in love with married man, age gap relationship

[starling]

I have been in a relationship with a married man for the last nine months and now I am at a point where I cannot stand it any longer but dread the consequences of leaving him. After reading a few articles I decided to see if I can get a few opinions from people here. It is obvious that it is 'wrong' to be in a relationship with a married man, but is it always so wrong?

 

I am 19 and he is 43. We 'click' on every level and the age gap is really not so important between us, 'though I have trouble with social and going-out situations in that I get very embarrassed that I am with him as he really looks his age.

The situation here is they have been married for around 9 years and his wife has been clinically depressed for the past 6. One reason he will not leave her is that it is very likely that she will become suicidal and the other is that in a way he still loves her? (though I do not really understand this). Him being married and never leaving his wife was made clear from the very beginning of the relationship and I do not expect him to leave her.

 

We meet around once a week and he spends the day with me (around 8 hours) but has to return home to appear as though he has returned from work. He is good at what he does and currently works full time plus a small business on the side, so spare time is rare - weekends never available.

Holidays are a joke as he must stay at home and visit family &c. And I am currently at university with holidays to be spent back home in HK. These large breaks affect both of us in that we get depressed from being apart for so long.

 

We are in love but there is evidently just no future and it upsets me - his absence, the fact that this is immoral, the jealousy... And this is so selfish but I still have a life to lead, goals to accomplish...

If I left him, he will have nothing but his work. Due to their situation (wife's depression and never wanting to go out, socialise and huge dependency on him - all through marriage he has spent every night at home even if it requires for him to travel up and down the country for business meetings for consecutive days), he has not got a life - hardly any friends no longer time for hobbies...

I don't want to hurt him like that, but right now, both of us are hurting.

He just wants to be loved, is that so wrong? And what should I do? Continue and accept things as they are or break it off?

And of course, there is also a slight chance that all or some of this is a lie in order for him to have a non-commital relationship, but he must be an extremely good conman if that is the case.

[otherlover]

hi...i have been waiting for someone to post a message like this one. I am in a very similar situation as you. I am 18 and am in a relationship with a mm who is 35. I totally and completly understand where you are coming from. As werid as it is..the age does not bother me or him. At times he can be such a guy and slitely immature that it seems like i am with someone my own age or a little older. He has been married for about 10 years but the life he has with his wife confuses me. Why is he still with her if he is so unhappy. Again with me it was pre decided that this would never go anywhere. I am in a dead end relationship with someone who cant give me the attention that i need as his "girlfriend" at times it is very hard and i get upset over it and i get very jealous. We spend as much time as we can together. He told me from the beginning that he would not leave his wife for me and as hard as it is to think about it, ending this will eventually come. Im very scared to because i know that he will be right in the position that he was in before we started our thing. And that makes me upset to think of him as wonderful in so many ways to be unhappy like that. I know how i feel about him and i know how he feels about me, and i know that somewhere out there the single and wonderful for me is still out there...its just hard to break away from him because so many deep feelings are involved. I love how he makes me feel but sometimes i get so hurt that i dont know why im doing this.

Anyway its really great to hear from someone in a very similar situation as me and i hope we can talk some more:)

[starling]

By reading your reply I even started contemplating that it might be the same man with all the similarities in our situations! But obviously I was naive and assumed that this is a unique situation &c. Well, after reading some of the OM/OW threads I've wised up. But not to a point where I know what to do yet.

It is very true about the occasional bouts of immaturity, that is what I love about him also. Yet so much more mature than other men my age.

The problem with my MM is that he does not normally go out at night time and weekends with friends or colleagues so can therefore never spend evenings or weekends with me.

I am not very experienced in clinical depression, but he tells me that it is awful at home as it is like walking on egg shells - never knowing what mood she is in. Have you asked your MM why he does not leave his wife? I have also contemplated that it is a financial thing. Divorces do not come cheap?

 

Have you made any decisions?

To be honest, one reason why I might be subjecting myself to this is that it is such an easy relationship in that we do not see each other often and so when we do it is fresh and just all the good stuff.

 

From reading other threads it is also shown to me that this situation isnt really too different that most of the others. I am here also because of the way he makes me feel - the compliments and that we are in love with each other. Maybe it is just sex for him and he just knows that if he pretends... I dont know. He doesn't seem like a liar to me but I bet all those lying MMs out there don't seem to be liars either.

[whats wrong with me]

I was about to ask if you guys were dating my husband, but the ages didn't match. I used to be in your shoes about 8 years ago. He did leave his wife for me, 5 kids later guess what he's doing?

 

There is a 30 yaer age difference between us. I thought he would never cheat on me... Im young and pretty.

 

Now, Im the one getting older, and he cheats on me. Our relationship sucks. I stay home with the kids and he goes to "work". lokking back I see that I was just a staus, eye candy, flovor of the week, etc..

 

I wish I was still in you position so I could end it with him and find someone my own age. His age still doesn't bother me but you cant teach an old dog new tricks!!

 

I bet you dont listen to me, I wouldn't have. I suggest you go to a womens abuse shelter and talk to a few of the "wive' you'll find MANY of them are younger than their husbands. It seems alot of times older men cant "boss" women their own age so they seem to find naive girls to have a relationship with.

 

I'm not slamming all older men by the way just the crazy ones.

 

I'm probley not the best canidate to tell you this maybe someone else should

[whats wrong with me]

Also (i forgot something) if you end up being the new wife You will always wonder if he's having an affair. "what comes around goes around" Most likely he will be.

[otherlover]

yea isnt that funny..we all think that we are with the same guy lol yea but obviously we arent. The worst part is that we all know what we are doing is wrong..i read other threads and im like ok..i have to stop..but i cant...i love him i love being with him.

Im not sure what the real reason that he is not leaving his wife.. im guessing its because..what would happen after that? hes been with her so long that he said shes more like a best friend then a lover and wife and i can understand that. But what would happen if he left her? its so complicated that it would never work between us. not that this isnt complicated..but its easier then what would happen. I honeslty dont care about the age gap..its more of why couldnt he have met me when he was single...we keep finding new things out everyday like how interesting our lives would be if we were the same age or he was single...we have so much in common and he told me that he loves who he is with me and vice versa..thats why this is soooo hard!

[starling]

I am very much like you, I think of what-if meeting him when he was my age, what if he was single.

I don't know what I would do if he left his wife for me - what if it didn't work out and I would feel responsible. And I know exactly what you mean about how complicated it would get.

Some might say that it's the MM that have the cake and eat it, I'm also having a good slice of the cake because I prefer the situation now than if he leaves his wife - There is no commitment, either of us can walk away.

I cannot begin to imagine what my family would think if I told them that I'm off to marry someone over twice my age. I feel really quite conscious going out with him and he's even said that he notices that I move away from him in public sometimes.

And of course, there is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME's post about not being able to teach old dogs new tricks. I don't personally think that my MM would do that to me but I guess it would always be on my mind if we were together. I'm really very sorry to hear about your situation. What are you doing about it? Have you kicked him out?

I asked what the situation was between them and he said that he loves her like someone would love a member of the family and he's with her because she needs someone to look after her while she's ill. Even if it means that he has to go through her mood swings and stay up until the middle of the night to calm things down.

[JayKay]

It's often easy to sustain the 'being in love' feeling when you don't have to deal with the day-to-day realities of dirty socks, laundry, running a household and his mid-life crises.

 

The statements;

 

"My wife is always depressed...."

 

"I can't leave my wife because..."

 

 

Have been trotted out for centuries. Men use these lines....well, because they can.

 

Irregardless of the degree of truth these lines contain (they may very well have a depressed wife....ever wonder why she's depressed?) the fact is that if a marriage doesn't work, he can choose to leave.

 

He chooses not to leave because it benefits him to stay.

 

It benefits him either in terms of finances or emotional security.

 

 

I tell this story a lot, but I'm going to dust it off and drag it out again;

 

 

I was somewhat friendly with a co-worker (male) at a former job. He'd been cheating on his wife for years. His reasons for cheating on her were that as she grew older and her beauty faded, she'd become obessed with plastic surgery and had lost interest in sex.

 

So he hooked up with a much-younger woman. Rather than work on his marriage.

 

He and the younger woman had been dating for about 5 years. She wanted to move in with him, get married, etc.

 

However, he couldn't do that because he couldn't leave his wife. There were too many finances involved and he didn't want to hurt his kids.

 

He complained TO ME that his girlfriend always wanted to talk about the 'relationship' and where it was going...

 

and quite frankly, it was stressing him out.

 

What he needed...he said....was a good woman who was understanding and fun to be around but who understood the situation, etc etc.

 

In other words, he was making a play for me. He needed a THIRD woman in the mix....just to keep himself in order. In a roundabout way, that's what he was asking. If I'd be willing to be that woman.

 

 

Oh, and this 'friend' I'm referring to....he was 'in love' with his girlfriend...he 'just couldn't give her what she needs' and it was so 'stressful' that he needed ANOTHER girlfriend...'just to get some relief from people's demands'

 

A man who cheats is a man who cheats.

 

 

Be careful ladies.

 

 

And yes, I declined his offer.

[AnchorManagement]

they may very well have a depressed wife....ever wonder why she's depressed?

 

JayKay - This is a little naive. There is normal episodic depression that we all experience, and then there's the clinical type which is caused by chemical imbalance, not mean husbands. My wife has clinical depression, and has had it for about 12 years. It affects not only her moods, making her emotionally volatile and ultrasensitive, but it also affects her sex drive, dulling it to the point of practical nonexistence. I continue to be supportive and emotionally solid for her, but the situation did make me more open to an affair. I missed closeness, I missed being desired.

 

Now, having said that, I'm a little suspicious of a 43-year-old (my age, by the way) seeking out a girl who's 19. Not that I can't see the attraction or the possibility of great sex, but I can't imagine the level of companionship that Starling and Otherlover claim to have with men whose life experience is so far beyond theirs. What can they talk about?

 

I can't imagine it being anything other than pure, casual fun, which, ironically, may be the best working formula for both couples in this thread, as long as they realize their relationships for what they are.

[theantibarbie23]

You deserve someone whom isn't investing their energy and time into another woman. You also tell us that you've had enough but dread the consequences of leaving. It's never going to get any easier. Please don't waste your youth on a man that's never going to really be yours or be able to put you and your needs first. The longer you stay the more you are going to kick yourself when this has all ended.

[starling]

Regarding JayKay's comment, I just do not think that it was called for. Thank you for sharing your experience AnchorManagement.

 

What can they talk about?

 

I can't imagine it being anything other than pure, casual fun, which, ironically, may be the best working formula for both couples in this thread, as long as they realize their relationships for what they are.

I can see why it would seem that is it as just casual fun, but we have a lot in common. We talk about anything, everything. We have the same taste in film, discuss music, technology, other interests such as photography. And most of all our sense of humour is the same - only very few people 'get' our slightly-off-the-wallness.

I don't think that he was particularly 'seeking' out a young female and age just isn't the main factor for us when we're together.

[newbby]

Regarding JayKay's comment, I just do not think that it was called for.

i fail to see anything offensive in what she wrote. i think jaykay was rather trying to warn you that alot of men who cheat, are just that way. also that alot of the lines are common, and work well. many of the cheating mm are indeed conmen, and good ones at that.

it is a shame that 2 young girls with so many options are settling for mm crumbs.

[starling]

i fail to see anything offensive in what she wrote. i think jaykay was rather trying to warn you that alot of men who cheat, are just that way. also that alot of the lines are common, and work well. many of the cheating mm are indeed conmen, and good ones at that.

it is a shame that 2 young girls with so many options are settling for mm crumbs.

I was unclear, I was pointing just at this particular comment: "ever wonder why she's depressed?" It'd touched a nerve. However, thinking it over, it was a fair comment and not just a careless strike, though that was how it seemed initially.

In reply, yes I'd thought of him being the cause of her depression, but not in the sense of him mistreating her &c but another very different reason.

[JayKay]

Anchor Management

 

I'm not naive about depression. I've had....and have been treated for...clinical depression and know full well how severely it can impact others' lives...as well as your own.

 

I also counsel people with eating disorders, who are often depressed and on any number of medications that I have to have a full understanding of.

 

My point is that the statement, "My wife is depressed" should be regarded with a grain or two of salt, since it is trotted out with alarming regularity by middle-aged men in stale marriages.

 

And while you might deem that a broad generalization.....let me just add I bartended for approximately 6 years and heard that line about...oh....7,298 times, give or take.

[AnchorManagement]

My point is that the statement, "My wife is depressed" should be regarded with a grain or two of salt, since it is trotted out with alarming regularity by middle-aged men in stale marriages.

 

And while you might deem that a broad generalization.....let me just add I bartended for approximately 6 years and heard that line about...oh....7,298 times, give or take.

 

I have no doubt plenty of men bait their lines with a whole lot of nonsense in order to catch women. I also don't doubt you've heard that particular one thousands of times. But, to be fair, hearing that line while tending bar only gives you an informed opinion of men who hang out in bars.

[JayKay]

This is true, Anchor Management, and I get your point.

 

However, I encountered similar behavior (as did friends of mine) after obtaining a masters' degree and working in a professional field. Granted, it was to a lesser degree (alcohol does loosen inhibitions) but was there.

 

My point was not, "Ever wonder if she's depressed because of HIM?"

 

but rather, "Do you think she might have a valid reason to be depressed?"

 

Maybe something tragic happened to her.

 

 

I am wary of statements like, "She's depressed" or "He's not fun anymore" when there's little insight to go along with it.

 

And yes, women pull the same garbage. Blaming the spouse for problems in the marriage and using that as an excuse to fool around. It's not just men who are to blame.

 

I would feel a little more empathy for this 43-year-old man if I saw some evidence of him understanding the part he played in this marriage's disintegration.

 

I dated a married man years ago who told me his wife was depressed and had 'changed' after the birth of their child.

 

It wasn't until I was older that I came to understand how overwhelming it is to have a child, how hormones can plummet and lead to depression.

During the time period I knew this married guy, he owned a restaurant and worked 70-80 hours per week. Perhaps his wife, who was a recent immigrant to boot, felt isolated and lonely.

 

I have great empathy for the wife now, looking back. But at the time, I just felt sorry for HIM. "Oh, poor guy. His wife doesn't want to make love to him and just cries all the time. What a drag she must be!"

 

 

My mother became very depressed during her marriage as she was deeply in love with my father but he went on having affair after affair. No matter how thin and blonde she made herself, he couldn't stay faithful.

I wonder if my father complained about my mother's depression and neediness?

 

 

I just think the OP needs to ask herself some tough questions with regards to this married man.

 

Rather than discredit my opinion, I think other posters who genuinely want to offer advice would suggest she do the same.

 

If a 'future' is what you want, you need to get real, OP.

[otherlover]

i haven't been on in awhile and im a little confused.....are we talking about him not leaving his wife because of depression and hes using it as an excuse? Please fill me in also...i feel the same way as she does....as much as i do love my mm...im not expecting him to leave his wife for me or want him to....I love being with him and the more i am with him, the more we find stuff we have in common and the more i think if only the times were different..we would be a perfect real life couple. But that is all imagination and i know this is reality.But as bad as it sounds...im glad another person is in the same boat as me

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

I can almost guarantee you’ll regret this a few years from now. I imagine my experience was pretty typical – 37 year old boss chasing after the 22 year old girl fresh out of college. Shockingly, his wife also was depressed and had let herself go and nagged and the whole range of things it seems every one of these types of guys claims about his wife. In hindsight, I've realized a lot of these guys go for girls as young as you are and I was because we’re the only ones naïve enough into buy that pile of crap. Again, I don’t mean that as a slam on you ladies. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker at the time. I just know I’d never fall for it now. (I’m 30.)

 

So yeah, at the time it was exciting and elicit and we had a million things in common and we enjoyed each other’s company and I liked believing that I was his respite from his miserable home life and all that stuff that I thought nobody else could ever feel as intensely as I was feeling it at the time. I wondered all the things you ladies are wondering … what if it was different, what if he was single, what if he left his wife and kids? But maybe I was a little ahead of the game because I knew even then that the answer to all those questions was that there’d be another woman, always another woman. Hell, there was already another other woman when I was the other woman.

 

Fortunately, I moved about an hour away to the city from my small town about four months into the relationship, and I knew in my gut that I wanted out enough that I didn’t attempt to keep in touch with him. And guess what. Eventually I stopped thinking about him. Eventually I got a boyfriend of my own who could spend the weekends and evenings with me and go out with me in public and who focused his romantic energy exclusively on me and with whom I didn’t feel guilty all the time. Eventually I got involved in my job and my friends and my new life. “Eventually” took only about three or four weeks to happen. Sure he crossed my mind periodically beyond that period, but the toughest separation part was over within the first couple weeks. And I felt remarkably relieved.

 

My advice would be to get out before you get any deeper. Your experience is not unique even though it feels that way. It’s happening all over the place, and the guy chose you, not because you’ve got some kind of amazing connection, but because he figured out that he could manipulate you and take advantage of you. None of this is anything I realized till after it was over, but all of it was true.

[erika2610]

BenefitOfTheDoubt: Hindsight's a wonderful thing isn't it?

 

Startling - The longer you're with him, the harder it will be to leave. You deserve better. You deserve someone to be yours and only yours. Somebody who can be there for you when you want them to be.. not just when they can get away from the W. I was with my MM for a little over a year. I bought all the crap he told me.. all the lies. I now realize that 99% of MM say the same thing. "We don't sleep together anymore.. we're only together for the kids.. we haven't been happy in years". Yadda yadda yadda. When he chased me, I was going through a depression.. I had low self esteem. He knew this, and preyed upon it. That's what they do. The sooner you leave, the better off you'll be. It'll be hard, but you'll get through it. Keep busy. Go out with a bunch of friends...have fun. And one day, you'll look back and say 'What the heck was I thinking?'

[Guest]

I am in a diffrent postion myself, but I can comment on this one also, I agree with the fact that it should be a bit of fun, and not too serious, but I'm being very hypocritical here.

 

My situation is that I'm 17... (yes, I know young) but I'm quite mature for my age. I have had a thing for my mothers boss, yes I know.. pretty gross, but I thiink that he likes me too. He's a doctor, and a MM, and wait for it.. hes 50. Yes I know, again, its a massive age diffrence, but I really dont think that its a hinderence. His wife suffers from acute arthritis, and 'can't get out of bed', but i know someone with the same thing, and probably worse who isnt waited on hand and foot by her husband. He basiclly does everything that she wants him to do, and doesn't get alot from her in the sex department, but the ironic thing is that when he wants to go for dinner with his GP practice, she wont go, and he is left to go on his own. When the week later she goes to the same place with her book club. Whats up with that?

 

Anyway, hes a fabulous guy, and the funniest person alive, and sends me sorta confusing messages. Young and niave, yes i know, I've heard these things off my friends, but they dont know what its like to be in a MM situation, like you guys. When he goes past me he has to touch my back, or when I work there occasionally, he looks at me when I'm working, and you know the feeling that you get when you know that theres someone lookign at you, I look at him, and he quickly starts doing his work again, (it quite sweet actually). Then from across the room, when he knows no ones watching he gives me a wink, and not the sort of wink to say "hey how are you" is a more meaningfull, and deep wink.

 

I really don't know what to do, but I think that I'm falling in love with him, and I can't stop it. I also think that its a good thing somtime, and I look forward to seeing him all the time. I went with him to have coffee, and we seemed to 'click'...

 

So your people with opinions and experiances.. please.. help!

[Woo]

BTW.. The guest is me.. Woo.. I just registered.. to let you all know..

[Sami_D]

I was just reading a thread on gloryb.com where someone had started a poll to see how many of the MM/OW relationships were age-gap relationships. Interestingly the vast majority had huge age gaps. mostly over 10 years, and up to 28 years.

 

Just for the record, I'm 43 and he's 8 months older than me.

[erika2610]

I was just reading a thread on gloryb.com where someone had started a poll to see how many of the MM/OW relationships were age-gap relationships. Interestingly the vast majority had huge age gaps. mostly over 10 years, and up to 28 years.

 

Just for the record, I'm 43 and he's 8 months older than me.

 

My ex-MM was about 16 years older than me..

[For You I Will]

I am in a diffrent postion myself, but I can comment on this one also, I agree with the fact that it should be a bit of fun, and not too serious, but I'm being very hypocritical here.

 

 

 

I really don't know what to do, but I think that I'm falling in love with him, and I can't stop it. I also think that its a good thing somtime, and I look forward to seeing him all the time. I went with him to have coffee, and we seemed to 'click'...

 

 

Girl.. I totally feel you. If you haven't had any intimate contact w/ him yet, I wouldn't suggest it. After I kissed my MM, I couldn't stop thinking about him. It takes up all my time EVERYDAY.. i cant stop thinking of him. From reading this forums.. I have learned a lot, yet I still think there is "hope" for me. Most MM are liars & they do it well. That is the most important information I learned. Even though I want to stop seeing him, I cant, b/c I work w/ him. Eventually I will see him again. My advice, is to just not be in contact w/ him. If you are in this deep already, who knows where you will be in a month....

[erika2610]

Girl.. I totally feel you. If you haven't had any intimate contact w/ him yet, I wouldn't suggest it. After I kissed my MM, I couldn't stop thinking about him. It takes up all my time EVERYDAY.. i cant stop thinking of him. From reading this forums.. I have learned a lot, yet I still think there is "hope" for me. Most MM are liars & they do it well. That is the most important information I learned. Even though I want to stop seeing him, I cant, b/c I work w/ him. Eventually I will see him again. My advice, is to just not be in contact w/ him. If you are in this deep already, who knows where you will be in a month....

 

I know it's tough when you work with him, but you can still stop seeing him on a personal level..