Just Visiting Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Hi everyone; I just felt like posting and getting some stuff out as I am feeling sad and lonely for my ex. We broke up almost 4.5 months ago. There are times when I really miss and want to hear from him so bad. However, before we split, he was saying how he wasn't happy and needed time to himself. He would like to talk and sort it out later. I was going through some personal stuff at the same time. My nephew died accidentally, my mom in the hospital, and a good friend died due to breast cancer. It was one thing after another with my family and friends. Plus I had ongoing emotional issues with my past and they were rearing it's ugly head. What hurt me the most was going through all of that, my ex was not there for moral support. And we were living together! He didn't come with me to visit my mother or attend my nephew's funeral. I am a kind, caring woman and whenever he needed someone, I was there for him. There were times when it was tough, and I considered leaving the relationship. But I stuck it out because I really cared for him. When it came time that I needed support, he basically stuck his head in the sand. I was literally reaching out for him and he walked away. That's when I knew it was time to leave. For the most part our relationship was good. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, so compatible. His son and family were so accepting of me, it felt good to be seen as part of them. We are alike in so many ways. Looking back, we jumped into it too fast. We spent almost every waking moment with each other, and it took it's toll. I think we smothered our relationship to death. After we split, I was in shock for a good two months. Especially after all the other things that went on. And I was very very hurt by him pushing me away. I didn't want to talk to him at all but he IMd me a couple of times. He made a gift for me (he started it before we split) and wanted to know how he can send it. I told him thanks but no thanks. I didn't want anything from him. That was about 2.5 months ago and was the last time we had any sort of conversation. Due to a previous devastating breakup, I vowed to really learn from my mistakes and not wallow in self-pity for too long. It took me almost two years to fully recoop from that one and there is no way I want to do that again. So since mid-September, I have been reading spiritual & relationship books, some counselling, attended a church recovery group, praying, and alot of reflecting. I have made quite abit of headway in terms of emotional growth. A part of me wants to talk and get to know my ex again. The other part feels that he isn't a real friend as he wasn't there when I needed moral support. I should just learn and move on. I really want to forgive him as I see that this break up was an opportunity to heal certain parts of myself. Everything happens for a reason, I am a strong believer inthat. Looking back, I remember feeling inadequate, low self-esteem, fears, and insecurities. Especially within a relationship. I basically gave up my identity in order to keep him happy. As you all know,it is very self-defeating and ugly. I am currently going through the emotional tug-of-war. I have moments where I want to re-initiate contact. And another part feels that maybe his part in my lifestory is over, and he has moved on. Also, he wanted time and space, so I am going to honour that. I find it strange that he hasn't talked about our break up to any of his friends or family. Even his mom didn't know why we broke up. He basically clammed up. Yet when he broke up with his son's mom, he would always talk it over with someone. So I don't know if he really cared for me as much as he said. I miss his companionship and when it is time to get off work, I get sad. I used to look forward to going home and hang out with him. We spent alot of time with his son and parents. The five of us were always doing things together. Maybe I am just pining for something that was. He has kept me on his MSN list but I have deleted him off mine. It was too hard seeing him and wondering who he is talking to. Thanks everyone. 1
riobikini Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Dear Just Visiting, First of all, someone should give you a quick hug right now, -so there> (Smile) Look, you have already come a long way in dealing with your break-up, and it would be a shame to do any back-tracking now. In addition to the break-up, you have also dealt with a lot of serious, painful emotions having to do with permanent loss of a loved one, tragic illness, etc, -you name it, -you've been dealing with it. No wonder you are just now getting back to you! You have tramped through the jungle of emotions in the acute stage of post-breakup blues, you have been sidetracked by agonizing and exhausting multiple family crisis, deep sadness, and loss, and, quite frankly, I find it amazing you are still 'together'. You are obviously a very strong woman. Whether you realize it or not, you have made much progress, but because of the shock that occurred when the break first happened, and the family crisis that soon followed, you may be suffering from a case of 'delayed-reaction' emotions. Delayed reactions happen when everything is in 'overload' and there is just too much for your poor heart and mind to take on all at once, -it's either a learned, or sometimes, automatic coping method our minds use to 'prioritize' significant issues in the order they are to be dealt with. Your family came first. Now, you are going back to deal with whatever emotional threads that need tying up from your broken relationship. In may appear that, considering what you've been through in dealing with the issue of death and serious illness, this break-up business should be a piece of cake. Wrong! It still has the ability to suck you in deep and make you miserable, just as it did when it first happened. The most significant difference you will find in having to deal with a delayed reaction, is that your ex may have already progressed farther than you in his recovery, leaving you feeling a bit more 'abandoned', or left behind. This may be more difficult to deal with and may require a bit more determination in letting go. The key is actively pursuing closure. Get a plan together and stick to it: encircle your friends and family around you like a wagon train in defense position, take time out in each day for two major 'must-haves', #1) positive reflection time, #2) intense physical activity, and start pampering yourself like crazy, just to name a few. I have left you with some helpful links from this forum relating to your circumstances which may help you in your recovery. Before I leave you, I want to both console you and congratulate you on your journey, so far. You have been through much heartbreak and sadness, and I am amazed and impressed with your caring and your strength. " One can endure sorrow alone, but it takes two to be glad." - Elbert Hubbard You are moving on, -I am glad for you. (Smile) Below are the links. Take Care. -Rio Delayed Emotional Responses After Break-up http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=671472#post671472 Withrawal Stages Following A Break-Up http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=659934&postcount=6 Feeling Lost After A Break-Up http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=675161&postcount=25 Break-up: Getting T-H-R-O-U-G-H I-T!!! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=666271&postcount=1
Author Just Visiting Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 I just finally read your response Rio and very touched. Since I wrote that posting, I found out that my ex has a new gf. Apparently they started seeing each other about 2 months after our breakup. Evidently, he was already thinking of moving on before we broke up. Like you said, knowing that he was ahead of me in the process makes it more difficult. I don't feel that I was a terrible partner, I did my best with him and I don't know what made him want to part ways. But that is the reality and I am determined to make the best of it. I am lucky to have friends and spiritual counsellors around me. It's hard to believe that it is almost five months (on the 15th) since I left. When I found out about the gf, I was crushed. I came across his profile on hi5 and he had a pic of them posted on it. It felt like he was parading it in front of me (he knew I would come across it eventually). But I remind myself that he is no better off than me, he was just able to find a new partner sooner. I want to heal and regain my self-esteem before I get into another relationship. You're right, I have been told many times that I am a very strong person. To be able to get up and leave a situation where I wasn't being honoured or respected takes a lot of courage. Thank you for replying Rio, I have been following your postings and find them to be very enlightening and comforting.
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