violet_21 Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I have an issue, I am dating a great guy of 3 years, but my problem is.. over time it has slowly become that most everything is about him, and I have sort of become so involved with him, his hobbies, his interests etc, that I feel like mine are getting totally lost! He isn't very interested in my hobbies, probably because I am interested in things such as doll collecting and building dollhouses, and he is spooked by my large dolls and just is uninterested, esp when he has a little daughter always trying to get him to play barbies hehe... another interest of mine, movies, he doesn't like the same type.. but I do like his type, somewhat, so we usually stick to action type flicks, and the others I like, scary/thriller or romantice type are totally left out. He also isn't into reading, or into the same type of video games I like.. rawr!! Its really difficult, and lately I've been feeling my personality slipping into his and I feel like we are merging and I want to have a little more indepedance and my own interests. I don't really know how to deal with this without us fighting and stuff.. I have tried to get him to have interest in things I like, but he just doesn't lol. We have alot of fun together, but as soon as I start talking about something out of his interest he kind of zones out and his trouble paying attention to me. He isn't trying to be mean.. sort of like if he started going on about car motors I guess, I would be like.. omg.. boring.. He even hates going out to the movies, so we always watch them at his or my house. RAWR! But I DO try to show interest, i watch hockey with him, read about cars, even help him restore an old chevelle he loves.. but those are all things for him. It kinda sucks he doesnt' do it back, but hes so masculine I think its really hard for him. I love spending time with him but i can't help be sad its usually all kinda geared towards him. Does anyone have any advice?? I don't want to become his clone, I need to be able to maintain my own personality and likes and interests.. anyone else have this issue? I love him dearly but this could become quite an issue so I need to work it out I think!
justagirliegirl Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 You are right. It probably isn't a good idea to lose yourself in someone else. What happens if you break up? Why not just try being yourself like you weren't with him and see what happens. He will never be interested in dolls and you can't force him. It seems like you "try" to be interested in things he likes even though you aren't really interested in it just to please him? Isn't being a bit dishonest with yourself? Does he really care that you are or aren't interested in sports? I would just take yourself back and be more honest with yourself and him. Spend more time doing things you like to do with other people with the same interests.
Walk Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I don't really have a good advice on this... I've been where you're at, but I don't think I came to a happy resolution for me. What I tried, and it may work for you, is to set aside time specifically for me and my hobbies or interests. I would tell my exH that tomorrow from 9-11 I'm going to go do X, we can get together afterward if he wants. Most my hobbies/interests are solitary endeavors, so it was hard to include him. And it created a lot of animosity in me that he didn't seem to care that I had hobbies/interests. He was also really needy, so he'd guilt trip me into doing what he wanted to do most the time. The few times I got him to do something with me he was so grumpy and moody that I ended up hating it and we just went home and did what he wanted to do. Like I said, it created intense amounts of animosity toward him. It was ironic though.. for 8 years he hated all my interests.. but when he realized I was fed up with the marriage and his "me" attitude, he suddenly developed amazing interest in what I was doing. Wanted to help, wanted to be involved, wanted to be a part of the things I loved doing. You can't make someone else interested in what you love to do. But definitely try to set aside time for yourself to do those things. I'm sure he would appreciate time for his interests without a gf over his shoulder too. It shouldn't create arguments if you explain how he will benefit from this too. Either through having time for himself, or by having a happier gf.
Apathygrip Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 well if he is "the one" you'll be OK I guess, but the hardest thing is to find who YOU are after the split, I came off a 3 year GF and I was lost for a hot one, but you'll find what you want if you look
ms_jnj Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Hmmm....that has happened to me before. My advice is to be careful, because if you break up...your entire life will seem empty. That was what happened to me. I won't ever make that mistake again, I will always have my own life and interests regardless of whether my boyfriend enjoys them or not, I will never neglect my independent interests and life. You never know when a relationship might crash and burn and you don't want to be left with nothing if it does. I actually left a guy because he wanted me to give up my own interests and career for him.....it's a long story but he basicially wanted nothing in my life but him, and I had vowed never to do that again. So I didn't. Just my cynical two cents.
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