Don't cheaters feel guilty?

[Presario]

I pratice things called Commitment, Loyalty, Dedication...

 

Most of us try to do this, or at least they think they try. You may feel this way now, but you never know what's gonna be in 10 years. People change because they stop believing in their lives, families and work. People do stupid things because of boredom, discontent, stupidity or disappointment.

[Mz. Pixie]

Most of us try to do this, or at least they think they try. You may feel this way now, but you never know what's gonna be in 10 years. People change because they stop believing in their lives, families and work. People do stupid things because of boredom, discontent, stupidity or disappointment.

 

Well said Presario!!!

[dademurphy]

I quit.

Good-bye.

[Mz. Pixie]

Dade,

 

Don't go just because we're saying some things you don't want to hear......

 

There are still people here who would like to help you.

 

If you still feel hopeless, please get some professional help.

[monica_was_here]

A cheater who wants to stay married and continue cheating doesn't feel guilty. Not until later. This disgusting creature is called a CAKE-EATER.

 

Maybe some feel guilty...usually not until they're caught, if even then. I guess it just depends on the person.

 

My husband had an emotional affair. To this day he insists he did nothing wrong. In fact, he thinks he's the one who got the shortest straw because he lost out on a promotion at work after I exposed he & co-worker's inappropriate "friendship" to EVERYONE. Hey, if it was a harmless friendship, why would he lose out on a promotion because of it? Hmmm?

 

So, you see, MANY never feel guilt.

 

He BETRAYED MY TRUST by keeping this thing a secret from me...accepting love-notes from this girl...spending countless lunches and after work time with her...ALL kept a secret from me. Nothing wrong WITH THAT?

 

She no longer speaks to my husband, since I caught them together in MY VAN after work one day, and reacted in...shall I say...a most King Kong-esque manner. She's scared to death of me -as she very well should be-, so his emotional affair is kaput.

 

The aftermath, though...we need our cheating-ass bastard husbands to FEEL GUILT after they have betrayed our trust. It is necessary in order for us to heal.

 

Even still, some never EVER feel guilt. Some people just refuse to feel guilt. Something about accepting that they did something wrong is just too much for some people, I guess.

[monica_was_here]

by the way, dade, you should visit marriagebuilders.com. They also have a forum, and I think you would appreciate thier perspective.

[Guest2]

so he wasn't happy with you, or didn't want to be with you.

 

it doesn't mean he'll feel that way about someone else and cheat on her, too.

 

it might make you feel better to think that the problem lies with only him and not you because he's a cheating bastard. but it's just not true. sorry.

 

 

Every cheater I've known has cheated in all their relationships. Their problem is not knowing how to get out of one before going to the next or wanting both security and lust, when initial "in love" feelings eventually die down and they want that constantly. I have to agree that most cheaters usually stay that way. They want it ALL> the loving wife to take care and nurture their emotional needs, children, take care of them etc and the mistress to boost their excitement and satisfy them sexually.

[BUTAFLY]

I asked by BF who was engaged if he felt guilty and he said no. I think in a way peoople justify their actions. They trick themselves into thinking in everyother aspect of their lives they are good people so this doesnt make them out to be a bad person. they tell themselves "I am only human/ people make mistakes." Whatever gets you through the day buddy.

[BUTAFLY]

ANYONE, who would cheat on someone while in a relationship is a weak willed selfish pig.

And to deny that is just dilluting the facts to protect yourself.

 

To knowinlgy inflict that type of emotional pain and distress onto another human is uncalled for and is a form of emotional murder or rape.

If you feel the need to cheat, then you are nothappy and you need to leave the relationship instantly. There is no other option.

 

To continue the relationship is selfish, sadistic, and immoral.

Every day is based around lies and deceit.

 

Cheater DO NOT CHANGE.

 

Dademurphy,

 

I agree with you entirely but what are you going to do about your situation?

I followed your story on another thread. You have forgiven your fiance once too many times for cheating already are you still wanting to comment to a live time of this?

[Brianschick]

I feel guilty sometime about being married AND having the nerve to be cheating...but I guess I am so selfish I just don't let it get to me. I think most people who cheat do feel guility but the selfishnes wins out in the end.

[Guest]

And you are too correct for words, my friend.

I was 100% faithful for 10 years. She heard, "I love you" a hundred times a day. She got gifts. She got attention.

She never had to work, cook, clean, or anything else.

All I asked was for her to be there and be mine.

Then what happened?

She cheats, and I forgive her.

She cheats again...I forgive her.

She cheats again...I forgive her.

And now? I suspect she is at it again, and where am I? Here in misery, pain, and darkness wishing life would end.

Nice, huh?

 

Does she know I am hurting? YUP!

 

Look, a cheater CANNOT love the person they cheated on.

A cheater WILL NOT change.

A cheater CANNOT be faithful in the future.

AND YOU CANNOT SATISFY A CHEATER! Some urge inside them is so strong, they must find someone new over and over again.

 

You know, this is enlightening.

Love is not worth it.

Neither is living in pain.

Thankn you all.

Good-bye.

You really touch my hart with this, the really problem that your wife has in herself it is no you, look back at her chillhood, she may did not have a good mother or father, or something is lacking insede of her, I wish I had a husband like you. I have been married for almost 15 years, my first men and the only one till today in sex and my second kiss. We got married when I was 23 and dated two years before. He claimed that this is the first time he cheated on me, now I belive him because about what you said above. How lucky is your wife!

[rossi]

How can cheaters manage not to be completely wracked with guilt?

Finally i realize why my husband cheated on me after 15 years of marriage.

After my son was born, he is 3 1?2 now, we stop having sex as much as before, my husband is the kind of men who likes to be huge, kiss, like to listen sweet words, like i love you, i want to be with you, i miss you....

My son till today no sleep well, always in our bed, i did no care but my H did.

That was the first sign. I did no understand because i was no naive, innocent person, belelving in the true love and .....we used to have sex in the night in the midningt and in the morning before he went to work, he just liked that way, i was happy to, especially went he wake me up to have sex at 2 or 3 oclock during midnight. After my son was born there was not time for that, always nursing him, belive me i was in love with my baby boy, i still are.

 

When angry at my husband what i did, sleep in the sofa for two or three weeks, without any contact or talking, of course i told him how i feel all the time but i gave up. He told me few time, let get some help. i told him back, ok

do the appoinment, no why not you, no you do it, you are the person who is doing thing wrong(this is me). This was the second sing, I did not care about.

Until the affair came to our life, this lady seven years older than my husband, very lovely with him, kissing all the time to him when been together, making him come twice, telling him that he was handson, good in bed, large penis, sending him romantics songs throug the internet, sending romantic messages, sucha as "i miss you, bringing down songs and we can listen together and drink", she made him feel like a king as he told me. She was desperate to find someone and my husband was the one. he is 40 and she 47 now, women in this age no all of them tend to be very hot because the menopause thing.

When he was in her house he was the king, he said that he knew from the bigining what he wants, but he keep going there becasue my behavior pattern one day sleeping with him other days in the sofa. Who wants to miss those free moments with a woman like that. Finally I understand, no very happy but can see the picture better now, i may be right, i may be not, but for me this was the situation. Today he is having sex, love and a lot ot care from me and he is giving me the same, no more time with friend, always going out together or with our children. I hope this help many people to find out what was missing in their marrige. Of course i could do the same thing to him, i was lonely, feeling depress because did not understand why he was out all the time. Thanks god the affair did no last any longer, is over, and here we are trying our best to work things out.

[Walking away]

As the OW, I asked my MM if he felt guilty about cheating on his wife. He said he felt guilty about the pain I was feeling, not his wife. I am the one that feels guilty about his wife and kids. He apparently is far too selfish to even think about what he is doing to his kids. A Cakeman, for sure. Another reason I am leaving...

[Allegrokw]

I walked away from a 3 year A with a MM BECAUSE of guilt. As an OW, I began to realize that I was violating my own value system. And betraying a woman whom I didn't really know. If I weere her, how would I feel? Those are the questions I ask myself every day that has passed since I broke it off.

 

I am not a "cheater" and have never done that before. Believe me, I will never do it again. Don't think that labeling is fair. We are all human, and just for that reason, we are bound to make mistakes.

 

JMMB, it sounds like it's time for you to forgive...so much anger isn't healthy. When you are in the process of forgiving, don't forget to throw some your way.

[Babylonia Beaune]

You know what they say "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

 

Cheaters have no conscience or concern of who they hurt in the process.

 

They are selfish pigs.

 

And I do mean that.

 

 

I agree with "Hoogie" that not all cheaters are "selfish pigs." I am not a selfish pig--at least in comparison to my husband. Perhaps it's he who is the selfish pig. My hubby has never never listened. I've begged, been patient, cajoled, spelled things out to the letter. Nothing's worked. He's never budged an inch on our sexual issues (I wanted enthusiastic exploratory sex with one person--him.). Not one inch. I "cheated" out of frustration and I will continue to do so and am at least sexually satisfied and content. It won't hurt him. He pays so little attention that my behavior must not matter to him...

[Presario]

I "cheated" out of frustration and I will continue to do so and am at least sexually satisfied and content. It won't hurt him. He pays so little attention that my behavior must not matter to him...

 

BB, how long have you been married? Has he cheated on you? Women in your age (47 in your profile) want sex a lot, and men in their 50s want sex very little. It's the inverse of the case when people are in their 20s. When you were in your 20s, did he want sex more than you?

[Babylonia Beaune]

We've been married nearly 25 years. I've wanted more sex than he does for maybe 22 years. He's just not that interested in sex, or at least is impossibly "tight-fisted" about it, as he has never once suggested anything new or wanted to talk about sex (he hates talking about it), or explored it willingly. I've always had to pull and tug, tug and pull. I do enjoy "performing" in front of him, because he likes to look at me and I enjoy the feeling of his desiring me, and he enjoys some of the things I have suggested we do, but, unfortunately, most of my ideas are rejected or cold-shouldered... it gets extremely tiresome. I wonder if there are any other women who have experienced a husband like this and what they have done about it. I do get very weary of being lectured to about my morals. I don't steal, rob banks, take money from old people, beat people, laugh at them, destroy the economy or go to war or spy on other people. I don't murder anyone or lie to the nation. I don't pollute the rivers, streams, highways. I give to charities. I pay my taxes. I cook dinner at least five nights a week (if he is home), keep a clean neat house, am constantly "available" to my husband and also desire him, am affectionate, well-dressed, as physically fit as he could possibly want, educated, cheerful, and, I think, loving. I also have my own business and provide for my own upkeep. I could certainly afford to be on my own and would live very comfortably.

[harleygirl92156]

But I would say in over 90% of cases with cheaters, there are problems in the relationship before it happens.

:

 

 

And in A LOT of cases, 99% of the problems in the relationship are problems the cheater has with himself/herself and have nothing to do with the spouse or SO!!

 

Often cheaters cheat because of something lacking within themselves and no matter what kind of person they are married to or commited to, they will cheat until they figure out what they need within themselves, that NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE THEM.

[Mz. Pixie]

And in A LOT of cases, 99% of the problems in the relationship are problems the cheater has with himself/herself and have nothing to do with the spouse or SO!!

 

Often cheaters cheat because of something lacking within themselves and no matter what kind of person they are married to or commited to, they will cheat until they figure out what they need within themselves, that NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE THEM.

 

Umm, okay. I truly believe your H was the problem, that is why he cheated- he was a alcoholic. But I know for me, my H caused problems in the marriage that made me look outside the marriage to get my needs met. He wouldn't meet them.

[MatchstickFear]

i'm certain that my ex feels horrible about what he did. and no, i don't think he's a terrible person, although I do think he was pretty selfish - in the covering up, attempting to keep our relationship aspect. i don't know exactly what happened (and i'm not going to stupidly hurt myself by pushing for details, only to be told a muted, less painful truth), but I do know that whatever he did - he did in act of desperate loneliness (i moved two states away for school). it isn't the ACT so much that bothers me, as much as the lying, covering up, and creation of the twisted, screwed up realm he created in an attempt to "not hurt me." this is what ultimately tore us apart. this is why i broke up with him.

 

i'm sure he hurts. and i know he feels guilty.... but that's to be expected, isn't it? he made a really stupid mistake, if he didn't feel guilty - i'd be extremely worried. and it's the people who don't feel any guilt that really frighten me.

[Chump64]

Babylonia, you seem to have a lot going for you, but you have nothing good to say about your husband, so you decided to cheat / go out and get what you want.

 

You sound intelligent, outgoing and self-sufficient. Why didn't you have the balls to dump him and start new, vs. cheating on him?

[harleygirl92156]

Umm, okay. I truly believe your H was the problem, that is why he cheated- he was a alcoholic. But I know for me, my H caused problems in the marriage that made me look outside the marriage to get my needs met. He wouldn't meet them.

 

 

You are correct, he IS an alcoholic and will be the rest of his life, difference is now he is recovering.

 

I think you are avoiding guilt by trying to place all the blame on hubby. You say your needs were not being met so you went elsewhere. That is exactly what I was talking about. There was something lacking within you that caused you to cheat. Something you needed, that caused you to cheat. It wasn't your husbands fault, it was something within YOU. Your decision, your choice and your fault, NOT HIS. You can't blame him in any way, period. You made the choice to fill whatever void you had within you by going outside your marriage. That is wrong, I know it, you know it, everyone knows it.

 

If a relationship isn't working and your needs are not being met, END THAT RELATIONSHIP before moving on to another or having a side relationship. It is that simple.

 

You can blame all you want, place fault on your husband all you want, but the bottom line is the reason you cheat is COMPLETELY WITH IN YOU, no one's fault but your own, something lacking or missing within yourself that you are seeking to fill or find. Has not a dang thing to do with the spouse. Simply selfishness on the the cheaters part.

 

I believe you are convincing yourself it was your husbands fault so you don't have to deal with any internal guilt. Until you face the truth, figure out what you are looking for and exactly what NEEDS you are talking about, well you have heard the old saying :ONCE A CHEAT ALWAYS A CHEAT. People change, but only if they want to and if they stop blaming everyone else for problems they create for themselves.

[Guest]

My b/f of 6 years cheated on me. He even went as far as to propose to this ow and ultimately marry her. The whole time still being with me. When I first found out about her I called her and told her everything. She didn't care she still married him. At first I wouldn't take his calls, he swore that he wasn't married to her and I finally broke down and started seeing him again. Then I found out that he did marry her. I again tried to tell her what he was doing, but she blamed me saying that I was just trying to break them up. They have been married since August and he has been with me atleast once a week since then. He tells me that he only married her for money and I am the only one for him. At first I felt bad, but I tried to tell her and anyway I was there first. I know that it is wrong for me to still see him, but how can I feel bad for someone that is truely that STUPID???? How can she not know what he is doing. I figured out what he was doing when I was with him. I believe now that she doesn't want to know. I don't ask him to leave his wife, because honestly I know he will never change and he will always cheat. I guess I would rather be the one that he is spending the night with than the one that is at home crying wondering where he is or who he is with. Am I a horrible person?????? I was her once, I did wonder where he was and had that sick feeling in my stomache when I woke up at 5 oclock in the morning and he wasn't there......I tried to warn her and if it isn't me then it will be someone else.

[Curmudgeon]

Women in your age (47 in your profile) want sex a lot, and men in their 50s want sex very little.

I'm at the tail end of my 50s, just a few months shy of 60. I haven't noticed a diminished desire. Truth be told, I have more desire for my current wife, whom I married when I was 50, than I did for the ex when I was younger.

 

Perhaps it depends on who you're with!

[Mz. Pixie]

I think you are avoiding guilt by trying to place all the blame on hubby. You say your needs were not being met so you went elsewhere. That is exactly what I was talking about. There was something lacking within you that caused you to cheat. Something you needed, that caused you to cheat. It wasn't your husbands fault, it was something within YOU. Your decision, your choice and your fault, NOT HIS. You can't blame him in any way, period. You made the choice to fill whatever void you had within you by going outside your marriage. That is wrong, I know it, you know it, everyone knows it.

 

If a relationship isn't working and your needs are not being met, END THAT RELATIONSHIP before moving on to another or having a side relationship. It is that simple.

 

You can blame all you want, place fault on your husband all you want, but the bottom line is the reason you cheat is COMPLETELY WITH IN YOU, no one's fault but your own, something lacking or missing within yourself that you are seeking to fill or find. Has not a dang thing to do with the spouse. Simply selfishness on the the cheaters part.

 

I believe you are convincing yourself it was your husbands fault so you don't have to deal with any internal guilt. Until you face the truth, figure out what you are looking for and exactly what NEEDS you are talking about, well you have heard the old saying :ONCE A CHEAT ALWAYS A CHEAT. People change, but only if they want to and if they stop blaming everyone else for problems they create for themselves.

 

Harley, you and I have been through this several times. I will tell you once again. I do not blame all of the problems in our marriage on my H, but I blame 50% of them on him. He has equal blame in this.

 

This was not about something missing IN ME. This was about something MISSING IN THE RELATIONSHIP. I had needs that I couldn't have possibly met on my own. There are things that spouses do for one another. I will take the blame for stepping outside the marriage to get those needs met before I ended the marriage, but I will not take the blame for having needs that he refused to try and meet.

 

That's right, he refused. I repeatedly told him what I wanted and needed and he didn't give a shxt. Period.

 

Haven't you been to marriage builders?? From what I've read there, they are in agreement that the BS does things such as not filling up the OP's love bank that cause the person to be vulnerable to an affair. Is that not correct?? That is exactly what I'm saying.

 

I know why I cheated. I know it was wrong. I've accepted responsibility for what I did that was wrong. Whether he does or not is up to him. I cannot control that.

 

Do I blame him??? Damn skippy. He was just as to blame as I was. I will take responsibility for my part, but I will not take responsibility for his part. What I did was NOT any worse than what he did. He had a responsibility to love and honor me, support me, and love me as Christ loved the church and he failed on all accounts. Just because I broke the other vow doesn't make me any worse than he was. He broke vows too, just like I did and just because the one I broke was the physical one shouldn't make it any worse.