UT_longhorn Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Ok guys. I have a question for you guys. I think up until now Loveshack has given me great advice and is a great place for support. I think posting and reading have helped me in many many ways. My only worry is, will constantly being on Loveshack make me think about my relationship too much and thus deter me from moving forward? Or is it actually helping me in a therapeutic form? What are your opinions?
blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 LS helped me through a breakup in 1999, in 2004 and just recently at the end of 2005. I've managed to date numerous people during that time. With a lot of giggles and advice from other people on here.
Tangerina Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Hmmm.... I think Loveshack (and my own past breakup and my room mate's current breakup) have hurt me a little bit in the way that you described.... a lot of people come here to talk about problems so you see a lot and A LOT of what can go wrong.... like for the past 3 days I was in a really bad funk about my relationship caused by overthinking about a conversation my room mate and BF had when they were both drinking and I think the funk was probaly 20% due to the conversation, 50% due to me obsessing about my own insecurities and issues from past relationships, 5% any real problems with BF, and 10% room mate's breakup and 15% pessamistic outlook brought on by reading infinite divorce/cheating/fighting/bad relationship stories on LS..... so beware... sometimes LS can make it seem it is impossible for things to not go horribly wrong....
magda Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 There is definitely a line that can be crossed. There are a lot of obsessive people here on Loveshack and it is Not Healthy. To go over and over and over is damaging. Especially when you consider that a lot of the people have already vented their friends ears off in real life. Without a site like loveshack, that would be a persons cue to start the moving on process. Here, you can forever stay in limbo because there will always be fresh blood to listen to your situation. Even if you are not in a relationship, talking endlessly about relationships and your problems in them and this and that, is just plain depressing. You can over think and overanalyze to the point where you are barely functioning normally anymore. Everything become something to disect. It's unnatural.
blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 It's the person nature to do that regardless of what format they have available to them. I mean, if they don't obsess here, they do it in their heads. At least here, you get someone talking back to you telling you you're being obsessive. Just a thought. Maybe if my psycho ex had had LS he wouldn't have stalked me. There's an idea.
notmakingsense Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Ditto to what magda said, and to blind otter's point -- yes, people who obsess would obsess anyway without LS, but I do think that LS makes it easier. There are so many conversations on here that get you roped back in to obsessing about your own situation again. And, I should mention, I'm a fairly large offender myself. After all, I should be working right now -- but what am I doing? Obsessing! :-)
bluechocolate Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 It's the person nature to do that regardless of what format they have available to them. I mean, if they don't obsess here, they do it in their heads. At least here, you get someone talking back to you telling you you're being obsessive. Just a thought. And a good one at that. Time for some psycho-babble - enablers - I think there are a few of them here too - people who encourage posters, intentionally or not. You see so many threads go on and on and on when really there is nothing left to say.
lindya Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 I think it's helpful. Seeing your own tragedy merge into the vast ocean of stories that all have very similar features is a humbling experience that can leave you with the feeling of "okay - I thought my story was a shocker, but perhaps it wasn't so different after all." I see a little of myself in most posters - be they dumpers, dumpees, the broken, the irreverent piss-takers, the saints and the sarcasm merchants, the betrayed spouse, the other woman, the thinkers, the debaters and the clowns. All the people who post on here in a genuine capacity (ie rather than just coming on purely to stir up trouble and strife) seem to have their own quirks, strengths and weaknesses. You can get into a conversation with someone who's been through similar difficulties to you, or you can strike up a discussion with someone who perhaps thinks and speaks like someone you've been in conflict with out in the real world. Hearing their side of it can, again, help you to gain a better perspective...and (my favourite thing) balance. For me, the most potentially damaging thing when I first started posting was that I tended to gravitate towards reading very embittered misogynistic posts. They still piss me off a bit insofar as I wonder about the effect they might have on women who are trying to regain their trust in men. On the other hand, the board has to reflect a broad spectrum of opinions in order to be dynamic. Also, occasionally reading really antagonistic posts that are designed to wind up can be good practice in the art of brushing off things that don't really matter.
JumpHigh Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 I think LS is helpful to an extent. It is nice to have insight into other people's problems and then you can relate them to yours. And it is nice to hear people's comments and opinions about your problems. But there are some very bitter people on this site and sometimes listening to that advice might make things worse for you. Everyone just has to keep in mind that each situation is different and what works for one person/people might not work for you.
blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Plus I have my agnoized posts from my 2004 breakup to laugh at now. Oh what a mushy, spineless bag or flesh I was back them. I'm only now growing a partial spine.
loony Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 What Magda said. And LS in moderation is good and helpful, but I really can't read more stories about cheating. I guess, before I had a quite optimistic view, probably simplistic, on relationships, but now I have serious doubts if I will ever be able to trust anybody. Somehow I feel my paranoid tendencies have been reenforced. And the more I learn about men, the less I feel that I will ever be compatible and happy with anybody. What is better, to be ignorant and happy or wise and miserable? - Rhetorical question...
kitten chick Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 I don't read the breakup or coping stuff much anymore for that reason. I like a bunch of the people her so I stick around for the water cooler type threads. If I ever start dating again I'll go back to posting in the dating section.
lindya Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 I don't read the breakup or coping stuff much anymore for that reason. I like a bunch of the people her so I stick around for the water cooler type threads. If I ever start dating again I'll go back to posting in the dating section. Same here. LS has become more of a discussion board for me than anything else - though I still answer problems if I think I've got anything to contribute.
kitten chick Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Same here. LS has become more of a discussion board for me than anything else - though I still answer problems if I think I've got anything to contribute. I rarely answer problems anymore but if the people who were around when I went through my breakup are having a problem I do contribute. Because I know their specific situation it doesn't throw me back into mine. There are days when I do think about my ex and days when I don't and that would happen with or without LS. I don't talk about him much anymore unless it's important, like comparing him to cats. Like you lindya, I steer clear of the mysogenistic posts. I think that they were distorting my view for a while but I'm starting to come around after avoiding certain posters. I'll also get off the board when certain posters are hanging around that I believe are damaging to me.
dprelz Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 It is so helpful to read other posts that have nothing to do with yours because you get an idea of what "can" go wrong in relationships. Personally, I didn't imagine there would be such a heated debate on porn and that it could actually ruin a relationship. So many different issues and subjects come up here that when you are in a relationship and it does come up, you at least have 20-30 other point of views, opinions and ideas about the subject. It's like getting extra information, and knowing that the decision you ultimately decide upon is shared by other people as well. As for the breakup part, It's refreshing to hear different ways and methods of how to handle it. The majority of us are going to go through multiple breakups, and the better we get at handling the loss, the quicker we get back out there.
skeptik224 Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Although LS has helped me through a lot of problems, I can see where it can become addictive. It's a fine line, though...you want to come here, vent, realize you aren't alone and discuss points of views but then you realize that it's becomming a little obsessive at times....
Citizen Erased Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 I wouldnt exactly call LS addictive but I can spend alot of my time at work on LS. I think in the main, people are on here to gain different insights into others relationships which is of course healthy, others opinions are a good thing of course! However, there are those who are entirely anti-male or anti-female in their posts, and some do tend to post in the more sensitive threads showing off their negative feelings unneccessarily. But, this is what a Community is all about, and there are always a diverse environment, it is what makes it more interesting! LS is harmless only if doled out in small doses (hahahha)
riobikini Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 There is a time to leave LS. You will recognize it in your gut. But someday you may return when you are stronger and ready to share your experiences with someone else. After all, didn't many share the stories of their pain, heartbreak, failures, successes ,and experiences with you? " I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, Then there is no hurt, but only more love." -Mother Teresa " You can easily judge the character of a man by the way he treats those who can do nothing for him." -Unknown (Smile) And take care, my friend. -Rio
My_Other_I Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 There is a time to leave LS. You will recognize it in your gut. But someday you may return when you are stronger and ready to share your experiences with someone else. This is my situation. I was reading LS right after my breakup and it helped a whole bunch. Not the support (I wasn't a member), but the fact that I started to understand things and I started to understand that I need to work on myself, as opposed to blame my SO. Then I left LS. Then I recovered (almost ) and became a member, with the hope that I could offer something to others who need it. I wish I found LS before I ever entered any relationship:D
bluechocolate Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 For me, the most potentially damaging thing when I first started posting was that I tended to gravitate towards reading very embittered misogynistic posts. They still piss me off a bit insofar as I wonder about the effect they might have on women who are trying to regain their trust in men. Funny, when I first started posting here I was rather taken aback by the amount of male-bashing that went on & was seemingly being condoned & encouraged. I note that you don't seem to have much time for that either, which is nice. On another note - I'm always amused by posts which start, 'My situation is rather unique....'.
pippen_2k Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 This is kinda sad but I dont mean it in a bad way... Everynight when I come home I make a habbit of visiting a few sites, and this is one of them. I kinda enjoy commin in here now and checkin out peoples stories and tradgedies... I think LS is addictive lol But hey, I know people who come here are going through a rough time and I do respect that, Cause thats what I used this place for initially.
lindya Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Funny, when I first started posting here I was rather taken aback by the amount of male-bashing that went on & was seemingly being condoned & encouraged. I note that you don't seem to have much time for that either, which is nice. [/i] Ha! Perhaps when we first post on LS we are unconsciously seeking out the thoughts of the ex...and because we want to detach from that person we attribute to their ghost every comment we read that's derogatory about our gender.
witabix Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Yes, I have wondered the same thing. LS may be dragging me back into a mind state that I don't need to be in. I think of it as kind of repository of thought/experience. I found this site whilst googling platonic friendships/cross gender friendships or something similar. I read the posts I could find. It gave me pause for thought. I posted my story and received what I considered to be unbiased opinions. It helped me see that I was not being delusional, that others would see the same thing I was seeing. I also saw the various reactions that people advised. I took my own way through that particular problem, but always kept LS in the back of my mind. I printed out http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t21283/?highlight=platonic+hidden+friend and actually gave it my gf to read. That really did help her to see what I was on about. I pointed out the date and the fact that this was something that other people had had a problem with. It caused her to think again. It didn't change things overnight, but it formed part of a catalyst for change. Now I post here to make people laugh, and think, about relationships. To help people as I was helped. My posting rate will drop over time I guess. But I will always be around here, I think.
blind_otter Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 Yes, I have wondered the same thing. LS may be dragging me back into a mind state that I don't need to be in. Don't blame a nonsentient website, bubby. Nothing and no one can drag you into a mind state but yer big white butt. (I don't know if it's THAT big... ) When I first came here the format was different (much more inconvenient and complicated) - and there weren't any memberships or the like. Just random voices of misery banding together to bolster each other up and give (sometimes) great advice. Now it's become more of a community of all the people who naturally obsess about love and their relationships anyways. Besides, the committed relationship is like the new religion nowadays. If they believe in nothing else...
RZA-Man Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I've found LS to be quite helpful. It's given me perspective and solace at a time when I was reeling from the immense pain of getting dumped. In that sense I think it's healthy. However, if you're using LS as a conduit to wallow in your misery and prevent yourself from moving on then I think the site can be unhealthy. It really comes down to the person. If the person uses the site in moderation - it's all good. If a person would rather brood and read LS rather that get on with life, that's bad news. For those of you on LS who could be going out and meeting new people - GET OFF YOUR BUT AND GO OUT! But if you're at work and going on LS instead of working - there's nothing wrong with that
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