Author kjo314 Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 Guys/Gals... I don't knwo why but I feel like I did at the beginning of this break up and I have the past few days..... How do Iget out of this funk.......WHy am I feeling this way... I feel like an a**h*** too for some reason.
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 kjo look, you are doing fine. you're not playing games. she's the one that broke up with you and didn't want a relationship, remember? she was very very clear about that. she's not playing games with you right now. if you want to know the truth, here's what she felt. she felt a little guilty, and thought about you some, but is mostly RELIEVED that you haven't kept clinging on. she was very very clear. you've respected her space, and she's glad about that. please do not send that email. if you absolutely cannot restrain yourself from replying, then i suggest you send a very light and breezy email something like this-- "hi there got your email, glad to hear you're semester is going well, loved the dog story. kjo"
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 oh yeah and you can add a line something like "and i'm doing great too, been real busy". ideally you could inject a little flirty humor in there but somehow i don't think you have it in you right now. if you come on to her about calling her or her calling you or anything deep, i guarantee that she will back off very fast--check out ut longhorn's threads or caliguy's experience--give yourself a reality check. she's not feeling it for you now. you have to show her someone new. if you persist it will come back in your face. it's like force-feeding someone when they're full, they upchuck it.
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 Guys/Gals... I don't knwo why but I feel like I did at the beginning of this break up and I have the past few days..... How do Iget out of this funk.......WHy am I feeling this way... I feel like an a**h*** too for some reason. you feel like an a**h*** because you are used to being at her beck and call. you are overly nice. she can't fall in love with that. please try to lift your spirits up. work on your flirtatiousness, on being funny and lighter. that's what this email really needs to be. maybe even a little sarcastic. do you have that in you at all? it seems like you are mostly afraid of offending her. that comes off as weak and clingy. if you can find it in you to be a little sarcastic and funny, this email will come off as much much more attractive and maybe even a little exciting to her. not the dull predictable hi how are you hope you're well stuff. make her laugh if you want another chance with her, needle her a little. i don't know if you have it in you though, but that's what it needs to be. why don't you try to write one that is very brief, 2 lines max, and make it jokey. if you want me to look at it before you send it i will. trust me though, you have done everything right until now. don't lose your nerve or you'll be back to square one if not in the hole with her.
Author kjo314 Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 but how does not talking to her and not e-mailing her help me in any way... won't it jsut piss her off... and make her think that I don't want to be friends with her at all?
Author kjo314 Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 kay I sent the e-mail with exactly what you told me to put on it... 2 lines max... now what....
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 but how does not talking to her and not e-mailing her help me in any way... won't it jsut piss her off... and make her think that I don't want to be friends with her at all? because she needs space. and that's what she was asking for, remember? this isn't playing games, it's respecting her wishes and we're also throwing in some "relationship management". it's all about emotional space. remember when you thought that other girl you liked was clingy? you wanted to get away from her didn't you? same thing. in this case by not talking to her you give her a chance to miss you. how can she miss you if you respond to her whenever she clicks her fingers? she never gets a chance to wonder what you're doing, who you're with, what you're thinking, because you are always RIGHT THERE. so what if she thinks you don't want to be friends for a little while. she knew she took that risk when she broke up with you and frankly, she's not expecting you to be friends right away. kjo--you really need to step back and put yourself in her place for a minute because you're not getting this yet. pretend YOU don't want a relationship with her at all, she's gotten clingy and you're bored, you want to be free,-- now do you want her to reply immediately to a nice brushoff email? because that's what she gave you. the last email she sent you was a "pat on the head, be a good boy and sit in the corner--while i go out and date other people" email. sorry if that sounds harsh but that's what it was. it was not a "please call me and let's work this out because i love you and am thinking about you all the time" email. that's why i'm trying to tell you--you've got to give her something new. date others, be more exciting, don't be so nice. you got to shake her up a little. and not be so available. she's got to realize she might LOSE you- for GOOD. if you're right there, she knows she's got nothing to worry about. And anyway you should be focusing on dating other people and not worrying about her. I know its tough but she may never come back. You need to be prepared for that.
Author kjo314 Posted January 28, 2006 Author Posted January 28, 2006 she probably will never come back... i know that... How will she see something new if she isn't here or anywhere near me. How will she realize she might lose me... I don't know
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Posted January 28, 2006 that's why the email should have been upbeat and funny. the script i gave you was just basic-- because i didn't want you to blow it completely with the other one you wrote. but you could have used the opportunity to show her a new side. did you even try to write something else? why not? you were probably so desperate that she would think you were 'mean' that you took what i gave you and popped it into the email now, on a saturday night, so she thinks you don't even have a life. if so this was a wasted opportunity and you need to see that. but it was still better than the other thing. you need to stop trying to seek her approval and give her something to respond to instead. try to look at this differently, not from your pining, hurt perspective, but from the perspective of someone who has walked away from a relationship that seemed confining and stale, where your freedom brought you relief. what she wants is something new and interesting. so that's what you need to work on. 1
Author kjo314 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 OK.. update... So she called her friend... her friend called me.... She doesn't want to be in a realtionship right now because she doesn't know what she wants... She is too afraid to call me on the phone or talk to me on AIM even because she is afraid she will develop feelings for me again. I didn't contact her friend at all... she contacted me.... thisi s messed up
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 what did you put in your email. did you say ANYTHING other than what i suggested? did you say, call me, i would love to talk, or anything like that? did you say that you missed her? i can't help you if you don't tell me what happened exactly.
Author kjo314 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 No I didn't at all..... In fact she jsut e-mailed me.... I hope you continue to feel that you can share things with me, and even if you find someone else. It's ok to talk about anything with me. I know it probably might not feel that way sometimes, especially right now, but please know that I really think it's great when you come to me. WTF???
loony Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 She doesn't want to be in a realtionship right now because she doesn't know what she wants... In my opinion there's a difference when some guys asks you out and you agree to go on a date with him. It might not be great when you have told your boyfriend before that you don't want a relationship right now, but ok, maybe that was your way of saying that you would like to see other people because you're not sure about your relationship without wanting to hurt his feelings. But - excuse me - putting an add up on an online dating site to look for a date when she tells you she doesn't want to have a relationship??? And you are not even upset about it???? Hell, you're the prototype of doormat.
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 all right. she needs to know that you have a life. she's still thinking you're a hurt little boy. i think you should say something like, Come to you? hey, thanks, but to be honest it's not a need I have. Things have never been better for me, and i'm glad they are going well for you too. If you'd like to drop me a note sometime, feel free. kjo
Author kjo314 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Oh I was pissed..... trust me...
Author kjo314 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Ha.... things aren't going well for me.... Actually the rest of the e-mail was to explain to me that she is having financial problems and that she has a breast tumor... i will not send an e-mail to her like that.... it isn't cancerous but still a cause for concern.
loony Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 Ha.... things aren't going well for me.... Actually the rest of the e-mail was to explain to me that she is having financial problems and that she has a breast tumor... i will not send an e-mail to her like that.... it isn't cancerous but still a cause for concern. Oh! That changes a lot. I'm not sure then if she should be judged so harshly. A breast tumor I think is a really traumatic experience for a woman. You should have an honest talk with her about your situation. Ask her about the ad in the dating site, it is not acceptable, but given her situation you should be a bit more forebearing with her, nonetheless the doubts need to be cleared.
Author kjo314 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 i don't know... this is a big mess.... i meant to say things aren't going well fro her.... if i tell her about the dating ad she will wonder how I found otu about it.. I don't want to come off as a stalker... to be quite honest with you it might be a good thing.... I treated this girl like gold.......I took her in at the worst part of her life..... I don't know..... stuff like this frustrates me to no end.. I ish they made a handbook..lol
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 She'll never talk to you unless you let her know you are fine without her. Unless of course she needs you for other things, like money and emotional support for this tumor. do you want to make yourself available for that? i've had a tumor scare of my own and no its not great, but if she knows its not cancerous then you can relax. You could say- I'm sorry to hear about your problems, but I trust you'll be fine. I'm not sure what you're talking about in your email about me 'coming' to you, but honestly I feel no need. Things have never been better, actually. my best to you, kjo
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 why would you have a talk with her and mention the dating ad? she's made it clear (again) she doesn't want a relationship with you.
loony Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 she's made it clear (again) she doesn't want a relationship with you. He saw the ad and I think he has the right to know what is going on. And just because she doesn't want a relationship with him she should have the decency to tell him the truth.
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 He saw the ad and I think he has the right to know what is going on. And just because she doesn't want a relationship with him she should have the decency to tell him the truth. i don't understand where you are coming from. she was upfront with him and quite clear that it was over. she's free to do what she wants without him knowing anything, as far as i can see.
Author kjo314 Posted January 29, 2006 Author Posted January 29, 2006 Why is she doing this to me?? I feel like ****..
cygny Posted January 29, 2006 Posted January 29, 2006 kjo did your ex send this mutual friend to tell you this stuff? what else did the friend say? does the friend know that you are still hurting? will it get back to your ex? what did you tell the friend?
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