Roarz Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Ugh, I just don't know how to bring myself closure on this. I keep feeling like it's my fault since I'm the one who didn't get what they wanted, but at the same time I don't know what I could have done differently. Sometimes I think it's the whole religion thing...she was a christian and I wasn't, but she never told me that was important to her at the end. I didn't even get a chance at trying to "compromise" and seeing if I could become one for the sake of the relationship. I don't even know why it's important, it doesn't change the person I am one way or the other. It's like, if I would have labeled myself with that everything would have been ok. Or maybe not, maybe that was just an excuse for her. I just know I never did anything wrong to hurt her and yet I still get burned in the end for not being good enough. And if you can be with someone for 2 years, how can a problem like that just come up? I mean, it's not like it was a surprise fact that was sprung on her. It just doesn't make sense. I just wish I would have been given a chance to at least work on any problems she thought we had...I thought that's what real love was about. I don't know why she acted horrible to me afterwards either...she said it wast just because I didn't give her space after the breakup, but even when I did (I let her initiate everything after a while) she still acted like she wanted to make me jealous, even up until the time I finally told her to f*** off and stay out of my life. Why would someone who dumped you want to make you feel jealous? They already got what they wanted, which was to get out. If anything it should be the other way around. And on that topic, I know I handled the start of the aftermath badly by being clingy, but I am on the fence about afterwards, when I started to just back off. I mean, she apologized for being an ass afterwards and I said I would need time to forgive and I just didn't want to talk for a while, but then it was like every week I'd get an IM asking if I forgave her. Why would it even matter, 2 months after and with her having a new boyfriend, which she wasn't at all shy about telling me, even when I told her to stop doing that crap. When she told me that, I just flipped out and asked her why she had to tell me that, and I got the same response as the last times "Oh I didn't think you'd care since you don't give a **** about me anymore". I just blew up then and told her to stay out of my life, which sometimes I don't know was the right thing to do. I mean, I have to protect myself first and foremost, but then there's always the forgive and forget thing. I am just unsure if I did the mature thing in the end. I just don't understand what would motivate her to tell me things like that. What is the point of gloating over someone who is already sad over you breaking up with him. Like it's an accomplisment to replace our 2 year relationship in 2 months. It just sucks that everything is going perfectly for her and not for me at all. Apparently this guy is the "right guy" and although she "didn't want a bf at the time, the right guy just happened to come along" and knowing fate, it will drive the nail in fully with him probably being the guy she will marry. One of the main reasons I came to this one college was because this was the one she was going to. I am transferring next semester to be with my friends, but I still have to finish out the semester here, in a place I absolutely hate. I hate it even more now because it's like a constant reminder that she's almost a stone's throw away at any given time. I am just having a really hard time coming to any conclusions about anything that has gone on in the past few months of my life. I wish I could understand why I want her so much, when she is the way she is to me. In the times we had contact, she would be so nice but still manage to slip something in about her relationship. It's like I feel weak for not being able to be friends at all, or to be not be able to be over this after all this time. I just want to hate her so much and part of me does, but part of me also wants her back so much and I don't know why. I know it will never happen after our last "friendly" talk and that makes it feel like it's my fault also, like I ruined any chance of reconciliation. I want to actually believe there wasn't anything I could have done to change things, but I can't help thinking there was. And I want to know why I got shafted up the ass even after doing the best I could to have a good relationship. I mean, maybe because it was her first real relationship, after getting screwed a few times in the future she will come back, but knowing life this will be like the best guy ever and it will turn out happily ever after for her. And that isn't fair at all, but I guess it's just how it is. Sorry for the long rant. I know I rambled alot in it, but I just had to get all these feelings off my chest. I know no one here can fix things, or tell me she will contact me in the future and it will be ok, but sometimes its just good to let it all out I guess.
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