nightowl Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I ended a relationship with a commitment phobic man yesterday. My story is in dating, here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80255/ I am feeling sad today, and somewhat regretful, and I'm wondering if I should have been more patient. I also feel relieved though, because I was being hurt. I need to stay strong and not contact him, so I'm here for some support in this regard. Anyone else going through this right now too? 1
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Yeah, I'm going through basically the same thing. Boyfriend of eight months broke up with me on the phone last weekend while I was recovering at home with pneumonia. Said he was overwhelmed with his life. Still loves me, cares about me, doesn't want to hurt me, blah, blah, blah...but can't be with me, can't be in a relationshp right now, so "we're done". Whatever. This after months of telling me how much he loves me. I've been a wreck. Blindsided. Completely destroyed. We're in our thirties...I expect this kind of immaturity from someone in high school. Actually, I think a teenager is probably more emotionally mature than he is. I struggle every day with not sending him emails to tell him how hurt and broken I am because of what he's done.
Author nightowl Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 I heard the exact same lines. They are really immature. My boyfriend way back in highschool was much more mature. I was thinking about that this morning actually. It is as though they are 'boys' and their needs come first, and we are supposed to somehow be okay with that. It's just so weird and unnatural to me. I just couldn't maintain a relationship that was causing me to feel so badly and so insecure! You are being really strong by not contacting him. You deserved better. I can't believe he broke up with you over the phone! What a coward! That is just so wrong!
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Yeah, he even used the "It's not you, it's me" line. And I even remember having a conversation with him about how cowardly it is to break up with someone over the phone once you've been on more than a handful of dates. We were in an eight month relationship -- seems more deserving of an in-person conversation. And it's not like he would have to travel far to do it...he lives right next door -- which makes this thing especially hard for me, because I have to see his car, and when his light is on, and have the potential of running into him. Be glad that you at least have some physical distance from your ex, which won't hinder your recovery process.
CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Yeah, he even used the "It's not you, it's me" line. That's a copout. It's you, he just isn't man enough to admit it. And I even remember having a conversation with him about how cowardly it is to break up with someone over the phone once you've been on more than a handful of dates. We were in an eight month relationship -- seems more deserving of an in-person conversation. And it's not like he would have to travel far to do it...he lives right next door -- which makes this thing especially hard for me, because I have to see his car, and when his light is on, and have the potential of running into him. Be glad that you at least have some physical distance from your ex, which won't hinder your recovery process. He's a coward. Too afraid to tell you how he really feels and isn't man enough to break things off in person. Not much of a man, is he?
riobikini Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 RE: JenJen: " Yeah, he even used the "It's not you, it's me" line." And that's supposed to make you feel all better and whip out the forgiveness papers right away??? Hmmmmm. These men are losers, although there are some who want to run to their rescue and defend them. Some of their pitiful excuses are based on having to take time to 'find' themselves, -hey!- by the time you own a freakin' driver's license, you are supposed to know how to NOT lead someone on!!! In any romantic relationship lasting more than two or three dates, you begin building up certain responsibilities. Some of them just happen to be a real concern about what the other person is feeling and expecting, -THAT calls for TALKING about it, CLARIFYING those expectations, and figuring out if you're on the SAME FRIGGIN' PAGE!!!! If you are not, then, at least you know where you stand and can make a few decisions about whether to continue the relationship or not. But there are those who go to great lengths to avoid the TALK, figuring that, with the real truth exposed about their absent feelings and their true purpose for the relationship in the first place, you won't hang around knowing the truth. And they're right! -No one wants to be in a 'go-nowhere', abusive relationship! They do it just so they can keep you accessible to meet their needs. Misleading someone just for that purpose is cruel. Both should know what the relationship is about and have knowledge of the depth of feelings being formed in either partner, -and respect, and consideration given to them throughout the continuing relationship. Having the knowledge about the status and goals of the relationship are SUPOSSED to be expressed to determine whether or not it should even continue. It's just common decency....which, by the way, is obviously, not so common, after all. -Rio
LawGirl Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 RE: It's just common decency....which, by the way, is obviously, not so common, after all. -Rio Amen - definately NOT common!
Jester9983 Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Seriously, I just made a post on here the other day about a girl that I have been dating for awhile that is a "runner"...weird when women are like that huh? I am accepting (slowly) that I cannot change anything, I did not do anything wrong and the only thing I was guilty of was loving her (and I shouldn't feel guilty about that, most people would love to have that). I am tired of letting myself be upset and miserable, it affects my life, my health, my work, everything and is not worth it...it's easy to say that, but so so hard to really accept it and I am getting better at accepting it. So, it is very difficult for me and I would like ask a question too...I am thinking about starting NC with her but we have so many friends that are in common and they do a lot of things together. I don't want to take myself out of everyone's lives but I will have to see her if I am around them... But I do relate to the whole thing. And it is good (in a sick way I guess) that this place exists so we don't feel so alone and realize that this happens to other good people too! So I will try and be strong with you! Maybe we all need to unite together here and get through this thing!
DogBrain Posted February 4, 2006 Posted February 4, 2006 Rio Said... These men are losers, although there are some who want to run to their rescue and defend them. Ha - it was a woman that did that to me --- Even the phone breakup thing - after being "unavailable for a month and then canceling a planned date because she was "sick." When she called me the next morning to "see if you're ok" I told her she was a coward - "Oh, no," she protested "our connection is so strong." In any romantic relationship lasting more than two or three dates, you begin building up certain responsibilities. Some of them just happen to be a real concern about what the other person is feeling and expecting, -THAT calls for TALKING about it, CLARIFYING those expectations, and figuring out if you're on the SAME FRIGGIN' PAGE!!!! Oh cripes - when what was supposed to be a casual thing turned out to have far stronger feelings than either of us anticipated, I asked her "what is this, where are we going"? She had made her boundaries clear at the beginning, and I adhered to them - and she just kept pushing for more, more, more "Let's just see what happens" was her reply. I should have walked out right then and there. But there are those who go to great lengths to avoid the TALK, figuring that, with the real truth exposed about their absent feelings and their true purpose for the relationship in the first place, you won't hang around knowing the truth. And they're right! -No one wants to be in a 'go-nowhere', abusive relationship! After she got "sick", I wrote her a note stating that her on-again off-again behavior was inappropriate for a relationship as deep as she said this one was ("I love you and care deeply for you and never want to hurt you." uh-huh)--- then I DIDN't email it because I had insisted we do the "major" stuff face-to-face. Two days later she calls me late at night while I am driving home and breaks it off. "It's not you, it's me" she said. She was dead right with that one. They do it just so they can keep you accessible to meet their needs. And I SO see that now, but as I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago, this was a lesson I never needed to learn. It's just common decency....which, by the way, is obviously, not so common, after all. Rio, you rock. If I ever come across a woman with the emotional maturity that you exhibit, I'm supergluing myself to her on the spot!! db
riobikini Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 RE: DogBrain: " Rio, you rock. If I ever come across a woman with the emotional maturity that you exhibit, I'm supergluing myself to her on the spot!!" Alas! -a man who likes mature women! (Smile) -Rio
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