never thought i'd end up OW

[blondie2006]

This is the first time i've ever posted a 'thread' on any subject, it feels really odd about something so personal. I have only managed to tell two friends about this because other people can't find out.

 

Here goes....

 

im in my early twenties and i think i've fallen in love with my boss, it's such an awful cliche i know. its not a job i take very seriously (got it after uni to save some money for travelling before starting my actual career), therefore no feelings of pressure at work or anything like that. the others used to tease and say that he fancied me cos he used to come over and talk to me a lot, laughd it off but was slightly aware of something. then we went away on a trip together and had a reaaly good night out, ending up really drunk and eventually back in my room. next morning was beyond arkward! he had two or three weeks off holiday off after (booked beforehand) and exchanged a few texts, which were friendly then he told me he wanted to be with me again that he couldn't stop thinking about me etc.! i was a prat for letting it go any further. anaywa we have reglarly met up and had great times together. but it boils down to th fact that he is married with two young children (8,11). he is also a lot older than me- 41. there are so many things that would make this never work- we are like chalk and cheese, im open and expressive whereas he is introverted and can appear quite cold. but never the less whenhe does open up he is so amazing. this has been going on since september and last month he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, live together etc, as much as i feel totally swept up in love with him i don't want him to make rash descisions i don't want the children to be upset

 

i know he isn't happy in his marriage, but he loves his family life and is a devoted father. he's been brutally honest with me abut certain things like sleeping with a couple of women whilst being away on business. i asked him whether what we had was simply an extended tryst, but he maintains he's never fel like this before etc. i think i genuinly believe him.

 

i'm sorry this is so jumbled, i'm nt even sure i know what im asking, i just feel under a ot of pressure, if he does leave then instantly our relationship is put under intense pressure without following the normal cycle of 'courtship', he'l leave to be with me so ifeel like i have to be with him always. i know what we are doing is so wrong, i feel sick wth guilt whenever i think of it but im so drawn to him, he's so intelligent, strong and i believe he truly loves me.

 

next month i am leaving the country for a year, this will be the time for him to "sort his life out" as he puts it. i cant get my head around the disruption and upset this will cause for everyone concerned, and i think i would destroy him too, but ultimatly i adore him and i know he does me. i guess i just wanted to know what you guys thought, there are so many thing stacked against us that idon't know why i can't just call it a day.

 

sorry for repeating another version of the same old story

[Lishy]

Well in my opinion this is a lust thing!

 

The fact that you are going away for a year will stop this, and hopefully you will think twice before getting into a similar situation in the future!

 

Good luck hon!

[Presario]

he's been brutally honest with me abut certain things like sleeping with a couple of women whilst being away on business.

 

So you know you are not his first mistress. Are you a #3, #5 or #7 mistress? He looks like he knows what to tell you to fool you.

[SoleMate]

Arrgghhh. Not again.

 

He uses his words on you, and you believe him. You bend over backward to make him the all-powerful prince who gets to control your life while doing you harm. He feeds you scraps, and you treat him like God.

 

Lets' look at just one detail.

...if he does leave [his wife] then instantly our relationship is put under intense pressure without following the normal cycle of 'courtship', he'll leave to be with me so i feel like i have to be with him always...

 

What a load of baloney! You would "have to be with him"? Believe me, honey, if it suits him to drop you in the twinkling of an eye, possibly with a humiliating scene where he disparages you and makes you look like a schizophrenic whore in front of his wife and/or others, he'll do it without a pang. So why do you have to dance to his tune? I guess your self-respect is not very high. You don't appear to have anything inside you saying, "I deserve better than this."

 

BTW, the one and only one thing "stacked against you" is that you have put yourself under the mind control of a lying, cheating user. Thank God for the trip, and do me a favor and don't call the @$$ho!e while you're away. With luck, you'll grow to see him for what he is.

[incognito]

I pretty much agree w/ what's been posted so far lol

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi!

I want to tell you that I know how you must feel: your heart pounding, your skin prickling, and your stomach turning at the mere thought of him. I know that you are in love with him. But from your post, he sounds like a typical cheater who chases after young, idealistic girls. He already told you that you are not the first girl he's cheating with.

 

If you do get on with him, can you be sure that he won't cheat on YOU??? I can tell you that you will always doubt his loyalty to you considering what he is doing to his W right now!! Think hard and stay away from this man. He doesn't love you, becuase if he does --and I learned this from this forum-- then he'd never have touched you in that way. He would have been your friend who cares for your well being without getting his sexual gratification from you!!

 

Please read more from the OW/OM forum. You will learn that what you are experiencing is not unique and nothing wonderful at all. He is HURTING you without your knowledge. Go on this trip and don't ever contact him again. In fact, if you can help yourself, stop contacting him now. THen see how he's "hurting" (aka he'll be looking elsewhere and won't be your 'friend' any more, I can assure you.)

Good luck.

[blondie2006]

thanks for the replys

 

it's such a tough ne because i know that if anyone related this story to me i would say e exact same thing that he's an absolute scumbag, and to a certain extent he is, even he readily admits this! it's honestly not an issue o self worth either, i know i nor any woman deserves to be treated like this. the odd thing is normally im the one who can remain detached and almost cold with relationships, i seem to have done acomplete u turn, it's ridiculous!

 

in regards to his previous 'liasons' they weren't affairs per se, just a couple one night stands, think him trying to bolster his ego by sleeping with other women (and he and his wife don't have sex), hknows i think its pathetic and sordid and i genuinly think he's ashamed, i do believe he wants monogamy, just expects a lot from it!

 

i think this year will be a perfect opportunity or both of us. he really isn't happy, and i do have a limited amount of sympathy for him, he said if it wasn't for the children he would have left already, i understand that he doesn't want to break his childrens hearts. so if he is serious about 'sorting' his life out and we still feel the same about each other in a year then who knows, but if he is still married playing happy families then that will be the end of it.

 

ahh, this is so cathartic!thankyou so much for tsaking the time out to offer advice, and wise advicexxx

[blondie2006]

ps

 

sorry for the appaling number of typos, got a new laptop for christmas and you reall have to hammer the keys for them to work! intensely annoying!

[bab]

Blondie, here's the thing. You've worked him up to be something in your head that he couldn't possibly live up to. You've never had to do his laundry, nag him about taking out the trash, and all the other annoying things that come with "being together". Obviously thousands of people have great relationships while doing these things, that's not my point. My point is that since your relationship is still in the fantasy stage, even being away for a year might not change how you feel. He'll constantly living up to your standards (since he's not real, but a fantasy) and becoming more wonderful in your eyes. The best thing you can do, is not to talk to him at all during that year. But moreover, don't call him when you get back. If you find out from someone else that he has since divorced, then MAYBE you can call him. If he hasn't, avoid him at all costs, because you will have built him up in your head and it will be to easy to fall into his trap. I also think it's BS that he and his wife don't sleep together.

[whichwayisup]

i know he isn't happy in his marriage,

 

So he tells you...Hook line and sinker.

 

No doubt there's an attraction between you two, it happens everyday. The thing is please don't act on it anymore. He is NEVER going to leave his wife and children. EVER. Go read some threads in the OW/OM section and see what the OW have gone through. The pain.

 

Plus, have you thought about what you're doing to his family? His wife? His young children? He IS still sleeping with his wife. If he wasn't and the marriage was so awful, don't you think they'd be divorced by now? Open your eyes, and take a step back. This man isn't a friend to you, it's all sexual and fun.

 

Maybe also, read afew threads in this section about betrayed spouses, read about their pain as they find out about their cheating husband/wife... Maybe you'll think abit deeper instead of just jumping into this so fast. It isn't just about you and him. Or work. There are real people with real feelings, little eyes that he goes home to, bathes, reads to them. Remember that next time you feel the urge to sleep with this MM.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but I'm trying to get you see the whole picture here. HE will hurt you so bad. We all can see this now...Just hope you're willing to listen and read afew threads about other people's pain to see for yourself.

[mental_traveller]

(and he and his wife don't have sex)

 

And you know this how? Oldest line in the book...

[Guest243]

Thoughts:

 

1)That he's not getting it from his wife: oldest line in the book. Let me remove one letter, just to be clear-- oldest LIE in the book. A friend of mine has just conclusively caught her husband with the OW, and they (she and her husband) were having sex every day. I kind of doubt he was telling the OW that.

 

2)You already know he lies to his wife. ERGO-- he's a liar. What do liars do? They lie. When it's convenient, he will lie to you, too. Trust me, you are not so special that you've brought a saint to his knees. Nothing personal, it's just that none of us are that special.

 

3)Your own self-respect.

3a-- Why do you want to settle for the dregs of his time, attention, and life?

 

3b-- I can guarantee you others think less of you for this. How do I know? Because I'm in a male-dominated line of work, I get thought of as 'one of the guys,' and hear exactly what men say about the women they sleep with, when those women aren't around. Trust me-- you don't want those things said about you by men.

 

3c-- How else do I know this? Because there's a 'cute' young girl at my husband's work who is getting a little too friendly with him, and I know exactly what *I* think of her. My husband has told me she has a reputation for sleeping with married men. He doesn't want to believe that of a 'nice' girl, so what does that say HE thinks of a girl who *does* do that? What do the wives of the other men think of this 'cute' young girl? Do you think she'd like what the 4...5?...6? of us would have to say about her if we ever meet? Do you think you'd like those things said about you by the wife/wives?

 

3d-- Even if you believe the wife is so horrible she deserves this, I can also tell you other women have no respect for this 'cute' girl who's so popular with married men. Her name is the subject of gossip and rumors. I bet most of it is not being said to her face. I almost feel sorry for her, thinking how she thinks she's popular and desirable, and one day she'll find out what so many people really feel about her. It's pretty sad.

 

4) The man's children: Imagine how you would feel about a woman who slept with your father, hurt your mother, and tore your family apart. Do you want those children feeling like this about about you?

 

5) Your own future: you are shutting yourself off from real possibilities. EVEN IF you end up having a future (ie: marriage) with this guy, you KNOW firsthand that he's a philanderer and a liar, and you will spend your life with that niggling suspicion. Chances are, it won't remain suspicions forever, because liars lie and cheaters cheat. He'll most likely do it to you, too, because once again, you're not that special that you've reformed him. None of us are that special.

 

6) While I've noticed among the OW set the tendency to assure wives they shouldn't blame the OW, since SHE didn't make any vows-- hey, you know the guy's married. You know what you're doing. She most likely has her suspicions. Maybe he'd be doing it with someone else if not you, but then at least YOU would not be the one responsible for causing such pain and devastation. I could tell you firsthand what a very minor 'emotional affair' has done to me, but there is story after story right here on this board. Read them and decide if you really want to be the person helping cause that pain to another human being. It's devastating.

 

7) Whatever he tells you about his wife-- remember you're hearing ONLY his side of the story. Even if he thinks he's telling the truth, it's his perception, and possibly flawed. I know firsthand, because my husband does this to me and I can guarantee the people he knows wouldn't recognize me, with the perceptions he's now given them of who I am.

[newbby]

great post guest