grateful Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 Hello all LS posters, I have been lurking for a few months now and have registered in order to write this post of thanks. This truly is a helpful, supportive, and blunt when needed community of people - - I just wanted to let you know that you are helping me get through a time that has been tough for me and hopefully come out the other end with a stronger relationship. My fiance and I have been going through a rough time, and feeling unconnected to him, I kissed someone else. I was about to go down a long, many travelled road of rationalization, moral bargaining, justification, etc with myself so that I could do more with this other man whom I was having regular phone contact with. I spent a lot of time in the "Other Man/Other Woman" forum, the "Infidelity" forum and the "cheating, jealousy, flirting" one. There were a lot of things pulling me toward this other man. One thing that the Love Shack did for me was make me realize that my situation was not unique - no matter how much it felt so to me. Everybody's stories, and reasons, and especially rationalizations (in the OW/OM forum particularly) forced me to be honest with myself. I realized that the little fantasy, storybook romance aspects of the affair were fleeting. I also realized that the pull towards this other man had more to do with me and what was missing in my relationship than any great connection he and I had. I'm now working towards getting what I need in my relationship and getting over the feelings I have towards the other man. I won't lie and say they are gone, I'm just feeling like I am stronger and headed in the right path. I guess I just wanted to say to the people caught in affairs that many of you have helped me quite a bit, if inadvertently. But mostly because for every time I read "I am unique" I couldn't help but notice each story remained the same. And that helped jar me out of the place where I felt like my connection to this other man was something unique and special and therefore beyond my control. I'm afraid this might sound condescending so let me add, that I can understand how you got there. I went there too - I kissed someone outside of my relationship (cheating is cheating) - so there is no judgement coming from me. Thanks again for all your help. I can't talk to my friends about this because we are all in the same circle. You really can't know how much support you've given me, even before my first post. It feels as if I've been talked off of a ledge. And with more visits here I think I will be able to keep my head on straight and not be caught up in my selfish little whirlwind of temptation.
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 That's good for you! I'm sure it wasn't easy to go through, but it's made you stronger. I guess reading here has helped you see things differently, open your eyes and look at the full situation without blinders on. Also, the way you thought was positive, like you didn't slip into the frame of mind that this guy was your whole life and you're nothing without him. Good for you!! Sometimes it is easier to gain perspective through other experiences and ofcourse get advice here rather than friends. Friends are too close and chances are some may have judged you or not been much support. Enjoy your freedom and don't ever give into that temptation. You've read firsthand the threads about pain and suffering from OW. Good luck!
My_Other_I Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 It's good to see that someone learns from someone elses' experiences and mistakes, and not thinking that his/her situation will be different. You go girl! *hugs* MOI
jmargel Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 A fool learns from their own mistakes, a wise-man learns from other's mistakes. Glad to hear you've learned and really took in what this board has to offer. Your next step is to learn how to communicate better with your SO, which will naturally bring you two closer together. Both of you should work on this. When you don't feel loved the way you think you should be by your SO, it's easy to feel rejected. When that rejection is met by someone else's compassion and warmth you can easily fall for that other person. However you must distinguish whether you are admiring this other person because of what you are lacking in your current relationship (that can be fixed) or by the other person's personality in general. 1
Author grateful Posted January 26, 2006 Author Posted January 26, 2006 thank you for your words of encouragement. this board has helped me immensely. i feel grounded, rather than swept away. and i keep coming back to refill that feeling, keep my feet solidly planted. yes, the next step is to communicate with my SO. this board has also helped me realize that when dealing with someone you love, you just have to come out and say what you are feeling and not worry about hurting their feelings. protecting them from something means you are just putting them in a position to be bit on the butt by it later on. thanks again!
Author grateful Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Don't mind me. I just thought I would use this post as a journal. Feel free to read if you like. I'm freaking out today - having some obsessive thoughts about OM. I should confess too that the title of this thread was wishful thinking. I was hoping if I wrote about it as over, I could come back to my thread whenever I was feeling weak and then through that process it would really be over. I'm just trying to get my heart (or my dopamine I should say) to catch up to my head. I know the affair is horrible and not good for me, as well as a horrible thing to do to my partner. I know that the OM is bad for me, both in the here and now as well as in a "what if we were together" fantasy situation. So if I KNOW I want him to have no part of my future, why I am thinking about him? I'm posting because I've become weak enough that one of my mechanisms (rereading my thread) to prevent my desire for contact has ceased to work. Now I will post to keep myself from thinking obsessively about him. He really is a jerk. Said some mean things about my relationship in an effort to undermine it. So, I know my relationship isn't perfect or I wouldn't have strayed, but he wasn't saying these things to be helpful but to be hurtful enough so that I would turn to him. I mean, we are talking blatant manipulation. I'm not an idiot I knew what he was doing and found it reprehensible. And still I'm sitting here thinking about him, so I must be an idiot. I know this behavior is self-destructive. I just have to figure out some way to make it stop, for real.
Outcast Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 You were quite right to invoke dopamine in your earlier post. What people need to do is recognize that the 'feelings' they are so hooked on and positive are real are all faked by biochemistry. Once you really absorb that fact, you learn to distrust the 'feelings' and listen to your brain (the one that's telling you he's mean, etc.). Maybe he's got one heckuva set of pheromones that really intoxicated you and got you hoppin'. Maybe it's the flush of crush syndrome. But do NOT allow yourself to focus on the heady feelings because that way lies disaster. Know that the part of you that seems 'addicted' to him actually is suffering the symptoms of addiction and, as with any other addiction, refuse to give in to the cravings. Again, as with any other addiction, once you've gone cold turkey for a month or two, the cravings fade away. But you MUST be strong and avoid him to let the addiction fade away.
Author grateful Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Know that the part of you that seems 'addicted' to him actually is suffering the symptoms of addiction and, as with any other addiction, refuse to give in to the cravings. Again, as with any other addiction, once you've gone cold turkey for a month or two, the cravings fade away. But you MUST be strong and avoid him to let the addiction fade away. Outcast, you are absolutely right that this is an addiction. The funny thing for me is that I've never had an addiction before. I've tried a lot of different drugs but concluded I didn't have an addictive personality because none them made me want to keep doing them. So I've thought of myself as a strong person. Now I feel like I have to admit I'm weak in order to get strong. I'm going to keep in mind what you said about the 'feelings' being faked by biochemistry. I may be weak now, but at some point I can be stronger than dopamine. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'll keep working on this. I will not contact OM. I can do this.
jmargel Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 When in times like this continue to think what all this has done to you. Also to your SO. Perhaps it's time you tell your SO. If he continues to stay with you he would be the person to help you through this. All this OM wants is p***y, and I would imagine he's probably getting it from other women as well. You are not special to him but you are to your SO. Tonight do something special with your SO if you really want to be with him.
Author grateful Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 When in times like this continue to think what all this has done to you. Also to your SO. Perhaps it's time you tell your SO. If he continues to stay with you he would be the person to help you through this. All this OM wants is p***y, and I would imagine he's probably getting it from other women as well. You are not special to him but you are to your SO. Tonight do something special with your SO if you really want to be with him. jmargel - I've read enough of your posts to know that you are straight forward and to the point. Sometimes when I read your advice to other posters that could be applied to my situation, I am actually intimidated by you. You are usually right on, but it is information I'm not ready to hear. Your post above is information that I definitely needed to hear. I am in complete agreement about what OM is after. And the way you phrased it is incredibly helpful (a little dagger to the dopamine). Thank you.
Rosalind Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Affairs ....YUCK! Of course the other posters said it sooooo much more eloquently
silktricks Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 When you don't feel loved the way you think you should be by your SO, it's easy to feel rejected. When that rejection is met by someone else's compassion and warmth you can easily fall for that other person. However you must distinguish whether you are admiring this other person because of what you are lacking in your current relationship (that can be fixed) or by the other person's personality in general. What very wise words these are.
Author grateful Posted February 19, 2006 Author Posted February 19, 2006 I'm feeling much stronger today. I've been able to think about the OM as he is, a predator, and have had less thoughts creep into my head wondering what he is thinking (what does it matter what a predator thinks?) [Warning... to any readers - the next part is a bit of journalling, that you are more than welcome to read, but may be a bit convoluted... read at your own risk:bunny: ] I've been thinking more about me and what a relationship means. I guess I was feeling a big caged by being engaged. I read the Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russel quote in another thread about how not being married is like a bird in a cage with the door open but not wanting to fly out. Marriage is just a piece of paper. I know that others feel very strongly about the institution of marriage but for me it is a formality. I already have what matters more to me - a committment to a wonderful partner I love. And the marriage won't mess that up, as I fear, but just be a another phase in this wild, wonderful ride we've got going. I know this sounds weird but my anti-committment sentiments make me feel faithfulness in my heart. Life is wild, and crazy, and untameable - something you can't control or name or identify or put in a box. In that wild wonderful craziness I am so lucky to have a partner who loves me. And the way to really celebrate with him that life is for the living, to just enjoy and experience, and honor.... the way to do that is to honor him completely. I know that the whole "life can't be contained" thing sounds a bit like a reason to cheat. But honestly, in my heart it is the opposite. The mess we as a society have made of the institution of marriage is deplorable. That institution is not enough to keep people from cheating anymore so I guess I'm a bit afraid of it. But I've realized I can participate in it, and still make my own commitment of my spirit - - one that I will honor and won't break again.
Poconobob Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 True, every word of your post I wish I could have placed before my now X wife and saved mine. I'm proud of you, not that you know me but coming from a person who let the insides burn like a mine fire, I have plenty of experience. ) bob
Author grateful Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Thanks bob. I am proud of me too. Journalling here has kept me from thinking obsessively/romantically about OM. Mostly when I think of him, I think that he is a jerk and a manipulator. I am getting stronger. Sorry to hear a similar situation got between you and your exW. I do know how lucky I am to be working on the problem now rather than when it is too late.
Poconobob Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 It can be said there RARELY is a new relationship where you don't encounter the same problems and for that matter, often you wish the former could come back that "it wasn't so bad after all''.... I can't remember which book I read that in but it stands to reason you'd bring your habits to the new relationship after the newness wares off. This above I don't believe is the same in changing partners when you are a casual girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship, I'm referring to co-habitation, devout one to one long term. just thought I'd preface myself... Mine, it sucked... just check mine out if you have an evening to read a novel mine is titled "believe it or not... I'm just suspicious" or something like that. The title should change to My road to disaster without the storm being named.. bob
Author grateful Posted February 25, 2006 Author Posted February 25, 2006 Hey Bob, I've started reading your thread (whew! it's a novel!). I've read the first few pages and the last few pages. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. Continue to take care of yourself because you have a strong spirit that comes through in your posts. I'm keeping at the forefront of my mind all the wonderful things my SO has done for me, how he has been there for me, how he looks at me with love in his eyes. It makes long term love such a big thing in my heart, that the newness becomes a fad, a novelty, that I understand wears off and then what?
Poconobob Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 IMO, after the newness wears off, LOTS find their love was superficial, while other couples deepen to a different level of love. The words that come to mind are "soul and mate" or s+m for short......HA HA HA kidding... It comes even later on when the 7 year itch comes along that we faulter again... bob
Author grateful Posted March 6, 2006 Author Posted March 6, 2006 Thought I'd just post a note to say I'm doing much, much better. No more obsessive thoughts. All accomplished through No Contact. No Contact instigated by OM; after I'd said no a bunch of times he stopped pursuing me, stopped calling me all together. And the thing is at first I was kind of mad even though I knew I should have been relieved- wounded pride is a weird, strong, pissed off animal. But then my heart caught up with my head and I realized that this NC was the nicest thing OM ever did for me, kind of like an honorable gesture he didn't really intend. Whew, it cleared out the cobwebs and I've really realized what I have done. The side effect to this is the immense guilt I've been feeling. But I just keep trying to focus on loving my SO and making it up to him (without him knowing; I know, I know.... LS is about full disclosure, but it was a kiss not sex so I think in this scenario it is better left unsaid). I shiver when I think about what I might have given up if I let it go further. And I am happy to report that this hasn't diminished my love for my SO. I was secretly afraid that the infatuation with OM would have taken something away from my feelings for SO, that somehow it would have broken my feelings for SO just a little bit, let some doubt in or something, and I wouldn't have ever felt my "strongest" love for SO again. I was very wrong, thank goodness. I might actually feel my love a little deeper, because I was reminded of what I sometimes take for granted (not that I recommend this way to anyone). Thanks again for all your support. I believe this will be the last time I write that I am "grateful to LS for encouraging me to end an affair."
Poconobob Posted March 9, 2006 Posted March 9, 2006 I felt you'd come to this point and feel this way and we all are backing ya... Remember you can't go back to yesterday and today you can help build your future for tomorrow. bob
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