phalinn Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 my ex called me out of the blue after 3-4 weeks of NC. She said she misses me. I actually had moved on prior to her call, but after her call i'm back to square one in thinking there's still hope. 4 days after she called i can't stand it so i asked what does she actually want, i don't want to be used by her and honestly i want a chance. She just said she called because she wants to remain friends with me. Now when she said she just wants to remain friends, does that mean the chance of getting her back is completely gone??
UT_longhorn Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 phalinn, dont fall down the hole again man. stay strong. dont let her contact you. you are still healing and you cannot be friends with her. and yes...most likely she just wants to be friends. not to start a relationship with you. i mean she came out and straight up said so. do not talk to her yet man. youre not ready. 1
Mr.P Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 It's probably best to get an opinion from a female member on the definition of "I miss you". It could be that she misses you and wants you back, or that she misses talking to someone she got on so well with, therefore wanting to be just friends. I wouldn't cut contact with her incase the first is the reason for her call. I guess I'm an eternal optimist! I too would be interested in responses to this as my ex told me she misses me, but has been flirting with me whilst she has a new bf, and also referred to me as "one of her best friends".
coasting Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 All Right Guys, I know when I say I miss my ex, it really does mean that I miss him. There are no words that describe the emotions I feel because I miss him so much. Now because he was the dumper I suspect these feelings that I have are normal. I think if I were the dumper and I had said to him that Imissed him, it would be sending a sign out there that there may be hope for a second chance. My advice to you is if you are comfortable with the contact keep it, but do not over do it. Let her prove to you that she does miss you, and take it one step at a time without getting your hopes up to far. Chances are if she dumped you for someone else or had been cheating on you, things are not all she thought they would be with the other one. But if you give into her right away you are only opening yourself up for the heartbreak all over again. again take it day by day and step by step and DO NOT give into her right away. She needs to earn your respect and trust back. DO NOT let her walk all over you! Good Luck!
Author phalinn Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 Whiznism, she dumped me because i treated her badly...so where do i go from there?
coasting Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 You have made the first move by admitting you treated her badly. The question is why did you treat her badly? I will be the first to admit I was always on the defensive side when someone treated me badly. I would say it is up to you to prove yourself to her, but because i don't know the situation at hand, I would have to say you stillneed to take it slowly, and let her do the leading, bt not to the point where she is controlling the situation. Start out by emailing or talking, then gradually go to hooking up with friends, or others (just not the two of you at first) and take it from there. Basically it is going to be starting all over again, and just learn from your mistakes.
Author phalinn Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 basically thruout the relationship when we got into fights i would always threaten to breakup when i actually didnt mean it, just my male ego, she was the one who would beg me to stay, which is what my ego wanted to hear. i guess she couldnt take it anymore. i really regret it. it's also long distance r/ship so i'm kinda insecure, when she gets cold i will always aks whether there's another guy. i know my mistakes are terrible but i really regret them. we got into some contact the past few days. we texted each other and at some point i couldnt help but to tell her what i want and how i felt. i told her i'll improve and hope to win her back. she said just let time to its thing and she said she isnt't interested in being with other guys for now. so would just being friends with her be my best option to win her back?
CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 my ex called me out of the blue after 3-4 weeks of NC. She said she misses me. I actually had moved on prior to her call, but after her call i'm back to square one in thinking there's still hope. 4 days after she called i can't stand it so i asked what does she actually want, i don't want to be used by her and honestly i want a chance. She just said she called because she wants to remain friends with me. Now when she said she just wants to remain friends, does that mean the chance of getting her back is completely gone?? You can not be friends with someone you are still in love with. There are many reasons, but suffice to say that as long as you are friends you will always cling to the hope her heart will change. She's keeping you around in case it does. Now let me ask you something. Do you respect yourself enough to say that you won't accept 'crumbs' of her attention? That you will not be kept around on a string and have your emotions go through the ringer for HER personal satisfaction? It's selfish of her to want to remain friends. It will seriously not allow you to heal as a person. You will constantly be pining over her while she is seeing someone else. You will never heal. F-THAT! I refuse to stay friends with my ex. I'm not her marionette. I won't be at her beck and call. I won't stay friends with someone who had such little regard for what she did to my heart. Frankly, she doesn't deserve my time. Period. Your case might be different but you need to work on your own personal issues, your insecurities and fix them or a second chance is doomed to failure.
Author phalinn Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 Caliguy, i understand what you're saying. Obviously i just can't be friends with her but if that's the only option to win her back then be it. or you have other ideas to win back someone who just want to be your friend? I admire your courage to just move on and forget her. but honestly for me, i really love her and want her back! at any cost. well she also said she's not interested in hooking with other guys (including me) at the moment.
CaliGuy Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Caliguy, i understand what you're saying. Obviously i just can't be friends with her but if that's the only option to win her back then be it. or you have other ideas to win back someone who just want to be your friend? I admire your courage to just move on and forget her. but honestly for me, i really love her and want her back! at any cost. No offense, but this sounds a little 'clingy and needy' to me. Why do you want to win her back at any cost? What can she give you that no other woman can give you? Do you need her in your life to make you happy? well she also said she's not interested in hooking with other guys (including me) at the moment. My advice is to take some time to self-reflect why you feel this way. Are you a confident person and happy? If you aren't, maybe that is what is driving her away. Women want confident, happy, independent men. Is that you?
Author phalinn Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 yup i agree it sounds like im needy and clingy...but i'm better than before i guess..i don't show it much to her these days...i'm playing a cool a lil bit and hoping with time that i'll really become a cool and confident guy anyway caliguy, what are your ideas on winning back someone who just wants to be your friend? what will you do (i know you would just move on)? Should i just be her friends to win her back?
coasting Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I have to agree with Ccal on this one; you CANNOT befriends with someone you are in love with. What will happen if somewhee along the line of friendship, she decides to date someone else? where will that leave you.? I can't help but to think with the situation at hand you need to find self respect for yourself, because honestly if you can not respect yourself 100 percent then you are not going to be able to respect another person. Granted you are aware of your insecurities, but no one can make those insecurities go away except for you. If you were insecure before you will need to show her that this has changed, not only with words but with actions as well. I know what you are saying when you say you love her and want any chacne of a second chance, but to be honest, you have to give yourself a second chance before anyone else will give you that second chance. If this means making changes then do it. If she loves you as much as you love her, she will be there to see these changes. But do not short change yourself! Do not focus in on her alone for these changes do them for you above all else!
jonny87 Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 but honestly for me, i really love her and want her back! at any cost. Well, then you know what you have to do. I think, like me, you probably aren't in any condition, emotionally, to handle a friendship right now. Unless you have amazing self-control and discipline, you'll end up falling right back into old patterns. I know it's hard for me to be around my "ex" sometimes because I'm either very sullen and bitter and depressed, or I'm very happy and witty and flirty and, dare I say, charming . It's a funny catch-22: the former really turns her off because she says that I'm not being "the old me", the latter makes it tough because I usually get a positive response from her (whether it's her laughing at all my stupid jokes again, or flirting with me, etc.) and that just confuses me. Because I start thinking, "wow, maybe she's warming up to me again." Which I guess is okay to think about, as long as I don't my hopes up too much. I think a lot of the same things might be true with you. Don't expect too much. My advice (which may not mean much considering my relative inexperience in relationships) is to just take it slow. Like whisnimz said, "Basically it is going to be starting all over again, and just learn from your mistakes." If you think you can handle being around her without putting any pressure on her for anything else, or bringing up unpleasant things from the past, and just be friendly and happy and funny, then yeah, I'd say try to be friends. Or at least just friendly. Don't blow her off, but then don't necessarily be so eager to be around her all the time. Let her make the first moves. If, for instance, she wants to get together and hang out with you, and if you really really really think you can handle it, then I'd say do so. But don't ask her to hangout. I think the whole idea is to not act like you have to have her around. We all know that you want to be with her, but she doesn't need to know that. Again, take my advice with a grain of salt. I might be completely wrong. All I can say is this is going to be really hard work. If you dont' at all think that you're emotionally stable enough to try this (and I kind of think you might not be yet) then back off some. Like I said, don't ignore her, but don't smother her either.
Author phalinn Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 hey TomServo, that's one good advice and i think that's the best way to go. The best way to win her back is maybe not to try. Well, not to show her at least. Thanks man! I'll take it slowly from here.
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