Makeitstop Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I really hate this...One minute I'm convinced that our divorce is for the best and the second minute I'm crying and screaming because it seems so unfair. Let me start from the beginning: My...stbx and I have had a terrible go at a 4 year marriage. We eloped when we were young. We are both 25 now. In October of '04 I told him that I was leaving because he did not appreciate me or love me. He ignored me. He never did anything with me and yelled at me everytime I would talk to him. I was in mourning for a long time because it seemed like he changed. (He told me later that he did change and had fallen out of love with me at that time.) But when I told him I was leaving, he suddenly wanted to make it work. He started doing all the things I begged him to do for me before. It made me angry and resentful. We went to counseling. But I was too angry to see straight. I was too angry to want to work it out and I needed some time. He didn't want to give me time. He didn't want to give me space. He just wanted us to work it out. I started to resent him more and spent a night out with a guy. We didn't have sex. We talked and kissed a little bit and then I never saw him again. Once he found out he was so angry that he started being really evil to me. Calling me names and telling me he wished that I would die...things like that for three straight months. Then we went back to counseling for 6 weeks but that verbal abuse and my indiscretion caused a wedge between us and he finally agreed with me to separate. We agreed on terms of the separation that we would not date other people and we would court each other. He couldn't move out immediately because of our financial situation but he kept going to counseling and our relationship got worse. He stopped talking to me and withdrew more and more. Then I discovered in his email that he had planned to meet with an online girl in a nearby city for sex. He had also met and been developing an emotional attachment with another girl. When I found out, I told him I knew and he apologized and stopped. 2 months later I go away for the weekend and when I come back I find out that he hasn't been home all weekend. Furthermore, that he spent the weekend at his co-worker's house (a woman 11 years older than him). He spent time with her the next couple of days and didn't even come home. He rode with her to work and the rode with her to her house. Then he came home yesterday to tell me that he and her were developing a relationship together and he wanted a divorce from me and he didn't love me anymore. He had sex with this woman as well over the weekend. Now I don't know what to do. I never wanted a divorce. I admit that I didn't tell him that I cared that often (which is his argument...the he didnt' know I cared), but in my defense, I thought we were trying to work through this. I'm so hurt and surprised. I'm upset. I don't want a divorce. I want him to come home. But I know that after all that we've been through in our entire marriage, family issues, financial issues, things with the kids (we have 2 kids. A toddler and a preschooler who were both premature), and our own issues: that we shouldn't be together. We don't get along and it's gotten so bad that our son has picked up the habit of shouting and pointing his finger at his younger sister. I know it's for the best. But I can't help feeling the way I do. I cry all day sometimes. I just wish he would come home. I do plan on moving soon and so does he. Maybe then things will get better? Help please....
Author Makeitstop Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 I had also, during that period, made it a point not to start any new relationships and letting him know where I was at all times. I wanted to restore his trust in me. Then he broke mine....
brokenherz Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I’m so sorry Makeitstop for your pain and what you go through. It will be very hard for you for a while because he’s left you. Remember that you both weren’t happy for a long time and you both never resolved your problems. He abused you emotionally and nobody deserves that. He seemed very immature and he took the easy way out by finding somebody else. Perhaps you married to early and you both couldn’t handle the responsibilities of marriage and having two children. All I know from families with children that couples wont have that much time for each other in the beginning and you said your marriage wasn’t good from the very beginning. It is not fair for you but the way he treated you wasn’t right and it is probably better that you not together anymore. You are both still very young and I believe you’ll find somebody else that will love you more than him. Right now you can’t see that but give it some time and maybe you find out that he is not the right man for you. On the other hand, if you give him some space and time he might come back later. You wanted the separation so keep on searching what you want. You both have kids together and you’ll see each other. He might miss his family and wants to come back and make it work. The other woman might be a rebound for him; he can’t love her yet. Once you turn a little cold and distant towards him he might wants to work it out with you again. Maybe not. If so you both have to do a lot of counseling. Leave him alone for now and don’t ask him to come back. He has to see it for himself. Meanwhile, think about what you want, do you really want him back did he made you happy all these years? What is good for you and your children? My husband just left me and we are separated for 8 month now. He has a girlfriend now and I’m suffering like you. What I do wrong is that I’m trying everything to get him back even though he made it clear to me that he doesn’t want me. Now I’m trying not to talk to him, so I can get over him. I’m also in therapy and I suggest that you keep on going to therapy by yourself for now. You have kids that need you and love you. You are not alone and you will heal. The faster we accept that we are alone the faster we’ll heal. Everything will be all right at the end. Good luck Makeitstop and be there for your children they need you even more now.
redscorpionsc Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO YOU DO!!! You drop that dog and move on with your life. You are his wife and he could disrespect you like that. NO!NO! His cheating is not your fault, don't allow him to place that on you. He cheated because he wanted too!! It's as simple as that. You need to focus on the welfare of your children, that don't need a mother who is depressed, and not able to do for them. They need a stable environment even if it's not with both parents. He has never wanted to work things out, he pretended to want to work things out to give himself enough time to see where that other relationship was going to end up. You know he's sleeping with this woman, and he could be sleeping with another. And you want him to come home? You don't know what he has been exposed too out there in the world. AIDS is still alive and is moving rapidly. Herpes is another diesease that has no cure. What good are you to your children if you are sick or dead. If you can't be strong for yourself you need to be strong for your children. They are worth it, he's not!! Your son is already duplicating his behavior, don't allow your children to pick up that type of behavior. Get out fast! No guy is worth your, but when you find the one that is..................He wont make you cry. Love yourself first, if you can't love and respect yourself how do you expect others too!
Author Makeitstop Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 He came back home. I asked him to and he did. He knows he's wrong and he got on his knees and begged my forgiveness. But I can't blame him completely either. I fostered a hurt that he had and didn't even realize it. I caused him plenty of pain and never knew really how deep it ran. We've hurt each other plenty. As you said above....we're young. There really isn't much else we can do to each other at this point. He came home because in some measure he wants us to be the family we were meant to be. He broke up with the other woman yesterday and she got fired from her job (she was a co-worker of his). He came home crying and saying that he loves her. He said he doesn't want to be here and he asked how is he going to live without her. The affair was only a month and a half so I know he's feeling withdrawal. My husband feels everything deeply and for that month and a half she met his needs...needs that weren't being met with me. We both have doubts and fears. He is wondering if he's making a mistake trusting me with his heart again or if he made the wrong choice. In time, I'll prove myself worthy of his heart. I'm wondering if he'll find another woman that he's attracted to or if he'll leave me again. In time, my insecurities will be eased. We're going to our first counseling session tonight together. I can honestly say at this point that I love him and I'm willing to do whatever it takes for this marriage to work. He said even though he feels like he shouldn't be here, he knows that he should. He knows that it's the right thing to do. And he knows that I'm not going anywhere. I've told him and shown him proof that I am willing and able to meet his needs. He has in turn accounted for his time and has been completely honest with me. We have also agreed to spend as much time as possible together. We are getting into the habit of being around each other again and of calling each other several times during the day when we aren't together physically. I know we have plenty to work through. But it's not enough to end our marriage. It's not enough to through away our family and the life we've built together. We were happy once. I found proof in his and my journals from the first half of our marriage. When you're going though a storm, it's hard to remember the sunlight. It's easier to compare all your other storms to this one.
brokenherz Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 Good luck to you both. I believe counseling will be the right thing to do. Don’t quit counseling to soon though or else you will end up separated again. You both have a lot to work on wither it is together or individually. Let us know how your marriage is going…
Author Makeitstop Posted February 1, 2006 Author Posted February 1, 2006 It's been a really tough day. I have two choices: Be patient and hope and pray that this man will see how much I love him and that he and I should work on our life together. Or door number 2: Learn to live without him. He keeps telling me that he doesn't love me and that he doesn't want me and he doesn't want to be here. He says he's here because he doesn't want to go to hell over breaking up his marriage. We are both in a religion that frowns on that sort of thing...and well...the Bible says it as well. But that's the only thing keeping him here. He said he was miserable this weekend. Funny but there were moments when I didn't notice. I thought that he had made his choice this weekend when he said that he would give me a second chance. I guess he's going to have to choose over and over again. Maybe that's the definition of commitment. To choose daily to be with that one person. He said that he still wants to remain friends with this woman. I know that if he's friends with her and goes and hangs out with her that he'll never get over her. And our marriage will never thrive. The counsellor said that to us tonight as well. He's not ready to give her up he says. So I choose to be patient. Maybe he'll see what's in front of his eyes. Maybe he won't. Either way, I have to live. I know that we can be happy. I know because I was where he was a year and a half ago. He was where I was. We are standing in each other's shoes right now. If we can just realize that then I know that we have what it takes to meet each other's needs. If not...then you'll hear from me again...boohooing and crying all over the place. We'll see...
Becoming Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com for some extra help with your marriage. It'll help you identify what's lacking in your marriage from both your points of view and how to deal with the affair. Take the emotional needs inventory and compare notes. Good luck.
Author Makeitstop Posted February 2, 2006 Author Posted February 2, 2006 We're never getting back together. He said he had a choice to make two days ago and last night he chose her. I can't believe this. I'm so damn angry. I thought he was the one. I thought that he would be my husband forever. And definitely thought that he would never leave me. At least that's what he told me in the beginning. I held on to that promise he made to me. But he lied. He cheated. He did all the things he told me he would never do. *sigh* now I have to hear his words echo in my head "I don't love you anymore" "I'm leaving for her". Damn him... Well, time for me to remember what it was like when I was with him. How torturous it was for me to be living in his parents house while he sided with them every single time against me. How alone I felt every day at that house. How unloved and unappreciated I was for years. How his mother would take advantage of me and he wouldn't say a word. How his father made me work so hard while I was pregnant that I ended up in premature labor. How he sat on his ass in the beginning of our marriage while I worked, claiming he couldn't find a job. How he suggested we move up to his parent's house so I could be miserable there too. I was miserable for 2 years of our 4 year marriage. Then I started to let go of him. Then he came back to me asking for another chance but the truth is...it was too late. So I treated him badly for another year and a half because payback's a bitch. Then he left and I was miserable. But he left for another woman. He is such a liar. It's hard to remember the bad times when we were together but they were there. He was immature and young and couldn't handle a family. Maybe he finally can now. But I should've let him go a long time ago. We never should've gotten married even. Then I'd at least have my degree by now. I wish I never met him.
Becoming Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 Sorry to hear this has happened to you, but it didn't sound like there was much hope. I happen to think redscorpionsc was right on in saying, You drop that dog and move on with your life. So get angry! You have every right to be angry! You didn't drive him away. You were trying to get your wants/needs met and he wasn't listening. Now maybe you need to learn how to do this better for next relationship, but he wronged you. A lot. So learn from this. Learn that no one deserves to be treated the way he did you. I hope you have proof of the affair. Gather it now. Secure your finances. Go to the bank TODAY! Make sure he can't take money from your babies' mouths to feed his woman jewels. (ok, exaggerated, but, you know what I mean.) Find a shark for a divorce lawyer. Get the money you need from him to go back to school. He deprived you of that for his sake and the sake of his babies, he can pay for it now. Your life's not over. It's just beginning. I know it doesn't feel like that with two small babies. But you can get school loans, put the little ones in child care, and earn your degree. I did, and it was hard, but you can do it, too. Use that anger to stand up for yourself and those babies! It's finally stopped, makeitstop, unless you continue to believe all the BS he's fed you. Take charge of your life now and enjoy! You are sitting in the power seat here. Use your power--not to hurt--but to make things right and whole for you and your children.
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