buzzie2 Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 can someone decode this guys behavior? Well my bf always used to get on my case when I was unemployed. I use to do a lot of volunteer work but that wasn't good enough for him. Well, I finally go myself a decent job at a store that is union. When I first told him this several months ago that I got the job, he sounded happy for me and said "I hope it works out for you"!. Okay, now here's where it gets confusing. After my first couple of shifts, I phoned him and told him how well it was going, and how nice everyone was. He sounded really depressed, and just said in an upset voice "so it's working out for you". I don't understand his behavior. First he wants me to be working, but then when I find a job I enjoy he's not happy. Does anyone have any ideas? Oh, and he makes tons of money at his job, but he has horrible hours. He's a chef in an oil rig camp. Do you think he may secretly be unhappy at his job?
magda Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Was it just that one comment on the phone or has he been consistently negative about your enjoyment? I ask because it might have just been a case of distraction on the phone or maybe you were dominating the conversation when he'd had a bad day, etc.
Author buzzie2 Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 no, it wasnt just that one time. He also has made several other sarcastic remarks about me getting that job, including "so, you're going to be in the work force now," (in a mean voice). He also admitted to me that he was really unhappy that he never finished his college degree, and that he was depressed that he became a chef, and what a worthless profession it is.
cygny Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 maybe he feels jealous and a little threatened...like you're now his equal or something... some men have control issues. it isn't rational. usually, they stay that way. you can try to pretend you don't have the job or you might have to get a crummier job or break up. but, he doesn't want to be upstaged.
Tangerina Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 My Ex decided to go to ballet school instead of college right away since he had promise as a dancer... I went straight to college a year before him (since he is a little bit youger) and after 2 years I decided to switch schools to be in this Environmental Science program that I really wanted to do... so anyways, when I got in I was so psyched and he was with me when I got the call so I am like "I got in, oh boy, this is great... etc..." and he didn't say anything... "Aren't you happy for me?" I ask.. "Yah, I am, I knew you would get in" (in grumpy voice, like no big deal, of course you got in)... so my family and his go out to dinner that night to celebrate and he doesn't say anything all night... basically, my sucess just made him feel like a failure.... I was doing positive things for myself and going for what I wanted and he wasn't quite sure what he wanted and had started to feel lame for not going straight to college... so he resented me for doing what he wished he was doing.... sounds like the same situation for you, if you ask me...
lilmoma1973 Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Maybe it is as what cgny said he is jealous that and the fact he is unhappy in his and you aren't.. Maybe he wants a job that he can be happy with and he envys you because you are and he isn't!
cygny Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 parents used to be like this. never happy for me when i achieved something, and always minimized it or ignored it or even said stuff like--why didn't you do better... really, if you don't have to be around a person like this, i don't see why you'd want to...it will just tear you down, destroy your self-esteem, you'll have to lower your aspirations to make them feel comfortable... i had to 'coach' them for years before they stopped it or did it less, had to practically tell them what to say that was positive. i only did it because they were my parents and i was stuck with them. with a man, i think it's even harder, their egos are in the way that much more.
Author buzzie2 Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 I just remembered something that happened a long time before I got this job. It happened about a year and a half ago. Me and my mother got published in a feature article for a national magazine. ( Woman's World ). I remember that my bf was acting really strange for about a month after the article came out. First he said he never saw it, even though I told him he could buy it for 2.50 at any major grocery or retail store. Then even one time that I mentioned the article, he SNAPPED at me. So maybe it isnt just the job that makes his jealous, he doesnt like ANYTHING nice to happen to me. Do you think I'm right.
magda Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 You would know better than us and everything you've told us so far supports your belief. So what are you going to do about it?
Author buzzie2 Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 well I suppose the smart thing would be to break up with him. It's just going to be hard because we've been together for 3 years. Should I talk to him first, and ask him why it bothers him so much if I'm a success? Maybe he just needs some help with his self esteem. Is there a way I could do this without having to end things? He does have SOME good points.
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