Suburbanlife03 Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 I went to his house Monday. I just wanted to talk to him to find out exactly where we stand. He still maintained that he didn't want a relationship anymore and that we were completely over. He said that there will never be another chance for us. The twisted part is that he said that he wanted to be alone for the rest of his life. He still loves me and he does want to be with my but he said that he just can't. I apologized for all the things I did wrong and he just wouldn't listen to me. I poured my heart out to him and he just told me to go away and forget about him. I told him that I didn't want to give up on us because I knew that we still loved each other and he told me that I had to. He said he's still hurt right now. He said that my trying to get back with him and talk to him isn't making this any easier and that he wishes I could just hate him so he wouldn't feel bad. I know that he still loves me and that he does want to be with me but he said that he couldn't bring himself to say it because it hurt too much. I asked him what he was trying to do & he said he just wants to erase me from his life like none of this ever happened. How do you erase 2 1/2 years of being together every waking moment outside of work and school? How do you erase having someone to cuddle up next to at night and in the morning? I just don't understand. I know that all of this is because he's being stubborn and hurt. I know that he loves me and does want me back, but he won't let himself take me back because he thinks that things will just go back to the way they were before even though I swore they wouldn't. I'm afraid right now. I feel like it really is over even though neither of us wants it to be. I know I can't go over there again or try to contact him again. I just don't know how to get over this. I asked him if he meant what he had always said about getting married, raising our kids together, and growing old together. He just started tearing up. I guess that time is the only healer here. I just still can't get it out of the back of my mind that he may come back someday. If you still love each other, isn't that the way it should be? He told me that he would be going to drive to Seattle on Wednesday. That's a 37 hour drive from here. He's going by himself. I'm just hoping that he will think about us while he's driving there and maybe realize that he does want to give me another chance. I know that if he ever had a long enough period of alone time he would want to come back. The problem with that is he has a big family that he lives with and his Mom hates me. She constantly fills his head with garbage about me. I just don't know what to do. My best friend told me that I should give him a couple of months to himself to get over the hurt and then try to contact him. (He's the kind of guy that won't call you even if he does want you back because he'd feel guilty.) He quit his job at the liquor store over 5 years ago and he still won't walk into the store because he feels guilty for quitting, just to give you some insight to his personna. He's not your average guy. All throughout high school and college he always stayed at home with his parents and didn't hang out with anyone. He never dated, I was his first serious relationship. Now he just plans on staying home every night with his parents again. He never went out and did anything until he started dating me. I'm hoping that he won't like reverting back to his old way of life after experiencing what life could be. I hope that this little trip he's taking by himself may be an eye opener of that. What is your opinion of this? The majority of the reason we broke up is because of his mother. He's the type of guy that will never tell his mother 'no'. He's 23 years old and he still caters to her every whim. When she started being cruel to me is when all the problems started. We never fought until she started opening her mouth to me all the time about what a bad person I am and just generally trying to hurt me. She's a crazed hippie woman. That's why before we broke up I told him that he needed to start saying something to her when she said things to me in front of him, or I was going to start sticking up for myself and it wasn't going to be polite.
CaliGuy Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Not sure what your question is. He's made it very clear that he wants to be by himself. He's very confused and doesn't know what he wants, only that he wants to be alone right now. Nothing you say or do is going to change his mind right now. In fact, he made it clear that if you persist it will only push him away further. He has some personal demons to slay and the only person that can do that is him. He doesn't seem to be in the right frame of mind to have a healthy relationship. The best thing you can do is stick to NC. He has to change, his heart has to change and any attempts to maniuplate his feelings will be futile. Time may change him but in the interim you should let go. Do you want him to be happy? Do you love him enough for him to truly be happy even if it's not with you? That's the true test of how much you love someone, that you are willing to let them go. Now I believe it's time for you to take care of yourself. Do what is best for you which means letting your heart heal. The only thing here you are in control of is yourself, your feelings and how you heal. If you maintain hope, if you wait around for two months to contact him first and he hasn't changed, you will just be back to square one and feeling terrible. Let him go. Now focus on hanging out with friends, invest time in your hobbies, go work out at the gym (it's a proven fact that excercise helps fight off depression) and keep your time occupied. When you find yourself thinking about him have a few things handy in your mind that you like that makes you happy. It might also help to focus on the negatives he has. He's not perfect. He has faults and things that bug you about him. Instead of putting him on a pedestle, why not write down all the bad things about him on a piece of paper. Keep it handy when you start to think about what a great guy he is and refer back to his faults. Over time you may realize he wasn't that great after all. And until you heal yourself you will not be ready or accepting of the next guy who comes into you life, who may truly be the one for you. Good luck.
symbol Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 What a nice reply CaliGuy. I am in a somewhat similar situation as Suburbanlife03 and your reply was something that I needed to hear. I agree with your every word. Letting go is the only way to deal with a break up. Once that someone leaves you, they do what is best for them. After they leave, now it is our turn to do what is best for us. That definitely includes taking better care of ourselves both phsically and psychologically. I have been on NC for 3 months now. And every day, I feel better than the day before. And it is true that time is the only healer. Cheers, S.
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