niteowl Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 well, for whatever reason, I have continued to talk to the ex on the phone this past week. It's really been idle chit chat...and to be honest, he hasn't really said anything about the split, about his leaving, about us....except he has thrown out there "what are we going to do for your birthday" and stuff like that. It hits a little nerve with me at times, but I do enjoy talking to him. I don't think he's playing head games necessarily, but I do have doubts he can do what needs to be done to 'fix' this relationship. People keep telling me he hasn't really shown me anything...just a bunch of talk. I figure it won't kill me to give it a bit of time to get worked out, if it's possible. And to be honest, I miss him. .......anyway, let's say I buck the system, and continue to chat with him....is it fair to bombard him about 'us' talk all the time? I haevn't yet, but I really feel a need to... Is this useless? Did anyone else continue to talk to the ex...how did it go? Just looking for some ideas. Thanks, nite Link to post Share on other sites
brooke7777 Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 Nite, I have been all over the board when it comes to contact and NC with the ex. We started out with having minimal contact and then went into full fledged NC for about 5 or 6 weeks, but it was killing me inside and I couldn't take it. Each day was a struggle so I caved and we began talking again. Things went from talking once every week and a half or two to now talking once a week, sometimes twice. Honestly, most people here are going to tell you to go full on NC. But with me, I just can't do it. I guess it's just me clinging on to whatever hope may still be lingering. Maybe I'm torturing myslef, but I like being in contact with him. The only down fall is the mixed signals I receive. They definitely drive me up a wall, but they are a risk I have had to take. I can definitely see the benefits of NC...these mixed signals would not be there, but somehow I am still compelled to pick up his phone calls or give him a call. As for the bombarding "us" talk...I did it and I think many people have done it. Mine went ok. I had tried to do it once, but it was too soon after we broke up and I was a blubbering mess and probably spoke jibberish. I tried it again...about 4 months after we broke up (we're at 5 now) and it went a lot better. I had time to really compose my thoughts and feelings and I layed them out on the table. I was stronger and was able to get everything out before I lost it. This "us" converstaion led me to where I am today, talking about once a week. And I'm ok with that for now. I know he still cares and I can tell he is really confused. So I guess I'm trying to keep him in the background while I live my life. I'm not ready to give up on him yet, but I'm also not completely waiting for him. I am going out and trying to have fun. It's hard and some days are a lot worse than others. My advice is to listen to your heart. Everyone's situation is different and no plan of action works the same for each couple. My heart tells me to remain in contact, so I have. And I am doing ok. Other people need to go full on NC and that works for them. I'm sure many people are shaking their heads at me and are going to tell me I need to go full NC, but I jsut can't do it. So basically, I would listen and read lots of advice, but only you can decide what's right for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niteowl Posted January 25, 2006 Author Share Posted January 25, 2006 thanks brooke...exactly what I was looking for...I, too, understand what I may be setting myself up for...but I feel it will take time to figure it all out. I hope one day we will be able to lay all the cards on the table and TALK. Like you said, I'm simply not ready to completely give up. The fact is, I love him, faults and all...and we are 'only' 3 weeks into this horrible mess....I'm going to follow my heart on this one, but I will do so wisely. Thank you so much for your feedback....I was begining to think I was the only one... ~nite Link to post Share on other sites
francis Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 my ex broke up with me last May, 8 months ago...wow...i have been in touch with him regularly ever since. he's provided for me financially and send me presents, i send him presents too in return, just recorded mix cd's, snacks, that kind of thing. we still support each other. i tried NC over Christmas (I broke it to thank him for a gift package he sent me) but I honestly get worse when we are out of touch. i support him with his business ( i authored his computer software package). we keep each other up to date with what we are doing, how we feel about stuff going on in our lives. it's hard, but i am resigned to the fact we are long distance and we found a relationship impossible. it works better this way, its less stressful, we are still in eachother's minds constantly but without the pain extra expectation puts on us when we tried to have a 'proper' relationship on a long distance basis. i guess deep down my hope is that we will reconcile when i finally finish school in May although neither of us have actually confirmed that. i know there is a reason that we have stayed in contact for so long. we have a connection and neither of us can ignore it. it has been very hard, but to bite my tongue, get on with school and stay in contact is what i am going to for now. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I still have contact with my ex..... business related. We do have friendly chat as well...... there is no romance/sex/ love or even thoughts of that from either of us. I would prefer NC, as my H is probably effected by this. However I do not hide the conversations, I will speak right in front of him. Still I would think that in some way keeping an ex will have neg. impact on a current SO. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 25, 2006 Share Posted January 25, 2006 I've been in contact with my most recent ex. He has work to do on my house (he is a carpenter). It see saws between good and horribly bad. God forbid I bring up anything about "us" because it blows up into a nasty argument (like today, when I was supposed to meet him for lunch. Ruined my effing lunch hour and wasted my time, that's what it did.) I've done full NC before. HOnestly that worked the best. I was over the ex faster, happier with my life, and didn't have this long thing dragging behind me. This way is messier, uglier, more painful, and generally uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, we still have good conversations. But those are even more painful, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
LawGirl Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Contact with exs - lets see ex- husband. Married for 20 years. I left. We never did enter 'no contact'. We have been separated nearly two years. We are actually quite civil. We still talk on the phone several times in a month. We even on occasion have supper together. Some people think it is sick (former boyfriend's comment). Others think it's odd. 1st boyfriend after the ex - nearly a year ago. I fell for him hard. Made alot of mistakes in expecting too much too soon. Hey - I hadn't dated in over 20 years!!! Was out of practice. My heart broke - I obsessed. I got over it. Never really did no contact either. Now we are friendly when we see each other. We never phone each other, text each other or email. But I still do run into him from time and when I do, I get a huge hug from him. Nice to see you, how are you doing. I hug him back and we chat for a bit and then "see you around". And we are both sincere. We are glad to see each other. But don't want anything more. Six months ago - I met the next 'boyfriend'. We ended up in a friends with benefits situation. But it felt more like boyfriend/girlfriend - spending the entire weekend together, etc. He blew hot and he blew cold. He confused the hell out of me. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, yet he made comments like "I don't want you doing this as long as you are with me..." (which was NOT well received btw). Then he would forget to call me for a week or so, then he would call me and ask why I stopped calling him. This went on about 5 - 6 times. The time before last, I went into NC. Couldn't take this roller coaster ride anymore. He called me Sunday at 2:00 am twice. I never answered. I was feeling strong and getting over him..... and then (someone slap me in the head and ask me what was I thinking) when he called on Wednesday last week and said he wanted to talk - I not only picked up the phone, but said yeah sure, pick me up. Well, he ended up spending the night. And again I haven't heard from him since. So back to NC. And please, please, please let me find the strength not to answer if he ever calls again. So - long story short. Yes - contact with exes who treated me and the end of our relationship with respect. No contact with the ex who did not. Link to post Share on other sites
wendel1 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 Im sorry Brooke but you are going to get hurt....If you still have romantic feelings for the ex then NC is definitely the thing to do. Are you still going to keep in touch when he tells you he's with somebody else? Its all very well saying go with your heart...but if that was the case we'd all be clinging onto our exes. You gotta sit down and think and use your head! Its all well being chatty to them a few times a week..being friendly etc.....but its just a matter of time before they say they've met someone new....and thats when you feel very foolish and realise you should have done NC from the start. I'd say you are better off doing NC for a while until you are healed completely, then drop them a line to see how they are going...which could be a few years later.... Link to post Share on other sites
brooke7777 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I just can't do it. I can't not talk to him. I tried and it made me feel 100 times worse. Yes, of course, I hope that we can reconcile, but I know that that may never happen. I know that he still has feelings too. He has told me, he has told mutual friends that have told me. So right now I am content with these converstions. As for him meeting someone else, that would devastate me. But I know it would be the same for him if I met someone else. Right now, I'm trying to take things one day at a time and see how things go between us. We are talking more and more and I guess I'm curious where this is going. If I were to abandon everything and go NC I would only wonder what would/could have happened. Sure, I am putting myself on the line right now, but I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take. I know thta I may end up even more devastated than I already am, but I just can't abandon things when they are starting to look up. I truly believe that each situation is different. Some are beneficial when there is contact and others are only beneficial with NC. Link to post Share on other sites
wendel1 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 You are very brave Brooke! We all make our own choices, and if that is yours then so be it....But you can only go on for a certain amount of time trying to be his friend..at the moment I think you are still at the 'romantic' stage, and not actually believing its over..thinking of all the good times you spent together etc... After a while I think somewhere along the line however your head suddenly tells your heart " Arent you sick of all this waiting..are we just gonna stay here waiting for him?..he aint coming back..I want to look somewhere else now!" Of course I hope you work it out I really do..but if he tells you he is seeing someone else how are you gonna feel? I'd say 1000 times worse Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 NC is more painful initially. But I liken it to ripping the bandaid off. It hurts more at first but the pain recedes more efficiently. Link to post Share on other sites
wendel1 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I think another good thing about NC is if we are still in touch with our exes, they know that they have 'something to fall back on', so if we start NC it leaves you with a degree of respect. I think if one partner needs a break in a relationship then they have to get it out of their system, and holding them back by being 'friends' is just gonna get on their nerves. Do NC for a month or two and who knows, they may realise what they are missing.... Link to post Share on other sites
brooke7777 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 I did try NC for about 5-6 weeks and it was so unbelievably horrible. I could barely sleep and my mind constantly centered around him. I picked up the phone countless times and stated to dial his number but hung up. It was just too hard. I know all of the benefits of NC, but somehow I guess my mind goes back to how horrible I felt during that period where we did have NC. Maybe one day I will be able to initiate it again, but right now I just don't think I could possibly do it. But thanks for all of your advice everyone. Breaking up sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
wendel1 Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 You are right breaking up is very hard! Link to post Share on other sites
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