What is going on with him??

[mel1128]

Okay, where do I start...

 

First, I'm 20, my bf is 21. We have been together for six and a half years. In two years I will be going out of state to vet school. My bf is currently a month away from graduating the police academy. For a long time, he couldn't decide whether he was going to stay here and work while I went to school...or if he would move with me. His parents told him to stay. A few months ago he decided he was going to come with me, as we both knew that our relationship would probably be over if he stayed here....neither of us could do a long distance thing. We want to be together; we love each other so much and over the years it has just continued to grow. We are wonderful together, we compliment each other..etc etc. We just fit. We want to spend the rest of our lives together and intend to get married; in fact I think he is planning on proposing soon (maybe even valentine's day).

 

However...when he finally got the guts to tell his parents that he had decided he would move with me, they flipped out. Told him I was a selfish b*tch, that I didn't support his career, that he was making a huge mistake. That we would never make it. That moving was a huge step down career-wise (even though its only for four years then we would come back here). And that they would never forgive him, or accept the decision, and would not come to our wedding. Mind you...before this happened...they loved me, and never had a problem with our relationship. His mother even used to ask when he was going to propose. Now it has all changed. She hates me, mostly because I am the girl that is "taking her baby boy away"...even though she won't admit thats the reason. So I am no longer allowed at their house (where he still lives). Okay with me....except for the fact that now I never get to see him.

 

Before, it used to be that I would go to his house during the week and he would come to mine on the weekends, because during the week he would have things to do at night ie iron his clothes, shine his shoes, etc. It was easier for us to do it that way. Now, since I can't go there, he refuses to come here during the week. He works daytime hours at the academy, gets off at 4:30 but somehow doesn't think its "worth it" to come see me at night. We live about 25 min from each other...and his parents expect him home at 9:30-10 pm because they don't like being woken up after they've gone to bed. So he thinks that by the time he gets home from work, gets his stuff ready for the next day, and drives over here we only get to spend 3 hours together which he says isnt worth it, and won't come over during the week. So I see him Friday, Sat, Sun...basically, when its convenient for him.

 

Okay, fine..I can handle that. But then add the fact that I ask him to call me once a night, just to chat for a little while. Somehow, that has even become too much to ask. He doesn't call, and when I ask why, he says he was busy, and that it is "pointless" to call me when he can't see me. I get hurt/mad, we fight, he says he'll call next time...but in the end it keeps happening over and over again. If I bring it up, he gets annoyed and tells me to stop being a "spoiled brat" and that I'm too "needy" and to stop "whining".

 

So basically I feel used. We are really great together when we are actually together. We get along well, have fun, and really love one another. But during the week, I feel as though he just doesn't have the time for me and doesn't really care. I feel as though he should MAKE the time, but he just doesn't see it that way. It hurts, because I know if I were in his shoes...I'd find time to go see him and/or call at night. It feels like I am in two different relationships...the one I have on the weekends I absolutely love, the one during the week...I absolutely hate.

 

I really don't know what to do. After a month of this endless cycle...I feel tired, used, upset, angry, and depressed all at the same time. I can't talk to him about it, because he just gets really annoyed, and that backfires and I get even less of his time. I just feel I should be more of a priority and fear that if he can't even find the time of day for me when he's working a day job...what will happen when he becomes a cop and starts working all the crazy shifts? I just can't make him understand how much this is really affecting me; believe me I've tried talking to him about it over and over again and I never get anywhere. I feel really bad that I am getting so upset over this situation, especially after the huge sacrifice he has decided to make for me in going to VA. I really just don't know what to do and don't know where else to turn anymore. Please, thoughts/advice anyone?????

[cygny]

a 15-minute talk per day is pretty minimal to keep communication and connection going if you guys are going to marry etc.

 

if you are asking him to hang on the phone for hours, i could see his point.

 

my guess is he feels the disapproval of his parents. the setup sounds a little suffocating to me.

 

maybe some independence would be healthy--ie him living on his own for awhile before getting married??

 

you guys need to learn how to work through your problems before getting engaged, IMO. this is just the beginning. you need to learn how to approach him, he needs to learn how to listen and consider your feelings, bottom line.

[mel1128]

maybe some independence would be healthy--ie him living on his own for awhile before getting married??

 

you guys need to learn how to work through your problems before getting engaged, IMO. this is just the beginning. you need to learn how to approach him, he needs to learn how to listen and consider your feelings, bottom line.

 

I COMPLETELY AGREE!!!!! I have tried telling him over and over that moving out would be best for him...he doesn't want to hear it. We've talked about it for the last two years on and off...he always says he isn't ready. At first, he said he wasn't financially stable enough. Now, he's got $9K saved up and counting..but I guess that was just an excuse before. He says now that he doesn't want to have to adjust to life as a cop and moving out at the same time, and that it would be 6 months to a year before he will even think about moving out. I just don't get it...he's miserable at home - his parents especially his mother constantly harp about this situation and trash talk me (which is a whole other issue that he lets them disrespect me), and he hates being around it, and if he moved out him and I could spend a lot more time together. Its win-win, but I guess he just doesn't see it that way...so its not an option at this point. Although it would be the best solution...

 

Anyone else? I'd really love to get ideas/opinions from you guys!!

[Nur]

Wow! That sounds similar in many ways to a problem I faced, too. My boyfriend and I dated all summer, but when I started school, it was away from him. I only see him on weekends now.

 

At first, he didn't even think to call me during the week -- it never occured to him. Note that this is not spite, or lack or care (as my instict told me it was) it is just something about guys. They like to put their lives into little compartments, and guess where "Girlfriend" goes. That's right -- another compartment.

 

It's not that he doesn't love you, or feel strongly about you. But try to discuss the issue with him openly, and calmly. If you can't do this without him flipping out on you and calling you "whiny" and "needy" then you have serious communication problems to address.

 

I explained to my boyfriend that when he didn't call, I felt used or forgotten, like if I was physically in front of him then he remembered me, but otherwise I was out of his mind. He was actually surprised by this -- from his perspective, he was carrying his love for me in his heart, and by working hard in school and throwing himself into everything during the week, he was doing what would be best for the future (earning scholarships, etc.) It honestly never occured to him that I needed to talk during the week to keep the connection strong, and that when he failed to call I felt lonely and forgotten and resentful.

 

He tries to call more, now, which is certainly an improverment, and I try to keep busy as well, not sit here and dwell on how he's not calling. It makes it a lot easier for the both of us. We haven't gotten everything worked out perfectly yet, but we're trying.

 

It's tough, what you're going through. You're used to having constant attention and affection, and now you think, "Why doesn't he just want to talk?" In return, you might either become openly angry about it and confront him, or passively be disinterested in sex or intimacy when you do see him, thinking he'll catch the hint.

 

Neither will work. You've just got to talk, and make him understand. If he doesn't take you seriously, you need to deal with it, or else you will be miserable for the rest of your life. His not being there is not something that will go away, especially for a cop. He needs to learn how to prioritize, and you need to keep busy so you don't dwell. If he continues to blow you off or won't take you seriously, then I would consider leaving him. It won't get any better if you are not trying, and his ignoring of your feelings does not bode well at all.

[reader]

He is listening to his parents.

 

It is very important you understand this. Read what they said, read what he said.

 

He might be confused, but you both have plenty of time. Stick to your goals, and see what happens. Personally, I would stop asking. You will know your answer soon.

 

Take care.