Felt like writing a bit today.

[CaliGuy]

I was thinking about what love meant to me in regards to the ex the other night so I jotted down my feelings. I have no intention of sending it to her so don't worry there. I more or less wrote them to get them off my chest.

 

Feel free to critique, flame, insult, whatever. Yes, I miss her and this is part of letting go for me. I needed to vent a bit.

 

Love means...

 

...loving you so much that I have accepted completely letting you go so you can truly be happy, even if it's with someone else.

 

...realizing that as much as I loved you, I can not be friends with you because it would mean that deep down I would always hope for your heart to change. In the process I would have never been able to let go completely, heal and be happy enough to open myself the possibility of being hurt again -- by someone else.

 

...finally realizing you would never love me the same way I loved you.

 

...accepting you just as you are, as God made you, warts and all.

 

...never trying to change who you are.

 

...fighting so hard for a love I truly believed in, and even though I now realize it was a losing battle, I went down fighting to the very end.

 

...making myself a better person not because that's what I thought you wanted, but because it was what *I* truly wanted and needed.

 

...believing that I truly found you beautiful, inside and out, regardless of whether you believed me or not.

 

...that I would do some terribly stupid things. If love is blind, call me Stevie Wonder.

 

...that when I loved you and was humble, you believed I was soft. And when I proved I was a man, you thought I was arrogant. When I gave you space you thought I was ignoring you but when I paid attention to you, you felt I was suffocating you. No matter what I did I was never going to find the right balance to satisfy you.

 

...I never loved you because I needed you, I needed you because I loved you.

 

...knowing I can be happy without you in my life, realizing I gave it my all and failed, never wondering if I have given enough.

 

...knowing many other men in your life may have loved you, but none loved you as much and as deeply as I did.

 

...knowing that even though I never fit your 'ideal man' profile I am still confident and happy with who I am.

 

...finally realizing you never loved me the same way I loved you.

 

...being man enough to admit that I cired over this. Though it may seem 'wimpy' to you now, if you remember how much you cried losing ***** and **** then you can imagine how badly I felt. How truly big of a loss, how deeply my love must have been -- for a man to cry.

 

...losing your mom and your best friend/lover within a span of weeks and coming out a stronger person in the process.

 

...realizing that even though I loved you, I would never accept you disrespecting me and treating me badly again.

 

...seeing your indifference to me and your happiness discussing other men that finally, enough was enough.

 

...I gave it my all, not because I was trying to prove my worth to you, but because I truly loved you.

 

...as much as I talked about buying you a ring, I truly did want to marry you.

 

...knowing you said I was 'too good to be true' though I have always been exactly who I have proven over time to you I was.

[fooled]

I wonder if we actually DID have a relationship with the same girl.

[CaliGuy]

I wonder if we actually DID have a relationship with the same girl.

 

If that is you in the avatar, then no

[cal gal]

CG-

 

I am so proud of your progress. Please don't ever let anyone disrespect you and don't go there yourself!

 

Don't ever think a gal needs to "fight" to love you. Being alone is not a bad thing if you admire yourself.

 

Go on - and have a good time doing what you think you might like for your future. You might be obligated to share the smutty part of it with all of us LS 'ers though. JK ha ha.

 

 

always a nasty gal, I am. Go for happy days CG! :bunny:

[fooled]

Yes, it is me. You and I are very similar - as well as our situation. What part of Cali are you in?

[CaliGuy]

Yes, it is me. You and I are very similar - as well as our situation. What part of Cali are you in?

 

Between LA and SD, close to the IE border.

[fooled]

Ah - West L.A. for me.

[cal gal]

Sometimes CG I think you are tooooooo serious -- get to the humor honey!

 

Want to be sucked?

[CaliGuy]

Sometimes CG I think you are tooooooo serious -- get to the humor honey!

 

Some days are better than others.

 

Want to be sucked?

 

Nope.

[cal gal]

Like I said too serious - CG - dang, a man that wants to have a good time whether it be for real or fantasy has got to be open minded and FUN , where bis your imagination honey?

 

WIT - SLUB -LONESTAR -GOLD PILE - WWIU where are you in the fun fantasy world????

[Neptune]

Hey, the other thing is this guy probably has tons of gals that would like to be rolling in the hay with him. I`ll bet if he walked a mile in my shoes he would be one grateful dude.

 

Yes Caliguy, lighten up. The future is bright for you.

[CaliGuy]

Hey, the other thing is this guy probably has tons of gals that would like to be rolling in the hay with him. I`ll bet if he walked a mile in my shoes he would be one grateful dude.

 

Yes Caliguy, lighten up. The future is bright for you.

 

Up days, down days. Today is quiet and not very busy so idle minds will drift into a slumber of days gone past.

 

Where's that rubber band? I need a smack.

[cal gal]

you go CG -

 

pick someone fun and go roll in the sack with them - for three or four hours....

 

get going - you would be fun for any gal!!

[patwheel]

Good days, bad days..

 

No matter how hard you try to take her down the pedestal, they always seem to climb back up again.

 

Does not help either that the closeness of living together is gone too. Sometimes I wonder if I should move out(we moved in together, got to keep the apartment). Some other times, I wonder why I should go back home and I could just go out and party some more.

 

All the attachment, and closeness all gone at once. We have to learn how to be by ourselves just like we were before! I know it's hard to come home and still kinda see yourself and her there, when she's really not, but that's just how it is.

 

There is nothing wrong with missing our exes, as long as we dont obsess about it.

 

Another girl might take your mind off the ex for a while, and boost your ego, it kinda worked for me, but unfortunetly I chose an emotionally unavailable girl, so that plan kinda crashed and burned, but it was fun while it lasted, and definetly helped.

 

Definetly try to jot down at least in your mind what type of girl do you want. The next pick will be a better one and then I can stop playing November Rain in my head

[CaliGuy]

I tell you Pat, waking up to an empty bed leaves me feeling just as empty.

 

And knowing she isn't doing the same makes it hurt all the more.

 

But, like my siggy says, I can't sit around pining about the Ex or worried about the past. There's nothing I can do to change it.

[cal gal]

CG-

 

I'm getting my mind off my ex by the fun on the water cooler posts.

 

A mind can go anywhere in a fantasy ... not such a bad thing for

distraction.....

 

[bendit]

While I believe your romantic sentiments are noble, and even touching, from all I have read about this "love" of yours, this is one woman who did not belong on that pedestal. With distance, you will see that. Figure out why you fell in love with a woman who treated you with such disrespect and why you tolerated it. Figure out why you fell in love with an unavailable woman, a woman who could never return mature love in kind. Stop being sentimental and start being analytical. The women you love don't belong UP on a pedestal set to be worshipped. They belong at your SIDE.

 

regards

[CaliGuy]

While I believe your romantic sentiments are noble, and even touching, from all I have read about this "love" of yours, this is one woman who did not belong on that pedestal. With distance, you will see that. Figure out why you fell in love with a woman who treated you with such disrespect and why you tolerated it. Figure out why you fell in love with an unavailable woman, a woman who could never return mature love in kind. Stop being sentimental and start being analytical. The women you love don't belong UP on a pedestal set to be worshipped. They belong at your SIDE.

 

regards

 

That's just it, Bendit. I don't know why I feel in love with her. Rio mentioned pheramones, maybe that's it?? Whatever it was , I was attracted to her like a fat lady at a pie eating contest. I mean seriously, the attraction was so strong. TOO strong. I'm sure it scared the crap out of her. I know my persistence in dating, being together, progressing through the relationship and all scared her.

 

Physically I don't meet the profile of what she finds sexy. She's like big, muscluar men. I'm about 5'10' and 160. I work out, I'm in great shape but seriously, the men she dated before (and now after) me are all bodybuilders.

 

I guess the only solace here is the steriods really had an effect on them all

 

I know she misses me. Not in the way I want her to, but since I've initiated NC almost 2 months ago there's a big part of her life that just "disappeared."

[bendit]

Caliguy I've never seen so many muscle guys in need of "coping" help...;-)

The next time you're drawn to a woman like Colin Farrell is drawn to a

video camera, tread carefully!! Be cautious and get to know the real

her first! Your NC is going great.

 

regards