna hear this but... Drop her. She is not making any effort to make it work, she doesn't have a job, doesn't wanna have a future anywhere it seems, stopped taking her medicine, stopped getting helped, treats you like $hit. What else can you do? If you don't wanna end it then maybe just take like a one month break suggest to her so that you can both clear your mind. But really man, all this grief for a woman who isn't even trying?
kitten chick Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 IMO, get her back on the medication and stick it out.
Author ICS Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 IMO, get her back on the medication and stick it out. I have tried in the past, but I still could not talk to her about such sensitive things- she felt offended the last time because she thought i was labelling her as insane.. she is very stubborn. What could I possibly do?
hyakku Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 There's nothing man. I know it seems hard but there are billions of other women out there that could work out for you better. Why ruin yourself and go through all the stress over one who doesn't even try?
slubberdegullion Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I have tried in the past, but I still could not talk to her about such sensitive things- she felt offended the last time because she thought i was labelling her as insane.. she is very stubborn. What could I possibly do? There is absolutely nothing you can do. When I suggested (gently) that my ex look at considering counselling, her immediate response was visceral and nearly violent: "There's NOTHING WRONG with ME! Stop trying to CHANGE ME!!" etc etc Now she's my ex. Thank gawd.
Author ICS Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 I have some news.. Had a chat with her tonight and she told me that she had gotten herself a self help book during the day. I was rather surprised, but of course, it still doesnt restore my faith in the relationship, but perhaps it'll help me sleep better tonight. I need some insight on this:o
Mary3 Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 She sounds Manic Depressive . She needs medication/therapy I once started going out with a guy ( I quickly put him in the friendzone because of his behavior... ) and he would call me up and ask me out to movie or whatever and then 10 minutes later after arriving he would be sulking and not want to go. This happened more than 2 times. I put up with this for awhile because I honestly did not know what was wrong with him and then Boing ! Anyway it all came together and it was like a light bulb flashing and your gf sounds very similar to my x male friend . I am not trying to diagnose but man they sure sound similar.
noclobber Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 she is Jewish!! enough said!!! the girl i had a crush on said that she wouldn't get serious with me 'cos she will marry only a Jew (i am from India and i am a Hindu). i was flabbergasted when i heard that... for a moment i felt as though i was in a small village in India.. anyway i have made it a point not to get close with Jews. they are way too conservative! 1
Touche Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 The title of your thread says everything you need to know. Having a girlfriend can be so sad and lonely? Yes, if you have the WRONG girlfriend. If you have the RIGHT girlfriend it is happy and fulfilling. So the problem is with YOUR girlfriend in particular. I mean if having a girlfriend in general was a sad and lonely thing, no one would have one right? Wish her luck in finding herself and be open to finding the right girl for you. One who doesn't need so much "fixing." I wish you the best.
hyakku Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 she is Jewish!! enough said!!! the girl i had a crush on said that she wouldn't get serious with me 'cos she will marry only a Jew (i am from India and i am a Hindu). i was flabbergasted when i heard that... for a moment i felt as though i was in a small village in India.. anyway i have made it a point not to get close with Jews. they are way too conservative! Thats way to damn over generalizing. So what you got hurt by ONE girl, that doesn't make an entire race that way. Grow up.
UnderWorld Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 SHe sounds like me....she basially doesnt love herself and so she cant love u the way she wants to...I finished college but i am picky and i cant find a good job. i waitress...part time...i still live at home.
UnderWorld Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 SHe sounds like me....she basially doesnt love herself and so she cant love u the way she wants to...I finished a trade college but i am picky and i cant find a good job. i waitress...part time...i still live at home. I even hang up on my bf and im really silent and i cant open up to him its weird....my mom is bipolar..and can tell i have her traits. I dont like living at home! i live w/ my sis shes prego and her other kid and my dying dad!
noclobber Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Hyakku is right. Shame on you noclobber! Excuse me.. but what's wrong in being careful the next time around? Shame on me only if I do the same mistake again by going after the same type of girl.. Go figure!
noclobber Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Thats way to damn over generalizing. So what you got hurt by ONE girl, that doesn't make an entire race that way. Grow up. I may have got hurt by ONE girl but that led me to do some research on the internet... and what I found and learnt paved the way to make the decision that i chose to! In any case, who I choose to date is my own goddamn business!!
Walk Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I know everyone says just dump her, leave, etc. It's doesn't sound like something you want to do. Although I believe you should. You can't fix her problems, you can't force her, you can't do anything, and that's probably the hardest part. The wanting to help her be the best she can be because you see it in her, but knowing you are powerless. And although she loves you and needs you, sometimes you aren't the best thing for her. Sometimes the ones who love us the most just enables us to continue believing we are ok just the way we are. We never crash enough to learn that we need to take care of ourselves, seek help, find the strength inside. We cling to the other person because we don't feel strong enough, and instead of pulling ourselves up, we pull them down to our level. Her parents give her money to survive, but they aren't helping her either. She doesn't have to work, she knows others will take care of her. She knows you'll be there no matter how mean she is. Even if she does feel bad about it later, she doesn't have to consider the repercussions while in the moment, because all she needs to do is call you later and tell you she's sorry. You'll forgive her. You'll always be there for her. You'll always love her. And she doesn't need to change. She will drag you to the deepest levels of hell if you allow it. If you stay with her, then realize it will never change. Ever. She will not be the person you want. She is who she is right now, and although there will be moments of happiness, they'll be outweighted by the hurt inflicted. It'll slowly build to animosity, frustration, anger. You'll have times you want to scream at her and pound it in her head that she's crazy. You'll want to shake her til she understands how sick she is. It will drive you crazy. You'll start questioning yourself, your thoughts, your feelings. This is how it will be as long as you know her. She may get another job, she may take another class, but nothing will change for long. It will always revert back to this cycle of manic depression, cruel words, fights, anger, hurt. A moment of light, and then the long dark night of her moods. You are absolutely powerless to help her. If you stay with her, find an anchor.. either a family member or good friend. Someone stable and dependable. Otherwise you'll go insane too.
Sevenmack Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Things aren't going to work out. She's got issues that will take far more time and energy for her to fix than you have time and energy to handle. Besides if she really wanted to make the relationship work, she would have dealt with her issues a long time ago. Sometimes it's difficult to dump a woman. This may not even be the conversation you want to have with her. But at this point, there is little in the relationship from which you can salvage. And if you want better for your life, you must decide that you deserve better. Stay with her and you'll continue to get nothing but the same crap over and over again because you have shown her that you'll stay around no matter what. You should have let her know that either she's got to shape up or you leave. At this point, you're just better off moving on.
kitten chick Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I have tried in the past, but I still could not talk to her about such sensitive things- she felt offended the last time because she thought i was labelling her as insane.. she is very stubborn. What could I possibly do? You can't help someone unless they want to be helped. Usually it takes hitting rock bottom to get to that point of accepting your problems and wanting the help that you need. If you really want to stick with her and help her then don't bring her behavioral problems up as something that is solely her issue. Don't "blame" her. Talk to her about how some things that she says or does hurt you, you know she isn't happy, and the relationship is suffering. Let her know that you want her to stay with her and make your relationship better. Play down the notion that going to therapy means you're "insane". Lots of people are in therapy and even on medication these days. Probably lots of people you wouldn't even expect. Encourage her to go and to keep trying to find a therapist that works for her. Seeking out therapy doesn't mean you're insane, it means you're unhappy. Keep in mind she is also young and hasn't completely figured out who she is yet. It takes a great deal of maturity to admit to yourself that you have a problem and you need to seek help. Also keep in mind that this might just be who she is and she may never change even with therapy. It sounds like she has some issues with depression, which can be helped with medication and/or therapy, and she has some growing up to do. I applaud you for sticking with her through the tough times. I find it disconcerting how many people are willing to give up on those that they love when the good times fade for a while. Once it starts changing who YOU are though, then it's time to leave. You might want to do a search online for resources on how to help someone close to you with depression.
Author ICS Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 I spent the day with her yesterday, and to be honest, it was pretty intense. It was raining and the weather was dismal, but she flipped out at me because I wouldn't take her out of town (about 2 hours away). I explained to her that I was sick with a fever and didn't want to spend the day outdoors, but she became difficult and then finally ignored me. We sat in the car for half an hour before I drove her home. It was horrible, she nearly went out of control again because she said she could not stay in her house, and when I wanted to know more about how she felt, she told me I was drilling her with annoying questions-that she would soon flip out at me if I continue to ask questions. Even though the rest of the day was looking a little better, I felt like I was starting to go insane too because of her behaviour. In the past, I want so badly to be in a relationship with her. But now I don't have too much to hope for- I only want her to put her life together and be free of her emotional instability. Sadly, I agree with you guys- I don't think I could do much for her when I am still with her, as Walk pointed out (that was probably one of the best reflections on my current situation). If ending a relationship was only as easy as closing a book. A part of me tells me that if I continue to be with her, nothing will change for the better, yet the other part of me tells me that it would be cruel to leave her when she is (slowly) trying to change-or maybe it is just my imagination.. Today we talked and she has been happy and pointed out and shared with me details in her self-help book that she thought were interesting. Is the best yet to come? or is she in another wave of happiness and depression once again? I don't know what to tell myself, but I think that sometimes she can really give me a jolt to mess up my mental state.
hyakku Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 END IT NOW. That's it stop thinking about it. There are millions of other women out there. If you have to CALL her and end it, don't take being tossed around like some type of rag doll. If you wanna live in insanity and chaos, go ahead and stick with it, your choice. I may have got hurt by ONE girl but that led me to do some research on the internet... and what I found and learnt paved the way to make the decision that i chose to! In any case, who I choose to date is my own goddamn business!! Do some research on the internet? And your research said never to be with jewish women or get close to jewish people because they only like other jewish people? Ok, well I think I should stop having conversations with you, if this is what you gathered you may have just been on the KuKluxKlan's website.
noclobber Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Do some research on the internet? And your research said never to be with jewish women or get close to jewish people because they only like other jewish people? Ok, well I think I should stop having conversations with you, if this is what you gathered you may have just been on the KuKluxKlan's website. hyakku, i don't understand why you are making this personal. i had an experience, then i try to find more information about it, talk with people, do some research on the net, gather more info, and then make a decision not to commit the same mistake again. what do you see wrong in this? okay, so if i went after another Jewish girl and she also ends up saying the same thing and if i write it on this forum what do you think the members would say? won't they say "didn't you learn it the first time?". i am just being careful with my life as i have been hurt very badly. i dunno what else to say... i don't mean to offend anyone.. thanks
Author ICS Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Things are much worse than I thought. For a few days now we have been getting along; that is- until last night. We were having a good time in the beginning, and she was opening up to me and treating me normally finally. I felt that the real relationship is just starting to unfold, as if she woke up from her depression and sweeped aside her mood swings. She had gotten into a fight with her roomate yesterday and wanted us to go out for a drive. I agreed and took her out, but then absolutely had to stop for dinner because I was so preoccupied with her that I had nothing to eat the whole night, and it was midnight. I stopped by at the nearest place that was still open, and bought myself quickly a slice of pizza. After all, I just didnt want to go out on an empty stomach. The whole time I was having pizza she was sitting there and began to act very annoyed and irritated with me. It didn't help when I questioned her out of concern. She rushed me to finish my food but I could only go so fast. I felt uncomfortable and helpless at the realization that our happiness was not going to last. She left me and went outside for a walk in the pouring rain. When she came back in a few minutes, I was still trying to finish my food and she once again rushed me. I couldn't help but ask her a second time what was wrong. All she said was how she didn't want to be there- I asked her to explain but she got even more irritated at me. At that point I was extremely sad that she is turning back to that same girl who drove me to hell and back. I thought to myself that this was it- that nothing could be done any longer. In fact, there was so much anger in me that I could no longer forgive her. I went speeding in my car and got back to my home.. very angry still. She picked up her stuff and took the bus home. Meanwhile, I said nothing to her. I knew that I would not want to talk to her again. After she left, in came the phone calls, but I could no longer bring myself to talk to her. She finally text messaged me and said how she felt like wanting to kill herself (again). As much as I was upset, I couldn't take any chances and called her back.. she was out of control and began smashing plates.. and then leaving the phone and crying in a distance. I felt like I was in hell, but I could not leave her to be alone.. I went to her house right away and saw that everything was trashed.. that she took pills at random. She was really starting to scare me alot. She told me she got irritated at me over a mood swing, and that if I gave her time, it would have past. I really don't know if I can take her word for it. I can't leave her right now, this same scenario will repeat itself again, and next time she might really kill herself, and I am starting to go insane with her too.
Touche Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 hyakku, i don't understand why you are making this personal. i had an experience, then i try to find more information about it, talk with people, do some research on the net, gather more info, and then make a decision not to commit the same mistake again. what do you see wrong in this? okay, so if i went after another Jewish girl and she also ends up saying the same thing and if i write it on this forum what do you think the members would say? won't they say "didn't you learn it the first time?". i am just being careful with my life as i have been hurt very badly. i dunno what else to say... i don't mean to offend anyone.. thanks Well you did. Should a person who has been hurt by a Christian person never date Christians again? What a stupid view to hold! Stupid and ignorant. Jewish girls would be better off without YOU, that's for sure.
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