pfeif216 Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Well first of all i want to tell u that im gay guy in his 20's(hope ur still willing to give some advice)...my ex was in his thirties and we broke up around last june, it was my first "real" relationship considering the others were women and he told me that he didnt have as intense feelings as he did in the beginning and he didnt want to have to do this months down the road....so this summer i was OK, then in late August i saw him out and he was drinkin and told me he loved me, missed me and thought he made a mistake so i was thinking ok he wants to give this another shot so we talked and he said he wanted to start seein me but we had to take it slow and be honest w/ each other but also wanted NO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT AT THAT POINT.... so i said i couldnt hang out with him to see how he felt so we just stopped talking.....he texted me on xmas and nye..i replied on xmas....my friends see him out and i think he is dating someone else....i was A MESS the past couple of months...lost weight, thought about him constantly but i have to say i am a lot better now....today i was walking thru his part of the city and all the anxiety & nautiousness came back and im looking to move back to city and dont want to live in his neighborhood...i just hate that im changing my life b/c of someone else....oh yeah we only dated for 4 mos...but it was really intense, i know it sounds so short but it was real and intense i dont know what im lookin for...just to move on and realize how amazing i am...i mean im always getting hit on by both men & women but this breakup was such a kill to my ego...I JUST WANT THIS TO BE OUT OF MY FREAKIN HEAD
riobikini Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Dear pfeif216, The beginning is usually very intense in any relationship where there is phenomenal physical and emotional attraction, -some may even describe a feeling of spiritual connectivity- but it is important to remember to stop at some point and really give the whole relationship an evaluation. In the heat and passion of new relationships, tho, that is often not the case until you crash into the big bump in the middle of the road, or dissappear into the enormous pot-hole you didn't see ahead. I am assuming from your post, that this partner knew this was your first gay relationship, and that makes me very suspicious as to his ideas about where he was taking the relationship, in the first place, sensing the speed at which it moved. He should have been more responsible to the acute 'newness' of the entire relationship for you, if it had been his intention to carry on with a relationship that had serious potential. He, obviously, in my opinion, took advantage of you by not taking it upon himself to discipline his emotions and responsibly guide the relationship as the more mature and experienced individual, and choose to take things much slower. Since he was the one with more experience, -he knew better than you- he had more knowledge about, not only relationships, in general, -but specifically, with the, sometimes, uniquely intense and fragile emotions found in many gay relationships. He is not entirely the whipping boy, tho, -as a matter of fact, none of this is about blaming anyone, -it is, however, all about healing your emotions and getting you past these feelings that are causing you so much pain right now. Love is a wonderful thing until it costs you something you weren't willing to lay on the table. In your case, it was your self-esteem and confidence, -both terrible things to have trampled, beaten up, or damaged in some way. Right now, you are not only hurt, you feel mislead, too, -anyone would, -but, unless you truly think this person has genuine love for you and you could really make something worthwhile out of the relationship, I encourage you to establish a plan of No Contact, and stick with it. He'll continue to use your own feelings against you and keep you stringing along, if you allow it. Because your confidence has suffered such massive damage, now is the time to be the best to yourself that you have ever been: pamper yourself. Pamper yourself with little luxuries that you can afford: a relaxing day spa, a shopping trip at your favorite store, some new upbeat music, or a week-end trip to someplace you really enjoy. Apply the balm of healing to yourself immediately and show yourself some love. Secondly, surround yourself with supportive people you can talk to, -people who will not necessarily try to give you advice as much as those who will just patiently listen with sincere caring and understanding. Thirdly, start eating...please. You cannot heal a broken heart and deal with all the stress without food for the energy you will need in coping with it, -again, -please feed yourself. Lastly, get busy: do something physically active that really gives you a cardio-workout, like running, biking, basketball, etc. Do something that drains you and exhausts you, but leaves you feeling exhilarated, and successful at something. Feeling successful at it is the key, so don't choose anything that overly challenges you which may introduce failure, -you don't need to experience that feeling again, right now, and besides, although the relationship may make you feel rejected -you did not fail at anything, and you are certainly not lesser-than in any way. I hope I have helped you some, -it is not important to me what your lifestyle is, -I only care about the condition of your heart. Broken hearts are no different no matter who they are inside of, and losing in love hurts no less. Post as often as you need to, -I will answer. And, listen, -find a nice deli- and load up on stuff for subs the size of Gibraltar, -your gonna need it! (Smile) And by the way, - here's what you were really asking for in your thread title: A big hug:> That should make you feel just a tad better. (Smile) Take care. Sincerely, -Rio
Author pfeif216 Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 Thanks for the response and I started eating & goin to the gym a couple of mos. ago(THANK GOD)!!! It's almost as though when I really think about it I don't nec. want to date him again but I am always thinking about him and when I hear his name I get that nautious feeling. I think I told him "I loved him" first and to tell u the truth Im not sure if I know what "true love" is.....the reason I know think it was my first love was b/c of what it did to me these past couple of mos. I know that he really cared for me & still misses me & I think the reason I hope to run into him or sometimes plan ways to see him(which i NEVER act on) is b/c Im thinking(hoping) that when he sees me he is going to realize how he f'ed up by letting me go I also hate how much emphasis I am putting on my looks b/c of this...he is REALLY good looking and people always tell me this and I know that i am(trust me im not cocky) but b/c he dumped me i think did he lose his attraction to me??? I don't know after writing all this it sort of sounds ridiculous but its in my head so it is real....
riobikini Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Dear pfeif216, Unless you appeared drastically physically different at the time of your break-up, I doubt it had anything to do with your looks. And if not, -if he found you atractive then, he certainly finds you attractive, now, -as I'm sure, so do others, as well. So don't give that another thought. I am glad to hear that you are eating now, -and working out. Let this heal, pfeif216, -you are much too young to grow old with worry. The reality of love is that it comes and goes throughout our lifetime, -and each time we experience it, it changes us in some way, -some good, some 'bad'- all according to how we deal with it's presence and it's loss. But there is no substitute for it, no matter what it does to us. (Smile) -Rio P.S. A Link for you: Break-up: Getting T-H-R-O-U-G-H I-T!!! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=666271&postcount=1
Recommended Posts