SmallWonder Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Um. I am dating this guy and we've been talking for almost 2 months. I feel we have a strong emotional connection. We're both divorced and neither of us has had sex in a long time (it's been 2 years for him)... I slept over for the first time last week and things got physical.... The problem: He couldn't "rise" to the occassion. The question: Is it possible that it was perfomance anxiety? Can he/we recover from this? We've joked about it since and he said that "next time, you're in trouble..." Has this happend to anyone else out there or are we DOOMED????
slubberdegullion Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Chill. Happens to everyone. Could be performance anxiety, could be that you and he are too new and he's nervous, maybe he was just tired & had a headache or something. Relax. De-stress. Have a cigar.
l2hvn Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Omg! That's horrible! But funny! I'm sorry... It reminded me of Charlotte from Sex and The City. Although I would refrain from making jokes about his "performance." I would give it another try. It may just be that he was really nervous. Or he may have a sexual dysfunction. So give it another try. If it happens again, then he might have a problem (physically/psychologically). And yes, it has happened to me before. I thought it was me that was the problem and took it as an offense. I soon realized it wasn't me. It was him.
Moose Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I'd take it as a good sign. He's divorced, correct? He's was used to having to be loyal to one woman, his wife. He's just not used to being able to share that part of himself with someone else. So yes, I'd say performance anxiety in the form that he's hesitant about being able to share with someone new.
SmoochieFace Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I'd take it as a good sign. He's divorced, correct? He's was used to having to be loyal to one woman, his wife. He's just not used to being able to share that part of himself with someone else. So yes, I'd say performance anxiety in the form that he's hesitant about being able to share with someone new. You take that as a *good* sign???
SmoochieFace Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 That doesn't explain why it can taken as a *good* sign. If someone is having *difficulties* and either he or his partner is seeking out advice then it would make sense to say that there is a problem and that it isn't *good*.
Moose Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Sure, a good sign. Men who've been married for a lenth of time tend to be reserved around other women. There's a loyalty factor involved. Sharing something that used to be off limits to all except his wife is a little tough to get used to when you've been a faithful husband.
SmoochieFace Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Sure, a good sign. Men who've been married for a lenth of time tend to be reserved around other women. There's a loyalty factor involved. Sharing something that used to be off limits to all except his wife is a little tough to get used to when you've been a faithful husband. But isn't his *loyalty* to his XW over now that they are divorced???
Moose Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 But isn't his *loyalty* to his XW over now that they are divorced???You would think so. But I really don't think it's something you can just forget about instantly. I'm just trying to put myself in this guy's shoes. After being with Mrs. Moose for, like, ever.....I don't know how well I would fare getting with another woman. It would take a great deal of time for me to be that comfortable with anyone else.
SmoochieFace Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 You would think so. But I really don't think it's something you can just forget about instantly. I'm just trying to put myself in this guy's shoes. Valid point. However, the guy in question perhaps shouldn't have gotten involved with someone if he isn't truly ready for it. It isn't fair to either party.
Author SmallWonder Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 Well, I feel a little better. I kept thinking the problem was ME. My friend (yes, I shared it with my only other single friend) told me that the problem could be that intimidated him. I am not sure I believe that either, but maybe the situation did intimidate him because as I mentioned, he has referessed it several times during conversations and in emails. It's like it never happened kind of and we're both looking forward to our next night together... But my friend told me that it's doomed because the "pressure is on". I'm hoping that's not true....
lilmoma1973 Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Omg! That's horrible! But funny! I'm sorry... It reminded me of Charlotte from Sex and The City. Although I would refrain from making jokes about his "performance." I would give it another try. It may just be that he was really nervous. Or he may have a sexual dysfunction. So give it another try. If it happens again, then he might have a problem (physically/psychologically). And yes, it has happened to me before. I thought it was me that was the problem and took it as an offense. I soon realized it wasn't me. It was him. Yeah that is the same thing i thought about as well when Charlotte h couldn't rise to the occasion the night before their wedding from Sex in the City.. I think it has to do anxiety of being with someone and wanting to please them in everyway and when it comes down to it can't !! I'm sure this happens to alot of men cause they think about it so much and have it on the brain it messes with their mind .. Just as l2hvn it is all in the mind and that is why he couldn't rise to the occassion .. If it continued to happen then that will be a problem!!
Tiny Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Yep have to admit it, happens to me too I think it's something to do with what Moose says, and the fear of failure in a new relationship, I forget about the "moment" and start thinking of the fear of if it goes soft, which it of course inevitably does, it always fkn happens BUT as soon as I feel relaxed a little, all is well, it's sorta like I can't perform until I know the women wants more from me than just sex, after that I can't get enough lol it's a wierd thing but at least i'm honest
mel777 Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 My last boyfriend...same thing. He had been divorced and w/o sex for about a year and a half and he couldn't rise to the occasion either the first time. While we didn't have a problem after, and he told me it had been becuase he was nervous I thought then that he wasn't over his ex-wife, He swore up and down he was but alas I broke up with him about six months ago becuas ehe wasn't. So, just watch out for other signs, if he speaks about her always in the negative (shows he hasn't accepted any resposibility and he is bitter), etc. If not then just chalk it up to anxiety. However, since he couldn't perform tell me he was a gentleman and still made you "take off" in other ways. That would also say a lot about him.
GeeSorryAboutthat Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I had the same problem the first time with my GF. I didnt have a problem with getting up, just getting done if you know what I mean. I guess I was nervous, after that it was smooth sailing. I think the fact that he joked about it is a good sign since I did the same thing. I was surprised because I did not expect it to happen to me, and I had no problem joking about it.
maggiemay Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I had the same issue with my current BF, we were both coming off of a divorce. The first few times we attempted he was unable to "rise" to the ocasion. After the first time we just focused on me to keep the pressure off him. It turned out he had a prostate infection. Now sex is so great.
helena abadi Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 I can't perform until I know the women wants more from me than just sex, after that I can't get enough lol it's a wierd thing but at least i'm honest no, it's not a weird thing at all. my SO had severe performance anxiety if he thought that's all i wanted from him. i learned quickly to be subtle and reassure his feelings about wanting his company etc. he was quite sensitive about it, and i couldn't act too sexually aggressive. being sensitive towards him, and cherishing him as a person first was really important to him and i just loved responding the right way to his needs.
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