Frescia Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Just a little background, I just broke up with my gf of 1.5 years and its been a month so far. The breakup has been ugly to say the least. I am not trying to be an amateur psychiatrist passing a diagnosis but I truly think my gf could be having a mental disorder of some kind. Borderline Personality Disorder I suspect. I remember coming to that conclusion after reading the symptoms for that disorder in my upper division psych class at my university.... To surmise, basically our relationship has been highly unstable. She became attached to me really quickly, within weeks, I just wanted to be friends for some time but to avoid hurting her feelings I became her boyfriend very fast. My first mistake. She had frequent emotional problems, she'd start crying for no apparent reason, every night before sleeping she'd cry. She'd sleep at very late hours and seemed to require little sleep. Her moods fluctuated rapidly over the course of conversations, one minute anger and frustration, the next minute incredibly loving. I always felt emotionally drained from talking with her, as if she was feeding off my emotions. All we used to do was talk about her problems, what she did, her parents and her friends. The whole relationship was based around her problems, her needs and wants. Never about mine. She realized that but attempts to change that were superficial. I felt like she knew nothing about who I really was. We would frequently get into arguments where I would have to keep calming her down or apologizing for things that were not even my fault. If i had to leave early one day, she'd get angry and I'd have to apologize profusely. It became maddening. After all this, I feel emotionally drained out. I don't feel like doing anything or even leaving my house. I feel so guilty because my gf is the victim of a lot of sexual abuse in the past from various people. Her few relationships have been bad where people dated her only for her body. She was extremely clingy and needy, possessive, manipulative, one minute I was the only man who understood her, the next minute I didn't love her or care about her. She always used to say "Nobody in this world loves me or cares about me". Has had a suicide attempt in the past and many times has tried to mutilate herself by cutting her wrists or thighs. It was EXTREMELY trying for me. Trying to figure out why our relationship was so unstable, trying to do everything right not to make her angry and still upsetting her. The whole relationship I was trying to make her happy at the expense of my own. I feel so depressed and used up. She was like an emotional vampire, fed off my energy. It was like she needed me to cheer her up on a consistent basis to prop up her low self esteem, insecurity and image problems. She had massive self hatred. she displayed all of the classic symptoms of BPD except for one thing. She didn't ever shift from wanting to be with me to rejecting me and avoiding me. ON the contrary she was massively in love with me, obsessive over me. She would frequently tell me she would die without me in her life. I broke up with her after literally trying to make it work for 1.5 yrs of my life. I feel so much sadness and anger and frustration because I loved her so much. In all of this i feel I recieved nothing out of our relationship because it was always centered around her. She had enormous amounts of love for me, but she was always in some stage of drama at all times, I always had to talk to her and calm her. Anyway she is refusing to let me go. Begging me to keep in contact with her, or atleast continue being friends. I am against all contact, I am tired of her, I feel so emotionally used up, and besides being friends with her is a one way street.It would wind up with her telling me all her problems and grievances and me playing Dr. Phil trying to counsel her. Im sick of that role, that is not the only job of a boyfriend. What the hell should I do? I love her, but keeping in contact with her to me seems destructive for me emotionally. She has said she plans to move on after repeatedly trying to coax me back into the relationship through guilt, threats of suicide,etc. NOt once has she asked me or thought about how miserable I must have been to end our relationship. It was always about how sad she was, how much SHE needed me. I don't believe she plans to move on, I think she still has plans to reunite with me no matter how many times I've told her I don't want us back together.
j.carsey Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 She clearly has some issues, truth be told probably not that uncommon. Seems like you've been dragged into a lot of this because you feel that you have to be the nice guy, you have to be the one who looks after her. From what you've written here (and man, i've been there because i've had girls call me from hospital psych wards) I know one thing... you are NOT that guy to nurse her back to health. It's not going to happen, as you know, instead you would be the reluctant guy looking after a girl who you don't want to be with. So do NOT get guilted or threatened back into a relationship that is not working. But DO see if you can help in some other way before letting go entirely, perhaps by checking up that she is in contact with her close friends who can help her along. Breaking contact with an ex is one thing, but doing a bit to help someone who needs help is another. But don't confuse the two, that is, helping her does not mean you have to be her boyfriend when you don't want to
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Has she even tried getting mental health care? If she's supposed to be on medication, does she take it? Has she been in therapy for the abuse she suffered?
riobikini Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Dear Frescia, I feel both your pain and your exhaustion. The ambivalent feelings you have are understandable. The mental illness of a partner has a way of sucking you in and drowning you. You did not say whether she had ever been seen by a doctor. She certainly should be. The kindest thing you can do for yourself, you have already done: leave. The kindest thing you can do for her is to suggest help by passing on written information to her on mental illnesses that you think may apply to her. Then initiate absolute 'No Contact'. Welcome back to freedom, my friend, -after all you have been through, -you deserve it! Take care. -Rio
Author Frescia Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 Thanks for the replies guys. There are two complications. One is, this was a long distance/online relationship. We met on a messageboard for college students of indian origin. We became friends and before I knew it we were bf/gf. She lives in India and I live in America. In india it is frowned upon to even go see a psychiatrist. People over there care very much about what others (their neighbors, friends,etc) think. My ex never told her parents all the sexual abuse she went through, she did reveal one incident to them, and her parents told her to try to forget it. Her parents never speak about it with the hopes that she would forget it all. Not the case obviously... She knows she has problems, but everytime I suggested she seek help she would get offended. She thought I was hinting that she was crazy. I suppose she didn't want to deal with the reality that she had issues... I really wanted to be the guy who saved her from all her problems, she is living in a hellhole where women are not safe at all. The capital city of India is one of the most unsafe areas in the world for women. Nearly 95% of all women there have been molested in some way. Its called the rape capital of the world for a reason.... For many indian girls, they want to only have one boyfriend who they eventually will get married to. It has to do with cultural mores...etc She's a conservative girl (virgin)...so she wanted to only have one serious relationship. Every guy she met just wanted to sleep with her, and because I was the first one to value her friendship and treat her as a human being, she became very attached to me...almost obsessive.... Ever since i heard of her sexual abuse I became very protective of her, and I guess I began to think of her more as a little sister than as a girlfriend.... She feels she can't ever get a guy like me even though I tell her and have told her many times that she will have opportunities to meet many better men than me she has to be patient. I've tried helping her to my own detriment emotionally, and suggestions of going to the psychiatrist seem to be an impossible suggestion for her (which i understand, doing that is basically a tacit admission that you are crazy in India!). She is seeing a guru (spiritual teacher) who through meditation and yoga is helping her slowly, but I feel that therapy would benefit her a lot more than meditation..... Basically I feel like washing my hands completely and forgetting everything. I love her so much, I mean I'm the stereotypical east indian guy, focused mainly on education/my career, no girlfriends, still a virgin,etc. Falling in love for the first time was a very profound experience for me and it just crushes me that it ended up like this. I wanted so much to help her and save her from her problems and I feel massive guilt that I have let go of her hand. We made plans of meeting up in a few yrs and talked of marriage. (commitment is a given when in a relationship with indian women) Naturally her world is shattered. But I know my life will be a living hell with her, and if she is living with me, things will be more unbearable than they already are. Strange enough my sister who was observing all this, as a joke said "she reminds me of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction". At the time we laughed it off, but ofcourse as many of you know Glenn Close portrayed a character with Borderline Personality Disorder....something I suspect strongly my ex has. I am scared of my ex, I find her creepy, her obsessive nature, constant text messaging on my phone and her keeping tabs on me (checking my emails, then in a fit of anger deleting everything in my account after I broke up with her,etc) has started to unnerve me. In fact I start to recoil now whenever my phone rings.(no joke) Her way of showing she cares would be to give me missed calls. Some days she would give me 16 missed calls before going to sleep. I gave her so much time and she kept asking for more and more. There were days when we would talk for 8 hrs straight over summer break and she would throw a fit when I told her at 6 AM that I was sleepy and wanted to go to bed(!). I was really naive, it was my first relationship and I just wanted to make her happy. We'd talk nearly every day, and I'd call india twice a week (Expensive as hell!), still she'd want more. As time wore on, I stopped calling as frequently making excuses, we'd talk online for only a few hrs a week or sometimes not at all, I was pulling away a lot because of how unhappy she was making me....and I guess this contributed more to her unhappiness with our distance and led to more fights and drama.... In indian culture, love/romance and being caring is taken to a further level than what would be considered "normal" in America. Indians by and large are very romantic people (all our films are romance films lol)....yet I'm an american born and raised, i just found it unnerving. Anyway to make a long story short....she has been begging me to atleast keep in touch through emails. I have said initially I wanted no contact with her for 6 months to be able to get over her and move on. She has agreed though she stipulated that she would only email me or contact me only when it was very important. This means ofcourse I could expect to hear from her atleast once a month. After 6 months, she wants us to keep in touch through email and she will call up once in awhile from india. Basically in her mind since we were "best friends" we should not lose contact forever even if we broke up and she justifies it by saying she has many friends who have broken up with their exes and still keep in touch. Truth is, while I loved her, I never really felt like she was my best friend....Im kind of tired of her to be honest. She still wants to meet me, she says it would be a shame after all this time if we never meet. While I am curious to meet her, it may give some closure, my sister is advising me that it is a horrible idea, my sister feels that there is no point in meeting up since the relationship is over.... My ex has told me many times that she doesn't expect to fall in love again for a long time and hates it when i tell her to move on. She says even though I broke up with her, she is still happy and content to keep loving me even if she can't have me. WTF? She's a bright and sensible girl why is she doing this? My ex is like a child, very immature and sheltered, she behaved in our relationship like a child behaves, and while it was cute initially, it is no longer cute and thus it saddens me that she chooses to behave in a child like manner when it comes to breaking up.... Through all this I never once blamed her, I almost never got mad at her or berated her. I put up with all her bull**** and tantrums. Even now after breaking up I tell her that "Its not you, its me " speech....though I think she knows I wasn't able to handle her frequent mood swings.... Bottom line I ask u guys, what exactly is my ex thinking? Does she plan on meeting me only to try her best to get back with me? Should I break all contact with her forever? The complication is since she is an indian girl her whole world is wrecked, she invested her whole soul into our relationship and she just cannot imagine being with another guy....God knows what would have happened had we been intimate I would have been forced to marry her....*shudders* I really want to move on, not to be egotistical or brag, but I'm a very good looking guy with a bright future ahead, it saddened me that my first relationship was with such an unstable girl and that too online (something i was completely against) but i was willing to make it work. I was not a quitter and gave it my all. But obviously things failed of their own accord. I am very much interested in putting all this in the past and getting on with my life. Should I go with my gut instinct and wash my hands of her completely even though I care for her almost like a family member of mine? I just strongly suspect if i keep in touch with her she will never let go of me...
greenhorn Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Hello Frescia, I can understand your predicament, tough to be in one such. There are obviously lot of complications in your whole story. Since it was first relationship you did few mistakes. You should not have fallen in love so quick and not invested yourself emotionally, but this is as small part in the whole thing. I think your ex was not ready for any relationship, what she was in was not love but merely a change from her previous issues. Love has to be absolute and not cause it is a good change from previous life. And so you took more of the part of agony uncle and less of partner. I know and understand the Indian situation but now a days things are not that tough. She could easily contact one of the helplines and get some professional help - she requires it urgently. Until and unless she becomes a normal person she won't be able to have a normal relationship. I don't know how much going to a spiritual guru will help, I don't trust them much. Yoga is definitely a stress buster. She does not let you go even after breakup is cause of the fear of unknown. This is strange but true, if you be in suffering for long time then you won't even let that suffering to go. She has to first make herself normal, find who she is and what are her priorites in life. Ask her to get some professional help, then get hold of her life. She has to get some shock to get going, relying on you is not going to help you, moreover this relationship will taxing for you as well. I think you should explain to her and ask her to first get grip on her life and may be then you both can think of relationship. Your post does seem to suggest that she is still going through sexual abuse, is it so ? What kind of problem is she facing in Delhi ? How old is she ? The least you can do is to not feel guilty of breaking this relationship, it wasn't a relationship but a parasitic alliance. Hope you feel better.
Author Frescia Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Greenhorn, thanks for your input and I wholeheartedly agree with you, it was a parasitic alliance and indubitably her fear of the unknown and reliance on me for emotional support is making this breakup more difficult. She is 22 and is reaching the "marriageable" age by indian standards (24-25). She isn't going through any abuse right now though she is constantly on guard when she goes to her university or anywhere outside, they take all kinds of precautions there (curfew at 5, carrying pins & mace,etc). Its an ongoing problem, nearly every year some incident happens to her, 3 months back she had an "incident" with 2 of her classmates in the classroom of 50 other students (!)....All this has led to her feeling something is wrong with her and given her low self esteem. Women are being abducted right outside their homes over there. The problem is that the environment is extremely hostile to women, women that pass in the street are harassed by hooligans or fondled right on the streets, many are raped and killed with no repurcussions. Basically there is no respect for the life of a woman there. It is almost a lawless city in many ways (Last week a woman was raped by her own son!). She has told me many times she feels like a caged bird because her parents like other parents in the cities keep their daughters in a state of lockdown....Getting a boyfriend is important for many girls in Delhi obviously for protection and to lessen harassment. Me leaving her has made her feel like a "loser"(her own words) and worsened her self esteem. I don't think she can get her life on track atleast not without extensive therapy, something she won't get in the near future, she seems to have serious deep rooted psychological problems, I gave her everything to make her happy and still our relationship was so unstable with incredible highs and horrible lows. As you said, I simply believe now she just cannot maintain a normal relationship. I love her so much its so difficult to let her go, as I said before I wanted to save her from whatever she was going through...but it seems I cant do that without sacrificing my own happiness...What's difficult is telling someone who feels they are normal but have slight problems that they have serious issues that is preventing them from leading a normal life. I don't think she is going to accept that and may resent me for suggesting it.... I'm supposed to talk to her tomorrow and I think I'm going to stand firm and say that it will be our last conversation forever. I know she will do her best to contact me, but I'm going to change my phone number.....
greenhorn Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 You would be doing a great favour to her, if you can convince her to get some professional help. It does not always means the person who takes help is freak. She has to develop confidence in herself. Any big city of any country is not always that safe for women but people become 'street-smart' when they live there. Your GF does seem to lack this skill. I don't see how you being a long distance bf can help her with her harassment or protection. She has to help herself, become normal and then go for a steady relationsips.
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