whats wrong with me Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 I've been with my husband 8 years, except for 2 years ago when I left him for about 9 months because he keeps cheating on me. Now that we are back together I've caught him "talking" to other women. I am hurting so much but we have many children together. Im 25 hes 60, im not ugly just antisocial. i dont have friends. Dont tell me to leave, last time I left he made life miserable for me check some old news articles. My question is will I ever quit hurting? or be able to deal with this situation? Any suggestions? it seems my choices are die or deal with it.
cygny Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 some women 'look the other way' they pretend it's not happening or they tell themselves that 'he loves me best' denial can be a powerful tool for self-protection' there is a cost--you become a bit divorced from reality what about your social circle knowing. doesn't that humiliate you? you sound very dependent on him. what about therapy, to become more emotionally and financially independent??
Author whats wrong with me Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 I dont have a "social circle" but yes it is humiliating just knowing that everybody around him knows. I am dependent on him but not really by choice. Hes controlling and will not go to therepy or allow me to. at this point it seems like my whole life revolves around whether or not hes screwin around
cygny Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 well if you're not willing to leave him, what are you going to do? i don't think it will stop.
Curmudgeon Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 why would you want to become numb to it? It's dispicable and you shouldn't, nor should you have to become innured to it. Despite what he may or may not do, I think you need the stregth to kick him to the curb and leave, and also leave no trace or trail. Perhaps some counseling would help. You deserve a better life. You just have to believe it. 1
Author whats wrong with me Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 I know it wont quit and Ive left him before and this is what happened.... An XXXXXXX man confronted his former girlfriend and their three young children at gunpoint Monday and abducted the children, authorities said. I just need to know how people deal with their spouse cheating? This is very hard on me.
Curmudgeon Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I divorced her. She's hated me ever since because I took away her power and control. Jimmy crack corn and I don't care! I refused to stay married to her.
cal gal Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Yes you can! In addition to being numb to hurtfulness, you can also become a person that ignores their ways of trying to manipulate you and to have power and control over your life. It does take a strong personality though. 1
Author whats wrong with me Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 How strong? This is a bit of the hell I went through…. XXXXXXX says his brother is relieved that the children are being taken care of by DHR. XXXXX XXXXXXX had said the children's mother was not fit to take care of them The outcome of a custody hearing involving three Birmingham-area children featured in an Amber Alert last week remains a mystery. In the meantime, though, the Department of Human Resources had taken the three children from XXXXXX. But in a bizarre twist, the couple has since worked together to get the children out of foster care. XXXXXX will get full custody of the kids, who she’s seen only nine times in the past six months. "They've been very scared they weren't coming home,” said XXXXXX I might be crazy but I do love him, I don’t know how to not. That’s why I could use some suggestions on how to become numb to his cheating and just get over it even if I wanted to leave my kids are put at risk. I just dont even understand why I even care that he screws around. I guess I let my guard down when we working so close, I know I'm not the only one to deal with a situation like this...
SoleMate Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I suggest that you receive a mental health evaluation. I believe that you may have problems that go deeper than just marital disharmony, as bad as that is. You wouldn't be so desperate to cling to a man who makes you miserable with his cheating, if you had other options, like friends you could talk to, or the chance to meet new men. I suspect that you may be suffering from depression, which usually creates the exact feeling you describe in your user name. Don't call yourself antisocial if what you really mean is that you have had lots of trouble establishing relationships. If you were antisocial, you wouldn't CARE about whether you were connected to people or not...and that is clearly not the case.
PSmith Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I did some searching on the internet, I’m pretty good with the search engines. I found many news articles about the incident, which occurred in July 2003. An amber alert was issued after you contacted authorities claiming that your ex kidnapped the children at gun point. A gun was recovered at the scene. Warrants were issued, etc. His attorney arranged for him to surrender. He turned himself in and was facing charges. He had previously served time in jail 1977-1980, and kidnapped children from a previous relationship years ago. So it looks like he could’ve faced serious jail time. Then you later signed an affidavit claiming you made up the kidnap story, so the charges were dropped. You and your ex then had to get the children back from state custody, which took 6 months. I don’t know whether you lied about the kidnapping, or whether you got scared of your ex and then lied about it being a hoax out of fear. It’s going to be tough to convince the authorities of anything now, years later and after your history. I have no clue as to what to offer as advice. Maybe others here (and there are some pretty bright people here ) can help. But at least I was able to give them a brief history. 1
Author whats wrong with me Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 things are not like they were then. But I'm not gonna leave again and find out things can get worse. It just drives me nuts that he is still messing around after all that we went through. I did see a few doctors about depression between all of them I came out with scripts for zoloft paxil and prozac. They helped.....I didnt care about ANYTHING! I just wonder if there is something I can do, shrt of killing him or screwing around myself, so I will quit dwelling on this subject. Earlier I wrote that I caught him talking to someone, I caught him because I check him constantly ie: cell phone, bills, pockets, car etc. I just want to be able to ignore it and I dont seem to be able to
Shana Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 You said you and him have many children together?? Welp, if this is half the case of you continuing to be with him then you should wake up and listen to the half that has you in the situation you are in. Your 25, he is 60 .. you have a life to live, he has lived a lot of his already. Your living through him. You will not leave him - but you should. What happens if one day he comes home with a beautiful life threatening disease that he gives to you?? What, are you going to still smile and forget about it? Or give him a thanks? Seriously, you need help. Leave and go on with your life, this is one of the saddest posts I read. I feel for you... I do.. but wake up because you are letting your life pass you by. This guy will never let you live the independent life your suppose to be living.. He has made you SO INSECURE... I think he made you anitsocial! You have no friends because of HIM.. and what would you have in common with other 25 years olds anyway?? Your living the life of a 60 year old.. when those 25 year olds are out having fun and enjoying their younger years.. please, do whatever you can to fix this ... I don't want to hear .. I stay for the kids.. half of this world is divorced with kids, heck I am one of them too but I survived without heartache, your kids can too!
Author whats wrong with me Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 I dont stay for the kids, ARE YOU NUTS? Im not a stupid person, I know this kind of relationship doesn't benefit my kids. I do know what I should do but I cant. And if you read the rest of this thread dont feel sorry for me I'm not a sweet angel. I was a stripper when I met him, he was married then. Im most likely getting what I deserve. BUT.... for my kids sake I've got to get over this (his cheating) because I swear my I am becoming obsessed with it. On my cell phone his number is voice activated by the word "liar" my paawords are things like dickhead, jerk etc. I waste alot of time worrying about what he's doing. Look what Im doing now. I've went as far as putting his picture and a profile on Adult friend finder and telling people that e-mail him he's got aids. My thought was if enough people see that the women wont be with him any more.
AZKHO Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Ok chick, you are scaring me a little bit. I think that you need to go and seek some mental help for the sake of your children. Sounds like they have been through enough with you. You need to learn how to be independent mother and like it. You are not being the best mother you can be or you wouldn't be obsessing over a 60 year old freak. You ARE obsessed with trying to make him stop cheating on you. It is not going to work. seems to be controlling. Leave him and take your kids with. If you are scared of him go down to your local courthouse and have an order of protection placed on him. Then if he breaks it there'll be reprecussions. This really sounds crazy to me...and everyone else I think. Seek help right away.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Hi WhatsWrongWithMe! I have read your entire thread, and I want to help you. You mentioned that you met him when he was still married and he left his W to be with you. You also said that you love him. Now, let me ask you: 1. Why did you love him then? 2. Why do you love him now? I understand that you cannot leave him due to fear of repucussion from him. However, please realize that you are still young and these are your best years in life. Do you really want to waste it on this man? (IF you LOVE hime dearly, then I can understand. But...?) Please, please make a PLAN that will allow you and your children to flee as SAFELY as possible. This will take careful planning and secrecy. You need to contact authorities that can help you. (Sorry, I don't know who you can call.) You need a place to stay where he cannot find you. Then, go from there. Maybe you will find another man who will love you more than you ever know. Maybe you won't. At least, you will be safe and your children will grow up in a more positive environment. Really think hard why you feel that you need to live the way you do. Most people do not live like that. If you don't mind my asking, you said that he's 60.... How much sex can he perform? Just curious.
Author whats wrong with me Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 You need to learn how to be independent mother and like it. You are not being the best mother you can be or you wouldn't be obsessing over a 60 year old freak. You ARE obsessed with trying to make him stop cheating on you. It is not going to work. seems to be controlling. Leave him and take your kids with. If you are scared of him go down to your local courthouse and have an order of protection placed on him. Then if he breaks it there'll be reprecussions. This really sounds crazy to me...and everyone else I think. Seek help right away. Okay first I'll start with......I fibbed a little, I'm 28 he's 56, we have three kids todether, and 2 of mine he has raised....I wasn't so sure about putting correct info here. I didn't actually think anyone would check (thanks PSmith above ..by the way I did that to get my children out of foster care). I totally agree that I'm not being the best Mom, that is why I asked for help, so I can ignore what he is doing and give my kids and myself more attention. I know he will never quit cheating, but I cant seem to leave it alone. At least not until a few days ago when I started reading about other peoples problems. I have left him, local courthouse? try 600 miles away. Protection of abuse? Ex Parte? these are pieces of paper....I did both in 2 states ...P.I.'s on me constantly... found me living in a shelter, can't trust anyone..could be a set up, had to quit 2 jobs due to him showing up, reprecussions? he was in 2 months waiting for extradition, 2 days after he was extradited...then back on the street....10-15 felony charges, 6 court dates continued....Who is supposed to get those reprecusions? I agree sounds crazy. WELCOME!!!! You READ it, Can you imagine living it
Author whats wrong with me Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 I will reply to rest in morning SORRY
theantibarbie23 Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 There is no two ways about it, this man is a danger to both you and your children. What I would would do if in a situation where I feared for my children's lives is to do as much research as possible on how invent a new identity and disappear as far away as humanly possible. I'd start by looking up identity theft and how to file for a new social security card under an alias. There are are people out there whom manage to stay off the radar for years. Read up on how they did it. Find out how PIs get information and learn how to avoid being detected by them. Find resources far away in another state (or country if needs be) that can help you get back on your feet once you leave and can help you plan your escape. I know this sounds extreme, but so is your situation. This man has used a weapon when dealing with your children. It is not safe for them to be anywhere near a man as violent and disturbed as him. As a mother you need to do what you must to get them the hell away from him. He WILL destroy them, ethier emotionally or physically..... it's only a matter of time.
Author whats wrong with me Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 This is probably not the right thread for this.. find or follow me somewhere else.
AZKHO Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I will help you do some investigating if you let me know what state you live in, the vicinity. Maybe you can email me, i know a lot about the law, since i am currently studying to be a paralegal and have been for 2 and a half years. I also have many resources having worked with domestic abuse shelters, drug abuse shelters for both men, women and children. There are lots of options and things that can be done "secretly" with the help of advocates that are experianced. Also if you give all of the details of your situation to these types of people, and don't with hold any information, they will be able to help you much more than if you give them partial details or leave things out. Don't live your whole life scared of the man you married. I am here to help, and no i can't imagine living it, but i do feel for you being abused the way you are.
mental_traveller Posted February 2, 2006 Posted February 2, 2006 I know it wont quit and Ive left him before and this is what happened.... An XXXXXXX man confronted his former girlfriend and their three young children at gunpoint Monday and abducted the children, authorities said. I just need to know how people deal with their spouse cheating? This is very hard on me. So you need to be talking to the police, lawyers, victim support etc and trying to get him locked up for a very long time, not stay with him. This isn't a relationship issue, it's a criminal and personal safety issue.
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