Don't cheaters feel guilty?

[cedric4691]

How can cheaters manage not to be completely wracked with guilt?

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, sometimes I was.

 

But during the whole fling that I had during my first marriage, I justified it to myself as "He never stays home" which was true and "he never tries to meet my needs" which was true. So, I felt like in some ways I was "due".

 

Since that time and since I really came to my senses I have terrible guilt about it. I'll probably never recover because I am just not that person in reality that did that.

 

I also happen to marry my second husband- whose exwife had cheated on him. In doing so, I got to see things from his perspective as well, not only my own, and that contributed to the guilt.

[JustMakeMeBelieve]

You know what they say "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

 

Cheaters have no conscience or concern of who they hurt in the process.

 

They are selfish pigs.

 

And I do mean that.

[hooghie]

You know what they say "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

 

Cheaters have no conscience or concern of who they hurt in the process.

 

They are selfish pigs.

 

And I do mean that.

 

 

WOAW...I sense someone has been cheated on....

 

I have cheated and I am not a selfish pig. I'm actually one of the nicest, most giving people. I have never cheated on my current BF and never will. I never cheated on my ex husband while we were married (I confess- I cheated before the marriage).

 

I'm sorry if you've been hurt, but you can't generalize the way you did in your post.

[RainyDayWoman]

WOAW...I sense someone has been cheated on....

 

I have cheated and I am not a selfish pig. I'm actually one of the nicest, most giving people. I have never cheated on my current BF and never will.

 

I'm sorry if you've been hurt, but you can't generalize the way you did in your post.

 

this goes double for me.

agreed.

right on.

 

so sick of people who don't/haven't engage(d) in certain behaviours thinking they know the minds of those who have...and those who were able to learn from it.

[mcmlxii]

I think my wife is racked with guilt. but she is trying to lay it on me now

That divorce is close. She says how can I mess up our kids lives like that.

When she was the one who cheated and won't tell the truth. I think she has

somthing wrong with her head I think That's how she can be like that.

[JustMakeMeBelieve]

WOAW...I sense someone has been cheated on....

I'm sorry if you've been hurt, but you can't generalize the way you did in your post.

 

He cheated big time for years and I took him back - my stupidity - he said all the right words.

 

He's cheated for the last time on me and he will always be a cheater.

 

I repeat "ONCE A CHEATER IN A MARRIAGE, ALWAYS A CHEATER".

[hooghie]

He cheated big time for years and I took him back - my stupidity - he said all the right words.

 

He's cheated for the last time on me and he will always be a cheater.

 

I repeat "ONCE A CHEATER IN A MARRIAGE, ALWAYS A CHEATER".

 

Sorry JMMB, but that was the case with YOUR ex. Doesn't mean everyone is like that. Try and act stronger in your future relationships- if a guy cheats on you or otherwise hurts/disrespects you- MOVE ON- don't let him get away with it. You are worth more than that.

[grateful]

In my experience, guilt got all wrapped up in to the rest of the feelings, and was easily hidden behind the other ones - excitement, desire, ego boost, etc. Eventually, however guilt won out and that was the end of it.

[silktricks]

How can cheaters manage not to be completely wracked with guilt?

 

They are.

 

Then they want to feel better. They can't feel that with the person they've been cheating on. If their W or H says nice things to them they can't take it in cuz the one thing they for sure know about themselves is that they are lying.

 

So they cheat again because the OW or OM will say all kinds of nice things to them that they can take in. That person already knows they are a cheat and like them anyway.

 

Kind of a weird cycle.

[Mz. Pixie]

He cheated big time for years and I took him back - my stupidity - he said all the right words.

 

He's cheated for the last time on me and he will always be a cheater.

 

I repeat "ONCE A CHEATER IN A MARRIAGE, ALWAYS A CHEATER".

 

You can preach that sista until the cows come home and that won't make it true.

 

For your husband it was true- your mistake was thinking that he would change, especially after the second time.

 

Most people who cheat are simply not getting their needs met in their relationship and many of them have tried EVERYTHING to get their mates attention- or get them to work on their marriage and they won't listen.

That was my experience- I tried for YEARS to get my exhusband to wake up and work on our marriage but he didn't. Sure I should have gotten out before I cheated, but I made a mistake. People do make mistakes you know. I'm sorry that perhaps you're so perfect that you haven't made at least one mistake in your lifetime.

 

There are a few people though that are serial cheaters. He obviously didn't have much respect for you because he continued to do it. Did you guys go to marriage counseling or did he have individual counseling for his problems that caused this to happen? There are usually underlying issues. If you guys didn't work at the issues at the source of the problem, that could be part of the reason it happened again.

 

I know for a fact that I will never cheat again. It's too painful for everyone involved and I regret terribly hurting my ex spouse and the OM's family as well. I'd rather die than do it again, and since I love myself too much to take my own life, I won't be doing it again.

 

Don't generalize people. That would be like me saying to you- "All men who cheat on their wifes have a wife at home who is lazy and doesn't take care of their sexual needs" That would make you angry wouldn't it because you probably feel that's not true in your case. Same thing for those of us who have cheated and ARE sorry for their actions and will never do it again.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I believe that you are able to forgive but your heart never forget what they do to you.. I believe that people can change but they have to want to change.. My h cheated on me yrs ago and hasn't done it since .. The once a cheater always a cheater doesn't go for everyone..

[grateful]

 

So they cheat again because the OW or OM will say all kinds of nice things to them that they can take in. That person already knows they are a cheat and like them anyway.

 

Kind of a weird cycle.

 

wow that is so true! Twisted but true. If the OW/OM is the only one that knows, h/she is the only person you can hang around to escape your guilt (because they already know and as silktricks says they still like you and on top of that you don't have to be endlessly thinking, what would h/she think if h/she knew i was a cheater?) So freakin' twisted.

[RainyDayWoman]

He cheated big time for years and I took him back - my stupidity - he said all the right words.

 

He's cheated for the last time on me and he will always be a cheater.

 

I repeat "ONCE A CHEATER IN A MARRIAGE, ALWAYS A CHEATER".

 

so he wasn't happy with you, or didn't want to be with you.

 

it doesn't mean he'll feel that way about someone else and cheat on her, too.

 

it might make you feel better to think that the problem lies with only him and not you because he's a cheating bastard. but it's just not true. sorry.

[reservoirdog1]

My cheating XW has said that she feels huge guilt about what she did during the marriage. I don't know if that's true or not.

 

But I do know that she's asked me on numerous occasions to forgive her. She's also said that, for whatever reason, it's very important to her that I see that she's now a changed person and believe it.

 

Long story short, I don't know if or when I'll forgive her. But all of the above does suggest to me that she feels at least some measure of guilt.

[dademurphy]

ANYONE, who would cheat on someone while in a relationship is a weak willed selfish pig.

And to deny that is just dilluting the facts to protect yourself.

 

To knowinlgy inflict that type of emotional pain and distress onto another human is uncalled for and is a form of emotional murder or rape.

If you feel the need to cheat, then you are nothappy and you need to leave the relationship instantly. There is no other option.

 

To continue the relationship is selfish, sadistic, and immoral.

Every day is based around lies and deceit.

 

Cheater DO NOT CHANGE.

[ThatOneGuy]

Sometimes Cheaters experience some sort of remorse for their actions, but that does not make their actions any less wrong.

 

Cheaters are just people that are too weak minded to resist sexual urges, and usually more often then not they just don’t care. They expect that they can “Get away with it”. As though doing it every once in a while is perfectly acceptable.

 

Some people just don’t have the discipline to not cheat. Or the morals for that matter. I know some cheater out there is going to be all like “Im such a good person and I cheated, so it doesn’t count!”

 

Erm, Wrong?

 

Why did you cheat, huh?

 

And you know what REALLY just makes me even more angry? How they can still have the audacity to say that they still loved the person, they just had a moment of weakness.

 

Bleh. Obviously the love wasn’t strong enough to fight away the urges that invaded your thoughts and led you down the path of Betrayal.

 

Yeah, I’ve been cheated on. Not because I even once stopped loving her. Not because I was ever mean to her. Not because she was bored of me, or I did anything wrong in any way.

 

Because she felt like it. She couldn’t resist her primitive nature to resist the charms of another male.

 

She said she never wanted to hurt me, bla bla bla. Should have thought about that sooner.

 

Yeah, Cheaters suck. But then again, lots of people suck. Humanity is kinda a screwed up race. Life blows sometimes.

[dademurphy]

And you are too correct for words, my friend.

I was 100% faithful for 10 years. She heard, "I love you" a hundred times a day. She got gifts. She got attention.

She never had to work, cook, clean, or anything else.

All I asked was for her to be there and be mine.

Then what happened?

She cheats, and I forgive her.

She cheats again...I forgive her.

She cheats again...I forgive her.

And now? I suspect she is at it again, and where am I? Here in misery, pain, and darkness wishing life would end.

Nice, huh?

 

Does she know I am hurting? YUP!

 

Look, a cheater CANNOT love the person they cheated on.

A cheater WILL NOT change.

A cheater CANNOT be faithful in the future.

AND YOU CANNOT SATISFY A CHEATER! Some urge inside them is so strong, they must find someone new over and over again.

 

You know, this is enlightening.

Love is not worth it.

Neither is living in pain.

Thankn you all.

Good-bye.

[ThatOneGuy]

Dude, like I said in the other thread, don't kill yourself over some chick that cant keep her legs closed. Your still young, don't throw away your future for someone that isn't worty to lick the dirt off your boots.

[cedric4691]

 

You know, this is enlightening.

Love is not worth it.

Neither is living in pain.

Thankn you all.

Good-bye.

 

Since this looks like a suicide note, let me just suggest that you Google "suicide" and read the first website that comes up. Remember that millions of other people have felt the way you do now and have bounced back. Don't adopt a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem!

[Mz. Pixie]

And you are too correct for words, my friend.

I was 100% faithful for 10 years. She heard, "I love you" a hundred times a day. She got gifts. She got attention.

She never had to work, cook, clean, or anything else.

All I asked was for her to be there and be mine.

Then what happened?

She cheats, and I forgive her.

She cheats again...I forgive her.

She cheats again...I forgive her.

And now? I suspect she is at it again, and where am I? Here in misery, pain, and darkness wishing life would end.

Nice, huh?

 

Does she know I am hurting? YUP!

 

Look, a cheater CANNOT love the person they cheated on.

A cheater WILL NOT change.

A cheater CANNOT be faithful in the future.

AND YOU CANNOT SATISFY A CHEATER! Some urge inside them is so strong, they must find someone new over and over again.

 

You know, this is enlightening.

Love is not worth it.

Neither is living in pain.

Thankn you all.

Good-bye.

 

Dade, I'm sorry that you are hurting and apparently you are.

Please see about getting some type of counseling for the way you're feeling right now.

 

I'm about to give you and That One Guy a dose of tough love here- for your own good. You can listen to me or not, makes me no difference, but I'm here to tell my story for a reason.

 

Dade-you wife was no doubt a SERIAL cheater. She can possibly not change. She may have some type of mental illness even that causes her to be the way that she is. She DOES not represent the majority of people who get caught up in something that they shouldn't have. Your mistake was in staying through the first times, especially without some in depth counseling to figure out what was wrong with her. You obviously have some self esteem issues going on, if you continued to stay with her after she cheated on you three times. You LET her do to you what she's done. I'm not saying that it's painful, because I'm sure it is. I'll quote Dr. Phil. You know what's worse than being cheated on three times in a marriage?? Allowing yourself to be cheated on the fourth time! Can you not see that the problem is not you and it's HER?? Honey, you need to cut your losses now and find someone who can really love you, because she cannot.

 

That Guy- Yep, as a matter of fact I am going to tell you that I'm a good person who has cheated before. There are several other people on this site who are also good people who have done the same thing. Here's a major thing that you need to know about life- just because it happened to you in a certain way it doesn't mean that it's always the same story. NO ONE can knows what goes on in a marriage or relationship except the two people involved and God. PERIOD. In that relationship, there are two sides to the story- his side and her side. Doesn't make either side wrong- it's just a difference of opinion. She sees things her way, you see them your way.

 

Most people do not set out to cheat. And I've got even more HUGE news for you- most women do not cheat because of SEX. Men usually cheat because their sexual needs are not being met, women usually cheat because their emotional needs are not being met.

 

Who are you to come on here and say you know the heart of every person?? You don't. You only know what happened in your own personal relationship.

 

When you come on here and generalize about people it's wrong. Because you don't know the circumstances of everyone involved in every single relationship where infidelity occurs. For instance, what if someone cheats because their spouse is a vegetable in the hospital, with no hope of recovery?? Are they doomed to live their lives married to someone who cannot even interact with them?? Would you have them divorce them and the person in the hospital lose all their health and life insurance or would it be more honorable to carry on a discreet affair and stay married to the person to help take care of them??

 

I was married for a LONG time. I tried every possible thing to work on my marriage. There are numerous posts on this forum by me to which you can search where I tell my story. Yes, I made the choice to step outside the marriage and cheat- but when you are STARVING and someone comes along and offers you a sandwich would you not eat?? If you say you wouldn't you're not being truthful. The truth is- no matter how much you say it's not- you do not know what you will do until you are in someone else's shoes. I was the least likely person in the world to cheat- I taught Sunday School, I'm an excellent mother and for almost all of my entire marriage I was the perfect wife.

 

What I did was wrong and I'm not saying that it wasn't. But I wasn't the only one in the marriage. He had responsibility in everything that happened. Just because I cheated doesn't make him innocent of any wrongdoing. His actions directly influenced mine. And I didn't cheat because I wanted more sex, I wanted a emotional connection to my spouse which he wouldn't give me. Should I have gotten out first? Absolutely. But I didn't. My mistake. People make them. Some are too perfect to admit to it but I'm not. And you know what? You've made mistakes as well, everyone has.

[ThatOneGuy]

That Guy- Yep, as a matter of fact I am going to tell you that I'm a good person who has cheated before. There are several other people on this site who are also good people who have done the same thing. Here's a major thing that you need to know about life- just because it happened to you in a certain way it doesn't mean that it's always the same story. NO ONE can knows what goes on in a marriage or relationship except the two people involved and God. PERIOD. In that relationship, there are two sides to the story- his side and her side. Doesn't make either side wrong- it's just a difference of opinion. She sees things her way, you see them your way.

 

What I did was wrong and I'm not saying that it wasn't. But I wasn't the only one in the marriage. He had responsibility in everything that happened. Just because I cheated doesn't make him innocent of any wrongdoing. His actions directly influenced mine. And I didn't cheat because I wanted more sex, I wanted a emotional connection to my spouse which he wouldn't give me. Should I have gotten out first? Absolutely. But I didn't. My mistake. People make them. Some are too perfect to admit to it but I'm not. And you know what? You've made mistakes as well, everyone has.

 

Not saying I haven't made mistakes, Im just saying that i've never degraded myself enough to screw another person while I was in a relationship. I pratice things called Commitment, Loyalty, Dedication...

 

Now, if Im in a relationship and something is wrong, I say something. If they stop loving me, It's over.

 

Now, I can understand if your spouce was smacking you around or something, but if he just didn't tell you he loved you enough or something to that extent, what you did is wrong. Plain and simple. Im glad your admiting you make mistakes, thats fine, but please refrain from defending other people that have cheated on their spouce for crappy reasons. "Just because it happened to you one way, doesn't mean it happened to everyone else the same"

[Mz. Pixie]

Not saying I haven't made mistakes, Im just saying that i've never degraded myself enough to screw another person while I was in a relationship. I pratice things called Commitment, Loyalty, Dedication...

 

Now, if Im in a relationship and something is wrong, I say something. If they stop loving me, It's over.

 

Now, I can understand if your spouce was smacking you around or something, but if he just didn't tell you he loved you enough or something to that extent, what you did is wrong. Plain and simple. Im glad your admiting you make mistakes, thats fine, but please refrain from defending other people that have cheated on their spouce for crappy reasons. "Just because it happened to you one way, doesn't mean it happened to everyone else the same"

 

I'm not defending someone who has cheated period. But I would say in over 90% of cases with cheaters, there are problems in the relationship before it happens.

 

You said that if you're in a relationship and something is wrong you say so?? Well, what if someone tries that?? Repeatedly?? Well, that was my experience. It's a little hard to pick up and go at just every little thing that goes wrong and it's often not until the person gets fed up that they leave.

 

Just because someone says that they love you, doesn't mean that it's true. Actions speak louder than words, IMO and a person can spout that they love me to the moon and back, but if they are not putting their love into actions, it's meaningless.

 

How old are you?? Have you ever been married before??

 

I also practiced Committment, Loyalty and Dedication. If not I certainly wouldn't have stayed married as long as I did before I cheated.

[dgiirl]

I agree with Mz Pixie, and I think there are two types of cheaters. The serial, and the one timer. The serial are hopeless and you cannot fix them. They need to fix themselves and get therapy.

 

The one timer usually cheat for a reason. They normally have been alone for a very long time, their needs have not been met, they're confused and lost. Chances are BOTH partners are feeling the exact same way, and this has been going on for a long time. They fall into a depression and lost themselves. They cannot think clearly and rationally. Then someone new comes into their life and brings that spark of life back into them. They get swept up in the emotions and stop thinking clearly. It's extremely easy to get swept away in the heat of the moment, especially when you were in a depression for so long. Yes, it's not cool, it's selfish and it's wrong. But it's understandable. For those who were cheated on, you have to ask yourself if there truely was a reason for them cheating. Were you yourself 100% happy in the relationship? Were all your needs being met? Or have you been distant from your spouse for a very long time? Did you still feel the butterflies when you two saw each other? Or was there no more spark in your marriage? If you cannot see a reason for them cheating, then chances are they'll repeat it. If you can, AND they understand how big of a mistake they made, then it's possible to reconcile and work on things. But only if you can believe they'll never do it again.

 

But you cant judge someone until you've experienced the same thing. And trust me, you never ever know what you will really do when faced with a situation. I never thought I would want to reconcile with my exh if I found out he cheated on me, and yet I did. I did the exact opposite of what I thought I would do! I'm slightly pissed off at myself because of that. I feel weak. But I've learned you never really know what you'll do until it happens.

[blind_otter]

How can cheaters manage not to be completely wracked with guilt?

 

I never managed it. I always felt guilty. I won't go into my reasons why I did it, but that's why I'm single now, because I have no business getting committed to anyone before I deal with my personal emotional issues.

 

The problem, I think, is that so many people love their denial. They spend a lot of time trying to fake it. And spend little time addressing their Issues. So they cavalierly get into intimate relationships without making sure that they are structurally sound and end up hurting people in the process.

 

Sometimes they live in denial until the day they die. And that is the saddest situation, IMO.