AltplanB Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 A friend forwarded a me an email my ex sent explaining why she dumped my ass after a 1 year relationship in which she was deeply in love with me. Apparently something had been bothering her for like a couple weeks and then she realized one day that i wasnt "the one". She called me up that night to break up with me. I didnt handle it well. I begged and pleaded and all this did was make her move on quicker. 3 weeks later she met and had a new boyfriend for 1.5 months until he dumped her so he could get back with his ex. She still didnt get back with me, although she started sending me mixed signals that she was thinking about it. Well i finally brought it up as if she wanted to try things again and i got the "i dont want a romantic relationship with you because ill just hurt you again and thats not fair to you." I dunno if that is bull**** but wasnt what i wanted to hear. Well after that i went back to NC. I told her i can't be friends with her and she cried for a little while until i made the mistake of contacting her just because i soooo missed her. Well that just put her back in control. She has met another guy and although she told me it would go nowhere, is still seeing him and i stopped getting calls. I know she has moved on as i posted what she wrote to me here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=79974 the problem is that i cant get rid of my feelings and she is just so caviler about the whole thing even though she cried and such and is going through a lot with her dad passing away and that she has been struggling with bulimia for 6 years. All these things affected her decision. She was my first love (were both 21). although she has moved on from other boyfriends, and she has said some of the things to me that she told me she said to them after she moved on, i have trouble letting go because i see her as the woman of my dreams, someone i was lucky to be with. I accepted her faults and treated her with the highest importance. She knows this and illustrates it in the link. I just dont understand why she can say all these nice things and then just not want to be with me. She has said that she still has feelings for me, but that she is dating...something she started doing immediately. Its like she is trying to replace me and i realize now that if i hadn't taken the breakup so hard she would of considered getting back with me. i still believe that we belong together, everyone told us we fit so well. Same religon, humor, both really tall and in shape, very attracted to each other, same views on life. I believe that her problems were part of her decision and i still wonder if i could somehow overcome them and bring her to see that i could be the one, just like i see her as possibly the one.
CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Because she sees you as a 'nice guy.' You weren't much of a challenge to her and when you broke down, begged for her, etc you basically lost her respect. She needs to respect you to love you. Alt, you've been dealing with this chick for a while. She's made it clear you aren't the one, much like my ex did. She's rejecting you time after time after time. When will you have some respect for yourself and say 'enough is enough'? 1
Author AltplanB Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 ive been dealing with it for a while because it wasn't just another relationship to me. She and i lived together for the summer and i know that we are both young...this is one of her excuses as she knows that these things happen but i also don't want to give up on someone that i really cared for. I know i need to let go and trust me, little by little, i am. The problem is that everytime i think im getting over her, a part of me remembers the feelings and love. I also remember the passion and the certain moments that neither of us can forget. It pains me as everyone tells me that she will come around if she doesn't find someone first. They also tell me to move on or it will never happen. I realize now that the words, "love is blind" are very true in almost every situation regarding someones feelings getting hurt.
CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 So write down all the bad things about her and keep that list handy. Anytime you start feeling love for her, refer back to the list. It'll remind you why you should let go.
Author AltplanB Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 i keep really wanting to contact her. I know i sound weak but i can't seem to move on.. If she doesn't have any respect for me i wonder how i could gain that back. Everyone here will tell me to just not contact her but i still love her. Something most people wouldnt still have for someone that left them over 3 months ago and has been in a relationship since and has told you that you werent the one. She says ther are still some feelings there but she doesnt want to hurt me again. I just wish she could remember some of the moments we shared, some of the connections. She may not be a healthy person to have a relationship with but i am willing to wait. I still see her as the one even if she doesn't see me as such.
riobikini Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 If they tell you you are not 'the one': L-i-s-t-e-n....and ...W-a-l-k. -Rio
In Sync Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 AltplanB, You are having a difficult time because you are in contact with her. The reason everyone is telling you not to contact her, is not out of unkindness, but because you are clearly not coping. We have been there and done it SO we know what is ahead if you continue down the path. Yes, You are in love and she despite her well intentions of not wanting to hurt you...her presence in your life right now is hurtful. Yes, You invested your heart in the relationship and can not merely walk away.That's beautiful that you were able to do this only it's not a healthy place for you to be in if you stay in contact with her. The story is not going to change to the way you want it...sorry..you'll be at the mercy of this person who is treating your heart carelessly. Do you see for yourself how agonizing this will be if you don't make the effort to maintain NC. We all loved the people we do NC with, but at some point we have to say, how much is my love for them equivalent to banging my head on a wall. Step back and as painful or discomforting is to do so, only the time you give yourself alone will get you out of this cycle.
bluechocolate Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 If they tell you you are not 'the one': L-i-s-t-e-n....and ...W-a-l-k. -Rio That is pretty much what I was going to say. When they tell you you're not the one - believe them and act accordingly. 1
In Sync Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 If they tell you you are not 'the one': L-i-s-t-e-n....and ...W-a-l-k. -Rio :laugh: Simply put and perfect. 1
Author AltplanB Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 i guess i kinda wanted to know why. Why am i not the one. She never really told me about things that she had a problem with. She just bailed. I confronted her about this and she said she gave hints all the time. I guess i just wanted to be the person that she could love again. Oh well, if not asking her this as well as never talking to her is the way to go, that is the course i will try and take. Its really hard and i know that somewhere down the line, i will break down and be up till 5 am depressed. Thanks.
In Sync Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 i guess i kinda wanted to know why. Why am i not the one. She never really told me about things that she had a problem with. She just bailed. I confronted her about this and she said she gave hints all the time. I guess i just wanted to be the person that she could love again. Oh well, if not asking her this as well as never talking to her is the way to go, that is the course i will try and take. Its really hard and i know that somewhere down the line, i will break down and be up till 5 am depressed. Thanks. Why you are not the one? There could be a zillion reasons or one reason, you'll never know the answer, so there is no point in dwelling on it. I remember a long time ago, I actually stopped seeing a guy because I was watching him mash his potatoes and it turned me off so much... I couldn't conceive of seeing him again. I mean, who knows why a person stops loving you. If you found out, would you change yourself for them? Face it, she wanted to leave the relationship (she even admitted she gave you hints...hints you didn't see but regardless in her mind she gave you reasons.) She was over it. Period. She would have invented something if her purpose was just to get out at the end of the day...my point is you'll never have a definitive answer...so why spin any number of questions..she moved on and so should you.
gordon_gc Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 One thing I realised (and many will disagree because my vision is pesimistic but realistic)... THE ONE doesnt excist !!!! That is true for you but also for her. She thought you were not the one...that is probably because she is in some way imature and doesnt realsie yet that a relationship is not only about romantism and bunch of red roses...now, in your case, you obviously she was/is the one and that is fair enought but one thing i can tell you and that relates to what caliguy told you...whatever was bad with her, you accepted, tolerated and still decided you loved her...she obviously did not do the same. I am sure that even thought you had great moments in your relationship with her, you were always the one making most of the efforts. Am i wrong ? Open you r eyes, according to you, she was the one...according to me, you THOUGHT she was the one. THE ONE doesnt excist and if he/she does, the only valid definition i can find for it is simply "Someone YOU LOVE, TRUST and RESPECT and someone who LOVE, TRUST and RESPECT YOU..."
Author AltplanB Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 my brain is killing me. I can't get her out of my head or my heart. I know she still thinks of me, but its only in the friend sense. I just wish i was strong enough to let her go. I think about her every minute and the feelings are just as fresh as they were on day 1. Ive let this really hurt me and i know it, making me feel even worse. I still think she is confused and she has admitted it many times. Because she knows this, she doesn't want to hurt me by stringing me along. I wish she could see me as the strong person i once was. I wish she could see me as a man again. I know i ****ed up when we broke up. I took it like a little girl, bent on getting her back. I also know that it made the chances of me getting her back even slimer. sorry but im trying to both forget her and figure out how to get her back at the same time.
gordon_gc Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 AltplanB, It seems like we are in the same situation...I know it's a hard feeling trying to let it go but without really wanting it !!! Why ? Because you still think there might be a chance to make things better. Lets make a deal AltplanB...lets work together, ONE DAY AT THE TIME. I'll try to be strong but i need you to be strong too !!!! Close your eyes for a sec and try to be her...Would you seriously like someone begging ??? No, I don't think so. You would still like the person but you would kind of think "This is going a bit psyko". Your objective is not to try to forget her or get her back but to get yourself back...Be the Alpha male full of confidence you were when you once met her ! It's gonna be the hardest thing to do but by focusing on this and not that relationship, you'll be able to feel better. DEAL ?
Author AltplanB Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 its a deal, i break down sometimes but as of now, i havent talked to her in like 2 weeks and haven't responded to her emails or text messages. I still really want to but she is working on starting a relationship with someone else and tells me she sees me as nothing more than a freind that she really cares about. So im out. Im not gonna talk to her. I love her still; love her enough to let her go. But it will be really hard. I still hold on to hope even though i know i shouldn't. Its just hard to be told so many different opinions and so many different messages about what she is thinking or doing and then to not take what you want to hear as a possibility. Gordon, if you are with me on this, talk to me on aim.. Name is Gurustick.
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