j.carsey Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Wow, been a while since I was in these forums. wish it was undr better circumstances!!! (I'm the dude). anyway i had the awkward experience of breaking up with my ex-girlfriend while i was moving far from town, possibly to never return. Which is hard to do because there were never any fights, pain or other problems before. I didn't dump her abruptly because i wanted to try and stay friends. i was hoping she would understand that the relationship was over at that point. And I made it clear when leaving: we're not dating any more. I have not dated anyone in the meantime Then when i visited my hometown again, she was around and did give me a call. So we started hanging out again which was pretty easy to do because we didn't really have anger at the breakup. but here's where things went wrong, because we got pretty intimate again. i wont get into details but I did not push it on her, she set up the situation and we had a moment of weakness together which I think we share blame for (she blames me). but uh oh, suddenly it was like we were dating agin and then I left again. we've talked on the phone since and i said . yeah i really messed it up, I should not have done that. But she is really upset and I feel bad about that bcause shes taking it much harder than I am. I said I made a mistake, i shouldnt have acted all cuddly when meeting her again and said that's the end of it. not dating any more she obviously feels really crappy bceause its an emotional roller coaster, dating, then broken up, then seriously intimate again and then ?? For me it's OVER, i have no interest in going back to her and told her that. Man did she get uspet when she heard that. she said it's like i've been tricking her all along, that I wasn't into her yet I led her on. that's not how I feel about it because I told her it's over, and she led me along. so that's the relationship side of it, and if I didn't have such a history with her (like being good friends for 3 yrs bfeore dating) i'd just say to hell with her and that's the end of that. But i don't want to kill a friendship in this way because really, I have few good friends and she's one of them. She pretty much made it clear that i should not contact her any more. that was a conversation we had when she was very, very emotional (and sick with the flu) so I know she was in the crappiest mood possible. But i wanted to ask you people, is there any way i can still stay friends with her somehow? even if it means not contacting her for a year and then dropping a line later. Not to try and get back together, i don't care about that. i'm even just interested in what she's up to like i'd be interested about any of my guy friends. Do you think even that's a bad idea? Should I just wipe her out of my life? seems like an awful thing to do to someone who i have been friends with for a long time. Or should i hold off, if she wants to she can look me up. after all she knows im more resilient abou this. (in fact she thinks this stuff rolls off my back, and that upsets her too because i dont seem madly upset) because i have had past girl friends who, even after breaking up, we kept in contact with and it never crossed the line back into dating. and I like staying friends because every girlfriend i've had has started as a good friend. But this ex right now, shes the first one who has really told me to stay away. personality wise she is also more serious and no-nonsense, more mature than my past girlfriends Should I totally stay away? what if she contacts me again to chat (which I gotta say is likely given our history). i can handle myself so my #1 concern is not adding to her life stress. I know she is a stressed lady. What should i do for her best interest? remember, including if she calls me to talk. please help!
Geoffrey Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 My ex GF and I recently exchanged some nasty words....she's in a very bad mental state right now, with severe depression. I wrote to her, apologized for my part of the nasty words, and told her I will not be contacting her for some time, but if she wanted to write or call me I would respond. This was a week ago. Depression can cause enormous anger and irritation to come out of a person. I know, I was the same way about three years ago, so I recognize what is going on with her. But with hard work and counseling, I became well again. I would want the same for her, with or without me in her life. She has MUCH work to do on herself. We were soooo very close for so long and I think it would be a shame to throw all that out....but for right now, being friends with her is going to be damn near impossible. I didn't exactly shut the door, but I am NOT going to be the one who opens it any time soon, either. And that is where it will stay for now. She knows where to find me.
bluechocolate Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 But i wanted to ask you people, is there any way i can still stay friends with her somehow? Not right now, because... .....she pretty much made it clear that i should not contact her any more. You should respect her wishes. If she calls you then, of course, speak to her, but I'd tread carefully there too in your position.
UT_longhorn Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 i would love in the future to be able to be friends with my ex. its been 4 weeks since we broke up. Shes the one who broke it off with me so Im going to wait until I'm fully healed before I even contact her. I think you need to give her much more time before you initiate friendship. I don't think shes completely against it...she was just hurt because she thought that could have been a second chance and her dreams were crushed. Give her aloooot of time. Im sure she will turn around later.
lexilas Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 j carsey - I have a question for you. Did you ever have feelings for her? and if so, were you able to just turn them off once you decided to move out of town? As far as remaining friends - I think you should not contact her for a while (at least a year - if not more). As long as she still has feelings for you, there is no way she's going to get over you keep in contact. You actions would be keeping her hope alive - despite what is coming from your mouth. Her mind will tell her that you still care for her as a gf - why else would you still be keeping in touch.
CaliGuy Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 She doesn't want to stay friends because for her she has an emotional attachment to you. Since you have made it clear you don't want to date her, she can not be friends with you, at least not right now, as it will impede her ability to get over this and find someone else. Respect her wishes and leave her be. If she wants to be friends again she will let you know.
Geoffrey Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 My ex GF is still friends with some of her other ex BFs....when we broke up, she mentioned that due to the extra-strength emotional attachment we had, I may be the only one she cannot bear to be friends with....and I know what she means, cuz I tend to feel the same way about her. So we'll see where it goes from here. I suppose it could be considered an honor to be held in such high emotional regard that she doesn't want to be friends!
skeptik224 Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 You need to give her the time she needs to heal. It wouldn't be fair for you to contact her. IF she contacts you, be careful. It sucks when you date a friend and it doesn't work out. Trust me...I'm in that spot now. I'm sure once she's healed, you'll be able to work on a friendship. But, I have a question...if you broke up because you moved away, why don't you want to date her? It just seems like there's a little more to the story. I'm friends with an ex from about 2 years ago who hurt me really bad. But...it took a lot of time - about 1 1/2 years - for me to be able to talk to her again. It's only been recently that we've gotten together - AS FRIENDS - to hang out. There's such a fine line right now...she wants more...you need to give her space and let her breathe and heal... I'm sure she'll be contacting you again at some point.
Author j.carsey Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 j carsey - I have a question for you. Did you ever have feelings for her? and if so, were you able to just turn them off once you decided to move out of town? As far as remaining friends - I think you should not contact her for a while (at least a year - if not more). As long as she still has feelings for you, there is no way she's going to get over you keep in contact. You actions would be keeping her hope alive - despite what is coming from your mouth. Her mind will tell her that you still care for her as a gf - why else would you still be keeping in touch. This makes really good sense. Thanks, everyone as well for your replies. I'm still not really sure what to say if she contacts me, but I will definitely not contact her. To answer your question: did I ever have feelings for her? Of course! I enjoyed every moment I spent together with her. moving to a new place and being alone was much worse without having her. So I thought about her a lot, felt bad and this is why I was still talking with her routinely even after I left. I dreamt of her, knowing it was just a fantasty to get back together and that I should not do it. Why else, because I missed her! And I couldn't control myself when I went back to visit and got to see her again. This goes two ways. She felt the same conflict, that's why we did this back and forth when we should have just called it quits and stayed away. You know it's funny because she asked me the same thing you asked, did I really ever have feelings for her? She thinks that because I didnt demonstrate an outpouring of grief it looks like I was easily able to walk away from it all. I didn't easily walk away from it!! I was able to handle it only because I knew she didn't really disappear, she was still someone I would see again in the future and that made me happy and relieved. im a young guy and I have NOT dated a lot of women. I don't have much experience in this area, she is the one who knows more realistically how breakups should work. She warned me early on that it would be hard to break up since we were growing so close. I was comforted that i would still be able to see her even when we were not dating; she mistook my enthusiasm for seeing her again as meaning I was still involved. it's too bad really, but yeah it is way better to not contact her now. I don't feel the urge to get back together at ALL, i'm just concerned about her state and I don't like making people unhappy
Author j.carsey Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 But, I have a question...if you broke up because you moved away, why don't you want to date her? It just seems like there's a little more to the story. Everyone, thanks again for your replies you're all awesome and it really helps. to answer thisi question, I am very new to dating. she's the first girl i dated seriously, i am substantially younger than her. She has a way more complicated history than me. Past depression and i know that in past relationships the more serious they got the more they hurt her eventually. I did NOT want to ruin her life. i'm an amateur at even communicating feelings, i'm in a different age category than her. I have no education, no job and no prospects. Shes sounding like she wants a real long term boyfriend. We would be a ridiculous pair, given where i am in life and where she is in life. if I kept dating her I was pretty sure that I would end up hurtng her so badly that her major depression would come back, or something much worse. I know from her friends and family what kind of stuff she has gone through in the past. We were dating for less than a year, I am absolutely serious when i say that i did not want to ruin her life or wreck her emotionally for the next decade. This seriously could have happened if we kept dating. we didn't live together, and i thought things were starting to look so serious that it scared me. * I * would not be able to handle it, because although i loved her I did not feel serious about settling down at this stage in life. how could i, i'm just starting to get an education. And i know nothing about women, zippo. I know so little that she has tried to give me tips all the time, even while dating she corrects me and tells me in the future i should never say that kind of stuff around women or other faux pas. She told me, she KNOWS that i am way too young for her and from a different world that can not mix. there were also major cultural differences. Different religion, culture, political beliefs, work ambitions. We were different in many ways but there was a huge attraction in other ways. We always had fun together, never had fights, always made each other relax and the sex was... well just out of this world, like "something to write home about".
Author j.carsey Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Hmmm, ... since I last posted here, my ex has (as I expected) sent me an email. She wrote a lot about being an alcoholic, and i already knew that she had problems with alcohol in the past but I didn't know it was a huge ongoing struggle. This was something she kept a secret from me for the 8 months we were dating. but I am not that surprised to hear it at all She apologized for keeping it a secret. she also wrote "i really don't feel like talking to you for a while. a long while. I love you and if I can't be with you fine". I think we're on the same wavelength. she's not crying to get back together, and neither am I. do you think it would be a mistake if I sent a quick reply back, saying basically I agree that we shouldn't talk but thank you for telling me about your problem. She said the message is about part of the recovery process from alcoholism, that is to make amends. Should I stay silent or would that be rude?
UnderWorld Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 To me for u to post this obviously you care and you want to be in her life one way or another. You seriously led her on tho when u came back and the loving feeling came back and she felt used. It hurts her too much to talk to you and u just need to get over it.
Author j.carsey Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 The part that confuses me over all is, why do I get the blame for leading her around or jerking her around (as she puts it). I was doing fine staying a respectful distance from getting back into her life, until she expertly lured me back to her place one night after we were out doing something social during which I was drinking. She set up the situation, I did not. I neither jumped on her, nor did I beg her to get back together with me. She pulled me back close to her and I couldn't help myself because I adored her, just as she couldn't help herself because she adored me. "It takes two" as they say. So why do I get the blame? Is it because I'm the man, and I control the relationship? I doubt that's it. I'd just appreciate it if someone can explain to me why I've been the bad guy here. I'm not an expert dater, and unless I learn it's not going to help me in the long run.
jerbear Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 "It takes two" as they say. So why do I get the blame? Is it because I'm the man, and I control the relationship? I doubt that's it. It does take two to tango. It seems that you two still have something, either lust or a romantic spark. I could never figure out a woman's heart but once a romantic kiss or sex gets involved; many things get turned on. Logic and reason for men just doesn't make sense to women sometimes. You going back seems to either look for her or seek closure which didn't happen. Honestly the alcoholism is very hard to deal with, I've had my share of depressed people. It is not easy to stand by them when you have friendly feelings versus loving feelings. You can lead her to a clinic and be a shoulder for her; but this road is dangerous. She will get attached. She will have to get out of her predicament herself. Unfortunately, without you as a lover and maybe even a friend.
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