Blahdeblah Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Why is it that in so many discussions on cheating/OW OM it is always assumed that: 1. The "cheater" cheats purely because there are things wrong in his/her relationship and the OW/OM is just an "outlet" for this. 2. The OW/OM are "fooling" themselves that the cheater will leave their partner. What about the standpoint that both the cheater and OW/OM actually have a relationship because they both really want to be together, possibly even for ever?
Curmudgeon Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Most of the time there are things wrong in the relationship or they would'nt go outside it. Most of the time they are fooling themselves and the OP won't leave. Maybe they have a truly "open" relationship and don't mind but I truly doubt there's enough substance in one to last for the long-haul.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Why is it that in so many discussions on cheating/OW OM it is always assumed that: 1. The "cheater" cheats purely because there are things wrong in his/her relationship and the OW/OM is just an "outlet" for this. 2. The OW/OM are "fooling" themselves that the cheater will leave their partner. What about the standpoint that both the cheater and OW/OM actually have a relationship because they both really want to be together, possibly even for ever? I think because usually the relationship between the ow/om is based on fantasy. You're sneaking around, meeting and it's exciting and scary all at the same time to do this. Also, when you are together it's not for extended periods of time so when you are together it's all about the relationship. It's romantic and sexy and fun stuff. You're not talking about bills or the kids or problems- for instance "Why didn't you take out the garbage" and all about that. Makes it more fun. I'm not saying that some deep feelings cannot be formed because sometimes they can. I've known only one or two people though that have left their partners for the ow/om and it lasted for longer than five years. It fails to hold up under the stress of everyday lives.
BUTAFLY Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Ms pixie, I love your qoute....That is now my new daily montra. I will repeat that quote every morning when i wake up and every night before I sleep. LOVE IT
blind_otter Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Why is it that in so many discussions on cheating/OW OM it is always assumed that: 1. The "cheater" cheats purely because there are things wrong in his/her relationship and the OW/OM is just an "outlet" for this. 2. The OW/OM are "fooling" themselves that the cheater will leave their partner. What about the standpoint that both the cheater and OW/OM actually have a relationship because they both really want to be together, possibly even for ever? Because logically, both parties would be available for a relationship prior to initiating one? The cheater would end their current relationship in order to be completely available to their new paramour? Why is this even a question again?
Mz. Pixie Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Thanks But! Going through my divorce and such I needed strength to get up and go! I think the OP is asking because she is the OW and is wondering whether or not its possible for that relationship to work and be long term. You know, the whole, our relationship is different kind of thing?
lilacmist Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 It fails to hold up under the stress of everyday lives. It will if they truly want to be together and they love each other, same as what happens in a 'normal' relationship. As in all relationships, some will last and some won't. Relationships after all, all start out the same way, they all have a 'honeymoon period' to start off with, then real life sets in. Failed relationships aren't resigned to OW/OM/WS relationships only, which is how you made it sound. They CAN last, beat the stress of everyday life and for a long time!! And no I'm not an OW! I was married for 10 years and my husband left me for an OW! I heard the same crap day in and day out in forums like these - how their relationship was based upon fantasy, how it wouldn't last once they had a taste of everyday life together, how he'd soon come out of this fog ?????? and he'd come runningback begging forgiveness, lol. Well let me tell you........it didn't happen! He's now been with his OW for three whole years, 2 of those they have been what appears to be, very happily married. Their relationship sure as heck stood up to the test of time and beat the stress of everyday life. Why?? Quite simply because they loved each other and they wanted to be together. It does happen where two people actually do meet each other and they do fall in love and whether one may be married. It's wrong yes, but it does happen!
Astarte Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I absolutely agree, don't agree though, that it's wrong. It's wrong in a way to the wife, as it hurts badly, is a real terrible thing to happen being left for another woman. But love never is wrong. Cheating out of sheer excitement and cos one is simply bored, that is wrong. But I reckon it takes all kinds to make a world. But love happens, as lilacmist said, and being married don't keep you from it. I fell in love with a married man and he with me, over a distance of 700 miles. It was a wonderful friendship and powerful emotion and grew stronger and stronger and we knew, that's it, but didn't want to commit, fought and fought against it. A wife, kids, family...him here, me there... No use. We met finally after many months and things were clear from the first second. We didn't separate eversince and I moved from my country to England. He got divorced. He has two kids with his Ex-wife who were 6 and 11 at the time. It was a sore and hard fight, for all of us. And it took loads of love and sensitivity to handle this situation for the kids. But we ALL have made it, as we wanted to. We didn't work against each other, but with each other, which was a hard lesson to learn. Today his wife and me are quite close, and I am grateful, she reacted the way she did. The kids are with us most of the time as we're nearly neighbours and the bonding is very beautiful and strong. Him and me have a son of two years and we are a wonderful, chaotic, loving and caring patchwork-family, since over four years and really...that every day life is exactly what makes it so good, not just the being crazy for each other, as the every-day life is a gorgeous challenge (well, three kiddies) and a commitment to each other. And his ex-wife said to me what him and me feel - you're made for each other. This woman is 14 years older than me and she never treated me like her hubbies little affair, I really learned humbleness from her, I was ready for fighting against her and she just said, he loves you deeply, I don't fight against love. I know, it's an untypical story, but it showed me, who never wanted an affair with a married man, that generalizing is a dead wrong thing to do.
lilacmist Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I absolutely agree, don't agree though, that it's wrong. It's wrong in a way to the wife, as it hurts badly, is a real terrible thing to happen being left for another woman. Indeed it is a horrible thing to happen. I won't go into detail in regard to my story as it happened so long ago, but I am now over it all and I moved on a long time ago, hence is why I can talk about it all now and is why I bear no grudges toward my ex husband and his new wife. Quite simply, he didn't love me anymore and he found someone he did love, so I let him go. Cheating out of sheer excitement and cos one is simply bored, that is wrong. I agree. I think i'd have felt a whole lot worse, had my husband risked our marriage for some 'roll in the hay', for someone who he didn't care that much about, but that wasn't the case. He left because he met someone else he wanted to be with and they managed to make a success of it. Mind you, it does have to be said that 'all' cheating is wrong. I'd rather my husband have left me if he'd thought that things were going wrong in our marriage, he didn't want really be with me and then meet a partner, but he didn't. He cheated behind my back, while continuing to live with me and have me believe that there was nothing wrong and this was wrong. If you aren't happy in your marriage, then LEAVE, before you go pursuing another partner. I know that people can meet someone while married and they don't expect to fall in love with that person. But still, you should always leave a relationship, before you begin another, rather than betray! But love happens, as lilacmist said, and being married don't keep you from it. Sure doesn't! I fell in love with a married man and he with me, over a distance of 700 miles. It was a wonderful friendship and powerful emotion and grew stronger and stronger and we knew, that's it, but didn't want to commit, fought and fought against it. A wife, kids, family...him here, me there... No use. We met finally after many months and things were clear from the first second. We didn't separate eversince and I moved from my country to England. He got divorced. He has two kids with his Ex-wife who were 6 and 11 at the time. It was a sore and hard fight, for all of us. And it took loads of love and sensitivity to handle this situation for the kids. But we ALL have made it, as we wanted to. We didn't work against each other, but with each other, which was a hard lesson to learn. Today his wife and me are quite close, and I am grateful, she reacted the way she did. Sounds like his wife totally accepted the fact that her husband had fallen in love with someone else, or over time she came to accept it. Same as me really! I had a hard time to begin with, but then I came to the realisation that these things do happen, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening and there was absolutely nothing I could do to bring him back, if it was his OW that he wanted to be with. I and my ex husband are the best of friends, despite what happened. We also have an 11 year old daughter together and it was because of our daughter that we decided to try and be the best of friends......we didn't want a 'screwed up child', or for her to suffer anymore than she was already suffering at that time. I had to put my feelings on the back burner, to think of her feelings and I'm glad I did! As for his OW, I've never met her, but on the offchance I did, I'd be pleasant with her, although I don't think that I could ever be 'best of friends' with her.
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