flowergirl Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Ok, so I've been dating this really cool guy for the past two months. He's great and he really cares about me, but there's something that's really bugging me. He's only been over to my house once to meet my family, which went ok, and says that at some point he will come over and be more social with my family, just not now. He also says that just because you're dating someone, it doesn't mean you're dating their family. Does this viewpoint make him a jerk and should he be dumped, or should I give him time to get comfortable and start socializing with my family? He's a great boyfriend otherwise, it's just this one thing that concerns me right now. Thanks for your support.
Groovy Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Did he say your family bothered him? Or that he is saying that because it is too early to be introduced to the family? Some men feel pressured in a relatioship and pushed too fast when they meet the parents. Some people don't do that unless they are considering something like marraige. He might mistakenly think that you have him at this place. As him why he said the comment and vet your answers. It could be a variety of things. If you like him otherwise I wouldn't worry too much about it.
agnf666 Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Flowergirl... What I would do is not pressure him too much into seeing your family right now. That might have been really overwhelming. My boyfriend was all about me meeting his family... In which I haven't done yet. Then about 2 weeks later when I mentioned to him about meeting mine. He said "I would love to, but I'm not ready... " So, I think if you give him a little time he will come around... I really hope so... You can do what I do... Not mention it until he mentions it... Sounds like a good plan to me...
Author flowergirl Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Thanks for the advice, you guys. Oh, he said that although he's a bit nervous and intimidated by my mother, the main issue seems to be that he's not ready. I was just raised to believe that if a man truly loves you and is committed to you, he'll come and hang out with your family once a romantic relationship is established, and that anything less may signal lack of commitment, but I'm trying very hard to see his point of view because in the larger scheme of things, as long as he's a responsible law-abiding adult and treats me well, that's what matters most.
agnf666 Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 My family has been pressuring me to see my BF but since he isn't ready I'm not saying or doing anything. If he wasn't committed to you then he wouldn't have met your parents the first time... Or he would have said things are going to fast for him. Maybe he thinks that meeting your parents happened a little sooner then he really wanted. I would just go with the flow of things for a little while... 1
witabix Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Thanks for the advice, you guys. Oh, he said that although he's a bit nervous and intimidated by my mother, the main issue seems to be that he's not ready. I was just raised to believe that if a man truly loves you and is committed to you, he'll come and hang out with your family once a romantic relationship is established, and that anything less may signal lack of commitment, but I'm trying very hard to see his point of view because in the larger scheme of things, as long as he's a responsible law-abiding adult and treats me well, that's what matters most. I am with your boyfriend on this one. I date the girl, not her parents. It is uncool to be rude to your SO's family, but hang out with them? I don't think so. Not for me anyway. Unless I they would be my friends in other circumstances. People may not like my brothers, thats ok, I don't expect my SO's to like them. Its cool when they do, but its the real world, and they may hate them. I don't see that as a problem.
Author flowergirl Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Do these things about meeting the parents still apply if both parties are adults? I'm 30 and he's 25, and I am trying hard to get past the you-must-do-this relationship rules. By the way, AGN, hope I'm not being too nosy here, but how long have you and your boyfriend been dating?
littlekitty Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Two months in is too soon for most men. He's met them once, but most men see getting 'involved' with the family as something to be done when the relationship is getting very serious. Not after two months. There are NO you-must-do-this relationship rules. They would only work if we were all the same, all thought the same, and all wanted the same things... that's not the case is it?! The only rule is to allow open and honest communication, which you have done, and I think his explaination is sufficient. Be patient, I'm sure it will work out. But not if you keep hounding him... let him get there in his own time and he'll love you more for it.
Walk Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 He went and met your family. I think that's a good indicator that he is serious and wants to be with you. I'm 31, and I still don't require a guy I date to hang out with my family. Especially after dating for only a few months. I actually didn't introduce the last bf to my parents until we'd been dating for about 6 months. I want the guy I'm dating to get along with my parents. I enjoy hanging out with my parents, so I hope that my bf could too, but I don't require it. I give the option. If I set something up with my parents I let my bf know, and tell him he's welcome to come, but if not then I'm going to be at such and such place, at whatever time. And the first several times I bring a bf to meet the parents, I let him know before hand that we can leave at any time. I give him a code word to say when he's had too much. We stay an hour tops. And I try to keep it as stress free as possible. I've found it makes people more comfortable in choosing to see my relatives when they know they aren't at the whim of someone else (me), but that they have some control of the situation. And the less stressful and more fun I can make it, the more likely they'll agree to come with me if I really want or need them to. In conclusion.. He's serious or he wouldn't have met them in the first place, it's still new in the relationship so don't force it, and if you want him to hang out with your parents more, then set up meetings he'll enjoy too. Or find common ground for them. One bf and my Dad loved coffee so we went to coffee shops. One bf and Dad were big into tools. etc.
Author flowergirl Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Well, thanks, y'all for all your sage advice, especially Walk, you're such a voice of sanity and reason on this board, plus you have a rockin' avatar!
lilmoma1973 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I agree with Walk he did take the biggest step in a relationship by meeting the parents .. He must be serious that doesn't happen unless they are !! Don't push him or you could lose him. Good luck
Author flowergirl Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 Damnit! I'm so friggin' screwed! First off, the main fact I neglected to mention is that I live at home with my parents, not that I feel that that really changes the scenario, but now there's pressure. My mom asked me if my boyfriend stayed over while she was out of town, and I admitted that he did. I thought she was not gonna like this, but she was perfectly fine with it. Only thing is now she says well, why don't you have him come through while we're here. Aarrghh!!! What do I do now?!
Author flowergirl Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 Man, oh, man, I'm warring with myself! Ok, so I told my boyfriend over the phone last night that my mom was cool with him having stayed at the house while she was out of town, and he was glad for that. But then I told him that she expected hime to at least come and say hi every once in a while, now that he's slept in her house. I told him that all he'd have to do is say hi and then retreat to the basement, which has a big tv where we can be alone and watch movies. I was uncomfortable telling him this because I thought he'd be mad that I told her he'd been here, and that he'd feel pressure to come over, but his reaction was that he was glad that he was invited over anytime he felt like it. But now I'm afraid that he won't ever come over and he's just trying to pacify me. I think part of that fear is rational, and part of it not. First off, he said he was gonna come over for Christmas dinner, but chickened out, beacuse he heard all the people on the phone yelling for him to come, and, since Holidays are a big deal when dating, it made him uncomfortable. He made up for that by apologizing profusely and by coming by to talk to my family later on that week. So, I know he's trying. Nonetheless, that episode shook my confidence, and now I don't trust him to do what he says he's gonna do. Add to that that in past relationships, I've been lied to and stomped on and I don't know whether I'll ever be able to trust a guy's word ever again. Like I said, I know he's trying, but I'm afraid that he's gonna try for as long as he can to avoid coming over and to me that shows a lack of committment. I'm so stifled by this fear that I'm thinking of leaving this relationship, because, in my experience, if a guy does something like the above-mentioned once, he'll keep doing it because he can get away with it. This hurts and is messing with my head big time. This is a good guy, and I don't wanna give up just because of one mistake, but my trust issues are drowning me. I need some advice from my LS homies. Thanks.
witabix Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Flowergirl believe me you are stressing far too much over this. It really is not that important. He probably wants to take meeting your folks slowly. It can be a big pressure on its own. It will be more of a pressure if you obsess over it. Relax and let it take its own course.
Author flowergirl Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 As difficult as it is to get along with my mother, I still agree with her basic expectation that any man who's dating me needs to at least come to the house and say hello on a regular basis. Ordinarily, I wouldn't even date someone who didn't do this, beacause I have a strong belief that if you've declared your love for someone, that obligates you to be involved in each other's lives, and that includes presnting yourself periodically to their parents, especially since I live with mine. I'm having a hard time accepting that that's not gonna happen here, but I love this guy otherwise. He's been honest with me about his reasons, which are 1.) He's uncomfortable in my environment, meaning the uppity borgeious of the suburban world I come from, feeling like he won't fit in, and 2.) He's uncomfortable around my mother. Fair enough, but I feel that if you love someone, you just buck it up and deal with it, which includes conforming to certain social standards. It's not like I'm asking the man to marry me, I'm just asking for him to bend a little, to show some committment.
Groovy Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 The only additional thing I can add is if your with the right person it won't matter so stop wasting away in details and trivia. If he really is into you your family will not scare him away. When two people jive they stick together despite what their friends think, a bad experience they share, pressure, etc. If it's meant to be it will happen. And if not then he just wasn't that into you.
Author flowergirl Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 So, now you're saying he might not be into me? WTF!! Now, I feel worse than ever! I mean, it's only been two months, so perhaps I'm obsessing too much, it's just every other guy that's avoided my parents is gone now, obviously, and it would break my heart deeply for us to break up, but I can't predict the future, so I guess I'll have to just forget about this topic and go with the flow, and if we break up, it won't matter at all, because down the road there is the one.
silverbeamer Posted February 3, 2006 Posted February 3, 2006 He is dating you... not your family. Once the two of you have established yourself as a serious couple that would be the point to insist that he should come over more often and spend time with your family. Some guys are just hesitant in the beginning to 'meet the parents' because their opinions can change how you feel about your man. Just give it some time... if he cares for you he will know what will make you happy and will do whatever he can to achieve it.
Author flowergirl Posted February 3, 2006 Author Posted February 3, 2006 Thanks, Silverbeamer, that's useful. It's just that my family, and some of my friends, think that maybe he isn't taking this relationship seriously because I happen to live with my parents and he's still afraid to come over, and some of them think that I should consider breaking up with him over this. I'm struggling mightily over this. I keep telling myself that all that's needed is time, but I've given others time and the benefit of the doubt, and it's led nowhere, so that's why I'm really scared.The pressure of this situation is starting to really get to me.
Author flowergirl Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 Yay, my boyfriend came over to my house tonight!! I didn't even pressure him or anything, we went out to a local restaurant to eat, them he said " Why don't we go to your house"? So there ya have it, I can stop obsessing over this issue, becaus now I know this man takes me seriously and is a man of his word. Thanks everyone for all your advice, and listening to me vent.
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