Handling a "Break" in a realtionship

[Starhero]

I have already exusted all my friends advice and my parents could give too ****s about my girlfriend...or well idk if i am allowed to even call her that anymore.

 

Let me explain everything...even more then my friends know

 

First off I am keeping her Identity hidden for reasons you will understand later. Her name will be referred to as Tina.

 

Me and Tina met thro an ex of mine..bad choice on our part ...maybe. The ex i only dated for 2 weeks or less and still was upset over that.

 

We talked very little for the month that we first knew each other but later on I got a myspace message from her asking for my number. I gave it to her and we started talking. The first conversation was very good. We even started already talking about going out. Later on that night or maybe it was the next day she basically said yes to going out.

 

For me starting a relationship takes about a week. Once i actually feel the compulsion to call her i know i am attached...Yes attached i attach VERY easily. In the begging i warned her about what i do that usually ruins my relationships. I call obsessively and i will be basically ALL over her. It only starts this way later on i do calm down. She agreed to all this an also says that she is sorta the same. That enlightened me and i starting thinking this might be the "one". Too early to say that after only going out for a week or so but i kept an open mind.

 

The first month was perfect. I live in central New Jersey and she lives in south. I had to take 2 trains and a bus to get to her each time. But it was great.

 

Now to get a little personal...on my side and sorta hers

 

I found out about her past in the first month and it really didn't bother me as much as i thought..She told me she had be with like 15 guys and some were just one night stands! I am 18 and she is 19. This info could have bother a lot of other guys but as a strong believer that people can change i didn't care. Plus at the same time i was starting to fall for her. I continuously called her and she talked me.

 

The other past that did bother me but only a little was that she was a BIG druggie. She did everything including shooting up. Me? I am a straight edge. Only just recently did ONE thing but I'll get to that.

 

She got busted with the just baggies of crack and cocaine in her car about 6 months before i even met her. She got conditional discharge having to only pay 50 dollars every month till probation was over and only got one year. Her car was impounded.

 

She told me that she will NEVER go back to what she did ever and i told her good cuz I'd with out a second thought break up with her. She agreed.

 

In the course of the first month she got a letter of VOP (violation of probation) The reason was that a letter that never got too her that had info about her first probation time. So there for she missed probation. We (as in her and me and her family) thought that she was prolly going to court and was going to just say she didn't get the paper, what else could she do?!? Turns out she just went to see the senior probation officer telling her when she will start and that her probation is restarted. They said some time early January for the first time.

 

To this point there isn't a single problem in the relationship. Not even a hint.

 

By the begging of the second month I was started to see a difference in her. She was getting annoyed of my calls but was being kind about it. She wouldn't talk very long for 2 reason, she went to bed early and of god dam freaking call waiting always CHIMING in(get it?).

 

Something I forgot to mention was in about the second week of being together i brave public transportation even over my fears of it.(now it ain't a problem) I came over for a week end and even slept with her! First time for sleeping with someone on my part. We didn't have sex per sa but we did do things. I ...I out of all people said no to it out of fear. I have been a virgin (officially) before her.

 

I continued to go over her house EVERY WEEKEND. This was in part by both of us. She wanted to see me and i wanted to see her. I KNEW we were seeing each other TOO much.

 

By the second month I had to start even convincing her for me to come over. I didn't force her. I never force a women to do anything. But I did badger her. Some times we went her dads house. Some times to her moms efficiency apartment.

 

By the second week in the relationship she wanted a break. She even got her best friend, my ex, to tell me or more like suggest that I start the break instead of her. I thought my ex was bluffing and had to make sure by Tina. Sure enough she wanted it. She said she just wants space. I said fine but let' s not break up over it. She said that it was prolly not permanent she just needs to get her head straight. She said it wasn't about something i did it just was she wanted to know if she loved me or was just infatuated over me. I researched this and found out that infatuation lasts usually until 6 months in a relationship!! This was not a good time for a break in my mind.

 

Eventually i convinced her about me coming down that week end and i did. She then changed her mind because of me just being there.

 

About a few days later she got a letter about when she was going to go to probation.

 

Now about my drug experience. I did it 3 times with her. Weed that is all. 2 times felt nothing but a light tipsiness. The 3rd time i was high as ****. This all happened on the weekend of our possible break up. That weekend i left feeling like we were staying together for a while.

 

Last Thursday I was stressed out cuz Tina was still smoking when we found out that her probation was the 25th (today). At school I end out punching a teacher that was acting as a crises worker (I go to a special school for adhd). I was arrested and called my father then Tina at the police station. She was angry at me but was there for me . She said she felt like she was going out with a little kid but was going to stick by me. Then she told me she was prolly going to smoke that day cuz of the "added stress". I asked her not too but i knew she wouldn't listen.

 

She smoked that day the next day the next day after that and all the way up to last Sunday. That Sunday i rushed down there for a day cuz idk what was going to happen to her cuz everyone was convinced that she was going to be locked up. That WHOLE day she acted like she didn't really want me around. The other thing that happend was her best friend, my ex, was being blamed for her smoking cuz was basically her provider and she was staying there from Thursday to Sunday. I told my ex this while me, Tina, and my ex were hanging out. She then said well the **** you Jason (me) and then said she was going home. Tina confronted her and i was listening to the conversation. She asked Tina to basically choose between me or her. Tina said she couldn't do that to either one of us.

 

I have done this before. I have broken best friends up because of me and i started cutting over it. I was about to just go back to that so in the mid of her discussion I said to Tina " I am going to just leave you with your best friend Tina." She said " Is that like a really bad break up line?" I said "Is not like you'd care" I sorta meant that..she acted all day like i shouldn't be there.But if i am not there then it feels like i am not with her cuz she doesn't speak like she use to on the phone!

 

She got mad at me over what i said and then said that maybe we do need that break. I then got sorta emotional (one tear only) and just said i didn't mean it i was just trying to save her and he best friend cuz i know they are more important then me.

 

Later on she told me she still loves me and said she will stay with me. She promised that she wouldn't try to go on break over the phone on later days but i had no assurance with this girl. She also agreed that she could see herself with me for the rest of her life.

 

The next day i called her a little too much in the morning. I end up waking her up. She didn't snap at me at first but was finally telling me that she was sick of me calling her so much. I swore i would stop but it is SO ****ING HARD. She also didn't want me all over her when we where at her dads cuz her aunt lives there with her husband and they take it as disrespect and yell at us.That is also hard to do for me. I swore i would stop. In a desperate need to save the relationship I was definitely going to give her my WORD that i wouldn't and was going to practice what i preach.

 

The next day (yesterday) she was back on saying we need a break. This time it was cuz she now felt like we where going apart. The same feeling i was having also but still loved her. I also had this feeling about the week before the first break. I finally agreed to the break after seeing no way out and not wanting to push her further away from me. But i can't take it. I thought it might have been because of the stress she was in and the stress that i was in because of our own lives that we were feeling like we were growing apart but i still don't see how a break will help.

 

She wasn't piss tested today out of sheer luck or maybe there is a god that heard my prayers. That i though would lower her stress and maybe i could get back with her. She then told me things finally that i wanted to know. Besides the growing apart she also feels like I am a little childish to her. That may be cuz of the age difference or that she is starting to mature and i am not.

 

She says she can't promise anything but she says this is most likely NOT permanent.

 

She also says i am free to see other girls or "fool around" while we are not together( this was brought up cuz i wanted to kno if what she wanted was to like see other ppl) she says she will not hold it against me but i kno she will.

 

I have been talking to my friends, her family, and her friends. But i should NOT be doing that. She HATES it when i talk about our or her business hence the reason for her identity. Her name is Tina but you must figure out if she is just Tina. or Christina.

 

I am asking for help her. My friends say to leave her alone or make her miss me by not calling her and telling her i am hanging with friends like the break is not bothering me.

 

I can't do that well and also she told me today that the break is a mix of me, stress,and her being depressed! She is on meds for other reason and one of them is making her like a zombie doing the day. Her Doctor is booked till march so she is going to the mental part of a hospital for them to monitor her for like 3 days and change her dosage.

 

I am asking ...no SCREAMING for help. Please give me advice!!!

[srsvfx]

i tried to follow along as best I could... I am confused though, how long is/was the relationship?

 

This girl has a lot of baggage it seems. Would you be acting like this over any girl you were in a relationship with for 6 months? What is special about this girl. Maybe losing your v-card to her has made you more attached than you usually would be. From my point of view this girl has way to many problems and it doesnt seem worth it to stick with her if she is not giving you the respect/attention that you deserve for helping her out so much (do you help her out a lot with her issues?)

 

 

At this point your 18, most people dont get married till like 25, you've got a few years to live. If this relationship doesnt end up working out, I would really try and take things slowly next time. To me a good relationship starts out with talking and hanging out on weekend. Then it progresses to bf/gf and you see more of eachother, talk more. I think in the begining of my current relationship we did NOT talk every day. I dont think we talked every day for a few months after going out. I would say u need to relax a little in the begining of the relationship so u dont become obsest and freak her out.

 

By the way, this girl has had sex with 15 guys and she's 19?? thats a bit much. You say this doesnt bother you now... My current gf lost her virginity to me. Before me she had had two relationships that involved fooling around (no sex though, she stayed a virgin). I didnt care at all about the two relationships till about a year into the relationship, I think about the other guys now and I get jelous that my gf was with them before. i know its so stupid, and I may be an overly jelous guy, but I'm just warning you that number 15 may come and haunt you some day if this gets real serious.

 

I dont really know what else to say, hope i've helped a little. If not I guess I am not understanding the situation to the fullest. either way good luck!!

[Starhero]

The relationship has been for 2 months. Yes I helped her thro her problems. There are alot of things that she HAS done but I don't think they matter since it is in the past. The First month, i say again, was the best, with few or no problems. But things started to change after the second month. I think she is starting to mature or is seeing how imature i am. I want and need to change anyway so I want to change for her. I talked to her again today after my court and she kept telling me when i was starting to beg her. I do this cuz i feel like i have no one. My father wants to kick me out of my home and doesn't care where the hell i go. My mother can only take so much and i really don't want to move in with her. My thoughts were focused on Tina and what i can do to move in or get a place with her. To get my life started, I am a person that justifys my LIFE by being with some one and that is a trait i take after my mother. Tina has been everyone to me and everything and this is hard for me to just NC or give her space. Now i must cuz she went to a hospital today for a few days to monitor her meds and change them. I told her that i might as well not get the phone number to it cuz then i'd call her like i have been but she does insist that i can have the number and call untill she says i called too much. She WILL call me everyday or when she can untill she gets out. Also in the relationship i for got to mention a condom breaking and us think she might be pregnat. She is getting a test for that prolly as i type and if she is she will try as hard as she can to make this work with us. She also tells me the LDR is bothering her but i am not that far away and i have come down EVERYWEEKEND but she'd like to see me almost everyday i can only asume.

 

Is this enough info for more advice? In my mind she is worth everything. I kno i am young and nieve but i reall want to have atleast a longer relationship then i have been. I am cursed to not keep a relationship for longer then 2 months. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME. If it is over with us, I am done trying to find someone. I am sick of being hurt over and over again.

[Starhero]

oh **** this ...she is done with me ...look at this

 

 

listen , Jason .

Tina has no plans of getting back with you . she doesn`t want to be with you && she doesn`t want you to bother her . you call every 2 minutes && you so called love her after what two months ? you OBVIOUSLY don`t know what love is you have an OBSESSION && an unhealthy one at that . you say you`re gonna hospitalize yourself && she`s afraid you`re gonna say you wanna kill yourself if she gives it to you straight , so here i am , giving it to you straight . you wanted the answer . well , i talked to her . just leave her alone .

 

 

good bye guys ....not going to live no more. hanging my self as i type

[Starhero]

umm why can't i edit or delete my posts? i did before....The last post was from just sowrowness. As you can see i am still here. Things are starting to actually look up since god finially gave me the strength i needed. Not to be a preacher or to go completely religous here but for those of you that need strength to get thro break ups and breaks. Look to god, just this once. There is a rule tho..Selfish prays are rarely answered. Try prying for a few ppl first. I prayed for my sisters friend that wanted to commit suicide and he didn't cuz of that. I prayed for my girlfriend and her family for her not to be piss tested and she wasn't...then i prayed for me and i got the strength to try to ride things out or take them as they good. I have been talking to tina and she is said she is MOSTLIKELY going to go back with me. She just feels she jumped into a relationship too soon and doesn;t kno if she wants to be in one right now. I have stopped begging and started being her friend, makeing her laugh and smile while in the hospital on the phone. This brought me straight back up in self esteem and hope. I plan, by this june or july, to move out of my parents **** hole finially and live with her in our own place. Friends or lovers. She agrees. And..haha...my plan is that if i am with her living together, love might strike again if we aren't going out already.

 

Anywhoo, it seems noone wants to answer to my replies or anything so i am asumeing this is close or something.

 

I will reply if you reply,

Jason

[srsvfx]

I really dont have anything helpful to say but i'd feel bad just not saying anything.

 

From my point of view it seems you are taking a 2 month relationship kind of too serioualy... "Ms. Right" is going to love all the attention you give, if this girl doesn't like the attention maybe she isnt right for you. You really shouldn't have to make changes to yourself for other people (maybe hold down phone calls a little though). At two months, I'd say there really isnt a lot to lose to just move on, and if there is this much trouble early on it may not be a good sign for the future.

 

hope this helps and goodluck! Keep your head up.

[magda]

The problem is you are too clingy and needy for her and you know that. That is what is unattractive to her about you. I know it's hard to stop calling her all the time, but every time you do call her it makes it worse. She gets short with you and you just want to call her again. Now you are manipulating her with the "oh I'm hanging myself as we speak" business.

 

The issue isn't "Tina" - it is you. Tina is your escape from yourself and living your life. But she could be anyone, do you understand? You want a relationship and you want it to be everything you live for. That's going to make life really difficult for you because not a lot of women are interested in that. We like men who are strong and independent. We like men who have plans and have their sh*t together. You say your dad is on the verge of kicking you out and you don't care - all you want is to find a way to be with Tina. Can you see how this is getting a little stifling for her? 2 months ago she was her own woman, suddenly she is your some guys reason for living. On top of everything else in her life, she now has the added stress of you calling her constantly and when she tries to break it off with you threatening to hurt or kill yourself. Where is the romance here? There isn't any.

 

Because of the way things are going, she feels sorry for you. Obviously you had a connection with her at first, but the way you have been behaving has not been very sane, my friend. You should try to focus on yourself for a couple of weeks. Schedule yourself a time, once, every other day, to call her. The rest of the time, leave her be. Figure out your living situation with your dad. Take care of your business. Work on your future. Make yourself attractive to Tina by making yourself happy.

 

You have not been acting healthy, but you can change that. Do you have access to a therapist? Maybe having someone to talk to about your attachment to her would help you realize that it is just an attachment, and not a real thing. Also, continue to pray. Perhaps do some reading on spiritual matters and the like. But really, I tell you this to help you, step away from Tina.

[Starhero]

i understand what ur saying but doing it is very hard. But time for a little up date.

 

She went the the hospital for her meds and depression. While there she wanted me to call her cuz she likes getting calls there. I actually started haveing a few converstaions with her. Making her laught and smile! But i still could not let **** go and was talking to her TOO much about being together.

 

She got out yesterday and she was happy finally. Me? I had a rough day at school and I needed a cig. So i got one from my friend. My day was behind me cuz she was happy and now i was. But i got caught smoking. And my dad basicly said that i will not have a phone till i move out in june or w/e. I flipped...That might have been a good thing for a while, no way of calling tina, but then i would have not even a friendship with her cuz who says i can make it out in june?! Well my dad basicly kicked me out. So here i am at my moms and well alot of **** happened yesterday.

 

Tina hates it when i give out info about her. If she ever finds this post i am screwed and will just give up( forcing my self to move out but will take a while) Well my dad makes me tell **** about my friends, as a protection thing. I told my dad a LONG while back everything about tina cuz other wize he wouln't let me talk to see her at all. Tina knew this and this happend in the first month. She yelled at me but got over it. Well since then i have shown her i can't be trusted. I talked to my friends about tina and talked to tinas family about what was going on with Tina and me. She was mad and told me to freaking stop or she can't be with me before she went into the hospital and before our second break. After that, I wasn't telling ANYONE whats going on. Yes I came here for non friend and family related help.

 

So yesterday I am fliping out and need to talk to someone. I call tina at her moms and well i did ...again... say that i loved her but i can't take it anymore on what is going on and that i will miss her and will wait for her at the heavenly gates. She listen, didn't get upset but wasn't saying anything. My dad comes down the stair, and of coarce doesn't want me on the phone but doesn't really do anything. So he some how from what i was saying to tina got on the subject of welfare.

 

Parts of tinas family are on welfare. Her aunt an uncle who she lived with ..er well who lived with her dad and where she was living. That does not mean that tina is on welfare. But tina did have health insurance thro her aunt. How? IDK and i don;t need to kno.

 

Well some how i must have told my dad about this. So he started saying ...sure she is going to get a job while on welfare. I flipped again and says ..wtf tina tell him your NOT on wefare. I put my dad on the phone. That was a mistake. He asks...so how do you get your meds when your not working and there for don't pay insurance? She says that her aunt has her on her insurance. My dad, who knos nothing about welfare since he has never been on it, says that that means she is on welfare. Tina, annoyed, says...Is there a problem with being on welfare? He says...No, just lazyness and not willing to work. She hangs up before she curses him out. I wanted to kill him. I had kno idea if tina was crying or w/e and that bothered me so i called back. Her mom answer and was trying to say that my dad has no place to say anthing and he doesn't. Well, i started crying a few second before i called her mom and her mom try to calm me down. My dad says...oh thats right cry to tina.. i say ..it is her mom you ****ing a**h*** you wanna bitch at her too? He saids ...OHHH the druggie....her mom hears this and says. What did he call me? A druggie?...Now Tina hears that from her mom. Her mom said that he again has no right to say that. Her mom says that she is upset but not really mad at me disapportat tho cuz i did says things about the family, but my dad doesn;t kno ****. He doesn;t kno the truth. Yeah things happened in the family but that doesn't mean the WHOLE family! Tina says she is furstratiated at me and doesn't want to talk to me right now. I let her go,it is the best thing right now.

 

Eventually i get picked up by my mom and here i am. Now, tina is mad at me for my big ass mouth. I kno about my mouth but it is hard for me to control it. But like i said i am NEVER going to tell anyone about me and her again. Not even if we are together or not. Right now she is mad at me but respected me and called me and talked to me calmly. She says she will prolly never trust me again but i say..this is the **** that happend a while ago. It isn't that, it is cuz i was doing things the WHOLE time together and it bottled up! Now she says if i ever tell anyone about anthing again i am done with her and she says she can;t be with a child and i am looking like a child to her. Surpizingly i am actually ready to give her all the dam time in the world. She doesn;t want me calling her right now, when she is ready she will call me. She won't just forget me or anything she will TRY to be with my but defintly not now. This whole thing ****ed my plans up cuz we were going to go to her moms and talkabout getting back together! Well now i am not pushing her to be with me but i am asking her to atleast try to trust me again and then we will work on going out. She doesn't kno if she wants to see me this weekend cuz she thinks if she sees me she will be more mad at me. All i do want tho is to see her this weekend and talk about what is going on. I hate the phone because she could just hang up and i can;t do a think cuz calling back hurts me more.

 

She just got off the phone with me before i started this and she is tired right now so she is sleeping. She says she will prolly call me when she gets home from her moms today and then MY mom wants to talk to her. Tina is considering that. If she doesn;t call me i will call her at around noon or later tommorow and she agrees i can. Then we will talk about this weekend. If that doesn;t happend then i will not call her unless she calls me. I don't think making her miss me this time will help. But she will always talk to me she said, just not with much trust.

 

I think i may be good here because i think you guys are right she really may not be the one. The other things in my life i must worry about. Like now i must drop out of school and start my life by getting a job. Then if i am still in contact with her. Try again. If...i don't find someone else.

[Starhero]

Yep. All is well now, I am back with the love of my life Tina. She surpized me. Just out of nowhere saying "F**ck break".

 

Now I need to get my life back together!

 

Talk to you all later. I may come here from time to time just to say Hi.