General discussion of the mental & emotional processes of those who initiate breakups

[Shattered Heart]

These are general questions pertaining to those who have ever been the ones to initiate a breakup, and is an attempt to get "inside the minds" of these individuals, in hopes of hearing their perspective and gaining a better understanding of the pieces involved from the people who CAUSE the pain. Obviously, there are many reasons WHY someone would break up with another. So that is not what I want to know. What I do want to know is the mental and emotional processes associated with a person who's doing the breaking up. In other words, when you break up with someone, what mental and emotional changes take place in you, starting from the initial breaking of the bad news to the other person, all the way through to the point where you either become "just friends" with them, totally lose touch with them altogether, or eventually get back together with them? What overall feelings are experienced throughout this breakup process and how are you affected by it? What are your feelings towards your ex, and how do your feelings change towards your ex as certain situations or circumstances arise?

 

Granted, the answers to these questions will be specific to each of the two types of breakups: one that is due solely to a change of heart or an "escape", and one where there is another love interest involved. Also, where another love interest is involved and you're purposely keeping it a secret from your ex (probably to not cause any more undue pain), how does this affect your psyche until you finally reveal the truth to your ex about your new love interest?

 

What I tend to see is that when a person breaks up with someone, the person doing the breaking up ("breakOR") develops a whole new attitude towards the person they break up with ("breakEE"). It goes as far as the breakOR becoming a totally different person when dealing with the breakEE, with behavioral changes and treatment ranging from being mean, nasty, rude, harsh, resentful, hurtful, uncaring, cold-hearted, etc. etc. (the list goes on and on). And how does the breakOR really feel about the whole being "friends" thing with the breakEE? Does the breakOR really WANT to remain "friends" with the breakEE, or is that just something that is said to soften the blow to the breakEE? And why is it so hard for people to remain friends after a breakup, being that they were once happy in a relationship where they were also working on building the foundation for a friendship as well?

 

Any insight or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated to hopefully shed some light on these mysterious issues.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

You won't get any responses from dumpers here, because they aren't on LS or other places on the internet trying to gain comfort. They move on with their lives and forget all about the person they inflicted pain upon.

[d'Arthez]

These are general questions pertaining to those who have ever been the ones to initiate a breakup, and is an attempt to get "inside the minds" of these individuals, in hopes of hearing their perspective and gaining a better understanding of the pieces involved from the people who CAUSE the pain.

That is already too much of a simplification I fear. I hardly imagine all dumpers or dumpees to be perfectly happy in every relationship, until one of them, henceforth known as the dumper, gets the idea to break up. A dumper will be in one way or the other not happy - and there is no reason not to assume that it might be (in part or wholly) caused by the person who was dumped. Cause and effect are almost useless concepts when trying to understand why a relationship did or did not work. The dumper will perceive the dumpee as cause. And the dumpee the dumper. Both are true and false.

 

And with that, another problem exists. Reasons do matter. If someone were to catch their SO in bed with an uninvited guest, the thought processes tend to be a bit different, compared to when they simply would think that this relationship is going nowhere. And a single pure reason almost never exists (probably with the exception of catching your SO with an uninvited guest). We do not live in abstractions, so whether or not we have finished school, are settled in our careers, what not, also contribute to the dynamics of the relationship. Yes, and even the foresight of a big inheritance may make a relationship work for some people.

 

What I tend to see is that when a person breaks up with someone, the person doing the breaking up ("breakOR") develops a whole new attitude towards the person they break up with ("breakEE"). It goes as far as the breakOR becoming a totally different person when dealing with the breakEE, with behavioral changes and treatment ranging from being mean, nasty, rude, harsh, resentful, hurtful, uncaring, cold-hearted, etc. etc. (the list goes on and on).

That in itself is a very interesting observation. But either the two of them were a match in hell, or there exists a problem of justification to one-self for the break-up for the breakOR. This might be enhanced by the behavior of the breakEE if he or she does not realize that the break is meant to be permanent. Clingy behavior, all kinds of sympathy-eliciting behaviors, all the talk about: "We will address this" - when the relationship is not over, I can hardly imagine the breakOR to perceive this as neutral behavior.

 

And the breakOR is often conflicted about breaking up too. Feelings of guilt. Not wanting to see the breakEE in pain. Doubts. And how to dispel those? Not by talking the breakEE up into the heavens - for then there would be no reason to have broken up in the first place. So what remains, is an evaluation in the other, more negative direction. There are actually reasons why a breakOR breaks up with a breakEE. Does not mean that these reasons are correct, valid or whatever - but that they have served as a ground for the breakOR to decide to break up.

 

And for such a new attitude to develop, it must be more or less be an attitude that is dormant, and just waiting for the right circumstances to develop. And if one feels frustrated by the SO, because of whatever reasons, once the break is there, there is "no" reason to not let the frustrations come to the foreground. After all, you are not in a relationship anymore, so you are not hurting your SO (as an SO) by saying things like that.

What it does show, however, is that this guy or girl has indeed an attitude problem. But then again, there are but few people who don't.

 

And how does the breakOR really feel about the whole being "friends" thing with the breakEE? Does the breakOR really WANT to remain "friends" with the breakEE, or is that just something that is said to soften the blow to the breakEE?

Soften the blow. Guilt. Sometimes when there is not anything nice to say, you say things that are meant to sound just nice - but often not followed up. Rarely those things are meant.

 

And why is it so hard for people to remain friends after a breakup, being that they were once happy in a relationship where they were also working on building the foundation for a friendship as well?

Because the friendship never existed in its pure form in most of the cases. Friendship is much more than the ability to hang out with each other and enjoy it.

[ClareG]

I've been thinking about leaving my partner since we first got together 9 years ago, due to the way he has treated me over the years and his drug abuse and drinking habits. I ended up staying for all this time because he was nice to me inbetween these traumatic experiences. I have now told him I want to leave - he would like me to stay, if I'm "going to be nice to him", but he hasn't made any huge efforts to make me stay. Therefore I have decided to leave him tonight, while he is away, and I will drive and see him tomorrow and tell him. I feel guilt, doubt, despair, confusion, and I am so worried for him and his future. I do really believe that he will be happier with somebody more like him, and I will be happier without him, but 9 years together means that we have a lot in common, and some shared plans for the future, as well as property and pets. In a way, it feels as if the property is what keeps us together rather than love or having lots in common on a personal level.

 

Yes, I have treated him differently since I told him that I am thinking about leaving: I've been cold and distant and quite hard, partly to show him that this time I'm serious, partly to protect myself and help me hold on to my decision, and partly because I really think it will be better for both of us if we split up.

 

So tonight a friend of mine is coming over to help me move all my things to her house... I will be crying my eyes out, but I know it's the right thing to do.

 

Wish me courage!

[Shattered Heart]

Soften the blow. Guilt. Sometimes when there is not anything nice to say' date=' you say things that are meant to sound just nice - but often not followed up. Rarely those things are meant.[/quote']

 

So you're saying that "being friends" is something the dumper never really wants? If so, do you think it may have to do with the dumper not wanting to face the dumpee because of the guilt the dumper feels for hurting the dumpee in the first place?

 

Because the friendship never existed in its pure form in most of the cases. Friendship is much more than the ability to hang out with each other and enjoy it.

 

As true as that is, it's so damn discouraging because how will you ever know who your soul mate truly is? Granted, you can have a deep love, friendship, and appreciation for the other person, but how can you ever really be sure that the person is the right one for you? As in ClareG's case, she and her boyfriend were together for 9 years. You can assume that 9 years is a long enough time to figure out if the other person is "the one". But, apparently, it's not. So when do you really know...if ever? It's frustrating just thinking about it. Because it all comes down to how you both fill your time together after sex. I mean, sex is nice and all, but what are you going to do with each other for the remaining 23 hours 45 minutes?...longer for some

 

Yes, I have treated him differently since I told him that I am thinking about leaving: I've been cold and distant and quite hard, partly to show him that this time I'm serious, partly to protect myself and help me hold on to my decision, and partly because I really think it will be better for both of us if we split up.

 

So you actually realize on a conscious level how you're treating him? So this is intentional on your part and is typically not the type of person you normally are?

[d'Arthez]

So you're saying that "being friends" is something the dumper never really wants? If so, do you think it may have to do with the dumper not wanting to face the dumpee because of the guilt the dumper feels for hurting the dumpee in the first place?

Sometimes it is an excuse to say: "I want to be friends." Sometimes it is a real wish. And sometimes, when seeing the hurt caused by the breakup, the breakOR simply does not know how to handle it, and makes a promise out of guilt, or the desire to soften the blow. Does not mean that the breakOR was out to deceive the breakEE - but simply that the breakOR was too confused to think clearly what (s)he desires.

 

As true as that is, it's so damn discouraging because how will you ever know who your soul mate truly is? Granted, you can have a deep love, friendship, and appreciation for the other person, but how can you ever really be sure that the person is the right one for you? As in ClareG's case, she and her boyfriend were together for 9 years.

That is indeed a hard question. And for everyone the idea of a solid friendship is different.

Fact is I hate some modern comedy. So please, do not make it mandatory (in the name of friendship) to let me watch episodes of <fill in the series>. Now if it were discussions about philosophy and literature, it might be completely different. But I know, not everyone loves these discussions.

So the only thing you could do is to outlay some basics on friendship. But these would be so abstract, that they are practically meaningless as signs of solid friendships.

 

You can assume that 9 years is a long enough time to figure out if the other person is "the one". But, apparently, it's not. So when do you really know...if ever?

I am sorry to hear your story ClareG.

ClareG's story points to a number of red flags. But despite these flags she remained in the relationship, for the nice moments between the abuse. Rationally speaking, you would never expect people to put up with that. But that is what happened. She kept hoping that her bf would change and get his act together. That did not happen, sadly.

 

It's frustrating just thinking about it. Because it all comes down to how you both fill your time together after sex. I mean, sex is nice and all, but what are you going to do with each other for the remaining 23 hours 45 minutes?...longer for some

And shorter for others. But seriously, that is exactly the issue at stake. And it is a tough issue, especially nowadays, were a lot of people depend on two incomes, and at least two full-time jobs to sustain themselves. And the more time you spend on acquiring money, driving to and fro places, sleeping et cetera, the less time you have to spend together, as a couple.

 

All these factors mean that there is less time for: Going out to dinner. Watch TV (if there are good programs), discuss interests. Et cetera. Things do not improve when the schedules for work do not match, when people do not pursue the same interests. You can't build a relationship on 30 minutes a day.

[JayKay]

I didn't read everyone's posts here, OP...but I'll try to recall what MY feelings were when I ended a long-term relationship a while back.

 

By the way, I've been on both sides of the fence...and niether is fun.

 

 

I dated a fabulous guy for a couple of years. It was long distance so we wrote and called very regularly and he travelled up to NY to see me as often as he could. I also travelled down south to his state as often as my school/work schedule would allow.

 

I knew he was falling for me hard. I tried to have the same feelings. He really had so many great qualities! He was funny,smart, educated, in good shape...etc etc. Unfortunately, I never could quite get past the feeling that he was like a brother more than a boyfriend. My feelings for him were genuinly warm and affectionate. I cared about him. But kissing him and making love always felt a little...off. I couldn't put my finger on it.

 

Because we were long distance, I think it was easy to romanticize our relationship for a long time. When you don't have to deal with the reality of a human being most of the time, you can do that. I was also a great deal younger at the time.

 

Finally he told me it was time to take our relationship to the 'next level'. He would either move up to my state or I'd move to his state. It led to a long argument. I did NOT want to move to his state. He really was reluctant to move to my state because he was already out of school and into a career. Housing prices were also cheaper where he lived. It technically made more sense for me to move, but I made a huge stink about it.

 

I think that's when I realized I really was not 'in love'

 

He agreed to move to NY. I told him, "No...we need to talk"

 

And I got it all off my chest. I loved him...but felt too young to settle down. IF we moved in together I knew I'd feel trapped. I wasn't sure he was the right one. I couldn't figure out why my feelings hadn't grown more, but they just hadn't.

 

He was terribly hurt.

 

I felt horribly guilty and wondered what was wrong with me for not falling in love with him.

 

We stayed friends I think because he wanted things to revert back to the way they were and I wanted to feel less guilty.

 

Finally, I did start to grow a bit cold because he'd always say "I love you" and "I can see a future together" and as time went by I realized I really wanted to be free.

 

We had some long conversations about how it was better to be just friends.

Then he'd pull out the "I love you" line and it would piss me off.

 

It pissed me off because it made me feel guilty...like I'd led him on. Then I'd reason, "I have no reason to feel guilty! We just said we're better as friends!" So I'd get even more pissed.

 

I stopped taking his calls for a while. If he did catch me on the phone, I'd be abrupt.

 

To get my point across, I started talking about other guys I was dating. I knew it hurt him, but I felt like I HAD to be clear that I was no longer interested in any romance.

 

 

 

 

There was one point where we stopped speaking for about 4 years. We did re-connect later and I can say that nowadays, we truly ARE friends. But it takes honesty and maturity sometimes to reach that level.

 

I hope this has helped somewhat

[magda]

I've not ended terribly long relationships, but I've ended my share. No time was it ever a case of finding someone else. It was always that I would be better off alone. For me there's a process where I disconnect, and then after I finally break it off, I am already a million miles away, mentally.

 

I think that in most cases I found out that I rushed into the relationship. This has always been my weakness. I looked to relationships as a kind of escape, then was disappointed, and ultimately cut them off. It was not always a quick process, but I was very "f*** it all" in arguments, looking back. When ever I would argue I would think, "well this is it, I'm not putting up with this" and start to mentally (or physically) pack my bags. But then I'd either be talked out of it or change my mind later on and go back.. only to have the cycle repeat itself until I finally had no connection to the person whatsoever. I think I would actually pick fights. I would know in my heart that it was not going to last, but I would keep trying, keep being sweet. I didn't want to hurt the guy so I kept trying to make it work, for his sake more than mine, until I resented him.

 

I remember once I was leaving a guys house after a weekend and he was going to drop me off at home. I took with me a box that I always left there. On the way home, we got in a fight that was very final. He called me later, very surprised that I had already taken that box. I guess I had kind of planned it in a way, or I had let the fight happen because I already had emotionally checked out.

 

I still remained "friends" with all the men I broke up with and cared about them. Not great friends or anything, but none of them apparently hate me.

[UT_longhorn]

jaykay...

 

i dont know what it was about your post but it helped alot. it did also hurt a bit. i feel that your sentiments are exactly what my ex is thinking.

 

its good to know that even though you were no longer in love with him that you still had a warm place for him in your heart and that you were compassionate about his hurt.

 

my ex is still young and i think she felt the same way you did. things were getting too serious for her.

 

thanks for writing that. i feel sometimes she is such a cold person for doing this to me, but it just was not meant to be. it would be unfair to both of us to keep the relationship going.

[Shattered Heart]

And it is a tough issue, especially nowadays, were a lot of people depend on two incomes, and at least two full-time jobs to sustain themselves. And the more time you spend on acquiring money, driving to and fro places, sleeping et cetera, the less time you have to spend together, as a couple.

 

All these factors mean that there is less time for: Going out to dinner. Watch TV (if there are good programs), discuss interests. Et cetera. Things do not improve when the schedules for work do not match, when people do not pursue the same interests. You can't build a relationship on 30 minutes a day.[ /QUOTE]

 

Yes, but some of the happiest and longest lasting relationships are those where both people in the relationship hold down full-time careers and rarely often see each other, sometimes less than 30 minutes a day, depending on their schedules. So, I guess the little precious time they do have with one another is so special that it is spent very wisely. It's almost as if less is more, and is beneficial to the long-term success of a relationship, since spending a lot of time together can be interpreted by either party as smothering or suffocating. So, a line has to be drawn between too little and too much...but where???

 

And JayKay, your situation sounds very similar to mine, with my ex leaving me for this guy she's been close friends with for about 12 years. However, unlike you, she's actually making the move from NY to CA to be with him. But for the last few months, their relationship has been from across the country, so it's been easy for them to romanticize their relationship, since they couldn't see or be with each other. I just hope and pray that she ends up having the same feelings as you had, with you never getting past the feeling like he was more of a brother than a boyfriend, and that something always felt a little "off". Let me ask you, in your two years together, were you ever "in love" with him? And I'm sure your cold feelings towards him really had nothing to do with HIM at all, but were your own personal demons you were battling, right?

 

My ex also says she wants to be friends with me, and I know she is probably stricken with guilt, and "being friends" is her way of feeling less guilty. And she's also been very cold, hostile, and resentful towards me, which probably has nothing to do with me at all. It's probably just reflections of her own guilt for hurting me. Well, all I know is that she hurt me BAD, and if I want to somewhat get back at her, I guess I have to be the stronger person by cutting off all ties with her, since by doing so will hopefully give her no satisfaction because she then won't have an opportunity to work off her guilt by being my friend. Am I onto something here?

 

I still remained "friends" with all the men I broke up with and cared about them. Not great friends or anything, but none of them apparently hate me.[ /QUOTE]

 

Did you ever think that maybe the reason you were able to remain friends with all of the guys you broke up with is because your relationships were fairly short-lived, and time probably didn't allow either you or them to really get too emotionally involved? It seems the less emotionally attached you are to the other person, the easier it is to remain friends. Likewise, if you're too emotionally attached, and subsequently dumped, being friends probably won't work.

[JayKay]

"....Let me ask you, in your two years together, were you ever "in love" with him? And I'm sure your cold feelings towards him really had nothing to do with HIM at all, but were your own personal demons you were battling, right?"

 

 

That's an interesting question.

 

During our two years together, I really came to like and care about this guy a lot. He was, in essence, my best friend during that time period. I didn't even have a girl friend who was as good a friend.

We shared the same sense of humour and he could make me laugh 'til I almost peed my pants!

I felt comfortable and 'safe' around him; like I could just be who I was and not worry about it.

 

Ufortunately, at age 23 I didn't realize that successful, long-term relationships are often based precisely on this type of connection.

 

I was searching for butterflies, off-the-wall sexual chemistry and heart-thumping excitement.

 

I didn't have that with this guy. It was much more calm and low-key.

 

If I'd met him age, oh....33-35 or so...I would probably have been much wiser.

 

But I needed time to learn the differences between real love and infatuation at age 23.

 

So yes, you're right in saying I was still battling my own inner demons....and still learning how to seperate fantasy from fiction. I was also simply in the process of growing up. He was years ahead of me in the maturity department.

[Shattered Heart]

Actually, when I was referring to your own personal demons, I wasn't talking about what you were already mentally dealing with in your life. I was talking about the demons you might have been faced with as a result of breaking up with and hurting this guy.

 

And you say that you were searching for butterflies, off-the-wall sexual chemistry and heart-thumping excitement. That's not really something you search for. It just happens. And if it didn't happen to you, then it probably wasn't there in the first place. And, just in case you didn't know, infatuation is only a stage in a relationship and doesn't last forever. It is the first stage which lasts for only about six to nine months, at which point a deeper bond must exist in order for the relationship to survive and thrive. I read a very interesting article on the 'psychology today' website. It talks about the three stages of a relationship and the brain chemicals involved in each stage. Actually, all of the articles in the relationship section are very interesting and insightful. You might want to check it out. The one particular article that talks about the stages of a relationship can be found at http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040921-000001.html

[LucreziaBorgia]

What I do want to know is the mental and emotional processes associated with a person who's doing the breaking up. In other words, when you break up with someone, what mental and emotional changes take place in you, starting from the initial breaking of the bad news to the other person, all the way through to the point where you either become "just friends" with them, totally lose touch with them altogether, or eventually get back together with them?

 

Here is a copy of old post where I answered something similar about how the 'dumper' feels and why, and how it happens:

 

Falling out of love is excruciating. Its bad to have a broken heart - and far worse to break one. The process is long, drawn out, frustrating and painful. Here's how it can happen from the dumper's point of view based on your questions:

 

(this is a dramatization - bits and pieces from my own past experiences with an ex from college - main points in bold)

 

1. I'm in a relationship, and have been for a while now. My partner is happy. My family and friends are happy. Everyone assumes we will be together forever. Except me.

 

2. Something is missing - I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason I find myself not as happy as I was when we were first together. Small things are beginning to irritate me that didn't before.

 

3. Every day, it slips more. I'm beginning to find myself wishing I had time to myself. I'm keeping a happy face though. I keep telling him that I love him, hoping that I can believe in that again but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to end this - but every day that goes by, the little things are adding up. Irritations. Quirks that once were cute to me set my teeth on edge. The sex is beginning to suffer. I shut my eyes and wait for it to be over. I feel so guilty doing this.

 

4. He's on to me. I think he knows, because he has been asking a lot 'what's wrong' or 'is there someone else?'. I'm more quiet now. I still tell him that I love him but only if he insists on asking or knowing. I don't feel it though. Its such a horrible feeling to look into his face and say "I love you" when I feel like I don't anymore. I feel like I have to say it now. The guilt is overwhelming. What would my friends think? My family? What will he do if I leave him? Why does he have to be so happy with me, when I'm not happy with him?

 

5. I can't take this any more. Its been four months now since I started feeling this way. Every day is another step downhill for me. I have to get away to think this over. This is so ****ing difficult, but I tell him that I need some time and space to think things over. Once I am on my own and I think about it, I realize fully that I am not happy with him any more. I want things to be the way they were when we were first together, but I know him better now - I realize I fell in love with what I had hoped our relationship would be. The man I fell in love with doesn't even exist. Now that I've gotten to know him really well, I realize that this relationship with him isn't what I need. I can never be happy with him.

 

6. I tell him that we can try again, because I feel so bad about hurting him. I hope that I can just get back some of that feeling that I had - maybe if I try really hard, I can love him again.

 

7. Two weeks later, and I'm right back where I was. Probably worse. The 'getting back together' was a terrible idea. He was so desperate to keep us together. The sex was needy, desperate. Too much. Too much. It was like a huge brick tied to my ankles, dragging me down further. I just can't fake this anymore. I told him that we should be friends. I realize I only said it to try to keep from hurting him further. He insists on spending time with me. I miss him, I like him, and I have fun sometimes when we are together, but I just can't be around him anymore - because I know that he isn't really interested in being friends - he wants us to be back together and I can't handle that.

 

8. I have to break this off. I can't be nice about it anymore. I am cold to him. I turn my back on him, hoping that he will just get on with his life and try to forget me. The more he tries, the angrier I get. I'm finally out of this - why does he insist on trying to drag me back? Why didn't I tell him from the beginning how I was feeling? Now I'm in a trap. He is holding me responsible for his happiness, and I resent the hell out of that.

 

9. I finally told him point blank to get out of my life. I hate it that I had to go that far. I feel so guilty, and so sad for what we had - but I just can't make myself love him when I don't. He asked me how I could be so cold after all the beauty and love we shared. I couldn't answer. I just turned away.

 

epilogue

Eight months have gone by. I have talked to him a few times, but it always ends the same way. He gets sad, and I feel guilty - which makes me sad and angry. I keep telling him that we can't be together again - but how can I look him in the face and tell him the truth: that there was nothing wrong with him - I just fell out of love with him? How could he possibly understand that? He would have an easier time asking a corpse why it died. He keeps saying "what did I do to make you stop loving me" - and I try to tell him, but he insists on believing that it must have been him. He still thinks that if he changes or that if we get back together we'll find that love we had. I wish I had just told him all that time ago - that I was trying but my love for him was dying right there in my hands and there was nothing I could do about it. God... why didn't I just TELL HIM WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING?

 

I'm going to be carrying around this guilt for a while. And this anger. I could have saved him a lot of hurt by just telling him how I was feeling, but I kept fooling myself - putting off the inevitable. I feel horrible. Every time I think about him, I think about how he did nothing more than love me - but I just couldn't love him back anymore.

 

------------------------------------------------

 

Basically, the heart of the 'dumper' is like a jug of water with a pinhole leak in it. The love leaks away so slowly that they don't notice until it is too late. What causes the leak? I think it is the death of desire and infatuation. A mix of brain chemistry gone stale, and metal processes gone slack in terms of the relationship. Falling out of love is as difficult to explain as it is to explain why one falls into love. It is ultimately more painful though. Love is happiness, joy, desire ... Falling out of love is sadness, guilt, apathy...

 

A person can't be blamed for falling out of love, but at the very least it would be good if they would simply communicate it rather than hide it, but then again - no one wants to be the one breaking someone else's heart like that, particularly when the person they are doing it to is loving them so trustingly and unsuspectingly.

[riobikini]

LucreziaBorgia.

 

Superb Post!!!

 

-Rio

[Shattered Heart]

Great post, LucreziaBorgia. How long were you together with your ex before you broke it off with him? And how was he as a boyfriend? Was he nothing more than a great boyfriend who treated you like a queen and loved you unconditionally? I would ask what made you fall out of love with him but, unless it was something specific, or there were compatibility issues, you yourself probably don't even know. It makes you wonder though. If he was a perfect boyfriend in terms of the way he treated you, and you fell out of love with him, then what exactly are you looking for in your soul mate? What things, if any, would the guy have to do, or what way would the guy have to be to prevent you from falling out of love with him? If you can't answer that, it's got to be extremely scary to think that you may never find the right one for you. Just what are we all looking for in the other person? I thought I had found my soul mate, and I never stopped loving her, but she ended up falling for her close friend of 12 years. Just when I thought I had my whole future mapped out with this person, she ends up pulling something like this. I don't know. I am so discouraged. And I hope she's totally overwhelmed with all the guilt in the world for breaking up with someone as wonderful as I always was to her, even though nothing can quite compare to the hurt and pain that I've had to endure since the breakup. We will never be even. I already know that. "Accepting" it is another story.

[j.carsey]

You won't get any responses from dumpers here, because they aren't on LS or other places on the internet trying to gain comfort. They move on with their lives and forget all about the person they inflicted pain upon.

 

You're wrong. I am the dumper, and I am here because I do feel bad. I didn't move on right away, I did not forget about my ex, and it has hurt me too.

 

From these kind of posts I can see that some of you ladies think that cold hearted guys are walking around dumping women left right and center and toying with their emotions. Muahahaha hurray I've ruined another woman's life, time to celebrate! Boy I sure hope she is in pain, that's exactly what I planned!! - - - You really think it's like that? Do you seriously think that's how it is for a guy who dumps a girl?

 

Because that's what some girls have accused me of, so I know they don't understand relationships as much as they think. Here's what gives it away:

 

gaining a better understanding of the pieces involved from the people who CAUSE the pain

 

Both people in a relationship that's broken up feel pain. Sometimes one person feels more pain than the other, but usually both people feel pain. There is not a giver of pain, and a receiver of pain. if there ever was mutual love in the relationship, BOTH feel pain.

 

You think there's no pain on the other side because you don't see tears or big dramatic behavior? That pain isn't for you to see so you won't see it.

 

I'm not trying to be rude, but I think it's selfish to think of yourself as the only one in pain. The way you put it, writing that there is someone who "causes the pain" shows to me that you are thinking of yourself as the victim, of a malicious pain giver. Unless he was abusive, or totally uncaring while dating you this is not the case at all.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. How long were you together with your ex before you broke it off with him? 2. And how was he as a boyfriend?

3. Was he nothing more than a great boyfriend who treated you like a queen and loved you unconditionally?

4. I would ask what made you fall out of love with him but, unless it was something specific, or there were compatibility issues, you yourself probably don't even know.

5. It makes you wonder though. If he was a perfect boyfriend in terms of the way he treated you, and you fell out of love with him, then what exactly are you looking for in your soul mate?

6. What things, if any, would the guy have to do, or what way would the guy have to be to prevent you from falling out of love with him?

7. If you can't answer that, it's got to be extremely scary to think that you may never find the right one for you.

8. Just what are we all looking for in the other person?

9. I thought I had found my soul mate, and I never stopped loving her, but she ended up falling for her close friend of 12 years.

10. I hope she's totally overwhelmed with all the guilt in the world for breaking up with someone as wonderful as I always was to her, even though nothing can quite compare to the hurt and pain that I've had to endure since the breakup.

 

1. I was with him for four years, but that particular story I wrote was a mix of a couple of different people, including even myself on the dumped end of things.

 

2. The guy I was with for four years eventually started taking the relationship for granted. It became one of those 'given' type relationships that coasted on inertia. I guess I didn't want to become just another piece of relationship furniture in that guy's life.

 

3. That phase ended after about six months. Then it became a 'we are together so there's no more need for that stuff' sort of thing. I'm not saying that it had to be all romance and roses all the time, but it became so functional and mundane - there was no middle ground there. Had it been all one way or the other, it would have failed equally. Treating someone really well all the time - 'like a queen' can result in that behavior being taking for granted as well. When you are at the top of your game all the time, then what further goals are there to reach? How do you develop when you are functioning at the highest already? There has to be middle ground. Without it, there can be no growth, and the relationship will stagnate even when it is a case of putting someone on a pedistal and giving them the world all the time.

 

4. There was nothing specific really - it happened so slowly that I didn't realize it until it was too late.

 

5. Soul mate? I used to believe in stuff like that - but I don't think any one person can be 100% soul mate. It sets you up for disappointment when the infatuation/lust/newness fades and you realize that the idealized soul mate has been replaced with a real flesh and blood person who falls a bit short of idealized expectations. I no longer look for idealized expectations - I look for the person behind that. Don't get me wrong, I like that 'soul mate' stage of the game but I have learned not to base a relationship on it.

 

6. The only way to answer that is to pose the opposite. What can you do to make someone fall in love with you? You can't. Just like falling out of love - how do you prevent someone from falling out of love? You can't. Its an internal process on the part of the 'dumper'. It can be delayed, if you can find the idealized self you were for that person and try to be that idealized person again, but that only works to delay - sometimes for months, sometimes for years. Sometimes even the idealized person you were no longer appeals to the 'dumper' and that is the death knell when that happens. That's the point where you start hearing 'I need space' or 'I need time on my own' - stuff like that. The point of no return.

 

7. I look for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right. I've disappointed myself far too many times doing that. I have found someone and I'm happy - and I make sure that I do not pin any false hopes or expectations on the relationship. It takes the pressure off and keeps me from taking it for granted. 'Mr. Right Now' is my Mr. Right - it is mainly just a mental adjustment of labels.

 

8. I think all of us find the idealized versions of our partners when we first meet and what we look for is ways to preserve that idealized version as we reconcile reality with fantasy in terms of who the person really is outside of the context of the relationship.

 

9. Ouch! I'm sorry to hear that. Having been on that end as well, I can empathise.

 

10. The guilt is there, I'm sure - but understand that new infatuations can overshadow that. In my case there wasn't a someone else, so the guilt took front and center. With her, the guilt might be hiding underneath this new set of emotions she has going on. As long as she maintains it she might not realize that guilt or even acknowlege it - but I can tell you that on some level its there. No one likes to break another person's heart.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

j.carsey,

I think what has me most upset (and rightfully bitter IMHO) is that when he first pulled his houdini act (probably in an attempt to break up with me) I left him alone, figuring he'd dumped me and I tried to move on. But what did he do? He came back two weeks later BEGGING me to take him back. Apologizing for being such an a**h***, and for hurting me. He said that he would never hurt like that again. So what does he do less than two months later? He dumps me. It's the game playing that has me most upset and hurt.

[JayKay]

Shattered Heart

 

I appreciate the link to the article. I've actually read that before.

 

Yes, at age 39 I've learned a few things.

[RainyDayWoman]

i have always been the dumper. i've probably talked about this before, but i have found there is a process... you get to a point in which you know that you don't want to be with the person you're with (for whatever reason). you consider the solution, probably obsess over, and in the meantime, you fake it to spare his feelings. then at some point, you realize you just have to get out of it, you can't do it anymore, and your feelings finally take precedence over his.

 

at least, that's how it's been for me.

[soar eyes]

JayKay,

Thank you for opening up this perspective for me. I really never thought of how my exbf was feeling when he broke up with me. Your reply has really helped for me to see that.

 

We had some long conversations about how it was better to be just friends.

Then he'd pull out the "I love you" line and it would piss me off.

 

About 2 months ago was when I stopped asking him to tell me he loved me. I could tell it was so tensed. But I had to know and I knew it would keep the torch for him burning if I just had some hope. This was just not healthy for me. I felt sick for asking him, then it would send me through a cycle of hopefull events which would always be initiated by me and be rejected by him. I realized this was too unhealthy and stopped doing this

 

I stopped taking his calls for a while. If he did catch me on the phone, I'd be abrupt.

 

In the beginning of the breakup this is exactly what he would do, hang up and tell me he would call back. He never would, I felt like my heart was sinking and I couldn't catch it. Another rejection from him. It got to be too much for me to handle.

 

To get my point across, I started talking about other guys I was dating. I knew it hurt him, but I felt like I HAD to be clear that I was no longer interested in any romance.

 

I wish he would talk about other women he was dating but he is such a "private" person. I even asked him to talk about them and that I needed it for closure, but he got uneasy and said no he isn't with anyone. I find this hard to believe after 3 years of breaking up.

 

I feel like I am at the point where I can see the end of closure for me, but he wants to be friends. This is so hard for me because of our daughter. I want to just cut him off from my thinking. I started taking music lessons. Hopefully it will preoccupy my thinking .

 

 

I hope this has helped somewhat

[Shattered Heart]

That phase ended after about six months. Then it became a 'we are together so there's no more need for that stuff' sort of thing. I'm not saying that it had to be all romance and roses all the time, but it became so functional and mundane - there was no middle ground there. Had it been all one way or the other, it would have failed equally. Treating someone really well all the time - 'like a queen' can result in that behavior being taking for granted as well. When you are at the top of your game all the time, then what further goals are there to reach? How do you develop when you are functioning at the highest already? There has to be middle ground. Without it, there can be no growth, and the relationship will stagnate even when it is a case of putting someone on a pedistal and giving them the world all the time.

 

What suggestions could you offer to others to attain and maintain a 'middle ground'?

 

And as for idealized expectations, you shouldn't go into any relationship expecting the ideal person. There are no ideal people. Everyone has their flaws and imperfections. It's really a question of true love...if each half of the couple can "accept" each other for who they are, then true love will conquer all. If you "expect", then, like you said, you will always go into the relationship will a certain level of skepticisim and doubt, and that attitude will probably come across to the other person as a sign of weakness, or will put undue pressure on the other person to "perform" and meet your expectations. Yes, there are things I secretly wished my ex would have done for me, and I'm sure she sensed that, since she accused me of trying to change her. But not once did I make it known to her that I wanted her to change for me. They were small things, but nevertheless, I loved her anyway, regardless of whether she changed certain things or not.

 

and I make sure that I do not pin any false hopes or expectations on the relationship. It takes the pressure off and keeps me from taking it for granted.

 

Yeah, well, that's all my ex ever did to me...offer me false hope and expectations by always telling me she was going to marry me. We had several discussions on our eventual wedding and plans for our future. We even had names picked out for our kids. Talk about false hope. I'm sure the breakup would've been bad regardless, but it's all the more detrimental to me because of all the false hope involved, since our future together was all layed out. Such a heartbreak, you have no idea.

 

Ouch! I'm sorry to hear that. Having been on that end as well, I can empathise.

 

Yeah, tell me about it! Actually, if you want a more detailed synopsis of what I'm going through, you can read the thread I posted titled 'Just when you thought you knew your partner and that your relationship was airtight'.

 

The guilt is there, I'm sure - but understand that new infatuations can overshadow that. In my case there wasn't a someone else, so the guilt took front and center. With her, the guilt might be hiding underneath this new set of emotions she has going on. As long as she maintains it she might not realize that guilt or even acknowlege it - but I can tell you that on some level its there. No one likes to break another person's heart.

 

You're absolutely correct on that one. It's a fact that infatuation is such a powerful force. In fact, it is so powerful that it actually overshadows and supersedes any feelings of guilt and pain associated with breaking up with someone. Which probably explains why my ex has a history of jumping right into the next relationship after she ends one. She doesn't want to deal with the negative emotions associated with breaking someone's heart. Infatuation is a much much more desirable feeling. But, then again, that feeling is short-lived, and she must eventually face the guilt of breaking up with me once her levels of dopamine and norepinepherine associated with infatuation subside. Either that, or she'll dump this guy for a new guy once she's no longer infatuated with him. All I know is that she can't suppress her negative emotions forever. Eventually, they'll resurface and the 'fight or flight' mechanism will kick in. So far, in her life, 'flight' has taken precedence over 'fight'. But how long can she keep doing this?