ConfusedInGA Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Without going too much into history of my marriage (sorry, don't have the energy now), would love some advice on how to get past hurt feelings and truly forgive someone. Spouse left me and child, saying divorce was inevitable and though he still loved me he no longer wanted to be married to me. A few months later he wanted to reconcile and I jumped at the chance. What I found out then is what continues to hurt. It was bad enough that I felt abandoned and so depressed. But to then find out that he'd hooked up with a coworker within a couple weeks of leaving and continued a physical fling for the next few months and also had another one night stand... well it just eats at me. I chose not to be with anyone and yet was near suicidal for a bit of time and so alone. Since being back together, husband just wants me to let go, move forward, embrace the future. But he's been defensive about his wrong doings and gets annoyed and frustrated by my low emotional moments. Is it wrong for me to want him to feel like he has something to prove to me now? We were both at fault for not making our marriage a good one to begin with and though I never would've opted to walk out on him, I tried to respect that he was so shut down it was what he had to do. But now, now I want him to truly be remorseful for crapping on our marriage and being so suddenly single and then coming back knowing I was there all along waiting for him. I'm usually a strong-willed, confident, vibrant person and these days I feel like a complete fool. help
CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Is it wrong for me to want him to feel like he has something to prove to me now? Absolutely not. Have you gotten to the bottom of why he wanted to end the marriage? My guess is so he could have the fling, realized it wasn't all that and then remembered what he was losing. IMHO, he has a lot of explaining, apologizing and making up to do. We were both at fault for not making our marriage a good one to begin with and though I never would've opted to walk out on him, I tried to respect that he was so shut down it was what he had to do. But now, now I want him to truly be remorseful for crapping on our marriage and being so suddenly single and then coming back knowing I was there all along waiting for him. I'm usually a strong-willed, confident, vibrant person and these days I feel like a complete fool. I would only call you a fool IF and only IF you did not resolve why he wanted to leave and you both are committed, 100%, to correcting the issues. Have you been to marriagebulders dot com? There's some great stuff in there. Also, I would recommend "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. Great advice in there for dealing with infidelity issues. Personally, if I was married and my wife did this to me, there would be no second chances. I do believe if they will cheat once, they will do it again and because for me, trust is so important, once it's broken it's very, very hard to repair.
Author ConfusedInGA Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 He left because he said he was feeling unloved by me. We've had a hot/cold marrige for years. Neither of us put the real effort into our relationship that was needed...but I'll admit I was more at fault for this than him at first. Then, the "too little, too late" line and "I love you but don't see us ever being happy together" and he's gone. He swears nothing was going on with this woman before he left and I'm 99.9% certain of that. He says she pursued him and it was just an easy romp basically. He was not dating her at all. He says he is remorseful for what he did but that I just have to move on from it now. But I expect him to follow through on that remorse and make me feel truly, remarkably special again. He has said thank you for never giving up but then says hateful things during arguments which override the good. Basically, he's justified his actions of leaving by saying I wasn't a good wife for years. If that's the case, why would he want to come back at all? I truly believed he was "working on himself during the separation" even if it meant we'd never be back together. To find out he was actually just living life as a single guy again... it's so darn hard to get past. I want to move on and embrace our life now. I truly do and I truly believe it can be wonderful. I don't want my feelings to be minimized and I'm so resentful that he wasn't going above and beyond in repairing my hurt when he first came back. It's been a few months now and I feel more resentful now than before.
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