Unemployed Wife-Duties in Relationship?

[Only Breadwinner]

I am in a relationship in which I have been discussing marriage with a woman. I and my GF share the same ethnic background, but her English is not at a level to allow her to be employed easily. It is my opinion that if one person in a marriage is the sole breadwinner, and the other partner does not work, nor have any children to take care of, then the non-employed partner should spend the same amount of time contributing to the family as the employed member.

 

Specifically, if I work 8 hours a day, then I think it is reasonable that my wife spend 8 hours a day doing things like taking care of cleaning, cooking, laundry, or studying English if she wants to become employable.

 

If she becomes employed and works 8 hours a day, then I would be happy to split household duties.

 

I imagine some might think this is sexist, but if I were the non-employed member of the marriage, I would have no problem with this. Further I would point out that I earn far far more than one could earn from being employed doing household duties. Also I would repeat, that I would encourage my wife to improve her English, become employed, and earn an income at which point household duties would be shared. In the meantime though, if I work then it is only fair that she take care of the household duties.

 

Do others think this to be fair.

[Roo-bie2]

I think you are setting up yourself to disrespect your wife.

 

She will never meet your standards, especially if you come home and start nit picking on why she didn't do XYZ task. If you start making list and putting those types of expectations down you are going to set yourself up for arguements.

 

Also, cleaning up the home should be everyone's responciblity. If you see it dirty clean it. Don't just throw your clothes down. Don't add to her work because it is her work.

 

If she doesn't speak as much English as you it will set her up to be isolated. This can be very depressing. This can make it harder to get stuff done.

[hooghie]

How has she been surviving up until now in the U.S. without a job and unable to speak english?? Have you been supporting her?

 

Whatever you do- do not hold the fact that you make the $ over her head- it's not good for the relationship. If you love her, help her learn english & help her gain skills that will make her employable. If she loves you and is worthy of a commitment from you (or anyone)- I don't think she'll lie on the couch while you work all day, but you also can't treat her like she is your slave.

 

I am SOOOOOOOO glad that I am well educated. I will never have to depend on a man for financial support!

[JayKay]

I agree...I am so glad I am not in this situation. It's like you have all the power and can dictate what her responsibilities are.

 

A home is the responsibility of both people. If you come home and things are not done to your liking, will you then complain that she is not doing her 'job'?

 

She doesn't have the same power. She can't come to your workplace and dictate how you do YOUR job.

It puts her in a very subservient position.

 

I realize some couples are just fine with this. For me personally, it would be intolerable. I would much rather live on my own until I could afford to be an equally contributing member, in terms of finances.

 

Furthermore, you can come home and leave your job behind. If her 'job' is housekeeping, she will always be sitting in her 'office' and anything left undone will create arguments.

Will you then feel resentful when you have to put clothes in the hamper or wash a dish?

 

Rather than make it 'her job', I'd suggest you discuss how she wants to map out her future. What are her plans? Can she take classes to improve her english? Where? For how long?

 

If she is a responsible and giving person, she will probably naturally gravitate towards taking care of the things you can't while you're at work. I can't imagine someone not doing the shopping and house-cleaning if they're not at work all day.

 

You know her well enough, I assume, to know whether she'd laze about the house all day or actually take care of things.

 

But to make it her 'job'.....ugh, I don't know.

 

Yes, it's FAIR that she do more housework than you. But it's your home as well.

[Only Breadwinner]

Perhaps it is that I come from a different cultural background that is a basis for disagreement with the responders here.

 

If I decided to work only half-time, just because I wanted to, or to allow me more time to do what I wanted to, I do think my wife would have a problem with that.

 

I think it is undervaluing myself as a person for others to think that her time is worth more than mine. Why should I work 8 hours a day and she not be working 8 hours a day to also support us in some way. Yes indeed, I have encouraged my GF to take English lessons and consider that as contributing to our relationship. If I work eight hours a day, I do think she should be spending an approximate equal amount of time contributing. I WANT her to become fluent in English, I want her to pursue a career she enjoys. If she wants to go out and work, great, I will be more than happy to split the household chores.

 

I have no problem in doing housework or picking up after myself, but I do have a problem if after working all day, my wife has not done anything but watched TV, or been on the computer; that is just not fair. I would like to stay home too and do what I want, yet someone has to pay the bills.

 

My last GF swore that she wanted to work, and loved to clean, and cook. Guess what, once she moved in with me, she hardly ever cleaned and did not get a job in over a year while I supported her. The house definitely was messier with her there than prior to her being there. I guess that I am sensitive to this issue because of my Ex-GF and relationship previous to that, I was the sole breadwinner, but still ended up doing the vast majority of cleaning, while the GF socialized, watched TV, surfed the internet, went shopping. I am just want to make sure that in my future relationship it is clear that both partners must be contributing to the nuts and bolts of the relationship. When the rules are not set down in the beginning, I just fear, I will just end up with being the breadwinner and doing most of the housework. Most people tend to be lazy and will not work unless it is clear what the groundrules are.

[blind_otter]

I agree with you, breadwinner, to a certain extent. This is just MY opinion, but I grew up with a mother from a southeast asian country and we had a setup similar to what you describe...except my DAD stayed home. He was retired by the time I was born, so he got a pension, etc.

 

My Mom worked full time and Dad took care of the housework, cooking breakfast and making lunch for the kids, the yard work, the family investment portfolios. Mom worked 8 hours and would cook dinner when she got home, or cook on sundays and freeze meals for the week.

 

I stayed at home when married to my exhusband and held myself to a schedule because otherwise I felt like a lazy slob and I would watch daytime TV all day; I need a structure like that or I go loopy. I felt like it was my duty to cook and clean for him, since I didn't do anything else during the day. I would even bring him hot cooked lunches from home, I mean, what the hell else do I have to do? Sit there with my thumb up my butt?

 

I considered maintaining the household my job, and it was a job. When I worked outside the house, I didn't hold MYSELF up to those standards because I felt like I contributed to the family income.

 

When my Mom was learning to speak english, she stayed home and took care of the house and cleaned and went to school...so when my Dad was still working, he would look after the kids when he got home and mom would go across town to the community college.

 

I don't see why this is so weird to people. I think it's a good give and take.

[Only Breadwinner]

I honestly believe that in this society, there is a bias againt men. Why is it O.K. for a man to go out and work with 50% of his labor and income for his wifes benefit, but it is not O.K. for the wife to do cleaning at home of some of the husbands mess. Why is it demeaning for a woman to do her husbands dishes or laundry or whatever chore at home, but it is not demeaning for her to take half her husbands wages? Basically it sounds as if most of the respondents here believe it is demeaning for a woman to choose to be a homemaker.

 

I would once again stress that I am not stating that a husbands time is any more valuable than a wife's. Indeed I am fighting for the understanding that a husbands and wifes time are EQUALLY important. Therefore, a husband or wife should spend approximate amounts of time working.