lilmoma1973 Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Do you think it is right to cheat on someone if you are married but leave no separation or divorce? I was wondering cause a friend of mine cheated on her h and she left the h and cheated on him .. She then came back and worked things out and her h found out and she said it shouldn't matter we wasn't together!! What do you all think ? Why or why not?
LBC Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Do you think it is right to cheat on someone if you are married but leave no separation or divorce? I was wondering cause a friend of mine cheated on her h and she left the h and cheated on him .. She then came back and worked things out and her h found out and she said it shouldn't matter we wasn't together!! What do you all think ? Why or why not? I call bulls*** there still married and she was unfaithful. NOW, if they were legaliy separated and they BOTH agreed to date others, then NO its not cheating. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Once married, it's not like "taking a break" from a relationship to see whatelse is out there. Some do this in earlier in life and then find their way back to eachother...But once married ya can't just do that. I agree with LBC, if both of them together decided dating was an option and they were legally separated then that is different obviously. Did she tell him she was unfaithful? Probably not huh? 1
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 I call bulls*** there still married and she was unfaithful. NOW, if they were legaliy separated and they BOTH agreed to date others, then NO its not cheating. That is my thought too!! She thinks it is ok and her h is having a hard time excepting what she told him .. He says we took vows and nothing was legal to give you the right to do that!! I think she wanted her cake and eat it too so she strung him along to sow her wild oats and had a wild hair she had up her arse..
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Once married, it's not like "taking a break" from a relationship to see whatelse is out there. Some do this in earlier in life and then find their way back to eachother...But once married ya can't just do that. I agree with LBC, if both of them together decided dating was an option and they were legally separated then that is different obviously. Did she tell him she was unfaithful? Probably not huh? Exactly WWIU she didn't see it as being unfaithful cause she left !! She is full of sh@@ in my eyes and i think she is trying to justify what she did ..
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 So he was left thinking she was just sorting stuff out? Meanwhile she was having some fun on the side? Hey, it will come out someday...HE will find out somehow.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 So he was left thinking she was just sorting stuff out? Meanwhile she was having some fun on the side? Hey, it will come out someday...HE will find out somehow. Yeah pretty much he knows and having a hard time dealing with it !! She told him it wasn't cheating we wasn't together..
reservoirdog1 Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Depends what their understanding was when they separated. Was it just to think, to reflect, blah blah blah? Or were they separated, with the intention of divorcing? If the former, it's cheating. If the latter, it's not. 1
hooghie Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 NOW, if they were legaliy separated and they BOTH agreed to date others, then NO its not cheating. I agree, but I don't think they need the legal separation. BOTH H&W must agree on what is/isn't acceptable during 'breaks', physical separation, and even marriage. 1
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Depends what their understanding was when they separated. Was it just to think, to reflect, blah blah blah? Or were they separated, with the intention of divorcing? If the former, it's cheating. If the latter, it's not. She just said she needed space and they wasn't getting along so she wanted a break to see what happens ..She told him repeatedly it wasn't noone else just space!!
RecordProducer Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 In my mind, cheating doesn't begin at the moment when the other party finds out and how they respond to it. It's rather how the one who "cheats" feels about it. If I don't love a man or he is hurting me, there is no rule in this world that will convince me that I am cheating on him. I only feel that it's cheating when I love my man! I would feel awfully terrible if I would cheat on my husband, because I love him. My ex-husband was leaving me a few times. Once he left and we were separated for a couple months. Each time he would pack his bags and leave me and the kids with no intention of coming back. I slept with another man while we were separated for the last time. Later we got back together and I felt awful about it, I felt like I was cheating. How stupid of me to feel guilty after he abandoned us! The kids were less than 2 years old. Anyway we lived together for 6 more months then he packed his bags, left, and never came back again. Thank God! My point is: it's cheating if you or the other party feels like it is. Regarding mutual agreements during separation, how can you agree with someone you're split up with? Sometimes you can, but usually when people split up, they are very angry at each other and not willing to discuss things, resolve issues or plan the future together. 2
Curmudgeon Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 it away. That way she's done nothing wrong in her mind. If my wife and I were ever to separate to give ourselves breathing room towok out a problem in our relationship and marriage, that would NOT invalidate the vows we took. Were she or I to get with someone else, even just temporarily, that would be the end of the marriage.
Author lilmoma1973 Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 it away. That way she's done nothing wrong in her mind. If my wife and I were ever to separate to give ourselves breathing room towok out a problem in our relationship and marriage, that would NOT invalidate the vows we took. Were she or I to get with someone else, even just temporarily, that would be the end of the marriage. I guess you never know what you will do till the shoe is on the other foot.. I took my h back after he cheated on me!! You have to both want to work on it and make it work .. Nothing she done justifys what she does in my eyes ,she was married and if she needed space that is fine .. If she wanted to pursue a relationhip with someone else she should have legally done something not kept him hanging on !!
dgiirl Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 i think it's considered cheating when you are not upfront about what is happening/happened. If he was under the impression they were separated to get some space from each other and he doesnt know she's dating, then he might feel it's cheating. However, he might not and might be doing the same thing. When she got back together, if she kept it a secret, then she knows it was something she shouldnt have done because she's keeping it a secret, thus it's cheating. If she was upfront about it when they got back together, then no it wasnt cheating. Bottom line, everyone has a different opinion on what they consider cheating and what they dont so it depends on the people involved. When my exh left, I had no delusion that he wanted to sleep with the OW. He never told me, he told me he would stop talking to her, I knew he was lying and already acknowledged to myself that he's free to do whatever he wants. I dont consider it cheating. I DO consider him cheating before he left. The way he met her, talked to her, had lunch with her, confided in her. That i consider cheating. He doesnt. C'est la vie.
Curmudgeon Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 We were separated both times. The first time I forgave. The second time I divorced her. I have a little inkling as to how I'd handle it.
RecordProducer Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 We were separated both times. The first time I forgave. The second time I divorced her. If you initiated the separation then she had a right to sleep with someone else! How you feel about it is your problem; you should have thought about it BEFORE you left her. If on the other hand, SHE initiated the separation then she still had a right to do it, but I also, like you, wouldn't be able to forgive... EVER!
cal gal Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Once the vows are there, then I was brought up to respect and honor the man I married. I think it is also a matter of respecting yourself and the relationship. I forgave my hubby ten years ago, and he knew I would never do that to him, but when he decided to do it again last summer, I decided I wouldn't stay with him no matter how much I loved him. Self respect is so much better than allowing someone to feel like you take a back seat, or the need to beg someone to love you enough. Some are just not as capable of loving as much as others and capable of being faithful. It's easier to be without the worry - even if you have to live without the daily companionship.
tinktronik Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I feel it's cheating if the divorce papers are not signed by a judge, and filed by the clerk. Seperation ,legal or no, thats not a divorce, your still married.
Curmudgeon Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 She initiated the separation both times and both times she already had someone waiting in the wings. The first time I forgave as it might have been an emotional affair only. I'll never know for sure, nor do I care at this point. The second time it was physical. She filed for legal separation. I counter-filed for divorce. End of story. End of her! No regrets.
RecordProducer Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 She initiated the separation both times and both times she already had someone waiting in the wings. She filed for legal separation. I counter-filed for divorce. End of story. End of her! No regrets. You did the right thing - cut the BS. Looking at it retrospectively, you were not meant to be. The fact that she left you twice, found other men, and you finally divorced speak for themselves. I wouldn't even consider it cheating, I would consider it as clean marriage failure. Cheating, in my book, is a secret affair that has been revealed later. You split, she was with someone else and you divorced her. It only tells how much she cared about the marriage.
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