Zeppelin456 Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Okay, I feel the need to vent my situation here, since I'm tired of burdening friends with my **** day in and day out. I am a freshman at school in New York City and aside from dealing with the adjustments that come with leaving the nest and going to college, I'm dealing with a whole new problem. You see, I went to school with the intentions of staying together with my high school girlfriend, who I'd been dating for two years. We were not completely naive, we realized these things rarely work out, but we couldn't, in good faith, end the relationship at the high point that it was at when school started this year (we had just driven cross country with two other friends over the summer, and spent pretty much every day and night together). Our relationship did decently at school, she goes to school about a 30 minute train ride out of the city, so it wasn't hard to meet up. Seeing her made me feel good, but I was definitely ignoring my social life here at my school and she was sacrificing things at her school. I think this is partially what led to our demise. At the beginning of December, she started to make more friends and then one night, told me that she felt suffocated and wanted more space, but that she definitely didn't want to break up with me. To hear this from her threw me for a loop; we always had just tried to spend as much time together as possible. I like to think of us as having had an extremely healthy relationship, but maybe it was so healthy that it kinda became unhealthy. We were always really exclusive, always making decisions together, spending as much time as possible. To hear her say she wanted...space? I freaked and went through a really tough time in the week and a half leading up to Winter Break. Going home for Winter Break, I thought, would be good for us both but alas, on the second night home, we had a terrible night and I confronted her in the car and she told me that maybe it would be best if we "took a break." So my vacation became this awful awful time, in which friends were torn between us, and in which I had what felt like a nervous breakdown every day. We maintained contact because I was still in love with her and was obsessed with the idea that we really should be friends. Vacation ended and she said that when we went back to school, everything would be better and we really could be friends. Well folks, I've been back for two weeks now and I'm still in a funk. I still obsess over her, even when I think she doesn't truly care for me that much anymore. The signals are mixed and weird though, as would be expected. She tells me she's not attracted to me sexually or romantically anymore, but is still attracted to me in other ways, in the ways that we talk together and sorta understand each other. I would tend to believe this, but since we split, she's undergone some major changes. I was always in love with her because she was beautiful without putting in any effort; she didn't do her hair or makeup very often. Now, she tells me how she puts much more effort in and gets more attention from boys and I just want to be like "What the **** is wrong with you? Why are you telling me this?" This long drawn out story leads me to why I'm here. I'm asking your advice. I think this person, regardless of whether I am in a romantic relationship, is a really great ****ing person. Even though she's dumped me, I still think so. I know that we have the capability to really be on the same wavelength, as she's said, but recently when we talk, it's just not there. My question is, do I cut it off? I know you're all going to say I should, but tell me why? I've brought up the possibility of just not speaking for a little while, because I feel like I'm only continuing to hurt myself at this point. Most of the times we talk, I feel sad afterwards. At the very beginning of second semester, none of her friends had arrived at school yet and she talked to me alot and told me how she missed me and such, but since her social life has gotten back in gear again (and she certainly likes to tell me that, even as I'm struggling), I've felt pretty unnecesary again. She's coming into the city on my birthday in a few days to take me out to breakfast, which is sweet because it's something we've always liked to do and she talked about the possibility of staying over so we could get to breakfast nice and early, which I'm fine with. I offered her the couch, she said "No way, I'm sleeping in your bed. It won't be weird." I just don't get it. We decided that we'd talk about breaking contact when she's here for my birthday and I'm just not sure what to do. Will I ruin any chances of me being a part of this person's life if I try to go a month or two without talking to her? Then again, I am getting sick and tired of being depressed at various intervals of the day. Everyday is still like a minefield for me, and it's been over a month now. I need to get better. Help me.
kitten chick Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 NC isn't for everyone. The decision has to be yours. It seems like you're not capable of just being friends with her, at least right now. Some people go through the tough road of becoming friends but it's a lot of work. My personal opinion is that you need to do what's best for you and that means building a happy life for yourself without her. If she can't understand that you need time away then she's not acting like your friend. You could very well lose her from your life completely, it's happened to me more than once, but she's made it clear that she doesn't want your life anymore and it may be a risk that you have to take to make yourself better.
UT_longhorn Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 hey man... the reason you're not getting better is because shes moving on and youre stuck because youre maintaining contact. you have to maintain strict NC. Why would you put yourself through all that torture man. She's giving you mixed signals with no definates. Until she knocks your door down to get back with you, dont even let her near you emotionally or physically. This birthday thing youre having with her...I hope youre careful man. It sounds like a perfect setup for some hurting. I just got blasted by my ex yesterday because i thought she wanted to work things out. back to square one man. its not worth it. its so not. the pain is back again, and its not going for a loooong time. but u gotta maintain man.stay strong and loose the contact.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 It just seems really unnatural to cut off contact with this person. we were friends before we ever dated...in fact, we really were best friends the whole time. I'm just worried that giving the total cold shoulder for a while is sending the message that I don't like her, just as a person, which isn't true. I've been, at various points, really PO'd at her for doing this to me but I know it's not a malicious move. It's really the best thing for both of us, I understand that much. Since we've split, I've been making more friends here at school and that aspect of my life has improved, and I think it was strong of her to do this, it's just, I miss her really badly. that's my problem.
UT_longhorn Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Hey man. I would give anything to have a warm moment with my ex. To feel her touch and kiss. But I know that its going to bring me back to square one. Everyone misses the one that was there. You're going to feel that emptiness and lonlienss. Its a fact. But by you being in that position is only going to make it worse and worse because you get stuck in that horrible cycle. You wont move on. If you enjoy being in your position..then so be it. What are you gonna feel when your ex says, I found someone else? Im telling you man....u gotta move forward. Its good that you're making friends and all. Thatll help. 1
meltwithme Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 I went through something very similar, if you follow this advice to a tee you may have a shot with this girl in the future. She tells me she's not attracted to me sexually or romantically anymore, but is still attracted to me in other ways, in the ways that we talk together and sorta understand each other. I would tend to believe this, but since we split, she's undergone some major changes. Sorry mate, the spark is gone for her. In her mind, your relationship is over. She isn't changing and putting in extra effort for you. Now, she tells me how she puts much more effort in and gets more attention from boys and I just want to be like "What the **** is wrong with you? Why are you telling me this?" My ex on 'the break' did the same thing saying "i'm going to the beach with a guy I met in the bar tonight" I'm not sure why they say things like that either... I asked her straight up "why are you telling me this" and she told me "don't give me your'e jealousy ****" me: "ok I'm not trying to be pushy but seriously why did you want to tell me that" her: "I'm trying to tell you about my night WOW" .... but that was the only thing she told me about her night... so wtf is with that? Anyways, I think she is feeling guilty and is looking for reasons to justify herself leaving by telling herself you're getting jealous. My question is, do I cut it off? I know you're all going to say I should, but tell me why? Because you're not in the right state of mind to be talking to her. Most of the times we talk, I feel sad afterwards. Mate please please just tell her that you can't wait around for her to make up her mind and that it's over. I know I know it seems like the last thing you want to do right now but you just have to beleive me, your mind is your worst enemy right now. If you wait around and be her doormat she will just lose more respect for you. The spark is already gone to her. the only chance you have is to throw her for a loop and tell her that you dont want her in your life right now because you need some time to clear you're head (you do) and that you MIGHT give her a call in the future to see how she's doing. At the very beginning of second semester, none of her friends had arrived at school yet and she talked to me alot and told me how she missed me and such, but since her social life has gotten back in gear again (and she certainly likes to tell me that, even as I'm struggling), I've felt pretty unnecesary again. Once again, a certain sign that she is out looking for someone to replace you. I know it's hard to beleive right now but she is done with you man, she is done with you, let it sink in and work up the balls to leave first, if you do you will thank me latter. You must take my advice and leave before she finds that guy (if she hasn't already). Will I ruin any chances of me being a part of this person's life if I try to go a month or two without talking to her? No, you might actually get your chance back if you tell her this break isn't working for you and that you aren't going to wait around. Strange as it sounds it's the only way right now. Then again, I am getting sick and tired of being depressed at various intervals of the day. Another reason to get away from her for a few months atleast. Let me make sure this sinks in. Right now she is just trying to let you down easy mate, be asured that she will get rid of you the moment she finds someone or isn't feeling guilty about dumping you. Because of this, you need to tell her that you have to make the break a breakup. Say something like 'sorry I can't work things out with you right now, I can't be kept in the dark like this and I need some time apart to clear my mind, maybe we can talk in the future.' Goodluck
notmakingsense Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 It just seems really unnatural to cut off contact with this person. we were friends before we ever dated...in fact, we really were best friends the whole time. I'm just worried that giving the total cold shoulder for a while is sending the message that I don't like her, just as a person, which isn't true. I've been, at various points, really PO'd at her for doing this to me but I know it's not a malicious move. It's really the best thing for both of us, I understand that much. Since we've split, I've been making more friends here at school and that aspect of my life has improved, and I think it was strong of her to do this, it's just, I miss her really badly. that's my problem. As you can tell, most of the advice here will be to break of contact, and I can only offer you another way to look at the options you have: 1. If you have the inner strength to consider yourself broken up, be happy, and meet new women while still contacting her and being reminded of her diminishing interest -- then more power to you. Go for it. She may become re-interested simply by seeing how you are developing new personal interests and are happy doing your own thing. 2. Most of us here aren't strong enough to handle #1. We have to very strictly break off contact so that we can slowly begin to loose our feelings of love/intimacy for the other person before we can go on with life, be happy, and get involved with new romantic interests. It still may result in her becoming re-interested in you, as your dissappearance gives the illusion of you moving on (its only an illusion for a while -- over time, you really will be moving on). So, you see, most of us here have learned that #1 usually fails, and learning of that failure the hard-way is VERY painful. You can read about it in many posts -- including my own! Ironically enough, many of us choose to repeatedly question No Contact -- even though we know it is the best for us in the long run. In a way -- it just helps us vent. So read and post often.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 Thanks...I appreciate this. To be honest, she called it "Take a break" but since then, we've repeatedly referred to our "breaking up." That's what it is, I understand that much. I'm just trying to figure out how to keep a very cool person as some part of my life, if it's even possible. Does it make sense to DECLARE NC to her or just to do it? I brought it up and she said that it would feel unnatural and make her sad, but I'm sort of beyond looking after her interests at this point. Thanks again for the help so far.
notmakingsense Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 That's a tough one -- because simply stopping contact can come across as you just being mean -- or at least being sulky over your situation. My own approach would be to tell her that because you still have feielings that go beyond friendship, that just hanging/talking with her makes you feel bad about thie situation, so you need a break from her for a while so that you can move on and become a better friend to her down the road.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 To be honest, I'm just really scared right now more than anything. I don't feel like I miss HER so much anymore as I miss security. It's like if a kid is seperated from his mother or something, that kinda fear. Is that weird?
Author Zeppelin456 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 Ach help me! I did not speak to my ex girlfriend for a week and then, I called her to see if she was still coming on tuesday (my birthday). She is...and we had very little other discussion. I feel awful now and I'm worried about her even coming. I just want to know, <b>how is it that two people who seem to mutually love and respect each other one day can suddenly be totally different the next?</b> After two years of feeling completely connected, talking to her just isn't the same, which is what depresses me. It's like, I want to talk to her, but only if things can be like they used to, which clearly they can't. Okay, that's it. I want to feel better.
notmakingsense Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 I still think that no-contact is the best thing for you in this case. You should call her back and tell her that if she is awkward about things in any way, that it would not upset you if she decided not to come to your birthday. Better to avoid this whole mess in my opinion. She may still come over, in which case this is going to be very awkward for both of you. Things won't be the same as before, and you aren't comfortable being in your new role of "friend." Just try to do the best you can without bringing up your relationship. Don't expect anything from her -- and treat her as you would any other friend. If she wants to get more serious, ask to wait until a later time and do your best to show her that you can live your life without her as a girlfriend.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 I think, in my heart, I agree with you...but I really do feel like if I cut her off now, I'm never going to be able to get friendship back. People might say "why do you want a friendship with her anyways?" and I honestly don't know, I just think she's a good person and we're friends with alot of the same people anyways. I don't want her to just be someone from my past, I'm sort of afraid of that I think.
notmakingsense Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 If she isn't friend enough to deal with you cutting her off now -- then how much of a friend is she? You don't have to cut her off without explanation -- you can be honest and tell her that you need this time apart in order to get over the relationship. If she can't accept that, or if she uses your time apart from her to distance herself -- well, then that tells you something -- doesn't it. I suspect that what you are really afraid of is losing any chance of re-kindling the relationship.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 you're probably right you know, but I saw her today for my birthday, and while yes, I am holding some sort of flame for her, it reminded me of what a good time I have with her and what a cool person I think she is. I guess it went pretty well, we had a good friendly time, and for the most part it wasn't very hard for me. She wrote me a really sweet note and gave me a peck on the neck as she was getting on her train, and I just feel good now. I hope that it's not just a temporary feeling, as if i was an alcoholic who had just ONE drink or something, I hope this is a turnaround for me. It's probably not, but I feel okay for now. Thanks alot for the help and such, so far.
UT_longhorn Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 you feel good because you think that the chances of reconiliation are good. if you find out otherwise, later it wont feel as good.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted February 4, 2006 Author Posted February 4, 2006 okay, I just want to know when I can go back to feeeling normal. today's been absolutely awful. it's raining out and it's 4:30 PM, I haven't been outside, haven't eaten, haven't gotten any work done. I just showered but I still feel ****ty and I cannot get my mind off of her. this is ridiculous. what do I need to do to feel okay? we haven't spoken since tuesday, which is fine, but I'm really tempted to call right now. obviously it's a bad idea, you can't talk about your problems with someone who IS the problem. i don't know what to do. honestly, this is getting to be too laborious to deal with.
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