Amacada Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 This is my story...please excuse the length: I was going out with a girl for 4 months, but then had to go overseas (home) for 6 weeks. The first 5 weeks while away, things were great. We texted/emailed/called every few days and I received lots of “love you” and “miss you”’s. About a week before I returned however, these seemed to dry up. I eventually brought up the topic just before I returned and my ex told me that she was confused but that she was “sure everything will be fine once you’re back”. I must add that when I do visit home, I tend to put on weight….A LOT of weight (Mum’s cooking, going out for lunch dinner etc. lol) and this time was no different. It only happens once every couple of years. I had informed my ex about this, but assured her that the weight drops off when I return. I don’t like being overweight – I feel incredibly uncomfortable, so losing it isn’t an effort. We got into an argument about this while I was at home because she said that I was always saying I would do things without following through – namely giving up smoking (she smokes), but this is something that I am still attempting and have cut down considerably. So my integrity may be questionable, but not so my effort. (Don’t worry, this seemingly pointless paragraph becomes relevant later on ) So I returned….and the relationship ended pretty much within half-an-hour of seeing her. Previously, years ago, I have made all the basic errors post break-up (begging/pleading etc.) so made a concerted effort not to go down the same track. I allowed myself 10 minutes to state how I felt and ask any questions I may have had, and then play it cool and employ NC. We went for a drink that night and I did just that. There was crying from both parties and almost a sense of disbelief that it had come to the end (again, from both parties). I asked her if there was anything I could do/say to change her mind and she said there wasn’t. From that moment on, my mind-set changed. Even during that evening I became extremely level-headed about everything, so much so that the ex commented how sensible I seemed about the situation. I said things like “Well, of course I’m upset but you’ve told me there is nothing I can do, so I just have to accept it and not beat myself up over it”. She wanted to remain friends, which I politely refused. But we did agree to meet up again in a month (now a couple of weeks away). I told her not to call during that month to give us both space. She emailed a few days later (failure to follow simple instructions lol) and I replied with a light-hearted, jokey email. I have spoken to her once since (online…initiated by me L ) and again, I remained level-headed and light-hearted to the point that the ex asked “Do you miss me, or are you over that?”. I reiterated that yes I did miss her, but again I wasn’t going to upset myself excessively over something that (by her own admission) I had no control over. I didn’t mention “us” during that encounter, but she certainly tried to illicit some admission from me about my feelings…which I avoided at all costs. I terminated the conversation after 10 minutes (always leave them wanting more! ). And we haven’t spoken since – and I will maintain NC until we meet in a couple of weeks. I feel really good about the situation because I didn’t become submissive, apart from the 10 minutes I allowed myself, and I haven’t been beating myself up over the break up. I really do feel like I will be able to move on if that’s what it comes to – although I don’t think this ‘saga’ is over just yet. Now, the weight issue: On reflection, I am wondering if my (again, excessive…20+lb) weight gain was the reason, or if not at least a factor in her decision? She made her concerns about my weight known before I left, dropped in the odd little comment while I was away (and the argument) and also made her decision quite quickly on my return, considering she was the one that said “Wait and see what happens when you get back” and that things would “be alright once you get back”. It almost seemed as though her mind was made up once she set eyes on my bulking frame waddling through the door She had also taken the day off work for when I arrived back so that we could spend the day together (this was organised by her in the last week of my trip), but all of a sudden she had to meet a girlfriend for lunch that day…and our ‘day together’ was reduced to about an hour. As predicted, my weight is coming down (10lbs off in 2 weeks) and I truly feel less heart-broken than ever after the ending of a relationship – not a reflection on the strength of my feelings for her, but more a reflection on my handling of the situation. I guess I just want to know if anyone thinks that it sounds like my weight was an issue, and also if the approach I have taken (staying aloof and not talking about ‘us’) is right….it feels right, but would love to receive some input. Thanks
riobikini Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Dear, Dear, Dear, Amacada, She is much too shallow for you. You can do better. I am grinning from ear to ear, tho, -regarding your success in taking the weight off that, obviously, bothered you, as well her. But do it for you, my friend, -not because someone else promises to love you if it's gone. You're beautiful anyway, simply because you are able to love. (Smile) -Rio
Author Amacada Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 Thanks Rio. Gaining 20lbs in 6 weeks...it just goes to show that I can achieve anything when I apply myself I am definitely losing the weight for me - I honestly don't like the extra weight and don't feel at all comfortable, and besides that I am restricted to one pair of jeans and 3 shirts that fit me at the moment I'm assuming from your comment about her being shallow that you think (as I do) that the weight *is* an issue? If it is, then yes she is far too shallow....and she can kiss my (soon to be skinny) ass!
Author Amacada Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 Am, That's the right spirit! (Smile) -Rio Cheers Rio When I read your 1st post, my initial - and subsequent - reaction has been anger (towards her). And that, for me, is good. I haven't been submissive since the night of the break-up, and have always felt confident that ultimately the decision whether or not to resume the relationship would come down to me. That may, or may not happen, but I now see it as less of a decision to make if it does eventuate, and more of a formality. After telling me of her past abusive relationships, and how different I was - the fact that I treated her with respect and as an equal - she ends it because I put on weight? WTF? Oh well, I guess being treated with respect isn't as important as being seen with a thin man, eh? lol I'm considering cancelling meeting up with her as planned in a couple of weeks. I feel that perhaps focussing on moving on without that particular liaison hanging over my head might be a more healthy prospect. In the words of the Soup Nazi - "No Soup for you!!!!.......NEXT!"
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