caring guy Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Hi When during a fast fling & prospective relationship like i had, with a girl from Estonia, that was passionate, intimate & we felt like we had so much in common & felt we had known each other for ages, even though only 4 days & i'd even booked to go to her country for a short trip with her, i just got my tickjet as she'd got hers already. Then, she decided just friends, i was hurt, as i had my hopes up & we said we were actualy dating priior to this, but accepted it as i thought nature & time may change her mind! We continued to see each other as friends, but she held my hand, we hugged & occasional kisses, what was i to think, very confusing!! I knew she was having second thoughts about asking me on the trip & the fact that it was so fast at the start, but it was mutual, i wasn't doing all the running. I knew now that i'd be only going as i'd payed for the trip, not because she wanted me to go, the circumstances were different when i booked! So i didn't go as it would have been false & uncomfortable. I've heard nothing since & she doesn't reply to may messages or mails, i need to know whats up & why we can't just be cool. We get on so well, she's alone here in England & i was there for her & showed care. I know she goes away in Feb to work, maybe its that, like a stay of execution, that it was better to quit now rather than to make seperation harder!, but was it me or because of her going. She knew i was upset about her going, she knew i felt strongly for her, but when i confronted her with the reasons i'd be going & it wasn't because she wanted me to, she said she felt guilty for leading me on & she'd made a mistake. I'm ok now, but i don''t know the reason that will help me get over this & i can't make her answer me. Was it something i did, or that she feels bad about what she did to lead me on! I dunno. Any advice on how to cope with not knowing! regards cg
In Sync Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 yes, I recall when you first wrote about this girl and how fast things developed between you..I also recall how many advised that you may have been to quick to jump into this relationship...on hindsight it was with merit these take it easy posts... I'm not pointing a finger, the heart wants what is does and sometimes we foolishly throw caution to the wind. This being said, you are feeling the aftermath of a whirlwind romance..built on the illusion of romantic fantasy. You know this now...There is no perfect answer. Accept that you two were drawn together and things combusted...but it was probably meant to last just for that brief moment.... Don't struggle with all the 'whys and how to cope'...try look at it from a different perspective that she flowed into your life like a stream of water...and you dipped your hand into...But can you hold a stream back? No...Are you going to struggle with why you can't hold the stream back? No...just let it go.
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 cg-- in sync said it well, and i'll say it again from a slightly different perspective. think about a relationship as if it's something that is dark and vague and then becomes clearer and more knowable. when you first meet someone you are attracted but don't really know each other yet. you feel the euphoria but feelings develop or don't develop on deeper levels. the deeper levels take time and they take getting to know a person better. so when you push you force someone to be black and white about their feelings for you before they've had time to 'cook'. the usual response is that the person defends their 'emotional space' and pushes you back out because it feels like aggression or suffocation to them. they still might like you as friends or more but you need to back off and give them room so their feelings have a chance to develop at the person's own pace. everyone is a little different as to how much time they need to process what they know about you with their own feelings. if you continue to pressure them, they get more determined to keep you out. have you ever had someone force-feed you? didn't you push that person away and throw up? that is what you are doing when you push and get needy, it is like force-feeding them. this 4 day whirlwind was like a 4-day feast and afterwards you don't want to see another bite of food for a week. she needed to digest what you had already given her. instead you kept cramming more food down her. now here's the lesson about how you actually think about this without getting depressed. the fact is, you attracted this girl and got on well and she liked you. so take that as the general and universal truth about yourself, that you are a great guy and girls like you. when she backed off, it was because of a specific and containable behavior you displayed. too much and pushy. so that specific behavior can be changed. it doesn't change the universal truth that you are a great guy that can be in relationships.
Author caring guy Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 Thanks I mean jeez, you sound like councelors & i guess you are to me I know what you say is right & i'm gonna print this page off & read it over & over! I do just feel that our differences were only how we deal with things, that i dealt with it in a balck & white way & needed answers there & as i didn't go to Estonia, i maybe found her out & she felt guilty, she said this that she made a mistake. I just read the situation & thats that! If someone kisses you & holds your hand when you've both agreed to be friends, whats happening, confusing stuff! The analogy with food & force feeding is true, but i never was this way, only since i didn't go away with her, because i was hurt & felt used! She backed off & had space from me after this 4 day whirlwind, but that 4 days were mutual, i never forced anything, she did what she wanted & she told me she hadn't been with a guy in ages! thanks! I just got my hopes up, I just get attached & that flow of water i wanted to become a lake, not run away, i'm just not used to that & it aint me! Love & regards cg
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 yes she was sending mixed signals. next time don't try to make it black and white. realize that it was actually mixed. or grey. her feelings were both wanting to be with you but not sure how far to go, how far felt right to her. she needed time to figure things out and what her feelings were. 4 days may have felt right at the time but then you usually pay for it later. it's better to take it slow even if she wants it. when you get mixed signals from a girl next time back off a little. see her less, don't hold her hand. be less keen on her. be funny and a little cocky, make her laugh. don't go acting hurt and pushing for a definition of whether she wants to be friends etc. just give her space and observe her responses to you. draw her in with your humor and confidence.
Author caring guy Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 I'm darn sure i'm gonna learn from this, even if i haven't in the past, this time i'm more mature. I just don't know how i'd react if i said things to a girl & she i like & if she made a move on me, my animal instincts may take over! After these 4 days, i thought about her wishes & respected them & i didn't hound her, i stayed away & she got in touch with me, as in a elationship before, i didn't do this & messed up, so i learned then! The more contact on my behalf came when i felt she was getting cold feet about the trip to Liverpool & Estonia, there were things i neded to know that were normal, like ticket arrangements & things to take etc, but i felt even these questions seemed pushy! But, seems i was right & i took a stand & my motives for not going were right, i didn't care the cash, kust to feel she wanted my company, nothing wrong with that! There's a fine line i think between ditancing myself for the best & her thinking i'm not bothered! She said she hadn't been with a man in ages & thats why what happened, happened, like i was used as a sex object! We both had 4 great days, not just sex, but walks etc & restaurants, used again! Thing is i knew she would be going away in mid Feb, but i thought it wouldn't happen, or i'd joinn her as this has happened to me before! Hey love once made me follow a girl to USA, so south England wasn't going to phase me if love was in the air! I'm gonna read these posts a lot! The help me so much. I told my doc that i crave company, a partner & feel like i've had a leg cut off without one, like a drug addict without his hit! & that scares me! Huggs cg
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