preferwhispers Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Been around for a few months lurking. Here we go: A year ago I moved into a new apartment and needed to find a roommate. A friend of a friend moved into the other room. First time I lived with a girl, and within a month and a half we were dating. Great girl. A little dark and moody, but so am I. After a while, she moved in with some other girlfriends because we didn't want the whole forced marriage thing to ruin the relationship, and also because relationships tend to end, and it wouldn't be much fun to be living together at that time. Everything was still going pretty well for months. Our problems boiled down to this: some insecurity on my part when she would get in bad moods, which resulted in me pushing too much to find out what was wrong when it would be smart to just let it go. ("Tell me what's wrong." "What's wrong is that you keep asking me what's wrong.") Another problem is that even after moving out, we literally saw each other every day. So the days when you feel like crap after a bad day at work, we shared those moping around and watching TV. Not smart. So she was becoming more distant and detached (and maybe I was too?). Which circled back into me asking what was going on. (Vicious cycle, yes?) About a month ago (and 2 weeks before I was going to [foreign country] with her for her brother's wedding) we had a heart to heart and realized this was getting messed up, so we decided to build in some distance. I planned on seeing her about a week later, a Friday. She made it until Wednesday before suggesting we hang out, and I obliged. The distance thing was over. Last night we were in her bed and I could sense she was upset. I gave her an out, if she's not happy, we should break up. She took it. She was in tears, crying, hugging. She mentioned we had a lot of stuff to exchange, and wondered aloud what she should do about writing my mother a thank-you for her birthday gift. I was stoic. I could not bear to stay so I told her I loved her and walked out. According to a mutual friend, she has spent today packing up my things and making sure that no more mail would come to my (her old) apartment. I have never experienced such a calm and organized breakup. It is terrible. I feel that our problems are minor, and could be addressed if we actually set out to do that. But based on her behavior over the past 12 hours, I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen. I know that I "should" just leave her alone, but one thing is nagging at me: because I said almost nothing after she made her decision, and displayed almost no reaction, I wonder if she thinks that this is what I want. Which it isn't. She should know that given my eagerness to repair our relationship (which, by the way, tends to make it worse), but perhaps she thinks I've given up. Don't know what to do.
UT_longhorn Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 it seems that the time apart might be good for both of you. from what i've learned the first break up usually isnt the last. she may come back after regretting her decision. maybe not. but i think you both need some time away form each other to think on the situation. not just a week or so, but a few weeks. this will give you a better perspective on the relationship and it will for her as well. if both of you were being more distant and detached, was this relationship on the road to the end anyway? take some time to think before making any decisions. if she wants to work things out..you will definately know.
Author preferwhispers Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 yes. it was on the road to the end. but was positive enough to believe that it was not a forgone conclusion. there were no serious issues that needed addressing, we just needed to be careful, and weren't. fearing that the impending advice would be "don't call her, no matter what," I quickly called her. how's that for being grateful? I figured that it was soon enough that it wasn't totally unanticpated/unwelcome. i needed to judge her reaction. well i got my wish. she is done, it seems. we are planning for an orderly exchange of belongings, and she feels lousy but expects that it won't be bad for more than a few weeks. ME: "this is not how I want it to go" HER: "well, this isn't how i wanted it either, but it has to be this way." as expected, conversation ended awkwardly as we had the urge to share feelings as we always normally would. she said we should not lean on each other now. i agreed. i sounded mostly upbeat, probably in denial. her attitude was as expected, but certainly a blow (hoping for some change of heart, of course). in retrospect I think it was not the worst thing in the world to call her. in a brief conversation, i found out what i needed to find out, portrayed my feelings calmly, and now have no reason to talk to her again until the exchange date comes. as i sit here and type this i realize i am in complete denial of what just happened.
UT_longhorn Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 prefer... i dont know if you know the stages of grieving/loss but denial is the first stage. it'll be short ... and the oddest thing is that its not that painful. the first day after my breakup...i thought to myself hey ...this isnt so bad. i can handle this. then came the next few weeks (where i'm still at) is where it gets tough. brace yourself man. you're at the calm before the storm. i know this sounds kind of rediculous, but take my advice...go do some grocery shopping now for alot of drinks, and easy to prepare / eat food. some sleeping pills. youre not going to want to do much for the next few weeks. your appetite will go to crap. your sleeping will be deprived. if you've been lurking for a few months...you know that no contact is the way to go. youre going to play...replay...and replay events in your mind. all the what ifs, i could haves, i should haves will float through your mind. wondering what shes doing. wondering how shes feeling. but you MUST not contact her. if she respects you, she will not contact you. if she does contact, tell her not to if she respects you as it will hurt you more. (Unless shes serious about reconciliation) you've got a tough road ahead of you man. keep posting. the community here is a great help. keep reading. when my break up first happend...all i did was look in the second chances section .. looking for ways to reconcile. i suggest you try your best not to hold on to hope. the chances are usually pretty slim. good luck man. if this is any comfort...there are millions that have gone through this before and maybe you have as well...and things WILL get better.
gfto Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I know that I "should" just leave her alone, but one thing is nagging at me: because I said almost nothing after she made her decision, and displayed almost no reaction, I wonder if she thinks that this is what I want. Which it isn't. She should know that given my eagerness to repair our relationship (which, by the way, tends to make it worse), but perhaps she thinks I've given up. She knows what you want, but she doesn't care. She's finished with you. That's all that matters. But, I have to commend you on saying nothing and displaying no reaction! Outstanding! Most guys would have sat there and whined about how they can change. Now, it's time for no contact.
Author preferwhispers Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Day 2 UT - I think your advice was good, in retrospect. Today has been difficult to say the least. I am surprised at how many things can jog my memory of our shared experiences. I literally can't go more than a few minutes without being shuttled to some moment in the past. I received a text message at 1:30 am last night. It said: "This is the hardest thing I've ever done." I did respond, despite whatever strategic ramifications there may be, with: "Yes. It's shocking. Keep thinking I'll wake up..." That ended the exchange. Sitting here now, I'm thinking her message was no sign of remorse/regret, but was meant to alleviate her guilt. Even now, though, I don't think I would just ignore a message like that. I'm not sure how that would be productive, for one, and also because despite the fact that I am upset that she has left, it didn't come from out of nowhere. She truly believes that it is best for us. She may be right, I just don't know, although my hope is that she is not. My short/long term goals: (1) to not initiate any contact on my own; (2) to be thoughtful in responding to contact (i.e. strong, not desperate responses as well as deciding whether any is appropriate); and (3) to start becoming the person I want to be, whether she benefits from that or someone else. It all sounds great until I catch a glimpse of a tub of hummus and my heart breaks...
Author preferwhispers Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 She knows what you want, but she doesn't care. She's finished with you. That's all that matters. But, I have to commend you on saying nothing and displaying no reaction! Outstanding! Most guys would have sat there and whined about how they can change. Now, it's time for no contact. I appreciate the commendation, but for others who read these posts, I think it's fair to say that the "she doesn't care" response is pretty reactionary. She may indeed be finished with me, but we didn't become bitter enemies starting the night before last. Don't you think?
Author preferwhispers Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 you guys are going to love this. I told you she started out as my roommate. I put up temporary walls and I wrote poems and speeches all over them in marker (because I can!). Shortly after she moved in she wrote one thing on her wall in her old room. It is a poem by Pablo Neruda. For the first time in almost a year, I read it today: Saddest Poem I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars, and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance." The night wind whirls in the sky and sings. I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. On nights like this, I held her in my arms. I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her. How could I not have loved her large, still eyes? I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her. To hear the immense night, more immense without her. And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass. What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her. The night is full of stars and she is not with me. That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away. My soul is lost without her. As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her. My heart searches for her and she is not with me. The same night that whitens the same trees. We, we who were, we are the same no longer. I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her. My voice searched the wind to touch her ear. Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once belonged to my kisses. Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her. Love is so short and oblivion so long. Because on nights like this I held her in my arms, my soul is lost without her. Although this may be the last pain she causes me, and this may be the last poem I write for her.
UT_longhorn Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 prefer.... i dont think its easy for her either. im sure its difficult for her as well, but the thing is...they get over it quicker. she has to respect ur feelings man. those texts from her or calls from her will only slow your healing. and i agree...it would be incredibly difficult (as well as kind of rude) to not respond at all...but if she does continue to contact you, i would ask her to stop. she will use it as a crutch to get over you while in the process leave you with more questions and a delayed healing process.
Author preferwhispers Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 this is interesting. yesterday at about 5pm she emailed me a light email about getting her stuff back. also saying it's hard b/c she no longer has her best friend (me), asking how I am, asking about the dog. i figured i would wait until the next day to write back about her stuff and ignore the other questions. well, about 11:30pm she sends me a text: "So then no response to my email? u ok?" I didn't write back, and at 12:30am i get this :"Ok, fine. But a word. U are killing me. I'm wrong, i'm at fault, but please." I'm still going to respond to the email today in the same way, and tell her i didn't get her messages until this morning (won't tell her why). Meanwhile, i'm trying to analyze that last message.... what do you think?
Touche Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 In my opinion, she wants to see that you're miserable. If she knows you're miserable it will make her getting over you easier. If she doesn't get that satisfaction, it's not going to be easy for her and she may even want to reconcile. Play it cool (but not rude) like you have. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you weak. After all, this was HER decision, not yours.
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