loony Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 i don't understand where you are coming from. she was upfront with him and quite clear that it was over. she's free to do what she wants without him knowing anything, as far as i can see. I prefer a breakup to be honest and if she tells him she doesn't want a relationship then I do not understand why she puts up ad on an online dating site. If she wasn't able to explain that I block her emails, put her on my messenger ignore list and would not talk to her again for a couple of hundred years.
Author kjo314 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Guys I am really hurting after this e-mail..... This kind of feeling usually doesn't last this long.... this one for some reason hurts really really really bad... maybe it is because of the bad news in her life... i don't know... the whole e-mail was a negative e-mail about her life........ I don't know what to do... She wants me to be her friend but how can i do that when I still love her.
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I prefer a breakup to be honest and if she tells him she doesn't want a relationship then I do not understand why she puts up ad on an online dating site. If she wasn't able to explain that I block her emails, put her on my messenger ignore list and would not talk to her again for a couple of hundred years. wait something is missing here--she broke up with kjo so that she COULD be free. then when he emailed her that was fine, she emailed him a friendly email, then put up a dating ad. the romantic relationship was over, but she wanted to remain friends, and kjo has said several times that he would rather remain a friend than lose her completely. that is the only reason we are still here talking about her because kjo wants to handle this in a way that doesn't lose her friendship and leaves the door open to get her back, if possible. she's been honest--so why shouldn't she put up a dating ad?
loony Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 wait something is missing here--she broke up with kjo so that she COULD be free. then when he emailed her that was fine, she emailed him a friendly email, then put up a dating ad. the romantic relationship was over, but she wanted to remain friends, and kjo has said several times that he would rather remain a friend than lose her completely. that is the only reason we are still here talking about her because kjo wants to handle this in a way that doesn't lose her friendship and leaves the door open to get her back, if possible. she's been honest--so why shouldn't she put up a dating ad? I understood it that she wanted a break from relationships in general.
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Guys I am really hurting after this e-mail..... This kind of feeling usually doesn't last this long.... this one for some reason hurts really really really bad... maybe it is because of the bad news in her life... i don't know... the whole e-mail was a negative e-mail about her life........ I don't know what to do... She wants me to be her friend but how can i do that when I still love her. i think what she wants is to lean on you without being romantically involved with you. it's kind of using you. it's up to you, but i wouldn't do it, which is why i suggested sending one of those emails i sketched up.
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I understood it that she wanted a break from relationships in general. oh okay now i get ya. but putting an ad up to date casually does not a relationship make, at least for me. if she had a new boyfriend waiting on the sidelines when she broke up with kjo, then i'd think she wasn't honest either. i actually thought the dating ad showed a desire for casualness and newness and variety, so i thought it was good. i've done that before, when i didn't want to get involved with one person in particular, to play the field. btw--are you male, female, or some combination thereof? if you don't mind my asking, because i am confused as hell by your avatar lol
loony Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 oh okay now i get ya. but putting an ad up to date casually does not a relationship make, at least for me. if she had a new boyfriend waiting on the sidelines when she broke up with kjo, then i'd think she wasn't honest either. i actually thought the dating ad showed a desire for casualness and newness and variety, so i thought it was good. Well, I would expect an explanation. Going on a casual date, because someone asked you wouldn't be that great already, but actively looking for someone you can date demans an explanation. What is dating for if not looking for a relationship? I'm female. My avatar is the actor who plays Tony Almeida from "24". He is my new boyfriend. I just have to tell him some time.
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Well, I would expect an explanation. Going on a casual date, because someone asked you wouldn't be that great already, but actively looking for someone you can date demans an explanation. What is dating for if not looking for a relationship? I'm female. My avatar is the actor who plays Tony Almeida from "24". He is my new boyfriend. I just have to tell him some time. whew thought i was losing it, you had me double-checking your posts...let me know if your technique works, i'll have to try it lol all i can say is that for a long time after my separation/divorce, i was actively wanting to date many men but consciously avoiding a relationship. online dating is ideal for this. drive-by dating i call it. i knew i just wanted to date around and because i had just gotten out of a relationship, definitely did not want to get right back in. i thought i NEEDED to date several people, to know what else was out there before getting involved again. now it's been two years, and because i'm not settled in terms of where i'll be living for the foreseeable future, i am doing the same thing--wanting to date lots of people, but NOT wanting a relationship. and yep, i'm putting an online ad up, just to meet alot of men and see what's around.
Author kjo314 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 please give me some advice as what to do here...i don't want to lose her but I also don't want to lose her friendship.... I don't know what to do
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 I already did. and you haven't answered my question so i can't do anymore until i have more information.
Author kjo314 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 No mutual friend told me because she wanted to brace me fro a shock if it were to happen. This mutual friend is more of a friend to me than to my ex. She will not tell my ex....... I really feel like crap... I feel like all this is my fault. I am so sorry you guys.
cygny Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 hey--I don't understand. WHAT is all your fault? what do you think is the problem here, because i don't see one (unless you're not telling me something) except that your ex thinks you are moaning and pining over her and that can be corrected with a few words. pull yourself up kjo, this doesn't even sound bad to me, it's entirely predictable. otoh if you're not telling me something, then i'm in the dark. speak to me. send me an email if you don't want to post it. otherwise i'm just gonna stay out of this because i'm not getting ya.
cygny Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 i read her email that you posted again and it sounds like she's afraid she's hurt you. where did she get that idea? because the emails we wrote were brief and lighthearted. did your mutual friend say anything? was there anything else in your emails to her? kjo i think this is a case where you need to step up to the plate and tease her a little,, so she doesn't think you're a wuss. maybe the way i put it isn't quite right yet but on the other hand this is your email and it's got to sound like you wrote it. so it needs to be your humor in it. have you EVER teased her about anything? if not, this is where it gets good because it's your opportunity for personal growth. this is something you need to learn if you want to keep a girl around. lighthearted, friendly teasing. make something good out of this breakup, a new skill for you. you need to sound confident and secure and happy and going right on with your life. i suggest you work on a 2-line email that teases her for thinking you don't have anything better to do than 'share' with her. do NOT suck up to her or apologize or try to please her. yes you can sympathize with her for her problems, but briefly. or you will be her 'doormat/shoulder to lean on' instead of her boyfriend.
Author kjo314 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 can you give me some examples of this?? I won't use them.. I promise I will come up with my own.
Author kjo314 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 what do you mean make somehting good out of this realtionship??
jerbear Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 First the mutual friend thing is a good thing but becareful of what is said and done. It has burned me before, sometimes you may be caught off guard and actually say something you may regreat! In regards to saving the friendship while you have loving feelings; I've been down that road, now we're friendly but not to close. Even today I would not converse with her or have lunch/dinner or attend their parties. If she did contact me for assistance, it better be good. I chased her and she used me. Before salvaging the friendship, understand yourself and see if you can really be friends. If you're goal is to get her back, her current feelings and personal ad would not be beneficial to you. Do you really want to be a hollaback boy? The personal ad, not wanting a romantic relationship with you, being friend's especially right now is not good for both parties. The tumor issue is urgh and very hard, but a short reply will do; that if she needs a person to talk to, you might be there. The conversations should be causual and yes flirty; but not needy or clingy.
Author kjo314 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Posted January 30, 2006 how do you flirt... i mean like say you take a girl out for the first time even.. .what is classified as flirting..
jerbear Posted January 30, 2006 Posted January 30, 2006 Sometimes it just requires quick smart alick responses. The responses or comments should not be negative or derogatory. It is ok to poke fun of one's situation or problems but don't be bad. At a bar, I once had a girl comment about my mixed drink which ended up being pink under the lights with the colored alcohol. Its not supposed to come out pink of all colors. We'll a girl commented said it is an interesting color for a guy. I said to her I asked the bartender for a sweet mixed drink that she created; and I'm not that type of guy. I then offered her a sip and when she liked like, I ordered one for her. We chatted for most of the night, got a few drinks and exchanged numbers. A woman once wouldn't join me in bed and said she would kick my ass if I snored. A smart response I gave her was, "I'll love to see that especially, when my ass is on the bed." She did join me in bed later on. Did get a lunch date out of this one, fellow classmate which might help also. It was about a class she is taking and I made a comment about it being easier than when I took it, she said that served me right for being smart by taking the class earlier when it was harder. I quirked back saying well if you need help, we can do it over lunch, she said she had a working meeting. I replied back, "Got shot down twice! How humiliating." she loved the reply. I got a lunch date to learn more about her and that she is "busy with school". One thing I did to test the waters was I asked an older woman about why she did what she did. After a few conversations, I asked her to dinner, I said I would pay plus I hate to eat alone. She agreed, during the dinner conversation we talked and once in awhile it lead to smiles and hands touching. Touching hands and laughing is a flirty move... When both are laughing, casually move your hand over hers and say it was funny. A girl once said she'll make my life miserable and I replied; "by marrying me and giving me kids?" we ended up being friends afterwards. Only if you know the person well... if their butt is in your face, you might want to say to change the channel from Butt TV to something else. Some samples that I've used and so far no slaps...
Author kjo314 Posted January 31, 2006 Author Posted January 31, 2006 aight i get what you are saying.... cygny you there?? i want your advice too..
cygny Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 jerbear has the right idea--some smart aleck responses always make you look more in control of yourself, and therefore of the situation. and instead of eliciting this awkward response from the ex, to make her laugh and respect you because you aren't hurt or holding a grudge. it completely changes the dynamic of the relationship. work on getting the tone right, so there is no bitterness or hurt coming through--but some self-assertion and lightheartedness for sure. i remember telling an old friend about my divorce. he was good friends with both me and my ex and i thought he might go all cold and awkward on me. instead, in a very light and carefree and almost happy voice, he said, "oh, well." and that was the end of my tortured and anguished confession/explanation. i felt so relieved. (i have been in love with him since, lol.) that is the same thing you should be attempting here. shrugging off this 'relationship' but also to add a bit of smirk and smartass, just to make her laugh a bit. i've often thought that that is the perfect response when you get dumped... "oh, well." lol
jerbear Posted January 31, 2006 Posted January 31, 2006 i've often thought that that is the perfect response when you get dumped... "oh, well." lol Here is a flirt: (I'm using this as a test) I'm scared of the angry cat avatar, I hope she is declawed. Oh, well, guess I better like claws. I like "oh well."
Author kjo314 Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 SHe IM'ed me on AOL.... Told me about her life right now..... WHAT SHOULD I DO??? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
jerbear Posted February 5, 2006 Posted February 5, 2006 SHe IM'ed me on AOL.... Told me about her life right now..... WHAT SHOULD I DO??? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? What is in her IM, if you are willing to share of course? I think she is trying to re-connect as a friend mainly because she can put you on a back burner. Or she just mistyped it into the wrong IM. Without the contents, I could misconstrue the issue. I don't think you are ready to respond. I personally do not like the idea of sharing information with an recent ex because I personally don't want to know that she is doing x or completing y and such. She could also trying to stroke her ego and make you jealous. It just makes it harder on you. Since you pretty much are on the road to recovery with other dates and moving on, I still suggest being courteous and tell her to stop; Offer her a just be quiet distant friends and maintain NC. (ie block her IMs) Cygny: what are your views?
Author kjo314 Posted February 5, 2006 Author Posted February 5, 2006 she said she imed me because she wanted tosee what is up... she also wanted me opinion on something.... she is having a hard time counseling people and wanted my opinion on how to counsel someone? I don't know..i think that she doesn't belong in this profession... she can never think outside the box
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