Sinfuldelight Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I was in a LDR for about a year before I got into my current one. The past relationship ended really horrible. I mean, I know I shouldn't have let myself get sucked in that much, but he really crossed the line by saying that he really liked me and that we were going to fall in love when we saw one another. Then, to top things off his family played a role in it. In the end, I ended up broken hearted. Lately I've been driving my current bf nuts with the same questions. I'm so terrified. I have deep feelings for him but the fear of the past are getting to me. I get all upset when I think about him and then try to explain to my current bf why I feel this way. I really want to meet him but I'm so afraid I'm going to end up hurt when we meet. He has a friend coming along with him (a guy) and that makes everything that much worse. Sure, we're going to spend time alone, but going there and if possibly facing rejection it's going to hurt a lot worse then say we were meeting in a public place w/o friends or family around. I don't know how to calm myself, I feel like I'm going to end up ruining things before the 24th rolls around.
bluetuesday Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 i think it's a good thing that the past is getting to you. it's trying to tell you something extremely important. don't fret about what he will think of your fears. you won't drive a good man away for applying common sense to this situation. you're scared now because what your past experience shows is that you don't know people until you meet them. what you're experiencing is your common sense screaming out to you, warning you to be extremely careful. whether the new guy is a good guy or not is IMPOSSIBLE to know until you have spent a significant amount of time with him in real life. not on IM, not on the phone, not on a webcam, but real life. until then, you don't know him. you only think you do - as the last guy proved. all you know right now is what he tells you. he could be wildly different to the picture he has painted. you are scared because you should be. being confident would be foolish since this man is effectively a total stranger to you. i know it doesn't feel like this - trust me, i've got the t-shirt - but that IS the case. i know you feel this guy is different, so did we all. if you meet him, for goodness sake take someone you trust along with you. please DO NOT meet him and another man you know nothing about alone, it would be idiotic to agree to such an arrangement. take along an older brother, or a male friend you trust. if he is any sort of man, he will not only understand why, he should already be encouraging you in this respect for your own safety and peace of mind.
Author Sinfuldelight Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 i think it's a good thing that the past is getting to you. it's trying to tell you something extremely important. don't fret about what he will think of your fears. you won't drive a good man away for applying common sense to this situation. you're scared now because what your past experience shows is that you don't know people until you meet them. what you're experiencing is your common sense screaming out to you, warning you to be extremely careful. whether the new guy is a good guy or not is IMPOSSIBLE to know until you have spent a significant amount of time with him in real life. not on IM, not on the phone, not on a webcam, but real life. until then, you don't know him. you only think you do - as the last guy proved. all you know right now is what he tells you. he could be wildly different to the picture he has painted. you are scared because you should be. being confident would be foolish since this man is effectively a total stranger to you. i know it doesn't feel like this - trust me, i've got the t-shirt - but that IS the case. i know you feel this guy is different, so did we all. if you meet him, for goodness sake take someone you trust along with you. please DO NOT meet him and another man you know nothing about alone, it would be idiotic to agree to such an arrangement. take along an older brother, or a male friend you trust. if he is any sort of man, he will not only understand why, he should already be encouraging you in this respect for your own safety and peace of mind. Yah know, I really didn't think about that. Now I feel kind of stupid, hahaha... I mean I told my friend who lives like a heart beat away from there and she'll hopfully get to check up on me. I'm going to drag along a parent actually. They can feel him out better than I can, probably my dad will go along since he is going to meet them anyways. Thanks for the advice.
bluetuesday Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Yah know, I really didn't think about that. Now I feel kind of stupid, hahaha... I mean I told my friend who lives like a heart beat away from there and she'll hopfully get to check up on me. I'm going to drag along a parent actually. They can feel him out better than I can, probably my dad will go along since he is going to meet them anyways. Thanks for the advice. excellent!! (apart from the feeling stupid part - which really is unnecessary, we all live and learn, nothing stupid about that) as long as you are sure you're safe, you can relax and have a good time. i hope it works out for you. just keep those expectations realistic.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 The scenario painted by your words here appears to have "deep disappointment" as the BEST possible outcome. To begin this thread, you said: "...to top things off, his family played a role in (the past disappointment)" and later you spoke of bringing your father to the meeting with the new guy. (??) Some logistical information would be helpful for those wishing to respond to your thoughts. We would do well to know: How long you've been interacting with the guy you'll meet? How far from home is one, or the other, or both of you traveling to meet? What I can say from what you've already stated, is that there is no way that he should bring his (male friend). If you want to bring your father, for safety, you should keep your father well out of earshot, and not say a word to your guy about the father's presence. Meet at a very public location - something like a shopping mall food court, where dad can be eating Cinnabon's across the room as he watches out for you. And you should be able to trust yourself to remain in public when first getting to know this guy. If you can't trust yourself to do that, then you have greater concerns. Truthfully, many if not most initial real-life meetings from online romances result in mutually enjoyable sharing of sexuality. You can tip the odds for that greatly in your favor with a few ideas: *** Interact online for a long time ("months" is good) before meeting *** Do the best job ever at sharing your insecurities online, and fairly early, beFORE you even have to cease to be anonymous, with the intent being that the other person will better "know" who to expect when you meet. Also, this will increase the "personal investment" that each of you has in the other, and that is a good thing early on. *** Describe nearly every iota of what you'll be wearing, how tall you are, and other details so that the other person's mind gets an image to program-in as the meeting hour approaches. This will help a great deal, and that goes double if both sides do so. There is something so wise in preparing the imagination of the other person to expect exactly the image it will later see. Now, IF you are the sort of person who has lied or misrepresented yourself in any way, don't bother wasting everybody's time going through with the meeting. IF you arrive to find that the guy you're meeting has misrepresented himself in ways that would have been simple to disclose fully and accurately, just GET UP AND WALK AWAY !!! If he told you he was 5' 10", and you find him to be 5' 7"... then give your dad the pre-arranged signal and get up and walk away! If I were in your shoes... and the guy brought his male friend within 500 feet of you during the initial meeting, I'd get up and walk away, forever... In closing, I hope that you'll offer just a little more clear detail on your meeting plans.
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