fooled Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 OK, many of you know what a monster my ex is. Yet, still I've been longing for her company. I think this morning I realize why. My ego doesn't accept that I cared so strongly for someone who behaved the way she did (does). And inasmuch - I wonder if I really did love her. This week, I realized some other life problems that have been looming over my head for longer than I've known her. Perhaps, instead of loving her, I was simply clinging to her as a way to ignore these other issues. Maybe I just became addicted to her? My mornings and evenings with her allowed me to justify not addressing other things. Thoughts? Comments? NC is critical right now, as I'm desperately trying to fill the hole made by her loss. I've become angry at her and disappointed.
UT_longhorn Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 fooled..i ask myself the same thing all the time. did i truly love her, or was i addicted to her? i think in the end i feel its a bit of both. i am really hating her right now as she broke my heart a second time (i broke nc). i guess the only person i an blame is myself, but i so hate her for being the cause of the hurt. But youre right on the clinging this as well...I feel that I had become a bit lonely in life and was clinging to her moreso than i would women in the past. my best friends all have moved out of the city and although i have a great group of friends...alot of them have their own lives. So I think the clinging factor was one.
LN8840K Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 My ego doesn't accept that I cared so strongly for someone who behaved the way she did BINGO, we have a winner !
Geoffrey Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I know, guys....I kept waiting for her behavior to change for the better...but it didn't. It just got worse and worse. Alcoholism and depression were the two things that killed it for us. I know that I did many things right, why couldn't she see that? Why didn't she want to be a better person for herself first? I certainly love her and miss the wonderful thing we had going for so long. I miss her company every day. But I don't miss all the things she did that made the relationship tilt over and crash, either. If a person won't help themselves....no one else can do it for them.
LN8840K Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I know that I did many things right, why couldn't she see that? as long as you see it, thats what matters.
In Sync Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 OK, many of you know what a monster my ex is. Yet, still I've been longing for her company. I think this morning I realize why. My ego doesn't accept that I cared so strongly for someone who behaved the way she did (does). And inasmuch - I wonder if I really did love her. This week, I realized some other life problems that have been looming over my head for longer than I've known her. Perhaps, instead of loving her, I was simply clinging to her as a way to ignore these other issues. Maybe I just became addicted to her? My mornings and evenings with her allowed me to justify not addressing other things. Thoughts? Comments? NC is critical right now, as I'm desperately trying to fill the hole made by her loss. I've become angry at her and disappointed. I completely understand your mixed feelings. My X, was also an awful person, basically he was a classic N, and totally lacked empathy. What we miss are the times when the monsters were tame. And the reason we are angry is because we kept loving these little monsters. We chose to turn a blind eye, and now that it's over we see them for how they were. Our missing them is actually missing the illusion we built around them. Of course there is that hole...Before that hole was filled with all the drama that came with trying to tame them and energy spent trying to love them unconditionally. With them no longer in our lives, what we are feeling is not a hole but actually peace. That stillness is uncomfortable. We're angry because we can't get those days back where we went through all the agonizing to please them and keep things going, we're angry because we feel what did we get from that except hurt and pain..and now that they are gone we almost want that void to be filled again because it took up so much of our lives, even if it were for the worse. The longer we maintain NC, the the desire to be with them will fade. It's happening with me. Bit by bit by bit.
Author fooled Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 With them no longer in our lives, what we are feeling is not a hole but actually peace. That stillness is uncomfortable. Very poetic, In Sync. What disappoints me now is that I doubt I ever had an honest conversation with her. And never will.
wendel1 Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I guess or exes fulfilled our basic human wants and needs..be that emotional and sexual...so once we break up those human needs are not satisfied anymore and we have to fulfill them again...so i guess thats why we pine for them for a while....until we get fed up and decide to look elsewhere
In Sync Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Very poetic, In Sync. What disappoints me now is that I doubt I ever had an honest conversation with her. And never will. I am sad to admit this truth but it almost goes without saying. It is impossible to have an honest conversation with someone you are struggling with, no matter how much we loved them. In fact the desire for the X's created dishonesty, I wanted so much for him to love me back as I loved him, I refrained from speaking honestly and saying I don't like when you do this to me, or this is not right. I wanted to keep the illusion that he was perfect for me. So I lied and convinced myself he was perfect. I could fix it by ignoring the red flags the bad signs. How could I have an honest conversation with him if I was in deniable about the kind of person he truly was...unkind and mean... and did I even like this person.
bendit Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Anger is a good stage to be in because it motivates you to stay NC and NC is what is going to get you through. Eventually you will want to drop the anger and you point to why in your post. That's because dysfunctional relationships are a true dynamic. We are responsible for 50% of what happened. Often we bring as many problems as THEY do to the relationship, they are only in a different wrapper. In our case, its probably "nice guy" syndrome and co-dependency that got us involved with troubled women. You are correct we do this and pick "projects" because we don't want to to work on the project right in front of us. US! So when they are gone, it leaves a time void but not only that. There is nobody else with troubles to focus on. Her problems her issues her drama are no longer front and center and its only OUR stuff that lies before us, waiting to be addressed. You are on the right track. Day by day you will get better. And take this opportunity to work on your own PROJECT, your life. If you do the hard work, you will discover that the next person you allow into your life may not be a project at all. regards
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