kjo314 Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Guys/Gals You have read my previous posts about her wanting to be alone and wanting to still be friends with me and she sent me an e-mail a week ago and I was upset and still am so I didn't reply to her.. Well come to find out she put up a dating ad today on the internet..... what does that mean... did I ruin my chance to possibly stay in her life or for a second chance because I didn't contact her or what??? What should I do... I am so confused again... I HATE THIS..... I HATE THIS...
s0meone_here Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 it happened to me too. Last time my ex put a profile in dating online while we are in NC ( becoz of argument and very serious problem but not yet broke up). Even before we officially broke up, we still together ,it just that we had problem, and i asked him sometimes to think abt it. When i saw it i called him and asked him what it means . He said sorry and he said , he did so because he didnt hear anything from me and he said he assumed that i didnt want him anymore.That time,i accepted his explanation. But 1 mth after that we broke up. If i knew, i would never accept him back afterall. so my comment is she did so because she assumed u didnt want her anymore and she may do it because she was lost . Some people did stupid things while they were depressed. but it also show that they dont deserve you . I was so disapointed when i saw his profile in online dating.But now i realize how shallow he is and how cheap he is. ( i dont say everybody who put ads in online dating is shallow, but in this case.. my bf) Trust me ... To be honest, my suggestion is , think abt your relationship , do you think it will work. It is not abt you love her or u dont love her. Think abt it in the long run. although it hurts , you better quit quickly while you can. No point to hold on. From my exp, if i coul turn back, i wont even want to call him and asked explanation.Dont drag it anymore.. drop it...
cygny Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 nah wouldn't have made a difference. she needs space. this is how she's getting it. it was very good that you didn't contact her by replying. this is entirely predictable and actually a good sign. it means she didn't leave you because she fell for someone else. just relax and be patient. i dated casually on internet for awhile and just couldn't find someone with the right chemistry. if she has the same experience, she may really start missing you and send you another email. that's when you reply. in the meantime, you are doing great by dating others. and, i suggest you put your own ad on the same website she's using as well as others. whether she reads it or not is not even important. but basically, you need to make your online ad sound very very unlike a clingy pining ex b/f and very very like a upbeat, have-moved-on and enjoying-every-minute bachelor. basically needs to have the same approach as the email you were going to write.
Author kjo314 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Are you sure???? I don't want her to think I am an a**h*** for not replying to her e-mail. I don't want to lose her in my life forever. I want her as a friend no matter what. What am I to do here....... What if she doesn't send me another e-mail and what if she does find something similar to me down there... Needless to say for some reason... I find myself nervous and afraid again.... dammit.
Author kjo314 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 This is the letter she sent to me a week ago most of you have read this... > I just emailed you to see how life in the world of Kenny was doing? I > just had my first week of classes and and I am still reeling from it all. > I had my first practicum class, but all they did was go over the kind of > paperwork we need for each client so I didn't get to see anybody. I > thought I might get to teach this semester, but it turned out all the > positions were filled by returning teachers so I will have to wait and > see about next semester. I am still holding out for one more > assistantship opportunity which I hope I get. I would be helping my fave > prof teach a class, so I really hope I get it! I have a really long > weekend this week with not too much homework so I've just sort of been > chillin'. I went out for pizza with my grad school buddies yesterday and > then watched a movie with them later. I am trying to be more sociable, so > I am having a movie night at my place tomorrow and hopefully people will > show up! Speaking of people, I am getting a third roommate unfortunately. > She is moving in on Monday. We were kind of forced into it, but at least > she is nice and not too weird. Even if she is weird, I can deal with > that. We are all a little crazy in the mental health profession. Grits is > good, she starting making these noises around us that doesn't resemble > anything that a dog should be able to do. And I don't know why she does > it, but its hilarious. Other than that, life has been pretty low-key. > I've been trying to adjust to the new semester and helping my friend, > Stephanie, plan her wedding. She is getting married March 4, and needs > ideas. It's fun. We got a new girl, Kate, in our program from New > Orleans. I think I might hang out with her tonight. I might also get a > job where my friend, Sharmeen works at the YMCA. She teaches/watches kids > and they need somebody. I figured since I want to work with little kids > it would be a good thing to do. > How are things with you? How are the kids at Alexander? What's life like > in Athens? What's the latest gossip? Are you graduating soon? How's the > family?? Feel free to call if you want to chat or need anything. This is what I want to send her however people are telling me that it is the wrong thing to do.... I am sorry about getting back to you so late as I wanted to sit down and have time to write you a good reply back. I have been extremely busy the past week and school is kicking my butt this year. I am sorry to hear about your teaching. I know how upsetting something like that can be. I hope your finances and everything are going ok. It is good to see you getting a job with working with kids... I can see you as almost that kindergarten teacher kind of person. You will make a great mother one of these days... I am sure I have told you that before. Hope the roommate is going ok. Well to be quite honest with you I am not doing well at all. I know that you are not with me anymore and I accept that. I still thought that we could work it out by talking about it because now I realize what you need to do to talk and I didn't before. You were everything I always wanted in a woman and I wanted to be with you. You gave me all the time I ever needed I was going through a bad time in my life and because of that I became clingy. The fact that you aren't willing to try "us" again hurt me a lot but I guess it is something I have to live with. I am having a hard time with this because I really truly loved you and still do. I just don't understand why the thought of a relationship makes you "cringe". No matter what I do all I can ever do is think about how happy I was when I could think about you in a happy cheerful way. I will never be able to find someone to replace someone as remarkable as you that is why I fought so, so hard for that relationship. I am not a clingy person... I just loved you... I would have given my life for you. I feel like I have lost not only a good friend...but the person I love in my life and it just isn't the same without you. I am not mad... just upset as you hopefully can understand. I need time still but want to remain in contact. I miss you. Life otherwise is going ok. The kids at Alexander are doing great and Athens is as usual with its temperatures in the 30's in the morning and 80's in the afternoon. For the first time in my life I made the deans list last quarter and I will be graduating with my marketing degree at the end of this quarter, however, after being offered a full ride at Florida A&M and getting into the College of Music at FSU I have decided to stay up here to try to finish my music ed degree. Family is ok. typical as you know. I hope everything is going ok with you. I know life sucks sometimes but we have to live it I guess. Even in the darkest times you can always find happiness....you just need to know how to turn on the light. Give me a buzz sometime. I just hope that I am not ruining the chance of having her in my life at all but I trust this LS board.... you have helped me before and I put trust into cyngy as well!!!
Art_Critic Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 You need to go back and re read your other thread from a week ago. There was a lot of good advice on that thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79010/ Don't send that email.. and you need to try and let her go.
loony Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 How does this: You have read my previous posts about her wanting to be alone and this: Well come to find out she put up a dating ad today on the internet..... add up? You should start to wake up, she is actively pursuing a relationship!
gfto Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Don't send the letter. It's weak. As the last poster said, it's time for you to wake up and have a strong cup of reality. This woman is simply not interested in you at all. And, HER interest level in you is the only thing that matters here; NOT your interest level in her. Look, she told you she "needs space," and she has posted an ad on a dating site. What more does she have to do to show you that she isn't interested in you?! I said in another one of your threads that she sent you that e-mail because she was bored and lonely and needed an ego stroke from someone (you) who she knows is still crazy about her. Communicating with her cannot raise her interest in you again; it can only stroke her ego, and there's no reason to do that.
Author kjo314 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 but will i jepordize a friendship in the future by not talking to her now?
riobikini Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Look, I'm going to be brutally frank with you, -since you are still, obviously, wearing blinders and fiercly hung up on this girl, refusing to face the reality of your position with her, even after being generously given all the excellent experiential advice from other posters. She has MOVED ON. From my own experience with this last relationship, I not only put my profile back up on the dating sight, I added another. I did it as soon as I began to realize the relationship had begun to crumble. I am not a time-waster, and I refuse to continue to involve myself with people who's ideas and goals do not comply with my own. It was a decision that gave me a refreshing sense of truly letting go. It was absolute. The only really ironic thing was, though, he turned up there in both sites and had been actively pursuing connections with other females the entire time we were together. Explains alot as to why he never had time for me, could not talk about deepening the relationship, and ran like a coward from true commitment. He ended up being one of the most shallow, confusing, and hurtful men I've ever met. If your girlfriend is on a dating site, chances are she has let you go. Re-read all the good advice posters have left you and, -take care. -Rio
loony Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 but will i jepordize a friendship in the future by not talking to her now? Did she not slap you hard enough in your face that you are still asking such a question? Were you not the guy who posted the other day about his friend and how to take it further with her? I told you should slow down and take a break first before jumping to any relationships. Right now I see it confirmed that you still haven't processed the breakup yet.
gfto Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 but will i jepordize a friendship in the future by not talking to her now? She doesn't want to be your friend anyway. She's finished with you.
Author kjo314 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 No I wasn't that guy.... Why do things exist in life to cause this much pain?
loony Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 No I wasn't that guy.... Yes, you were: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t79795/ Why do things exist in life to cause this much pain? Maybe so that we can realize what our issues are and work on them? What else would motivate you strongly enough to look at yourself and your flaws.
Author kjo314 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 Oh yea... sorry about that... forgot about that one... I was just putting that question out there...not really falling for anyone in particular at all.... I would realize my issues if they would have come to my attention.. she never told me of my faults until she broke up with me.
CaliGuy Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Never write an email to an ex telling them you are not doing well. Even if you're not, that's information you don't want them to know. Any interaction with an ex where you have some inkling of hope should be positive and happy. If you are sad or hurting this will elicit pity from the Ex. That's a zone you don't want to be in.
cygny Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 kjo your letter to your ex was really beautiful and touched me. it is obvious you are a really great guy. please, don't ruin it. give her some time to miss you. Let her run into a bunch of a**holes on the internet--all the players and cheaters etc-- so she can appreciate what she had. if you send her anything at all, it has to be very very very very light and breezey, almost like you two never had this deep relationship. and it has to be very sexy and somewhat challenging. don't ever apologize to her about this delay. she broke it off and while she was nice about it, she hurt you. don't ever suck up to a woman who broke it off with you without her giving you a chance to try to work it out first unless you truly did something heinous to her. deep down she won't respect you if you do suck up and apologize. reading between the lines i think she pretty much said she wants a guy who's harder, who has a bit more edge. don't worry, you have a long ways to go before you are anywhere near jerkdom. work on being a bit harder, more fun and interesting, don't try to please so hard. i know you are naturally a nice guy and this goes against your grain a bit, but trust me on this. you have to start at square one with her, so you might as well look around and see if she is really all that.
Author kjo314 Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 should I e-mail her or not..... cygny??? What would you do...
cygny Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 well.. i'm not sure YOU'RE ready to email her. you have to be in a more carefree sort of mind. if you were, i'd tell you to write a hot ad on the same dating site, then email her with something very funny, lighthearted and a little smartass designed to get a reaction, even if negative. but you're still hurting and wanting her too bad. you'll come off as clingy. so no, don't email her, and keep working on yourself, and go ahead and put your own ad up. get good at dating first. you need to get to the point where you are in control of the situation.
CaliGuy Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 should I e-mail her or not..... cygny??? What would you do... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!! Especially with what you wrote! Have some respect for yourself. Never let the ex see that they have gotten you down. Let go of her and heal yourself.
Author kjo314 Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 Guys/Gals, I am having a hard time with this no contact thing. I can't help but think that she wants to talk to me but is afraid to call me or talk to me because the last time she sent me an e-mail I sent her one back saying I was going to date others... then she e-mails me again and I don't respond...and then puts up a dating ad. I don't know what to do.. I miss talking to her... I miss her voice... I can hear it every now and then... I don't know what to do. I feel so weak.. Why does this happen to so many people.... I'm just down in the dumps... HELP I NEED ADVICE It feels like I am completely losing her...
LN8840K Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 then she e-mails me again and I don't respond don't ignore her if you want to talk to her ( game backfired point to exgf ) the last time she sent me an e-mail I sent her one back saying I was going to date others ( game backfired point to the exgf ) Quit playing games I don't know what to do.. I miss talking to her... I miss her voice... I can hear it every now and then... I don't know what to do. I feel so weak.. is there a panic button on your computer PUSH IT, now do you feel better ? get control of yourself
symbol Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 kjo314, I do understand that NC is hard. I've been doing it for 3 months! (although I was "lucky" because my ex didn't make any attempts to get in touch with me since we broke up) I suggest that you go back and read No Foolin's Guide to No Contact. It is an excellent post and you should read it whenever you feel like you can't go on with NC. You actually have no other way but to let her go. As long as you push it further, you're going to push her further away. You just have to accept the fact that you cannot change her decision or feelings. Actually, you can only make things worse by sending her emails like that, talking to her about the relationship. You've been given excellent advice on this forum. Please go back and read them again. You have to find some stuff to get your mind away from her. Find a hobby, get engaged in something. Don't just sit there and think about her. This is not going to help you or the relationship. Now is the time to do something good for yourself, that is to move on and let go.
Author kjo314 Posted January 27, 2006 Author Posted January 27, 2006 What do you mean backfired??? She said she wanted to be friends and I don't know if she knows I am doing no contact...She might be pissed thinking I am ignoring her... I don't know what to do....I need some advice... today was jsut a really bad day. Would have been 3 years today...
LN8840K Posted January 27, 2006 Posted January 27, 2006 I sent her one back saying I was going to date others... You said that hoping for a reaction and you got one, she went one step further then she e-mails me again and I don't respond again I'm sure just like everyone else you wanted her to email you more when you don't respond it show's you are hurt, especially after throwing out a threat of dating others. In my view the dating ad thing was a " I'm going to one up you stunt " however you are skating on thin ice and I personally suggest you make a real attempt at moving on, the games will snowball untill you hate one another.
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