tweedle-dee Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've been with my bf for 2 years. He's my first real relationship, and hoping it would be my only one. I am 20 and he's 26. He is extremely mature for his age. He had 2 x-gfs before me each for 4 years, one was 8 years older than him, and the other 12! We have been fighting constantly for a certain period of time, and now, things have cooled down. To him, nothing bothers him and nothing is worth it. Me in his eyes, immature, childish, insecure, needs a lot of attention, and gets upset over small things. He is obsessed with one of the x's culture which is far from his. All his house has things that symbolize her and from her all over the place. I feel very uncomfortable every time i look at something, and in a way, it makes me feel sad. Their pictures are in his books, in his drawers, other than the albums which are set aside. But why would he need other ones to be close to him? He e-mails her telling her he misses her, and so does she. They send each other pictures. They are in two different countries, but still manage to keep in touch with each other. I wish he tells me he misses me! It has been 6 months he hasn't said anything nice, done anything romantic, or even touched me. He might kiss me becuase he feels like its a duty and I am immature to want that. I always have to be the one that goes to him and make him feel good day after day, and get rejected so many times as well. I once told him I wish I have someone that makes me feel as good as I make you feel day after day. He was off work from May till December, and I worked during the summer and took a semester off school to pay for all his bills and groceries and take him out and give him money to go shopping and so on. I am finally back to school, and he got the job now, and just started helping me out the past 2 weeks. My rent is fully paid so there is nothing really major that needs to be taken care of. I feel so sad a lot of the times. I cook for him every day, I never let him do anything, I clean the house every single day, to make sure he does't have to do anything when he comes back from work and have a good healthy hot meal waiting for him. He has a comfortable place to come back to. I drop him off at work every morning at 6 o'clock. I pick him up. I make breakfast for him every morning, and just trying to make his life as easy as possible. I sleep crying so many times, I feel sad, I am hoping for things to change. I feel so bitter sometimes. I'm jealous when I see him finding the time to grab my cat and hug him so many times and kiss him, but yet not being able to sit next to me. He always tells me give me my space, we sleep on two seperate beds, and things have been just tearing me apart inside. He has habbits that I don't like, and he will never consider changing them. If i do something he doesn't like, I have to hear about it all the time and he will keep on telling me what a turn off that is. He's a good guy. He's too mature. He wants someone to fit in his life and not him fit in someone else's life. I did so mnuch for him and his family. I feel the only thing I am getting in return was him fixing my house inside out (he does interior design, restoration, painting, so on). I'm very quiet, I'm very simple. I'm not crazy, I don't party, I don't waste my money, I'm not immature. And no one tells me that but him!! Please tell me if I'm crazy to realize those things. Help..
hooghie Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but based on your post- he doesn't love you You sound like you have a lot to offer and are a very giving person. You should be giving your love and affection to someone who deserves it.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Erm, hmm, if he were truly "mature", he'd know a relationship demands closeness and fulfillment of both parties' needs. He doesn't have any special maturity just because he's dated older women. He's just hoping you'll believe that because you're naive and inexperienced. But you sound far from immature. No, it doesn't sound like he loves you. It sounds like he's cold, selfish and is taking you for a ride. And like he's still in love with the ex.
SweptAway Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I could pull quote after quote out of your post and tell you exactly why he is IMMATURE and nowhere near "too mature". Im blunt so if you don't want an honest, straightforward response don't read ahead. Bear in mind that I'm making my judgement based on what you have posted: I'm sorry but this man does not appreciate you and you do waaay too much for him. Not only does he treat you like a doormat but he appears to still be attached to an ex-girlfriend who he openly obsesses about in front of you! This guy has got it too good. He sounds disrespectful and rude. He let you take a semester off school so he could mooch off of you? Was that your idea? No matter what, he should not have let you do that. School is too important. If he didn't have the job he wanted, he should have taken a job at McDonalds or a supermarket or anywhere whilst he was looking for the right one. That is what a MATURE person would have done. I can't imagine letting anyone I have been with take time off school to pay my bills. This man should be worshipping the ground you walk on for all that you do for him. Instead he is an emotionally unavailable b***stad who makes you feel guilty for wanting a simple kiss! He should be smothering you with kisses!! And then some. You should never feel guilty for wanting affection and attention from your partner. Never. That is what they are there for (amongst other things). Why doesn't he want to share a bed with you? If your partner can't do that then he may as well be your annoying roomate. You deserve much much better than this. Tell him to cook his own damn dinner and clean his own filthy house. I'm sorry if this has offended you but I get so angry when I see fantastic women in crap relationships. I know it's really hard for you to see why you should not be in this relationship because it goes much deeper than the few paragraphs you have posted. I'm guilty of getting caught up in crappy relationships aswell, more than once. I hope you wake up one day and realise that you should be adored and not walked all over.
melbourneboy Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Yeahhss That guy sounds like a Tool. Really. Good luck with everything it sounds like you deserve alot ALOT Better than for him to treat u like S@#T. Kick him to the Curbb you can do alot better
Author tweedle-dee Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 I really appreciate your help. I am torn in between how great and how bad a person can be!! Thanks.
riobikini Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Dear T, He is still in love with his ex. Leave, -and keep posting to this board if you need help in getting through it. Hugs. -Rio
justagirliegirl Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I agree with the others. He is using you. I am not seeing anything that you said about him that makes him mature. Quite the opposite really. I haven't read anything about him that even makes him a decent guy. It isn't normal behaviour to email an ex saying how much they want them back. It isn't normal loving behaviour to sleep in another bedroom. If you really sit down and write out what you are getting from this relationship that meets YOUR needs, you will easily see that all you are getting is crumbs and not the full cake that you deserve.
honeybunch2k5 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I'm sorry baby, but I think he is more in love with what you do for him. You pay his bills? C'mon! And sweetheart, you are in no way, shape, or form immature for wanting affection i.e. kisses. If you pay a guys bills and he can't even kiss you, that's a red flag. It sounds like he's more into the cat than he is pleasing you. Please don't take offense, but it doesn't sound like he's over his ex. And just because he was in a relationship for a long time, doesn't mean the were of any quality. Dump that loser...You can do bad all by yourself!
Citizen Erased Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 This guy seemed to treat you like a live in maid rather than a girlfriend. Separate bedrooms=trouble. He is quite obviously using you and it is a shame cos you sound like a fantastic woman. You really need to dump his sorry a$$ cos there are plenty of people out there who would appreciate you and make you feel like a million dollars and not like this. He is still emotionally attached to his ex, he may not be in love with her but he has obviously attached his emotions to her and this is why you are not getting any of his affection.
Author tweedle-dee Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Everytime I mention or bring up his ex, he tells me not to make him re-live his past! He’ll tell me that they’re not together for a reason, so why do I keep on bringing her up?? Also, his x’s are the ones that dumped him that at one point when I was so upset with him I told him I understand why his x’s dumped him, he never dumped anyone, but he sure knows how to make someone miserable that they can’t take it no more. He tells me to cheer up and be happy that he is standing here next to me and with me, not his x. In fact, his x is no where around him for him to be able to stand next to! She’s in Japan. He loves Japanese people, Japan, anything that directly or indirectly links to it! Whatever we talk about, Japan is always there, and I became so sensitive so defensive whenever I hear it, I feel I am sometimes racist just because of the amount of times he rubbed JAPAN in my face!! He will sit and insult all my culture and my traditions, but yet compliment everything that is Japanese. I get torn. He tells me to respect the way he feels because at one point he felt the same way towards his ex as he does towards me, and that he also planned a future with her. He has done everything and seen everything and have went everywhere which his x’s, nothing is new to him, nothing is exciting, he had it and done it all! He contacts his other x who cheated on him several times and wanted me to go with him and get some stuff from her basement. That, I might understand. But he chats with her, he asked her for a favour after all he’s been through with her!! They exchanged phone numbers, and so on… I trust him so much, but all those things make me feel jealous, make me feel hateful, and make me feel even more miserable knowing what I’ve sacrificed to be with him, to make his life easy, and getting nothing in return. He cannot find the time in the day to make me feel good. He will tell me I look cute, or sometimes, once in a blue moon, or if I ask, give me a hug or kiss, he never thinks of it himself. He tells me to give him his space. He gets so excited when he sees his friend, he has the biggest smile on his face and becomes the nicest person around my friends or in public, everyone compliments how great he is that my friend has trouble understanding if he can be that bad at home! He’s a smart guy. That’s how we started. We were both interested in astronomy, politics, and so on that we started to discuss issues more and more over time. Until I cannot compete or keep up with his knowledge. So now, I am boring and quiet to him! And he needs someone to stimulate his mind. He is finally working and I’m back to school. And he promised to make my life easy and is dumping his money on me which I don’t want and I’m not taking, I want to be poor and with no cash but have the affection at the end of the day. What do I do to make him feel that way???
magda Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I think you should leave him. Showing a little independence and not putting up with the little bit of affection he shows you is probably the only way. He's treating you like a doormat and you are taking it because you wanted so badly for this relationship to work. But it's not working, and you know that. You are starting to live in his shadow - less knowledgeable, less experienced, less mature. You're younger, but you're not stupid. He'll keep considering you that way though, because no reasonable person should put up with being treated that way. For as long as you continue allowing yourself to be treated this way, he will see you as someone less than what you are.
cal gal Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Are you showing as much time, love and attention in small ways that you would want him to do to you every day i.e. Ooooh I love that color shirt on you, it's sooo nice with your skin tone! Men loved to be complimented as much as women, see if it makes a difference in his attitude and attention after trying it for two or three days, then let me know how it goes! Other ideas for compliments might be: Uh oh - might need to start a new thread for LOTS of ideas! Good luck honey...
UnderWorld Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Hey so now after reading ur post makes me think my bf talks to his ex! but theres no pics or anything. In the beggining hed answer the phone to her call but said he didnt recognize the number..he said are u ok? to her and he'll call her later he says that shes his best friend as far as i know i havent heard of her and calls but who knows..(shes married and has a kid)im not sure where she lives tho? i told him it makes me uncomfortable he talks to her and didnt mention where he was...and yes hes not as affectionate and i do get jealous of him and his cats he always greets them and gives them kisses hugs and call them cute all the time..he even calls me kitty. I wish he was more affectionate!
UnderWorld Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 yea my ex he was affectionate and then he was poor and i took care of him now my bf now has money but isnt affectionate id rather be poor and have affection for sure! Yea also his ex did cheat on him and as i said shes married and has a kid i dont know if they talk anymore he told me a while back he wont.
clynn Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 PLEASE leave this guy. He is using you for your money. And he is still in love with his ex. You are WAY TOO GOOD for him. I know it hurts now and it may for a little while but Trust Me - there are WAY better men out there. This guy is selfish, insecure, immature and a user. Bad, bad, bad.
Author tweedle-dee Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 I compliment him all the time!! Whenever I go out I come back with something sweet. A piece of cake and a card that I made not just buying stuff for him. Sometimes I'll come back with a rose! A shirt that he wanted. I always tell him he looks good. All the time!! I compliment everything he does, I keep him company while he works and try to help him. I never get anything in return! And if I every complain, I am the one that ruins things and I'm the one that's so needy. He never said happy birthday! He always got me something before my birthday, and on that day he never said anything. He doesn't believe in valentine's day, but he runs to the computer to wish his x a happy birthday or a happy valentine's day. In his room he would keep my card to him, but on the other side he's put a card from his x that says happy valentine's day and how much she loves him! And if I complain or say anything I'm immature and it's part of the past and "the card looks good from outside!!" How long do I keep it in?? If I do something he doesn't like the whole world colllapses on top of my head, and I will change without arguing just to put a smile on his face. And then he'll tell me he doesn't appreciate it becuase I should've been like that in the first place and I only changed for him. He doesn't like that! I can't get him to do anything extra. I can make him help me clean the house, or cook, but when it comes down to his personality, he keeps on telling me it's all in "my head" and I'm creating and picking on things that are not necessary and I should be the happiest person!
jennifer1983 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I am so sorry to hear you have to go through this. I am the same way...I give and give and give in hopes of GETTING just a hug or I love you or something and get nothing in return. I think that is the worst kind of relationship to have to be in because you are putting everything into it and they don't see it, it makes you feel like you aren't good enough. He probably will after you have decided to cut loose and let go that is how it usually goes. He is definitely using you for what you can offer him and he obviously doesn't care how you feel, I am sure you see that but just try to believe its not true. If you are like I am you don't want to face the reality of being used, it hurts BAD especially if he still loves his ex. The only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation because nothing is going to work to get him to see your side, you have tried and tried. As hard as it is to believe, he is never going to change or appreciate you because you STAY he doesn't know what it is like to be without you and he knows you will sit there and take his neglect. For your own good, leave and cry for a while.....then move on to someone who deserves you.
blind_otter Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 If you won't leave him at least stop doing all these things for him. I reserve spoiling men as a reward for good behavior. If you keep treating them wonderful as they continue to treat you like crap, it's not like he's thinking, oh how wonderful that she continue to do this for me. Usually they just lose respect for you. He's still in love with his ex.
honeybunch2k5 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Stop doing sweet things for him immediately. You are rewarding him for treating you like crap. He will probably dump you if you stop, b/c to him you are just an ego boost. He's in love with what you do for him. He loves it when you bring him roses, candy, and pay his bills. He is using you. Find someone better soon.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 How is his knowledge of "subjects" an indicator of his maturity? I could talk circles around my dad when I was 10, I kid you not... do you think that meant I was more mature than him? - had more life experience, psychological integrity, coping ability, common sense, responsibility, interpersonal skills, conscience, WISDOM, etc.? Hell no! Damn, you are giving this guy way more credit than he deserves. Intellect and maturity have NOTHING to do with each other. Yeah, according to studies, people who have one are slightly more likely to have the other, but they are not the same thing. OK, so maybe you're not the sharpest tool in the shed, but from what you've written, it seems you've got him beat by aeons in the maturity department. He's using his intellect against you, to subdue, confuse and manipulate you. It's so easy to make you feel like I'm right and you're wrong if I'm presenting pseudo-logical arguments which you don't have the mental faculties to counter, even if my points are really a crock of s***. I know, because I've done it endlessly. Great debate tactic, I'll tell you what. But it doesn't make him right. He's a worthless prick, how can we make this any clearer to you? You need to stomp that one like a flaming bag of dog crap, even if it gets poo all over your shoe.
Author tweedle-dee Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 I just had the most amazing sex with my bf after god knows how long (even though we are together every single day). We get up, I go make him food for tomorrow as he sits and watches the tv. After 45 minutes, I go to check up on his to see if he wants any fruits, he says no, come sit with me, I take a look at the tv, I find him watching a naked female stripper in a cop uniform and care less to know what it is he is watching.. I tell him normally not being upset or moody, no thanks, we just had sex and you're watching that! and ended it with a laugh. (I'm not open minded about doing this and especially after we just had sex). The answer that I get from him is that I'm so boring! I can't sleep, I can't move. I feel so paralyzed. Is this normal? Am I overreacting??? Help.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Okay, he is being a jerk on purpose it seems...So, after he spends the night on the couch ALONE (see the other thread), sit down and tell him how what he is doing, how he is acting is upsetting you. You don't need this s*** from him! Honestly, you're better off ending it. Maybe he doesn't have the nerve to end it. So, lay it out for him! Tell him to get his s*** together and be with you or maybe it's time to say goodbye.
Mary3 Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 This is a seriously screwed up relationship. It would be easy to tell you " Yes Leave Him " but you are in major denial here with some BIG self esteem issues. Its going to take LOTS of work to get you some self respect but the FIRST thing you need to do is STOP giving, kissing , loving , caring , needing, nuturing, worshipping, catering , bu#@ kissing , this LOSER ! He for cripes sake is loving his X right in front of you ! He treats you like DIRT ! He does NOT respect you because YOU dont respect yourself. You spend 24 hours a day catering to a deadbeat NO GOOD emotional abuser who is emotionally involved with his EX GIRLFRIEND ! This BUM is using you BIG TIME and all you can think is : If I try harder maybe he will love me NO ! He wont EVER LOVE you ! He loves HIMSELF and his X GET OUT ! But get some help because until you to you are going to be giving giving giving and gets ZIPPPPO NADA NOTHING BACK ! Get out and stay away from him NO CONTACT Keep us posted
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