AngelSW83 Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I met my boyfriend at college, and we were best friends for a year before dating. We just had our 3 year anniversary, and he gave me a promise ring for Christmas... but he doesn't care about talking on the phone. He lives in Boston, and I am near New Haven, CT. It's only a few hours, but we both work, so we only get to see each other once a month. Plus he has no car, so train/bus fare is a pain for him; and when I drive to visit him his mother goes so crazy trying to make me feel "welcome" that it actually scares me and backfires. Since we see each other so not often, the only time we get to talk is by phone. He has said a few times that he doesn't like talking on the phone, and doesn't get why it makes me sad to hear him say that. I'm sad because it's my only way to connect with him 27 days of the month. I want to invest in a set of webcams and some software, but he refuses to get anything better than dial-up internet (6 months free w/ his new computer). How do I know he is not going to hate the webcams becuase he looks goofy on camera or anything? No matter how much I tell him how handsome he is and how much I love the sound of his voice, he just keeps cutting our conversations short. If you tell me to break up with him, I'm going to ignore you. When we are together, things are perfect, and I know he cares about me, I just don't know how we can reach some kind of understanding about talking on the phone. I don't mind cutting it short if there is nothing to say. Thanks for reading my ramblings!!
Guest2343 Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Have you talked to him about this? We had that problem, too...he hates talking on the phone. But I pointed out that we needed to stay connected daily because 1) I get lonely and 2) it's important to keep the relationship going. So let me tell you....one semester we didn't talk OR see each other as much. And we drifted. And he asked someone else out. Thank God she said no, but then when I found out things almost ended. It wasn't that he was gonna cheat necessarily...he was just crazy lonely. I pointed out that when we were talking more he didn't feel like that and that we needed to strike a balance. Sometimes we don't have much to talk about, but other times we can talk for an hour or more. Basically, I made him promise to talk to me every day and he's kept the promise. Our relationship has really been affected in a positive way by that change. We also visit more often. Just tell him that you know it doesn't do the same thing for him to talk on the phone....but it's CRAZY important to you. Does he prefer email or writing letters? Maybe spending time on those things can help him avoid the dreaded phone but still communicate with you daily. Another thing...have you looked at the five love languages? It's a religious book, but it's applicable in relationships in general. The love languages are: touch, quality time, words, gifts, and acts of service. Everyone has a primary love language and a secondary one. You can probably pick out yours and he can identify his. Ask him what his are...make sure you understand what is important to the other. WARNING: touch doesn't mean sex....most guys say their primary love language is sex. They love sex....but it doesn't make them feel loved. Touch is more innocent than that. Then, when you know what they are, start communicating your feelings in his language and ask him to be mindful of yours. Quality time is hard with the distance, and for me words really help fill that void. If you tell him that it takes that connection on the phone for you to fill loved maybe he'll take it more seriously or be willing to do the webcam thing. And I know you don't want to break up and I'm not going to say that you should...but you need to realize that if you clearly communicate a need now and he doesn't act like he cares, things won't just change on their own. When you're married someday he'll still put his interests before your needs. It's something you both have to work on and get better at the whole time you're in a relationship. I'm just rambling now...let me know what your thoughts are based on this information. It sucks to be far away but I bet he's worth it.
confused _one Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Im in the same situation that you are in. Men hate phones dont ask me why. Ive been in a long distance from Vancouver Island to Calgary for the past year its tough. Im just trying to deal with it. Tell him he needs to respect that you need your phone time, and with the whole webcam thing me and my b.f have tried that its a pain and yeah I wouldnt even bother with the whole webcam thing. Id say just talk to him about it. Hope this helps. just hang in there
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 AngelSW83, I really wish that you would go and visit him and sit down with his mother and at least solve permanently that which makes you hesitant to be more drawn to visiting him. His mother goes crazy trying to make you feel welcome (and nothing beyond that) and it scares you and backfires. All parties (including you) will feel better because you were brave enough to sit down with his mother, and explain to her that you can see clearly that she is fully sincere, but that her efforts are slightly intimidating. Let her see your wide-eyed sincerity, and tell her that you enjoy spending time with her and with her son, but that you would like more time to focus on just him. Thank her sincerely for everything, and then, from that, inspire yourself to feel better about visiting your b/f. This won't solve the telephone part, but it will sure let you reclaim one of your options, and perhaps the easiest one. Hope this inspires you to contemplate...
RubixCube28 Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Sorry to say you can't change people on cirtin things.. If he don't like talking on the phone and he dosen't wanna..You bugging him to do so will only make him anoyyed at you.. Sounds like he's eather squeeking on money or.. Kinda cheep when it comes to the high speed internet thing.. And not wanting to pay to take the buss to see you more often.. You will prob never get him to spring for a web cam and use it eather..Yeah some men hate phones and never use them.. I had a bf like that once and yeah I missed the contact.. You guys are like a few hours apart me and him were countrys apart.. Be thank full for that on the other hand.. I now have a guy that calls me all the time.. So there are guys that will take the time to call .. Some how things seam a bit one sided from what you have said.. Like you trying to make things work and him kinda gliding along with it.. I guess the long and shot of it being if your gona stay with some one like that.. Witch you obvesly are hell bent on then.. It's something your just going to have to deal with.. And acept thats just his way.. Eather way Best of Luck to you guys..
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