JohnM Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Hullo, I've just started University in the UK and before which i was a quiet guy who stayed at home most of the time and didn't go out socializing. I decided i needed to break out of this and felt the best way was to move out into halls for University. By doing this i ended up meeting a great group of friends but am constantly trying to break down my fears. I've never been good at meeting new people and find I have to meet them and talk for a while before letting them know the real me. Only problem is the girls now as I seem to crumble when talking to a girl in the group that I like. She's a very good looking girl but I find it hard to talk to her. I'm not experienced in this area and just don't know how to go about it. I've browsed around the web looking at articles unable to find the help that i need. I simply cannot pluck up the courage to spark up a proper conversation with her and at times I can't even keep Eye contact. Any advice would be appreciated Thanks in advance John
lindya Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I'm not experienced in this area and just don't know how to go about it. I've browsed around the web looking at articles unable to find the help that i need. I simply cannot pluck up the courage to spark up a proper conversation with her and at times I can't even keep Eye contact. Any advice would be appreciated Thanks in advance John Hi John I think articles can give you tips on physical relaxation techniques...but really, the only way you're going to get past this block is to keep doing the thing that makes you afraid. I used to have a public speaking phobia...to the extent that if I had to speak at a university tutorial, I would be physically sick beforehand. It seems mad to me now, but that's the way it was at the time. I had to get over it, because in the job I'm in now I often have to speak in a public and very formalised setting. One thing that helps me, and which might help you in your situation: If, at the moment, you're telling yourself "Don't be nervous, don't blush, don't stammer" etc...stop. All that does is give you a negative message (ie not to do something. It also puts the negative word in your head (eg blush, stammer, etc). You need to give yourself a positive message...eg "be happy, confident, relaxed and friendly." If you think that's trite advice, experiment with it in a sporting setting. Play a game of tennis with someone, and for the first 30 minutes keep telling yourself "Don't miss the ball" "Don't hit it to that side of the court" "Don't hit it into the net." For the 30 minutes following that, replace the "don't" messages with "do" messages...eg "hit the ball right at his feet" "hit the ball on that side of the court". You'll almost certainly notice an improvement in the way you play during the second half (if you play tennis, that is...if not, try practising this out in a different sport). That gives you the opportunity to see immediate effects from, and quantify the value of, the thinking styles you use in situations that make you feel nervous or lacking in confidence. 1
alphamale Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Only problem is the girls now as I seem to crumble when talking to a girl in the group that I like. She's a very good looking girl but I find it hard to talk to her. I'm not experienced in this area and just don't know how to go about it. I've browsed around the web looking at articles unable to find the help that i need. most young people are shy with the opposite sex. after all they have not had much time to get experience. you'll get better with time and experience but you must do it in real life and not read it from some book or website. Pretty much what LINDYA said.
Author JohnM Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 Well, i've started breaking down some fears such as talking in groups and even dancing (not helped by the fact I don't drink >.<). The idea of replacing negatives with positive messages has been taken onboard so thanks for the suggestion. I don't tend to stammer or blush but I simply find it hard to think of what to do when it comes to conversing.
Author JohnM Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Anyone have any good conversation topics that they find create a long convo? Any I use tend to have short possible answers to them.
Author JohnM Posted February 6, 2006 Author Posted February 6, 2006 With valentines coming up would an anonymous delivery of flowers with a slight clue towards me be rather silly?
a4a Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 With valentines coming up would an anonymous delivery of flowers with a slight clue towards me be rather silly? Why a slight clue... why not make sure she knows it is you? Are you afraid she will reject you? Nothing ventured nothing gained. Go for it! a4a- I get spanked for comparing apples to oranges, by crossing the speicies line. 1
Author JohnM Posted February 7, 2006 Author Posted February 7, 2006 Feels like a wake up slap lol. Don't know why i'd code who its from. Maybe because she has a long distance BF she sees every month or so but i'm not sure if its still ongoing. Safety net incase he's there on valentines day if only she'd know its from me. Suppose i'm also slightly afraid of making such an over blown romantic gesture only for me to look like a right twat and then having to hang around her every time i go out with this group of friends...
a4a Posted February 7, 2006 Posted February 7, 2006 Well get a non conformist arrangement..... skip the roses (over done anyway) get a fun bouquet, not too cheap not too expensive, some odd flowers, and simple " I was thinking of you today, signed me" You have an easy out that way. But you also have a easy in.
Author JohnM Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 *Has just seen the prices of these flowers!* £25 at the cheapest, oh dear. Whats a student to do, lol.
a4a Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 *Has just seen the prices of these flowers!* £25 at the cheapest, oh dear. Whats a student to do, lol. Well you could pull a GP and make your own arrangement out of spinach and acorns You do not need to go to a florist. Or perhaps just add to a cheaper grocery store bouquet with a few out of the ordinary flowers from a florist and a very very nice ribbon. Deliever them yourself...... or have a buddy do it for you. I would think if you put your imagination to work you could come up with some very savvy solutions to this lil $ problem. a4a- a tater a day keeps divorce away
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